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My Anxiety & Me(a personal IM chat session about my recent anxiety attack and the current issues I amfacing.)Tee: himark_: hiTee: i need u tonight.mark_: ok Tee: ok mark_: tell me what goin on?Tee: I realized that I have never been loved because I don't allow it.mark_: ok mark_: and you feel what?Tee: If any man shows me love I am too busy trying to tell him why he shouldnt love methan just allowing the love.Tee: I have been having extreme anxiety the past few nightsmark_: oooh becaus of this?Tee: its like that FEAR feeling you fell when ure scared for REAL!mark_: i know the feeling yesTee: i have that feeling but im not afraid of anythingTee: its justa physical feelingmark_: ahTee: i dont imagine bad things happening to me...mark_: thats anxietyTee: i see only good.Tee: i know..mark_: ok mark_: maybe you should start with the physical firstmark_: because anxiety can make you tremendously irrationalmark_: so I would say physically move, exercise, even try to meditatemark_: if you havent meditated then you should startmark_: meditation is just a simple practice of focusing on one thing. but that is just to bring you into the here and nowTee: i have studied and do it, with guided meditationmark_: dont let forboding or worry enter your mindmark_: oh ok Tee: but i never think to do it when im feeling this wayTee: i just melt into the feeling...mark_: ok well its a good remedyTee: i had my friend tell me to never contact him againTee: im so mean mark Tee: i push men away so fast and it hurts them I know it!mark_: ok is this from a recent experience?
 
Tee: yes, recently i met a wonderful man on the net, have no idea his age, race or maritalstatus but we both were into ALL the same things!mark_: k Tee: he HAS my degree in MFT and is going for his PhdTee: i wa sso excited to talk to him!Tee: before we could though...my anxiety told me to tell him I couldnt talk to himanymore.Tee: SO I did what it said.mark_: ahTee: ANd i told him I wouldnt contact him ever again.mark_: and what told you to tell him this?Tee: and the same with my friend Jason, we had just started to tal again...and the anxietysaid, "Don't put up with him! He's not your friend!" SO I cursed him out and he told menot to contact him again.Tee: He says he is tired of the instability.Tee: I feel so bad...Tee: I am too much for most people to handle..mark_: i understand that u feel bad but what is telling you to tell them these things?Tee: i am now realizing..its myself.Tee: im telling me to do these things...Tee: and i dont know how to stop it.mark_: but interestingly enough u said it was your anxciety?Tee: yes, I am trying to take the problem OUTSIDE of me..Tee: even though I know its ME who is talking to myself..in my mind...I still want toseperate from it...in my conscious mind.mark_: but what are u feeling that motivated you to say these things?Tee: fear mark_: ok and this fear creates a sense of anxiety?Tee: hmm..i guess. the fear is the anxiety. Its not a rational fear ..I'm not afraid of anything bad happening...It's like my subconscious is and I'm not but I listen to it when itwarns me but when I see people, even men, I tend to see love but then I get a reminder from deep within...to stay away.Tee: and i listen to it.mark_: ok. so let me clarify and correct me if Im worng....mark_: you 'have male friends and some are fairly new possible romantic interests.....Tee: i HAD male friends..i pushed them all away. They want nothing to do with me...mark_: ok hold upmark_: lets talk about the new one firstTee: there IS no new one..we dont talk anymore.mark_: ok but there was a new one someone you met recentlyTee: yes...all of them recentlyTee: but i drive EVERY ONE of them away!mark_: ok and you two hit if off well?Tee: yes at the beginning..but I DRIVE THEM AWAY!mark_: ok hold on dont analyze yourself so quicklymark_: you met a person
 
mark_: he seemed coolmark_: you liked him?mark_: interesting conversations?Tee: yes!mark_: same interests?mark_: how long ago was this?Tee: yes ALL OF THEM!Tee: 2 days ago!mark_: oh ok mark_: so he seemed like a good potential romantic interest then....mark_: is that what you thoughtz?Tee: not really, but an intellectually intimate interest...I was more interested in his mind. Idont even know what he looked like. I wanted to seduce his mind.Tee: But I FUCKED IT UP!Tee: mad emyself seem crazy..too quickly! LOLmark_: hold on hold on....dont judge yetmark_: lets just look at this and put all the cards on the table....no emotionalsubjectiveness just yetTee: i have no idea where u are going with this? Im crazy..i want to change. end of story.mark_: so far...good guy smart...have same interests ...then what?Tee: then anxiety tells me that he wont like me, hurry up and delete him before he hurtsme, rejects me.Tee: So I do the rejecting first.mark_: ok mark_: what did u say to him?Tee: WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME TO RELIVE THIS?mark_: because it is important information...Tee: u already know the outcome...Tee: WHY is this important?mark_: i just want to know what started the onset of anxietyTee: i feel so STUPID just thinking about it...and u want me to say all the details...mark_: hold on you can feel badly in a minute Im just asking you to with hold all that justfor a minuteTee: o..i feel it NOW!mark_: so you were talking with himand all of a sudden....whatTee: and the more i tell it, the more I think about it, the worse I feel.mark_: yes I understandTee: ok. I'll play.mark_: thank youTee: nicre chat..i had to leave. to go hang with friends.mark_: is that what u said?Tee: before I did, we were trying to figure out how we were gnna chat.Tee: cuz we were chatting on twitter which is 140 characters..not enoughmark_: ahTee: turns out he doesnt have yahoo..and I dont have aimmark_: ok 
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