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    Who's Raising Whom?
    Who's Raising Whom?
    Who's Raising Whom?
    Ebook186 pages2 hours

    Who's Raising Whom?

    By Larry Waldman

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    About this ebook

    What sets this classic child-raising book apart from other books is Dr. Larry Waldman's ability to tell you why your child is misbehaving--then, step-by-step, in easy-to-understand language he tells you how to use proven methods to reverse that behavior. Over 24,000 families have been helped by this book. It is the next best thing to having eight one-on-one counseling sessions with Dr. Waldman.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherUCS PRESS
    Release dateOct 31, 2010
    ISBN9780943247182
    Who's Raising Whom?
    Author

    Larry Waldman

    Dr. Waldman has lived in the Valley of the Sun (Phoenix/Scottsdale, Arizona) for nearly 40 years with his wife, Nan, who recently retired after 30 years of teaching fourth grade in the public schools. They have two sons, Josh, an attorney in southern California, and Chad, who is completing his training in school psychology in Portland, Oregon.He started his private practice in 1979 after working for seven years as a school psychologist for Scottsdale Public Schools. Over the next 31 years he developed his private practice into one of the most successful practices in Arizona.In addition to his clinical practice he does forensic work, consults to Social Security and to a private school, teaches for Northern Arizona University, sells his books, and speaks professionally.He’s written four books:Who’s Raising Whom?: A Parent’s Guide to Effective Child Discipline, published in 1987, is aimed at helping parents learn why their children misbehave then how to correct that misbehavior with techniques that work.Coping With Your Adolescent, published in 1994, is designed to help parents appropriately cope and shape their adolescent’s behavior.How come I love him but can’t live with him? published in 2004, teaches couples, using a behavioral model, to better understand their relationship and to behave toward each other in a more mutually-rewarding fashion.The Graduate Course You Never Had was published in 2010. It's focus is on helping professional counselors learn how to better manage the business aspect of their practice.Over 24,000 copies of the print edition of Who’s Raising Whom? are in circulation.Dr. Waldman speaks professionally to the community, to educators, and to other mental health professionals. Topics include:parenting and managing children’s behavior; dealing with teens, marriage, stress management, understanding and treating ADHD; dealing with the difficult child in the classroom, solution-focused treatment; and private practice management and marketing.Print editions of Dr. Waldman’s books may be purchased at http://www.the-relationship-doctor.com and at http://www.marjimbooks.com.Look for e-book editions of all of his books at Smashwords.To arrange for Dr. Waldman to speak, please contact publisher @ marjimbooks.com. Remember to delete the spaces around @ so that your e-mail goes through.

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      Book preview

      Who's Raising Whom? - Larry Waldman

      This book is for you

      IF

      you are a parent, be it

      married,

      single,

      step,

      working;

      AND

      you sincerely want to understand

      why your young children are

      behaving in certain ways;

      AND

      you want to learn effective

      ways to respond to and

      successfully manage your

      children’s behavior.

      NOTE:

      Over 24,000 trade paperback books have been sold of

      the print edition of Dr. Waldman’s child-raising classic.

      ****

      Who’ Raising Whom?

      A parent’s guide to effective child discipline

      Dr. Larry Waldman

      Published by UCS PRESS at Smashwords

      Copyright 2010 by Larry Waldman, Ph.D.

      UCS PRESS is an imprint of MarJim Books

      PO Box 13025

      Tucson, AZ 85732-3025

      Cover design by Wayne Horne

      ISBN 978-0-943247-95-3

      This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      This e-Book edition contains the entire, updated contents of the trade paperback edition first published by UCS PRESS in 1987, and last printed in October 2007 and copyrighted by Dr. Larry Waldman in 1987 and 2007.

      DISCLAIMER: Although thousands of couples have used the techniques described and explained in this book, and have achieved success in better managing their children’s behavior, there is no guarantee that you will have the same success. However, the tools to have that success are in this book. It is up to you to use them, and thereby benefit from what you learn.

      ****

      Acknowledgment

      To Karl F. Riem, Ph.D., psychologist, my mentor, who first

      formally introduced me to behavior therapy

      Dedication

      To my wife, Nan, for her caring and inspiration; to my sons, Josh and Chad, for proving and helping me to refine my theories; and to my clients, for their faith, encouragement, and stories.

      ****

      Table of Contents

      Introduction

      An all-too-common situation

      Chapter One: A short course in

      behavioral psychology

      What is behavioral psychology?

      Chapter Two: A discussion of the parent-child

      relationship from the behavioral perspective

      Parental attention is the most powerful reinforcer

      Chapter Three: Behavior modification:

      the first steps

      Who’s to blame? – dealing with parents’ guilt

      Baselining

      How to baseline

      Chapter Four: Positive reinforcement

      Putting positive reinforcement into action

      Two very important rules of reinforcement

      Some easy-to-use reinforcers

      Shaping complex behaviors

      Setting positive contingencies: if/then propositions

      Special time

      Chapter Five: Extinction

      Why children misbehave

      Extinction procedures

      The need for consistency: the power of intermittent reinforcement

      The extinction effect

      The frustration effect

      Logical consequences

      Why do children learn to behave irresponsibly?

      The good person syndrome

      Rationalizing irresponsibility

      Developing responsibility in children

      Chapter Six: Punishment and discipline

      Is it dangerous, harmful, destructive, or directly disobedient?

      Reinforcement comes first

      Goals of punishment

      Definition and rules of punishment

      Types of punishment

      Reinforcing an alternative incompatible response

      I message

      Overcorrection

      Time-out

      Response cost

      Corporal punishment

      Cueing (negative reinforcement)

      Chapter Seven: Token economy systems

      Guidelines for token systems

      More complex token systems

      Allowances

      Money matters

      Dealing with noncompliance

      School – Home programs

      Long-term programs

      Chapter Eight: Special situations

      Divorce

      Single parenting

      Step-parenting

      Visitation problems

      Adopted children

      Children born to parents late in life

      Physically ill children

      Handicapped children

      Chapter Nine: When to get help and how to find it

      When to seek help

      How and where to find help

      Specific methods to find a therapist

      Ph.D., M.A., M.S.W., M.C., or M.D.?

      Questions to ask

      How to be a good patient / client

      Author’s Comment

      ****

      Introduction

      The biggest responsibility in the life of most adults is the raising of their children. It can be an awesome responsibility; however, despite the importance of child rearing, most people receive little or no training in the process.

      It has been suggested that in our society more attention is given to the licensing of teenagers to drive cars than to the ability or inability of persons to effectively raise their children.

      If you are biologically capable, you can become a parent.

      What greater resource to assure the future does any generation have than its children? But how are we managing this resource?

      If this generation of parents cannot raise its children any more effectively than we were raised, we cannot expect the next generation to be more emotionally stable, more rational, or happier.

      You need only to look at the rising crime rate, the increased use of drugs, the large number of broken families, and the rapid increase in mental health disorders, to realize that previous generations of parents perhaps could have done a better job of parenting.

      With the added stresses placed on families today, the task of parenting, unfortunately, is becoming even more important. Behavior problems are becoming more common in more and more families.

      During thirty-four years as a psychologist, I have counseled with thousands of parents, children, and teenagers. There are some messages that are coming in louder and clearer than ever before.

      Parents with disobedient, distractible, overactive, moody children typically feel frustrated and angry. Many parents have told me that they feel trapped in a bad situation with no easy exit; everything they have tried in the past has failed.

      I’ve had parents tell me that they feel cheated and duped because they were led to believe that parenthood was so wonderful, yet for them it has been so difficult.

      Many parents, especially mothers, have told me that they feel like failures as persons because they are not fulfilling their conception of the good, succorant parent. In almost ALL cases, parents with difficult children report that they feel they are not in control of their children and are, instead, simply reacting to their children’s behavior. These parents give the impression that they are not really raising their children but, rather, their children are raising them.

      This book helps parents examine the question, Who’s raising whom?

      I have never met a child who knew more about child raising than that child’s parents did. To feel loved and secure, children must be effectively guided and disciplined by their parents. Parents must lead, not simply react.

      In short, we must become the best possible managers we can be of our children.

      I have served as a special educator of emotionally handicapped children, a child counselor of delinquent youth, a behavior therapist in a hospital program, a professor of special education, a school psychologist, a consultant to a hospital child evaluation center, and a child psychologist in private practice.

      Many of the children I have seen have had serious handicapping conditions; many others have been considered minimally disabled or essentially normal.

      There is one very important factor that most of these children have in common: The behavior management of them has not been handled very well.

      If you ask pediatricians, teachers, child psychologists, or any other group of professionals dealing with children what is the major problem they most often confront, the most common response will be unsatisfactory management of the child.

      Although WHO’S RAISING WHOM? can benefit any family with children from infancy up to about sixteen years of age, it can especially benefit those families with younger children.

      I have found time and again that the methods proposed in this book are often very effective. They really work. Whether parents are married, single, working, or step, the ideas in this book can be very useful.

      Importantly, parents do not have to have a child who is out of behavioral control before they read this book. In fact, WHO’S RAISING WHOM? would be most helpful in assisting essentially normal families to function even more smoothly.

      Many books and articles have been written and programs developed in the effort to aid parents in getting in touch with their children or effectively communicating with them.

      Little has been done, however, on the topic of what parents are supposed to DO in response to their children’s misbehavior; what actions they are to TAKE!

      Moreover, few parents have been helped to understand WHY their children continue to do things that are inappropriate or irresponsible.

      This book will give parents a concise, comprehensive theory of parenting and discipline which will help them understand why their young children are behaving in certain ways and explain what they should do in response to their children’s misbehavior.

      Using behavioral principles of learning and development described in this book, parents will learn how to properly manage their children.

      My wife, Nan, and I used these same techniques in raising our sons. We hope they prove as helpful to you as they were for us.

      Dr. Larry Waldman

      ****

      An all-too-common situation

      Todd Sampson is six years old. He lives with his father, mother, and ten-year-old sister. Todd presents serious behavior management problems to his family.

      He is active and distractible. He frequently gets into things he has been told not to play with and he must be nagged continually to pick up things in his room.

      Todd throws at least one temper tantrum per day when he becomes frustrated or does not get his way. He tends to embarrass his parents when out in a restaurant or grocery store by running, touching and demanding things, or whining.

      He has few, if any, friends; when interacting with peers, Todd tends to boss, bully, or hurt them.

      Todd performs marginally at school, although his teacher feels he has the capability to do better. Todd also is a poor eater, preferring junk foods. He hates going to bed and wets his bed nightly.

      Todd’s parents are quite frustrated with him and his behavior.

      Mrs. Sampson has talked with Todd’s pediatrician, their clergyman, and Todd’s school teacher. She has been given considerable advice from many people regarding what to do with Todd; she has tried several strategies with Todd but she has not had much success.

      She often becomes angry at Todd for his misbehavior and then becomes upset with herself for losing her temper. She finds that she is becoming ashamed of Todd’s behavior and often makes excuses for him.

      More and more she arranges her schedule to shop and go places so that she does not have to take Todd with her. She dreads taking any trips with Todd because she knows that ultimately the outing will result in Todd’s misbehavior and her screaming and scolding.

      Mrs. Sampson feels unfulfilled as a mother. She had planned on having more children but after Todd thoughts of additional children were quickly abandoned.

      Mr. Sampson is just as frustrated with Todd and his behavior. He feels, though, that Todd generally minds him better than he does Mrs. Sampson. He resents the way Todd disobeys, manipulates, and ignores his wife, but cannot help feeling that if his wife was only a little more strict with Todd, things would be different.

      He has suggested many times to his wife that she should be more firm with Todd, but she responds that if he would spend more time with the children, perhaps she wouldn’t be having such a hard time with them.

      In truth, Mr. Sampson chooses to spend little time with Todd because he is usually so difficult. He often purposely comes home late from work so that the children will already be in bed and he won’t have to interact with them.

      Mr. Sampson has become quite tired of hearing his wife complain about Todd; any discussions they have usually come around to Todd, his bad behavior, and the resulting family discomfort. Occasional thoughts of divorce run through Mr. Sampson’s mind.

      ****

      Chapter One

      A short course in behavioral psychology

      Family situations like the one described on the previous two pages really are all too common.

      Children who have behavioral problems create stress within the home.

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