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 1
Of Novel Novels
 
 
"Of course all human life is a process of breaking down, but the blows that do the dramatic side of the work- the big sudden blows that come or seem to come from the outside- the ones you remember and in moments of weakness, tell your friends about, don't show their effect all at once. There is another sort of blow that comes from within - that you don't feel until you realise with a finality that in some regard that you will never be as good a man again." 
F. Scott Fitzgerald.
The Crack Up.
 
 
 3
Prologue
Present DayI have kept a diary since I was nineteen. In hard times in my life I linger on the past by re-reading the pages. Day by day I look to it as if it is a text book I can learn from.I dwell on the past.I also read his books. I read them and look for signs, I wait for him to mention things we didtogether, people we met, girls we chased...I am Paul, this is my story.I have spent intervening years, it is over ten years now, with memories bouncing around in myhead.Crack, crack, side of skull, side of skull.I remember it all in high detail. I can smell the smoke, taste the booze and remember thefeelings like events are still happening in front of me.I used to enjoy the late nights and unhealthy atmospheres. Now I can’t get them out of my head.I want to write it all down and clear my mind. I wish to free myself from the cage of a goodmemory.Then I remember that’s what he would do, write it all down, make it clever and witty andinteresting. Turn his life into a novel and turn me into a minor, fringe character.Gerald Ives, the famous writer took my story.I hate him for that. Hate is a strong word but after these years that is what it has turned into. Ithas created envy in me I cannot escape.
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