When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayer: Insights to Keep You Praying with Greater Faith and Deeper Hope

PRAISE FOR THE FIRST EDITION

When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer is simple, deep, and unflinchingly honest. Jerry brings to the task all his strengths as scholar, pastor, and theologian, but bears it to us as poet, pilgrim, storyteller, and especially, man of prayer. Best of all, because he is a man of sorrows himself, Jerry avoids at every turn clichés, smug sanctities, and cheap slogans. For those who have ever asked for a meditation on prayer that refuses to woo falsely or promise glibly, but instead deals face-to-face with prayer’s earthy messy reality, take heart — your prayer has been answered.

Mark Buchanan, author of Your God Is Too Safe:

Rediscovering the Wonder of a God You Can’t Control

Jerry Sittser courageously raises questions most writers conveniently ignore. I can’t count the number of books I’ve read on prayer, yet Jerry reveals a side of God and perspectives on prayer that were new to me. Far from mere theory, this book is painfully personal and honest, and it led me to my knees in a new and fresh way. When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer should become standard reading for anyone who seriously desires to explore the problem, and glory, of prayer.

Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage and Authentic Faith

The lessons that Jerry Sittser shares here are ones that he has learned in the deep places, in times of profound spiritual despair. This is a book for everyone who has ever wanted to argue with God about unanswered prayer. I know of no better guide to honest praying.

Richard J. Mouw, president, Fuller Theological Seminary

Jerry Sittser dares to ask the tough question of our age — then dares to deliver the even tougher answers.

Patricia Raybon, author of My First White Friend

When I first began reading When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer, I was certain it would become one of my top ten lifetime favorites; upon finishing it, I had trouble remembering the other nine! It is a Christian masterpiece of the highest order, and I can think of no higher recommendation than to share my favorite quote: The greatest answer to prayer is not what God does for us, but in us. Nearly every page brims with the same hard-won wisdom.

John Lawrence Gillis, Washington, D.C.

I found When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer a refreshing aha along the up-and-down journey of waiting on God to answer my prayers. Waiting for over twenty-five years for God to provide a mate can feel like an eternity! As I finished the last page of this book, I had encouragement to keep on persisting in prayer with a tenacity that will not give up. In addition, I was reminded that God will continue to use every day of my waiting to transform me as I live in a spirit of surrender.

Nancy Barton, Wheaton, Illinois

Jerry Sittser has the courage to tackle the profound questions with which we all struggle in our everyday lives. I continue to be impressed with its clear and understandable language about God’s sovereignty. I have been struggling with a difficult decision and my prayers often feel as if they stop at the ceiling. After reading this book, I once again sense God’s mystery and love. I also realize that God does not have to answer my prayer in order to be present and alive.

Jan Mahumed, Burke, Virginia

When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer is the most honest book on prayer I have read. Jerry handles a subject that all of us have struggled with very well, offering meaningful answers without glossing over the pain involved in unanswered prayers. I thought the illustrations were outstanding — from history, literature, real people, and the author’s own experience. This book has helped me in a way that few books on prayer have.

James E. Murphy, Loveland, Colorado

For nearly two years I waited on God to do mission work in a Third World nation with a nonexistent government. When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer taught me that God closes doors in season and then uses that time for our growth. He has indeed heard my prayer. This book brought me through that time of spiritual stretching, until I entered God’s calling on my life.

Charlotte Schmitt, LPN, missionary to Haiti

I was frustrated about my work situation, and when I thought finally my prayer would be answered, it wasn’t, which made me incredibly disappointed and sad. From the first page of this book, I knew I had found someone who understood what I was going through. And by the end of the book, my attitude about prayer changed. It made me realize that God is good no matter what, even when we are disappointed by the outcome. God doesn’t owe us positive results!

Margaret Larkin, Chicago

Jerry Sittser has a way of bringing to the surface our little religious games. Too often we don’t dare mention our doubts, so we tiptoe around the subject of unanswered prayer. The book is powerful because it tells the truth about prayer in a way your doubts never will.

Jan and Seth Ellis (mother and son)

While our son was sick and after he died, we received so much advice on God’s will and why this happened to our beloved son. This book helped to clarify so many of the hurtful misconceptions that surround tragedy and the struggles in our life. It helped to remind me that God is good, and while the prayers for healing were not answered, so many other prayers were.

Jana Tetrault, New Manchester, West Virginia

Jerry Sittser’s book A Grace Disguised was my guide book as I struggled to navigate a devastating tragedy ten years ago. In its pages, I found a kindred spirit who understood what my world felt like and made me believe there was relief beyond the pain. In When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer, Sittser delves deeper into his meditation on how adversity and disappointment can be the source of deep spiritual insight and profound peace. With wisdom, humor, and humanity, Sittser shows how the lessons learned in suffering can continue to enrich our lives long after the pain is gone.

David Hoffman, Alaska

WHEN GOD DOESN’T

ANSWER YOUR PRAYER

Also by Jerry Sittser

A Grace Disguised

The Will of God as a Way of Life

ZONDERVAN

WHEN GOD DOESN’T ANSWER YOUR PRAYER

Copyright © 2003, 2007 by Gerald L. Sittser

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan.

ePub Edition August 2009 ISBN: 978-0-310-86706-7

Requests for information should be addressed to:

Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Sittser, Gerald Lawson, 1950–

When God doesn’t answer your prayer : insights to keep you praying with greater faith and deeper hope / Jerry Sittser. — 2nd ed.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN-13: 978-0-310-27268-7

1. Prayer — Christian ity. I. Title.

BV220.S67 2007

248.3'2 — dc22

2006025085

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: Today’s New International Version™. TNIV®. Copyright © 2001, 2005 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other — except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Published in association with the literary agency of Ann Spangler and Company, 1420 Pontiac Road S.E., Grand Rapids, MI 49506.

06 07 08 09 10 11 12 • 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

In memory of Diana Jane Sittser,

who taught me so much about prayer,

through her life and through her death.

CONTENTS

Cover Page

Title Page

Copyright Page

Acknowledgments

Preface

Prologue

1. Are You Listening, God?

2. The True Heart of Prayer

3. Can God Take Our Complaints?

4. The Courage to Keep Asking

5. Praying according to God’s Will

6. Prayer Is Not about Us!

7. Prayer Changes Us

8. The Epic Story

Epilogue

Readers’ Group Guide

Notes

About the Publisher

Share Your Thoughts

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

It didn’t occur to me until I was almost finished writing this book that my struggle with prayer, my understanding of prayer, and my deep commitment to prayer all came from the same source — my experience as a single father, a role thrust upon me suddenly in 1991.

I began to think about unanswered prayer after I lost a daughter, Diana Jane; and I committed myself to persist in prayer, in spite of my doubts and confusion, because I had three children left to rear. I wrestled with God, argued with God, pleaded with God, waited upon God, put my requests before God — prayed, in other words — because I had lost one child and wanted the best for the other three. Fatherhood has taught me more about prayer than anything else.

Friends, colleagues, and editors have helped to make this book better than it otherwise would have been. Members of the Theology department at Whitworth College — Jim Edwards, Terry McGonigal, Roger Mohrlang, and Keith Beebe — read an early draft and met with me for an evening to discuss its strengths and weaknesses. They share my relief that the final draft is much better than the first. Terry McGo-nigal, the dean of the chapel at Whitworth, also enlisted a dozen students to read an early draft and then a revised draft. Their comments were helpful, too.

Terry Mitchell, Julie Pyle, Ted Ketchum, Kari Neff, Judy Lang, and Greg Orwig read the manuscript and spent an evening at my home discussing it in depth. That evening with them reminded me of the richness of my community in Spokane. Andrea Palpant, former nanny to my children, challenged me to probe the mystery of prayer after she read a draft. Fellow scholars Pam Corpron Parker, Marcia Everett, and Bill Mounce also read a draft and wrote thorough critiques. These friends challenged me to make my prose simpler and my ideas clearer. Donna VanderGriend encouraged me to press on and reminded me that I was capable of writing something worth reading. My sister and brother-in-law, Diane and Jack Veltkamp, raised good questions about the manuscript along the way, too.

Three students, David Webster, Gabe Schmidt, and Adam Cleaveland, provided valuable assistance. David spent many hours helping with the research, Gabe typed footnotes, and Adam found some excellent quotes that appear at the beginning of several chapters.

The people whose stories appear in the book were kind enough to give me permission to tell their stories to the larger public. I appreciate their willingness to let me write about their experiences and to let others learn from their suffering. We are richer and wiser because of their generosity.

My agent, Ann Spangler, who has become a dear friend over the years, landed the contract with Zondervan and served as a creative consultant, critic, and sounding board. My editor, Sandra VanderZicht, encouraged me from start to finish, communicated grace to me when I most needed it, and expected the best from me. Her instincts for good writing never cease to amaze me. I only wish I could rise to her level of expertise. Verlyn Verbrugge, another editor at Zondervan, touched up the manuscript and made several helpful suggestions. John Topliff and the marketing team at Zondervan have invested in my success as a writer over the past few years, too. This book is the third that I have published with Zondervan. I am grateful for the investment they have made in me.

I carry Diana Jane in my heart. She is at the heart of this book and never far from my mind. I dedicate it to her memory.

PREFACE

When my editor, Sandra Vander Zicht, informed me that Zondervan was planning to reissue When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer in softcover, she asked if I would be interested in revising any of the material. At first I hesitated, aware of other pressing deadlines, but I agreed to consider her idea.

A few months later, I found myself unable to sleep one night, restless with an uneasy feeling about the book. It suddenly occurred to me that I really did want to revise the book — even more substantially than I had previously realized. So I set to work on it with renewed energy. The book you hold in your hands is the product of that revision.

Although unanswered prayer is indeed a theme of the book, it is not the heart of the book, for unanswered prayer describes a problem but offers no solutions. The central theme of the book is that prayer is best understood as a long, sometimes perilous, epic journey that eventually leads to triumph. Such a vision of prayer is true to the biblical story and to my experience. If anything, I find myself in the middle of my own epic journey of prayer even as I write these words.

My prayer as you read this book is that you will find comfort for the disappointment of unanswered prayer, but also courage to continue on the epic journey that prayer is.

PROLOGUE

The greatest tragedy of life is not unanswered prayer, but unoffered prayer.

F. B. Meyer

I have always been drawn to the difficult questions of the Christian faith — for example, Why do we suffer? and How can we discover the will of God when the future seems so unclear? But for me perhaps the most troubling question of all is, Why doesn’t God answer our prayers? The question is a vexation to me because prayer is the one discipline in the Christian faith that makes us feel entirely dependent on God and thus sets us up for profound disappointment when God doesn’t respond to our needs and requests.

I have pondered this question deeply and for a long time, but never more so than after our family suffered a terrible tragedy in 1991. The question of unanswered prayer suddenly became a life-and-death matter to me. I realized then that how I answered this question would set the course of my spiritual journey for years to come.

The question of unanswered prayer is on the minds of most praying people, though they rarely admit it because it seems so irreverent, like cursing during Holy Communion. Still, it’s an important question. In one sense, it’s the question. We often turn to God at our most vulnerable moments, when all seems lost unless God steps in. Why does God remain distant, silent, and hard when we call on him? If God doesn’t respond when we need him most, then why pray at all?

I am not talking about silly and superficial prayers that go unanswered, prayers that we would probably not dare to say if we thought twice about it. I have uttered many of those prayers over the years. I have sat in the bleachers and prayed for victory when the game seemed lost; I have asked that traffic lights turn green when I was in a hurry; I have pleaded that a stomachache pass after I gorged myself on too much food. It is silly to complain when God doesn’t answer these trivial prayers.

But sometimes we pray for something that really counts, to us and presumably to God — the conversion of a neighbor, deliverance from alcoholism, guidance for the future, the healing of a sick child, food for a starving people. We pray with sincerity, faith, and conviction, as if our life depended on it — which, of course, it probably does. We ask God for something that seems so right and true. What should we do if God doesn’t come through in circumstances that make us desperate for his intervention? It is hard to accept when God seems to ignore our best prayers, and harder still to keep praying.

I am writing this book for people who, like myself, have wondered why God doesn’t answer prayers that seem truly worthy. I want to provide comfort, to be sure; but I also want to help readers like yourself learn how to pray with greater conviction, confidence, and purpose, even as you learn how to pray differently. If you have wrestled with these issues or if you know someone who has and want to help them, then this book is for you.

If I have a favorite character in the Bible, it’s the apostle Peter. He was a spiritual swashbuckler, the most intrepid of Jesus’