Kids and Divorce
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About this ebook
This ebook discusses what not to do after the divorce, or put more positively, what to do to help your child(ren) cope and process this very big life-changing event. It focuses on the child’s experiences, and presents these to parents so parents know what not to do.
I start with a summary of some of the more common research findings. I don't get too technical or scholarly, but it is important to put my information in context. Next is a description of how children see divorce. (Most parents "get" more of their own experience, not the childs.') Here is a discussion of the seven things kids want, and the five feelings they need to express.
Next is a discussion of what parents might consider before the divorce. Some parents do a very good job of thinking about what to do before telling the kids. Here you will find the top ten things to do first...
What are the ways to "reach" kids? I go over specific communication techniques, especially the ones that work. What about rewards, bribes, manipulation? Parents usually resort to some version of these, often out of desperation or guilt. I write about how to avoid much of that. These are covered under "Vocabulary of Feelings," the "Four-To-One Rule," and the "Three Contingencies of Reinforcement."
Parents have to know about "acting out" and what it expresses. What does it mean? What is the child doing by behaving this way? How do parents de-code these behaviors? This is where the Vocabulary of Feelings earns high marks. What are the most common feelings children have during this time? I list seven.
Sometimes, kids are really thrown for a loop by divorce, no matter how sensitive the parents are. Worse, sometimes kids fall apart, which is more common when parents declare war on each other. I list the top ten major warning signs of childhood decompensation. If you see any of these signs, take your child to a licensed professional.
What are the three most destructive things a child believes about the divorce? Parents have to correct these right away, or else... What is the one finding from dozens of studies that almost single handedly explains why kids suffer in divorce? The research is clear and parents should address this above all else.
Parents should know about Constancy. This is one of the most powerful psychological priniciples that parents overlook. Without it, kids are lost. What is the most crucial time to attend to this?. There is one developmental time frame that requires special attention. If the divorce occurs during this two year period, the child is five times more likely to develop significant depression and/or an anxiety later.
How should parents handle "visitation?" This is such a strange word to kids, especially in the beginning, just after the divorce.
Then I introduce some techniques--things to do or say that make much of this manageable. Believe it or not, parents can succeed in all the above areas, even while living in separate households.
This brings up co-parenting. Have you and your "ex" considered what rules each of you will have pertaining to the child? How about rewards for good behaviors? It's important for the contingencies to be at least similar between the houses. I provide lots of tips.
What are the seven deadly sins committed by warring parents during visitation? These are huge "no-no's" if you want your child to have any peace of mind at all.
What do parents need to know if and when there arrives a stepparent? Thought things were challenging just after the divorce? Just wait...
And, what do parents do with their own feelings? Usually, we act them out on our "ex." This is understandable, but it is damaging to both parents and children. Lastly, two things are included that are not often discussed in this context. One is the death of a parent and the sequela experienced by the remaining family members. The other is the divorced parent's self-care, which is usually diminished.
Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D.
I'm a psychologist. I write no-fat, how-to ebooks on subjects and conditions I fix everyday in the office. These include relationships, being assertive, struggling with guilt and/or procrastination, children and teenager's behavior, anxiety disorders, anger management, kids and divorce, self-esteem, child visitation, weight control, forgiveness, ADHD, addictions, and my latest, mood disorders. I've written 15 ebooks, and most of them are translated into Spanish. Now, I'm starting to write a book, "The Other Side of the Couch." It's about my daily experiences as an outpatient psychologist and how I see the world through the lense of a shrink...
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Kids and Divorce - Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D.
KIDS AND DIVORCE
by
Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D.
A PSYCHOLOGICAL CORPORATION
Copyright
October 2009
Published by Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D. at Smashwords
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Table of Contents
Disclaimer
Introduction
Background
Before the Divorce
The Kid’s Point of View
Children Want to Feel
Strategies and Techniques
Common Feelings and Reactions
Red Alert Behaviors
Three Crucial Subjects
The Crucial Developmental Stage
Visitation
Parents Working Together
Co-Parenting
Post-Divorce Counseling
The BIG No-No’s
Blended Families
-Expanded Blended Families
And Last
Conclusion
About the Author
Other Publications by this Author
DISCLAIMER
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked with children of all ages for over twenty years. Usually parents drag their kids into my office complaining of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging from not cleaning up their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their siblings, or worse, stealing, fighting or using drugs. Many of these behaviors become worse as children express their tensions over their parent’s divorce. This ebook is not meant to be the definitive source of information on separation and/or divorce of parents, and/or the subsequent experiences of children. Rather, it explores and summarizes the major issues experienced by children, mostly, and my conclusions about them, gleaned from many years of working with parents who have separated, and their children who have had to adjust. This ebook is more for the parents and discusses what not to do after the divorce, or put more positively, what to do to help your child cope and process this very big life-changing event. I focus on parents and how they can change their children’s behaviors and overall experiences by changing the way parents approach the children. It also includes discussions of both the parent and child’s experiences. However, since I am a child psychologist, it presents information, techniques and general approaches to kids to make the child’s experience better, even though it is written for the parents.
This ebook is not a substitute for psychotherapy or any treatment offered by a mental health professional. I am assuming the reader is affected by separation and/or divorce, but is not suffering from some major mental illness such as depression or anxiety, a come down (rebound) from a drug binge, alcoholism or some medical or other major psychiatric condition. If there are other extant conditions, these need to be identified and dealt with separately, possibly before reading this ebook, or maybe you can deal with them concurrently if you have approval from your therapist. If you have any doubt, ask your provider (Ph.D., M.D., D.O., etc.), or at least talk this over with friends. Let us make sure we are dealing only with your separation and/or divorce experiences.
The information given in this ebook is written in ordinary English, is straightforward and conforms to the general standards of the psychological professions in the United States. The attempt has been to present this information in a thorough, accurate manner, without being too technical (clinical) or overwhelming in detail. It is assumed the reader has an average level of intelligence and competence in reading, thinking about and understanding materials of this nature. The author of this ebook does not claim the enclosed information will cure
anyone's divorce blues,
only that it will help some people and give