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The American Robin: Hatched from Evil
Everyone loves robins. They symbolize the first sign of Spring. People delightover their teal colored eggs. And there is always excitement when their youngstart peeping in the nest.Not me. I loathe them. Even the scientific name for the American Robin isheinous: Turdus migratorius. Let me translate that for you – it means they crapeverywhere.And everywhere is the key. In 1996 I traveled all the way to Alaska tophotograph Grizzly Bears and Orcas (killer whales). After two long days on thewater, I docked at the port of Valdez without seeing an Orca. The disappointmentwas staggering. When I arrived at the bed and breakfast, there was a large birdto the left of the driveway. It was too far away for me to ascertain its species. Myheart jumped with the great anticipation of identifying my first sub-arctic land bird.I whipped out my 300 mm lens and clicked off four photos. As I did not want tofrighten away this mystery bird, I crept in a couple of feet and shot some more. Afew more steps, a few more frames, and before you know it I had rifled off nearlyan entire roll of film. Finally, I was close enough to get a good look at this bird: itwas a @#^&* robin! I had traveled all the way to the other end of the UnitedStates of America to see a robin? After wasting a roll of film on this common bird,I was steamed. And no, I never saw a Grizzly, either.Five years later, on another photographic expedition in the mountains of BritishColumbia, they struck again. Robins…so profuse they seemed like a noxiousweed. The theme to the Sopranos by Alabama 3 came on. I changed the wordsto “Woke up this morning, got myself a gun; shot up some robins, every singleone…”I have noticed since then that they are everywhere. No matter how remote thelocation, you will find a robin there. A logical explanation had to exist for thisinfestation of the turd bird. I was determined to find it.Sure enough, after years of research through cobweb-laden archives of secretknowledge, I discovered the little-known origin of the robin. Way back inmedieval times, robins hailed from a small country in Slavic Europe calledRobinnia, quietly nestled between Transylvania and Viagravia. Obviously, theformer lent its evil from Vlad the Impaler, and the latter provided the foundationfor the robin’s ability to breed incessantly. After years of overcrowding in their homeland, the robins decided to branch out and infiltrate every nation on theplanet. They traveled on ships, trains, cattle barges and any other method theycould hijack to assist them in their endeavor to eventually be absolutelyeverywhere. Give them time and they will be on the International SpaceStation…if they’re not already.
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