wow. i had bad years in a place called auckland and almost commited suicide. i found god soon after. i realised in time that the suffering i had endured would just be pushed to my family, asking themselves where i went wrong. thankl you, this reminded me well.

Below is my reply to a question someone raised. I post it here in case it is helpful to anyone: Over the years I have been a pretty laid-back character. I was also a realist and unafraid to look at life openly. Consequently, I had looked at suicide - not as a personal option but as one open to anyone - and concluded that it was not something I should ever do because of the effect it would have on those close to me and particularly my mother, some forty years older than me. However, as it turned out, in 1985/86 I was financially bankrupt, emotionally bankrupt, had been without a job for long periods (too old at 45 - 50!!); so much so over the previous 6 years that I came to the end of my tether: I think the final straw was the imminent breakup of a lovely relationship. In this emotional state the sound conclusions I had arrived at throughout my life about suicide just did not come to the surface, could not come to the surface is, perhaps, more correct!

It would seem that the "voice" can be heard where the barrier the moul [mind/soul] creates is not thick enough to block it. The "voice" is variously called, the conscience, the higher self, Spirit Self etc.

Wow. I've never had such an experience but it's so heart-wrenching to realise that lots of people go through the same thing yet don't have that little voice inside of them to show the way...

From Ian Gardner, on 2008-11-22: Dear Caroline, I was about to write you something about you, your brother and life itself when it dawned on me that a mouthful of food does not really help a hungry person but that a continuous food supply does. Hence, I am suggesting to you that you read (my book) "The Milk Is White" and then "The 'Quo Vadis?' File" and feel free to ask any questions of me if any arise. This way you will pick up what you need and not what I think you need! I hope your feelings toward your brother are positive and understanding. Much love, Ian.

I'm glad you had this experience. My brother took his life a year ago this week. He was alcoholic and totally spent and isolated. It was just revealed to me that he never asked for help. I would have flown 3,000 miles to be there for him. He couldn't carry on in the condition he was in. He was out of money and health both physically, mentally and spiritually. He never became willing, as I see it that is the first step. I miss my brother Gregory, rest in peace my dear friend.

A poem for you my freind. IDIOT Some say I am an idiot, Some say I am a total nut, Some say I am lazy, Some say I am crazy. I care and I really don’t care what they say, Patiently I have to accept what comes my way. I know I am going to die soon, That will be my biggest boon. My life like a candle has been lit, Suicide sadly is forbidden to commit. Fool make money some people shout, Poetry you will die broke without a doubt. I must write I keep telling them, I have been given the signs to use the pen.

At various times prior to this time I had 'thought' of suicide, with no thought of needing to commit it, in the context of life in general and concluded that one of the reasons I could never resort to it was the effect it would have on my mother and other members of my immediate family. I have always contemplated life and this subject was but one of a great many. It is very interesting that, in the instance under reference my state of mind was such that NO OTHER considerations could penetrate it was as if I was encased in a totally isolating bubble. I only very recently realised this fact!!