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    Why Relationships Fail
    Why Relationships Fail
    Why Relationships Fail
    Ebook89 pages1 hour

    Why Relationships Fail

    By Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D.

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    About this ebook

    In this ebook, I start out with a discussion of the Four Stages of Relationships. Intimate relationships do not just happen. They evolve. Their progress and path is well understood. I go over this because without knowing the stages, it is hard to figure out "where" in the continuum you might be, and it is hard to recognize some of the issues that relate to each stage. I walk you through each stage, highlighting the issues that are characteristic of each.
    Next, I delve into the "Deep Stuff." This ties what we learned early in life to what is happening in our relationships. This section covers Basic Assumptions and Transference. Don't worry. I define and give plenty of examples of each. You need this to get to the bottom of communication problems, especially in long-term liasons. One specific version of this is what I call Negative Loops. This is when one partner does something negative to the other, who in return does something back. Only, what the second partner does in return is the very thing that made the first partner upset in the first place. This unconsciously escalates with very bad consequences if each partner is not aware of the deep stuff. I describe eight categories of Negative Loops, which covers ninety percent of the relationship cases I've seen in the office.
    How do we avoid such traps? The next section covers Structured Communication. This is my technique that all by itself fixes about forty percent of relationship problems. It's about communicating in a way that reduces tensions and increases insights. There's the basic version and the enriched version, which happens when we get good. Both involve just a couple of extra steps that most partners do not currently utilize. I outline the process and give examples. The enriched part builds upon the success of the basic part. This ties the whole process together and helps partners move beyond Loops.
    This clears the air and paves the way for the good stuff. This is where I introduce another set of ideas, some attitudinal, some philosophical. This section clears up another forty percent of problems. In this section I talk about the 51/49 Rule, The Four-To-One Rule, Ego States, The Seven Deadly Words or Phrases and The Anatomy of Guilt. Using these makes your relationships "sing." I call this the cherished experience, which is how good relationships should be.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSteven T. Griggs, Ph.D.
    Release dateDec 25, 2011
    ISBN9781465843586
    Why Relationships Fail
    Author

    Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D.

    I'm a psychologist. I write no-fat, how-to ebooks on subjects and conditions I fix everyday in the office. These include relationships, being assertive, struggling with guilt and/or procrastination, children and teenager's behavior, anxiety disorders, anger management, kids and divorce, self-esteem, child visitation, weight control, forgiveness, ADHD, addictions, and my latest, mood disorders. I've written 15 ebooks, and most of them are translated into Spanish. Now, I'm starting to write a book, "The Other Side of the Couch." It's about my daily experiences as an outpatient psychologist and how I see the world through the lense of a shrink...

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      Book preview

      Why Relationships Fail - Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D.

      WHY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL

      By

      Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D.

      A PSYCHOLOGICAL CORPORATION

      Copyright

      May 2009

      Published by Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D. at Smashwords

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      Table of Contents

      Disclaimer

      Why Relationships Fail

      The Four Stages of Relationships

      ---Novelty

      ---Exclusivity

      ---Marriage

      ---Separation/Divorce

      Deep Stuff

      ---Transference

      ---Negative Loops

      -----Controlling vs. Passive Aggressive

      -----Assertiveness vs. Avoidant

      -----Perfectionism vs. Lackadaisicalness

      -----Anxiety Dampeners vs. Anxiety Enhancers

      -----Critical Parent vs. Rebellious Child

      -----Spenders vs. Conservers

      -----Aggression vs. Hysteria

      -----Needy vs. Withdrawal

      Structured Communication

      ---Articulation of Process

      ---Validation

      The 51/49 Rule

      The Four-To-One Rule

      Ego States

      The Seven Deadly Words or Phrases

      Guilt

      Why This Will Not Work

      References

      About The Author

      DISCLAIMER

      You have likely purchased this ebook because you or probably someone you know is struggling with a difficult relationship. I am assuming this is not because of depression or anxiety, a personality disorder, a come down (rebound) from a drug binge, alcoholism or some medical or psychiatric condition. I am assuming this is a (probably longer-term) psychological condition, so I am going to talk about communication and relationships in this context. If there are other conditions lurking in the background, these need to be identified and dealt with separately, possibly before reading this ebook, because they will negatively affect a relationship. They are outside the scope of this ebook, so deal with them first if they exist, or possibly concurrently if you have approval from your therapist. If you have any doubt, ask your local provider (Ph.D., M.D., D.O., etc.), or at least talk this over with friends. Let us make sure we are dealing only with your psychological space.

      This ebook is not psychotherapy, nor a substitute for psychotherapy or any treatment offered by a mental health professional. The information given is straightforward, written in ordinary English, and conforms to the general standards of the profession of psychology in the United States. The attempt has been to present this information in a thorough, accurate manner, without being too technical (clinical) or overwhelming in detail. It is written for adults of reasonably sound mental states who wish to learn more about their own experiences within the context of communication and relationships. It is written for adults who understand and wish to practice communication and other skills as presented in this self-help format. It is assumed the reader has an average level of intelligence and competence in reading, thinking about and understanding materials of this nature. The author of this ebook does not claim the enclosed information will cure anyone's relationship or communication problems.

      WHY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL

      Communication is the key to all relationships. It does not matter if the relationships are short or long-term, professional or casual, straight or gay, friend, lover or even foe. Everyday relationships (with the grocery store clerk, neighbor, work acquaintances) are relatively superficial. Longer-term relationships, like good friends, extended family; even enemies bring out more and more of the real you. The focus of this ebook is on personal relationships of the partner kind. As these relationships evolve, they can become more problematic. This ebook will focus on why they fail and how to get them back on track.

      People have some silly ideas about relationships. We think when we meet someone that the rush and fun of it all will last forever. We think that the person we meet will be the same cool person in ten years. The initial stage of relationships is quite stimulating. Its heaven, one woman told me. Of course, we know that relationships change from day to day and that the beginning part yields to other experiences.

      Philosophically, I find it interesting that people even get along at all. Imagine putting two different people of two different genders (unless you are a gay couple), of two different levels of intelligence, education, cultures, language ability, different interests in the same house and have them relate. We both like classical music. We both enjoy movies and going out to dinner. Sounds like heaven, so far. Now, let us have them live together for a longer time, maybe a couple of years and see what happens. Still living in heaven? I am kidding, but this is not very far from what many people initially think. Couples think it feels good now, so let’s go for it, and it will always be that way. NOT!

      Fortunately, and this is counterintuitive, the differences between partners are relatively superficial and are not responsible for the souring or even demise of relationships. I know people who are from different cultures, are of different races, speak different languages, etc., who have wonderful long-term relationships. I also know people of the same race, culture, relative intelligence and education, etc., who fight like cats and dogs. Why? What makes or breaks relationships are not the similarities of tastes, etc; rather, it is the underlying dynamics of the partners in the relationship. This is the subject of this ebook. Personal, i.e., intimate relationships stretch the limits of what is communicated, or worse, acted out. This brings to the surface the more intimate dynamics that lurk behind our social masks. This deeper stuff really surfaces in intimate relationships, which are usually longer in formation and duration. This and the history that evolves are what cause trouble.

      These phenomena push interpersonal boundaries and usually more dramatically define the differences between personal or intimate relationships (as opposed to friend or acquaintances). Recognizing this is crucial. We have to know more about relationship dynamics and know more about effective communication. So, how do these experiences evolve?

      THE FOUR STAGES OF RELATIONSHIPS

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