~The Complaint #2
. Instead of an immediate result as in the first complaint scam,this method will take more time, but has the added benefit of having a potentiallyreusable payout. Dig through the trashcans and/or dumpster around the pizza placeto find some old (though not too old, preferably under a few days) receipts,obviously selecting either the largest/most expensive orders, or selecting the onesthat you’d enjoy eating the most. Next, write a formal letter addressed either to yourlocal pizza branch or to its headquarters if there is one, pontificating at length(though keep the letter to about a page or less) about how you have been a longtime royal customer, and have recently purchased
xxx
(whatever’s on the receipt),only to have your whole family come down with diarrhea/vomiting/nausea/etc.
Donot, however, say that you went to the doctor.
If you do, the pizza place will wantto see medical records to cover their own asses, and you’ll be shit out of luck. Makethe complaint significant, but keep it mild enough so that you didn’t seek anymedical attention (this means saying something along the lines of ‘I found a piece of glass that split my tongue in two’ is out, as they’d expect that to be something thatyou’d go to the hospital for…). Polish off the letter by stating that you are seriouslydisillusioned/disappointed/devastated with the quality of
xxx
brand’s diningestablishments. Though, once again, don’t overdo this by saying that you’ll never gothere again; instead, let that be an implied threat that hangs in the air, hauntinglyunstated. Finally, though it’s not absolutely necessary, you can explicitly state thatyou would like compensation for your most unfortunate dining experience. Includethe receipt that you found along with the letter, and mail it off. Within a few weeksyou should receive a soggy apology letter, along with either coupons for free pizza,or a check for the amount spent. In this case, a coupon would actually be better, asyou could then proceed to make numerous copies of it to use over and over (forsome more info on couponing see:http://www.rorta.net/index.php?page=couponing_v2,andhttp://www.rorta.net/index.php?page=complaintletterscamfor other potentialities of the complaint letters cam).
~The Table Scrapper
. Walk around through the pizza place looking for anyunattended tables that have left some discarded remains. Gluttonous consumersoften leave their food unfinished, and it’s going to get trashed anyway, so you mightas well pick some up.
~The Snatcher
. If you don’t like table scraps, and the pizza place is the kind wheredine-in orders are picked up by the diners themselves at the front counter, simplyswoop in and pick up an order standing on the counter before the real customers do.Leave a random receipt or a stray electronic buzzer on the counter as a credibilityprop, and then get the fuck out of there.
~The Late Order
. Place an order for a
pick-up
about twenty or thirty minutesbefore the pizza place closes. Show up about five minutes before closing time andgo in to pick up your pizza. Reach your hand casually into your pocket so as to pullout your wallet, only to act befuddled and begin feeling around for your wallet.Frown and apologetically begin to explain that you must’ve left your wallet at
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Wither dignity?