Winning the Battle: A Father's Survival Guide to Divorce and Parenting

Winning the Battle: A Father’s Survival Guide to Divorce and Parenting

Published by Mark Elliott at Smashwords.

First Edition.

(c) Copyright 2013 Mark Elliott.

All rights reserved. Permission must be obtained from the author prior to any unauthorized reproduction or transmission in any form or by any means.

License Notice

This ebook is licensed for your personal use only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Disclaimer

The information provided in this book is not intended to be a statement of the law or, in particular, to contain legal, financial or mental health advice.

You should consult an attorney if you have any questions regarding the information. You should not act on any information without first receiving professional legal counsel or talking with a certified accountant or family therapist.

The author has been judicious in the preparation of this book, but makes no expressed or implied warranty of any kind and assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions.

No liability is assumed for incidental or consequential damages in connection with or arising out of the use of the information, third party Web sites, referenced software, or programs contained herein.

Company, product, or service names mentioned herein may be trademarks or service marks of their respective owners. Any persons, businesses, government entities, academic institutions, locales or events used in this book are fictional and for the purpose of illustrating concepts related to the subject matter of this book. Any resemblance to actual persons (living or dead), businesses, government entities, academic institutions, locales or events is entirely coincidental.

Author’s Acknowledgments

It took a great many hours to write, produce and publish this book. Without the understanding, hard work and contributions of the following people, this book would not have been possible.

A special thanks to my parents who provided love, support and guidance throughout the divorce. I am grateful for the generous words of encouragement and for listening to my tales of woe. They have taught me to be patient and to keep the situation in perspective.

Thank you to Joan Elliott at iWriteFeatures.com for reviewing and editing the content. I appreciate all the support and guidance provided during the writing of this publication.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all the dads in the world who are going through (or have been through) a divorce and are striving to be the best possible father to their children.

Table of Contents

FOREWORD

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1 – Separation

Making the Difficult Decision

Knowing the Law

Where to Begin

Collecting Documents

Taking Inventory of Marital Property

Talking with Your Spouse

Talking to the Children

Frequently Asked Questions by Children

Custody Arrangements

Finding a New Home

Managing Family Heirlooms and Photos

Moving Out

After Moving Out

The Marital Home

Filing Taxes

Books

CHAPTER 2 - Divorce

Preparing for Battle

Post-Separation Support

Alimony Types

Calculating Spousal Support

Alimony Payments

Arrearage

Child Support

Custody

Divorce Management Options and Types

Division of Marital Assets

Discovery

Doing Your Homework

Appearing in Court

Domestic Violence

Parenting Agreement

Free Trader Agreement

Beneficiaries and Wills

CHAPTER 3 – Family Law

Finding an Attorney

The Initial Consultation

The Personality Test

Working with Your Attorney

Understanding Attorney Fees

Reducing Legal Expenses

Sharing an Attorney

CHAPTER 4 – Side Effects of Divorce

Coping Strategies

Difficulty Sleeping

Too Many Questions

Distorted Truth

The Holidays

CHAPTER 5 – The Danger Zone

Let the Games Begin

Inflated Expenditures

False Accusation

Double Dipping

The Custody Slip

Under-Employment

Excessive Documentation

Insufficient Documentation

Come On Over Documentation

CHAPTER 6 – Juggling Divorce

Staying Employed

Talking to Your Boss

Finding Peer Support

Helping your Child

Your Child’s Rights

Behaviors to Avoid with Children

CHAPTER 7 – Managing Issues

Single Parent Training

Custody Calendar

Family Birthdays

Dad Time

Family and Children Time

Grocery Shopping List

Quick Reference Meal Menu

Dealing with the Picky Eater

Constant Bickering

Reminder Cards

CHAPTER 8 – A Fresh Start

Family Portrait

Game Night

Movie Night

Dating

CHAPTER 9 – Managing School

Getting Ready for School

Homework

Meeting the Principal

Unsupportive Teachers

School Bully

CHAPTER 10 – The Holidays

CHAPTER 11 – Traveling

CHAPTER 12 – Being a Great Dad

APPENDIX A – Other Resources

APPENDIX B –Free Trader Agreement

APPENDIX C –Request for Production of Documents

APPENDIX D – Interrogatories

APPENDIX E – New Address Notification Letter

APPENDIX F – Parenting Plan

FOREWORD

For starters, I never thought I would get divorced. For better or worse, I assumed marriage was about spending the rest of my life with one special person. It was supposed to be a time for raising children and sharing in the joy of parenting. I had envisioned family vacations and building a lifetime of memories together as we guided our children into adulthood. We were supposed to grow old together.

I fully anticipated that there would be disagreements, but figured we’d work through them and move on to greener pastures. At the very least we would agree to disagree.

In my case that obviously did not happen. Call me naïve, if you will, but I never imagined that differences could be totally irreconcilable or for two people to grow in completely opposite directions.

While I cannot change the past, I can shape the future and hopefully help others in the process. So, welcome to the separated, divorced and single parent club – whether it’s by choice or otherwise.

As you venture down this uncharted road you may need some help in preparing for what lies ahead. Hopefully I can be the person to provide some insight and guidance with your journey.

Divorce can be a humiliating, depressing and draining experience. It’s often about the blame game and who can come up with the better strategy. Or, in many cases, it comes down to who has the superior attorney with the more believable arguments. Be prepared for the unexpected as you play this life-altering game.

There are bound to be days when your emotions will run amuck as you encounter victories and defeats. Savor the victories and try to take the defeats in stride.

Obviously a divorce also means a change in your home environment which can be equally stressful. Where before there were two parents to manage one household, there are likely two households now and you’re the only one managing yours.

As changes in living arrangements occur, you’ll need to maintain a positive relationship with your children and strive to be the best father possible, minimizing the impact on them and helping them know they are loved deeply.

This is no small feat especially when the politics of divorce tend to want to take over. But, face it, you’re single (or are soon to be.) You’ve got responsibilities. You’ve got very important little people dependent upon you and on-the-job training is all that’s available.

Being an effective single parent takes time, practice and a new set of organizational skills. Over time I know you’ll find your stride. As difficult as it may seem to believe right now, you will gain strength you never knew you had. You’ll recuperate and recover from the divorce – as will the children.

So, as you journey down this new road, please don’t lose spirit. Know that it will take time; take things one day or one situation at a time, keep patting yourself on the back and looking forward.

Know that others have traveled this same journey and survived. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help or to rely on others for support. Other divorce survivors will understand your plight and will greet you with open arms to help you. And you, in turn, can offer camaraderie to others who are also struggling along at some point in the future.

Finally remember that no matter how difficult your journey seems you have a choice in life. Learn to let go of the past and focus on the future. Choose to be happy and you will not only survive the battle but also free yourself from the burden and pain of divorce.

INTRODUCTION

Being a parent is, under any circumstances, a challenging task. It requires skills to juggle work, child care, daily household chores, bills and children’s school activities – and that’s just for starters.

The challenge can be even greater if you’re going through a separation and divorce or have become a single parent. I can say from experience that it can be downright exhausting from both a physical and mental perspective. The divide and conquer approach, often used with two parents, is no longer an available option when there’s only one of you.

Yet, somewhere in the flurry of legal activities, daily household chores and work, there needs to be time for you. Everyone needs time to relax, to get away from the daily grind and to recharge the batteries – so to speak.

Since I’ve recently come through the process, it was therapeutic for me to write this book to help other Dads who now find themselves in a similar situation.

This book offers a unique perspective and shares first-hand information on being a single parent, rearing children and managing a divorce. While I’m not a professional therapist or a family law divorce attorney, I have learned a lot as I’ve gone through the process. And I am a divorced parent of two wonderful children.

My divorce, like many, was not pretty. In going through the separation and divorce process, I found that family, friends and married couples really could not grasp the magnitude of the situation or devastation of the divorce process. I dare say, only people who have been through a divorce can truly understand what it’s like. At times if felt like I’d been hit by a transit bus and, just as I start to recover and begin to stand-up, I got hit again.

Sure friends, family and even neighbors cared, but at the same time they really could not relate to the gravity of the experience. As a person who has been through process, I hope this survival guide offers you help in managing your situation.

The book provides insight not only on divorce management, but also about managing the new family and juggling the bustle of chores that come with being a single parent. You’ll learn about the separation process, types of divorce and how to spot dirty divorce tactics. Additionally, the book includes a wealth of fun-filled activities that you can do with your children during this transitional period and beyond.

You might decide to read the book from cover to cover. That’s great! At the same time, feel free to jump around and find a topic with which you can identify right now. Perhaps another section will call out to you later. My intention is to allow easy access to information when you need it.

As you read through the book, you’ll notice sections marked as tips and warnings. A "Tip signifies noteworthy information or reminders you should consider tacking to your wall – so to speak. A Warning," on the other hand, indicates a subject that has the potential to cause you grief if you overlook it. So do pay careful attention to the sections. They can keep you from falling into a hole.

Finally, the publication includes "Did you know?" text blocks. These sections provide facts, tips for locating additional information, related publications and other useful information to help you through the divorce.

CHAPTER 1 – Separation

Some would argue that you never really know your spouse until you go through a separation or divorce. While many couples separate under amicable terms, I would venture to say there are many more that do not. And that’s when things can turn ugly.

This chapter provides a general roadmap to the separation process. Here you’ll learn how to manage the separation and the steps you can take to protect yourself along the way. After reading this chapter you’ll understand:

How actions can have long-term impacts from both a family and legal perspective

How to prepare for the separation

What actions to take before moving out

How to plan and manage the move out

How to talk with your children

Where to find helpful publications for you and your children

How to manage custody

What actions to take after moving out

Clearly the divorce process is cumbersome and taxing. So it’s to your advantage to be as prepared as possible as you navigate through the separation and ultimately the divorce.

The topics in this section can be especially important if you believe or anticipate a nasty divorce lies ahead; and even if you don’t envision such actions will occur, it’s still wise to take precautions to protect yourself.

Making the Difficult Decision

No one really thinks they’ll be in this situation, especially when falling in love or getting married. Everyone dreams of the life-long love and to live happily ever after with your soul mate. Sadly that’s a fairy tale. The reality is that 50% of all marriages fail for any number of reasons.

In the end, living in a house with constant tension, bickering and disagreement on practically anything and everything is awful. To continue living together under such circumstances can even be detrimental to everyone’s health.

When two people can no longer be cordial, it’s time to take action. Many start with counseling while others just weigh the pros and cons of the situation. Some just know that it’s time, after countless sleepless nights and general malaise. But once you know in your heart of hearts that this is what must be done, it can be a huge relief. For many, the decision to separate or divorce may in fact be the first agreement in a long time between you and your spouse.

At the same time, the decision is not without its own consequences and set of complications. For instance, who will move out? Where will you (or she) live? How and when should you talk to the children? What’s the next step in the separation? How do you file for divorce?

These are all excellent questions. The answers to these questions will unfortunately take time and will depend on your situation. Just as each marriage is unique, so is every divorce. Recognize that it will take time to find your footing and to understand the judicial process for your state. Only then will you find the answers that address your circumstances.

Also recognize the important role you must take in helping your children to settle into the situation and to understand. Sure there’ll be general unease as their daily routines change. Just like you, they are stepping into the unknown. Conversely, they too are living in a house with constant tension. They can see and feel the frustration. So, in the long term, they too can benefit from the lifestyle change with your guidance and support.

At this point, simply coming to terms with the situation, and understanding you are about to embark on a new journey is a good first step. No doubt there are bound to be good days and not so good days. Separation and divorce can be a messy business. So, as you encounter the proverbial bumps in the road, remember to keep the big picture in mind. Eventually the divorce will be finalized and you will be able to move on.

Knowing the Law

With your decision to separate in place and before either of you actually moves out, it’s important to understand the laws of your state; laws vary dramatically from state to state. For instance, while some states no longer find fault with moving out, others consider the act to be abandonment.

TIP! Some states have formal separation procedures where you must file papers with the court in order to be considered legally separated. Other states consider you to be legally separated once one party has moved out of the marital residence. States may also require couples to be separated a specific number of days before being allowed to divorce.

North Carolina, for example, mandates that couples be separated 366 days before filing for divorce. Missouri, on the other hand, allows couples to file for divorce almost immediately upon separation.

Recognize that a poor choice can directly affect child custody, alimony payments, support payments and other divorce proceedings. A poor decision can count against you in the eyes of the judge; and opposing counsel could possibly leap at the opportunity to air dirty