Crawling Distance

Crawling Distance

Stanski

Copyright©2012 Stanski

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Cover art Elephant Small © Stanski

Crawling Distance

Contents

1. Getting Ready

2. Charlie

3. Kid… Ronnie & Roy

4. Don’t Sit There…!

5. Timing

6. Paul

7. Pete

8. Dave

9. Mary

10. Leathered

11. Bob

12. OAP At MCD

13. Well On Your Way

14. Mission Possible

15. Still Smoking

16. Sweeney

17. Last Shout

18. Fish ‘n’ Chips, Twice

19. Hole In The Road

20. Overtime

About The Author

1. Getting Ready

What’s it all about?

You often ask yourself this question, don’t you…?

Usually you ask it on Monday mornings…

When you have to get up for work, don’t you…?

It’s a Monday morning type of question really, innit…?

Today is Friday though, innit…?

And it’s…

Well, it’s around tea time, innit…?

And you know what it’s like on Fridays, around tea time, don’t you…?

So why ask this question today, of all days…?

Work’s finished for the week, innit…?

And you have the whole weekend ahead of you to relax, don’t you…?

Your head’s still banging from it though, innit…?

That is what it’s all about, innit…?

It’s all about work, innit…?

No…?

Then you’re starving, aren’t you…?

Because it’s around tea time, innit…?

And you’re running out of time, aren’t you…?

Because it’s only a matter of hours to go before the Friday night Mission to get leathered with your mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb begins, innit…?

And the Rubb A Dubb Dubb is the actual name of your favourite local boozer…

Not just some Cockneyesque, rhyming slang thingy, innit…?

But you’re knackered, aren’t you…?

And you’re lonely too, aren’t you…?

Because you’ve got no one to talk to about it, have you…?

You need a friend, don’t you…?

But you only have mates, don’t you…?

Because you’re a bloke, aren’t you…?

If you carry on talking to yourself like this, you’ll end up answering yourself, won’t you…?

Hey, maybe that’s not such a bad idea…

Give it a try, why don’t you…?

See how it goes…

So, go on then…

What are you on about…?

"Tape…

Orange tape…

Bright orange tape…

Bright orange, reflective tape…

Y’know, the sort that indicates a hazard…

Not that… ‘Crime Scene/Police Line: Do Not Cross/Danger Unexploded Mines’… type of tape. Just that bog-standard, common or garden, bright orange, reflective stuff that’s suspended from steel poles with spikes, and is used to cordon off areas, to warn of road works and such like… Y’know, to prevent accidents… in theory. And the reason it works so well… allegedly… this theoretical accident prevention… is because of the reflective properties of this bright orange, high-visibility tape, which is not only reflective, but more, much more than this, it’s thoughtfully reflective, indeed considerately reflective… because, not only is it reflective of daylight, but it’s also reflective of artificial light sources during the hours of darkness… which means you’d really have to be some kind of fool to miss spotting it… wouldn’t you…?

What’s that all about?"

Phew! You have got it bad, haven’t, you?

Who said that?

Hello…

Er…

Mate…

Over here…

In your head, I guesss…

It’s your…

Imaginary friend…

Talking…

Communicating with you…

Give me a break… you can’t be serious… Shit, you are, aren’t you…? I mean… it’s cool…

Well, mate, isn’t it all about making a living…?

I mean that’s how you make yours, innit…?

With that bright orange, reflective tape, innit…?

"Innit… but more to the point… without jumping the gun, or anything… I mean, you wanna hear the joke before the punchline is delivered, don’t you…? Don’t you…?

Course you do… So, where was I…?

Oh yeah… that’s right… getting ready…

No… that’s not right… is it…?"

We’re jumping that gun again, aren’t we…?

OK, we’re under starters orders, aren’t we…?

And this time, there will be no gun-jumping, will there…?

You weren’t getting ready at all, were you…?

How could you have been getting ready, when there’s still a million things to do before you can even think about getting ready…?

What was it you were getting ready for, anyway…?

"First… of a million… things first…

You know how it is on a Friday night… around tea time… don’t you…?"

Yeah, you’ve just finished work, haven’t you…?

And by ‘Work’, you mean that thing you do with bright orange, reflective tape, don’t you…?

Y’know…

To pass the time until that thing you live for…

The weekend…

And it’s only a matter of hours to go before the Friday night Mission to get leathered with your mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb begins, innit…?

And that’s the actual name of your favourite local boozer…

Not just some Cockneyesque, rhyming slang thingy, innit…?

Innit…

But, as has already been mentioned, there are still a million things to do before you can even think about getting ready to go on any Mission to get leathered with your mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb, aren’t there...?

You’ve still got to eat your tea, for starters, haven’t you…?

Or eat your starters for tea…?

Whichever way you prefer it, innit…?

You’ve got to watch a bit of telly, yeah…?

And take a shower…

Choose some suitable gear to wear…

As well as…

And this is a big one…

Decide how much cash you need to get from the ATM…

Or hole in the wall…

Before walking…

Yes, walking…

The one thousand four hundred and seventy nine metres…

Or is it yards…?

To the Rubb A Dubb Dubb…

That’s the actual name of your favourite local boozer…

Not just some Cocknyesque, rhyming slang thingy…

OK, not exactly a million things to do, but not far off, innit…?

Innit…

And on top of all that… I’ve only gone and said I’ll do a bit of Saturday morning overtime, haven’t I…? Eight while twelve… At time and a half…It won’t even pay for Friday night’s Mission to get leathered with my mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb, will it…? But still, I suppose it’s worth having… even after tax, innit…?

Innit…

Right… What’s for tea then…?

Let’s see, Friday…

Fish on Friday…?

Nah, later… Chippy’ll be chocka now…

What’s in the fridge then…?

Cup-a-Soup; already made… as luck would have it… yesterday… or the day before…

Microwave, highest setting, four or five minutes…

The only way to make old stuff edible…

Nuke it…!

I mean, it’s not worth taking any chances, is it…?

Especially not on a Friday night, when you’ve got, well, nearly a million other things to do before you can even think about getting ready for your Friday Night Mission to get leathered with your mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb…

That’s the actual name of your favourite local boozer…

Not just some Cocknyesque, rhyming slang thingy…

Even if several hundred thousand of those things actually are to do with getting ready…

What was it you were getting ready for…?

"Oh, great! Wholemeal bread…! What’s wrong with