The Kitchen God’s Guide for Single Guys - Easy Ways to Enjoy Food and Save Money

Chapter 0 - Beginnings

Here's how this guide got written. I have a muse to a kitchen god. (Really. No – really, really.) As a guy, you have played some pool, or been in places where pool is played. You always hear comments about how the billiard gods give someone a lucky shot to win the game or the billiard gods hate someone and viciously made him lose?

Well, in the kitchen, there is a kitchen god. (I’m serious, stop laughing.) He was kicked out of the cooking universe for gross abuse of something or other. (I think he was snorting pepper or something like that. I don’t want to inquire and he won’t say.) Anyway, he has taken on a new purpose – helping single guys eat better tasting food while saving them tons of cash (to be used for the fun side of life).

This is how he came into my life. One morning I staggered into the kitchen on Saturday morning and had just made my first cup of instant coffee. I sat down on a chair and was struggling to get a few brain cells lined up to consider what to make for breakfast.

That’s when he appeared with a flash of light, and a cloud of smoke. The smoke alarm went off and I scrambled out of my chair to fan the smoke away from the alarm. And there he was – this short dude, wearing a white dress (he said it was a robe).

I dashed for the phone to call 9-1-1 and he tripped me. While I was down, he stepped up to stand on my chest (he didn’t weigh hardly anything) and asked, Do you know who I am?

Before I could respond, he continued, I’m a kitchen god for single guys – just like you. He paused and looked down at me as if daring me to laugh. Wisely, I kept a straight face and held my peace.

He said, I am sick and tired of seeing all you dudes stumbling and bumbling around in kitchens. You all act like a bunch of morons. He paused to glare at me.

Except you. He paused as he stepped down from my chest. You still are stupid in the kitchen, but a lot less than everyone else I’ve observed.

He gestured, Go ahead, get up and have a chair. We are going to make a deal. Get me a cup of coffee and let’s talk.

As I assembled the necessaries, he climbed up into the other chair, sat down, and leaned back. I put his cup of coffee close to him, pulled my chair up to the table and slurped a couple of sips. He waited in silence for me to finish. Just a side question. Do you drink like that in front of women? A short pause and then shook his head sadly, You really need help. Well, that’s your problem, not mine.

He squared himself up to me and started, "Let’s talk seriously. Not only are you an adequate kitchen user, you also write pretty good too. I liked that Psychology of Losing book. It’s funny and educational too."

He paused to sip from his cup. I need you to write me a kitchen book for single guys. I looked up in surprise, and he continued, You can use a computer and I can’t. You can write, I can dictate. I need some name recognition. You can keep all the money from the book.

I gulped down the remnants of my cup and set it down carefully. Are you serious? Why me? I don’t know how to write a cook book.

He grinned, It isn’t a cook book. It’s a kitchen book. Wimps use cook books. Guys use kitchen books. Got it? Good. He paused to swallow a sip. He shuddered, You don’t have good taste in instant coffee either. He put the cup down.

We are going to collaborate. I know all the cool stuff and all you have to do is put it together into a nice package. And it could be books – plural – if you do a good job on this one.

I sat back in my chair and pondered his words. On the surface, it looked like a pretty good deal. I put in a few hundred hours of my time for the chance of making millions. And, I have an expert advisor to provide all of the technical details. I don’t know about kitchen stuff as well as pool or sports competing, but with his help, it could work.

I got down to brass tacks and started a series of questions:

Me: What about finding a publisher?

Him: Self-publish.

Me: How do I get the world out?

Him: You figure it out.

Me: Any chance of a retainer?

Him: Nope.

Me: You sure? Even a little bit?

Him: Do I have to repeat myself? I’m a kitchen god for guys. Do I look like I have anyplace to keep money? Don’t use it and don’t need it. You get all the money, I get all the glory.

Me: I reserve the right to back out.

Him: Nope. We got a deal?

Me: I will probably regret this. OK. Deal.

We shook hands. And that is how this cook book – sorry, kitchen book, got started.

About the Kitchen God and some of his wisdom

(Dictated to me by the Kitchen God.)

Who am I to call myself a Kitchen God? That’s easy - I am a magical being, vast in knowledge and experience. Although I'm not omnipotent, I come pretty close - sometimes. Outside the kitchen, I only have influence where food is sold (supermarkets, convenience stores, and such places). There I occasionally advise such individuals who are male and single. My power weakens with married guys, and I could care less about the females.

Inside the kitchen with a single guy who is my student, I have great powers of suggestion. I can scan the contents of a refrigerator in a single glance and instantly provide a half dozen tasty ideas. I can even guide the hand to select and add acceptable levels of spices. Take my word for it. I am who I say I am - the Kitchen God, OK?

I am dictating this book to my earth-bound chosen disciple. This is the beginner's guide to basic survival in the kitchen. You will master my basic laws, learn how to perform a few rituals and study all of the various safety processes. If my guidelines are followed religiously, the recipes I provide below will instill in you a sense of adventure and self-sufficiency. Follow my recommendations and suggestions and you will enjoy the consumption of food, instead of considering it to be only fuel. As you become more experienced, I will provide inspirations of brilliant food ideas and thereby make life a bit more enjoyable.

My presence will be known by the food you create. When mundane ingredients are mixed together, and a wonderful taste experience occurs, that is because of me. I personally jogged your elbow and guided your hands.

I will teach you the proper rituals necessary to successful interaction between yourself, food and the kitchen tools. Learn and you'll eat well for the rest of your life. Dismiss my messages and you won't be able to make toast.

As the Kitchen God to single guys, I am your guide and mentor. My responsibility is to prepare you to eat well and enjoy the consumption of flavorful food. Learn at my feet, my son. You are one of mine. I will educate you into the mysteries and wonders of tasty consumables. Accept my teachings and trust my words.

I am aware that there are a great many cook books out there that proclaim to be the source of great cooking. A quick search on Amazon will list hundreds and hundreds. Many of them are but poor efforts by unguided individuals who know not the glory I could have bestowed on them. Many are by women, some by gourmets, and others are just pitiful.

But also know that the path and way of the Kitchen God allows my followers to take those efforts and salvage them. My students will cleverly add and substitute ingredients to achieve a much better tasting representation worthy to be consumed by single men. Therefore, it is acceptable to have other collections of recipes in your kitchen. Simply apply my inspiration to the ingredient list and you will have food worthy of the Kitchen God – me.

Certification

This guide is generated because of a certified, genuine Kitchen God, me. I hereby confirm and validate that I am now and have always been the one and only Kitchen God for single guys. Everything I provide to my writer (Allan Sand) is designed for you to possess the skills, not just to survive, but to thrive well. Just as you put faith in me - I bestow upon you to be successful with food. I have spoken.

Chapter 1 – Introduction & welcome

This book provides the necessary guidelines to ensure that you can eat well for less cash outlay. Most of the information and details about the kitchen and its contents provided below are basic, but I have to assume the lowest common denominator of my students – that many of you are ignorant and need guidance.

Here is what I consider to be the lowest common denominator - the totally ignorant lonely guy in some studio apartment who has trouble recognizing the difference between a fry pan and a pot. His only experience in the kitchen is limited to throwing the door of the refrigerator open and staring inside for several minutes before shutting the door. He might be advanced enough to know that the pantry might have some stale cookies and does the same thing there. If you were one of the lucky few with a mom who insisted you learn how to turn on a stove burner without setting off the kitchen smoke alarm, skip over those areas you know. Scan through this book to identify the innovations that can make your food taste more better.

The kitchen is not a foreign country

As you study your way through this material, you will develop a personal understanding of what works and what doesn't. Take this information and craft it into something that makes your food unique. Develop a set of basic recipes that are adapted to fit your tastes and lifestyle.

As your attention wanders through this book, identify those food concoctions (recipes) that you'd like to try. Select them according to your willingness to try something new. Once a week, try a new recipe. Thursday nights are a good time. Experiment with your taste buds. This gives your mouth a whole week to recover until the next experiment.

Write down the details of successful experiments. Keep it with your treasures. By writing it out, it helps you remember the recipe. Use that recipe every couple of weeks and keep adjusting the quantities of the ingredients until it has been crafted into something you can do in your sleep. In other words, become a master at that particular recipe.

When it is tolerable to you, try it out on friends. Get their opinions. Don't get discouraged because of negative responses. That type of opinion only indicates that they don’t have educated taste-buds. That’s their loss.

Take note of positive responses. It feels great when friends start asking you to make one of your specialties. Allow them to feed your ego. For those who spurn your efforts, lessen the time spent in their company.

Once tweaked and mastered to your satisfaction, brag up your specialty to everyone. Who knows? Some great looking girl might hear about it and make some moves on you.

Beginning your life-long enjoyment of food

In this guide, I will initiate you into the process of creating tasty food with less cash out-of-pocket. It will no longer be required to acquire expensively packaged foods with pretty pictures. And no matter how you taste it – it is never as good as the picture on the packaging. Just by reading this book, you are becoming an adventurer, an explorer and conqueror of meat, vegetables, and condiments.

Most of these recipes are ready in a few minutes. Clean up is minimal. Most of these are so easy; you don't have to know the difference between a spatula and a spoon. Do a few tentative experiments and you will find an internal capacity that the world had never recognized.

You are now starting at the level of a beginning student. There is a lot of things to be learned. I don't want to push you too quickly into difficult things. Everything here is easy and simple. You won't even have to use that mysterious space under the stove burners and the floor called the oven.

I personally guarantee that the food you create will have an excellent chance to taste good. There are many options to adjust the results to satisfy personal tastes. Afterwards, only a bare minimum of dishes, utensils, and pots need cleaning.

You will learn that making something from scratch does not begin by removing a personal itch. If scrambled is the way you describe your underwear drawer, a new definition will be learned here.

To gourmet or not to gourmet

I have a few comments for those individuals who think their taste buds should be taken seriously. I have a problem with them. These are individuals who want to control your tastes and preferences.

I have observed more than a few of these dictators of diet. I have yet to see any one of them willing to pay the price of courageous attempts that can include monumental failures.

They are great criticizers of the efforts of others. Asked their opinion of a clever little combination of meat and vegetables and they will never praise the efforts of others. They can only criticize the work of others. If you get a chance to taste one of their efforts and express an opinion of dissatisfaction, they will go to great efforts to avoid your company in the future. Some of them are so vicious that they spread rumors that you are an ignorant clod with the taste sensitivity of a tongue of shoe leather, old shoe leather. If such words to come to your ears, consider the trade off a fair exchange for not having to put up with their attempts to force you to recognize their supposed superiority. Not a bad trade off actually.

They have one fault that I can never forgive. When they follow a recipe, they follow it exactly, EVERY TIME!?! They have no soul, no sense of adventure, no willingness to go where no man has gone before. For your own peace of mind and life, stay away from the bad influence of those who style themselves as gourmets.

My Laws of the Kitchen

I established these basic Laws to assist and guide your efforts. Read them carefully and apply them. You're now on an adventure that will last a lifetime.

These laws are guidelines. Do not let friends, acquaintances, relatives, or strangers stand in the way of belief in yourself and trust in me. Study my wisdom, memorize my proclamations and mumble them in your sleep. Only then will you be on the road to becoming a Kitchen Master.

The First Law - Thy kitchen is yours

The kitchen is your