Dirty Numbers

D I R T Y N U M B E R S

Kim Cayer

Copyright © 2013 by Kim Cayer

Smashwords Edition

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- CONTENTS -

INTRODUCTION

OCTOBER 2, 2010

NOVEMBER 15, 2010

DECEMBER 25, 2010

JANUARY 15, 2011

FEBRUARY 25, 2011

MARCH 4, 2011

- INTRODUCTION -

How did I, a semi-religious Catholic girl, a woman of morals and good manners, get mixed up in the phone sex business?

My agent's assistant had just finished reading my latest offering; a fictional novel entitled NO FIRE ESCAPE IN HELL. The prognosis was good - they liked it and were going to push it.

A couple months later, nothing was happening with the book. If only you wrote non-fiction, my agent bemoaned.

And why's that? I asked.

We're in a recession, Lawrie explained. Publishers are not taking on new fiction writers. They're always interested in non-fiction though.

It sounded like a challenge. There was only one small problem - what did I really know enough about to write a book? And of course, it would have to be something rather interesting. I could write convincingly about How to Wash Dishes in Ten Minutes Flat but who'd really want to read it?

An answer presented itself within HOURS. I had decided to apply for an office job and saw an ad for receptionist for a romance line. Upon learning what kind of company it really was, I knew I had to get the job. Fortunately, the boss decided to give it to me. And after one day on the job, I knew there was a book in the making.

So, I worked for them, on and off (ha ha), for over two years. Every single goldarn anecdote or person is reality-based; therefore, I call this a non-fiction novel. Names and locations and minor details have been changed though, to protect the guilty.

After sifting through the ten pounds of notes I had acquired, I believe I've selected enough to give you a general idea of what the phone sex business is like. It's perverted, it's degenerate, and it makes a whole lot of money.

People have asked me how the business has affected me. I'm OK. Just don't bother giving me an obscene phone call because I'll warn you now, it'll have no effect on me whatsoever.

I've heard it all.

OCTOBER 2, 2010

Hello, may I help you?

Yes…unh, unh….you can…unh…unh…oh…oh…baby…I'm coming…

I hung up. My first call as a receptionist at my new job and I get an obscene caller. I guess that's to be expected. I'm working for a phone sex company.

* * * * *

Hello, may I help you?

Yes, I'm interested in your service.

Have you used our service before?

No, I'd like to know what the rate is?

The charge is $55 for up to half an hour of unrestricted conversation…

Click! He hung up. I'm not doing too well at placing orders. I'm worried. Am I discouraging them somehow? Is it my voice? Since I'm the first girl the customer hears when he calls, I should try and sound a little more seductive when I give out my spiel as to the charge of a call with one of our phone-mates. I wait for another call to practice this idea. It's not long before the phone rings again.

Hello…., I almost purr, Can I help you?

Yeah! a hillbilly voice responds. I wanna talk to one of those women.

Have you used our service before?

No, ma'am! he happily replies. I must be doing something right.

Do you have a major credit card? I sweetly ask.

No, ma'am, I don't, he answers. SHIT. That means we can't take his business. A credit card is an absolute must with us. None of this I'll send a cheque in the mail nonsense.

I'm sorry, sir, I inform him sympathetically, You need a credit card to speak to one of our ladies.

Hell, I don't need to talk to them, he yodelled. You got a nice voice… I can talk to you.

I became less seductive and in a firm voice, said, I'm sorry, sir, I'm only the operator.

Come on, he moans. Get me off….

CLICK. I'm forced to hang up on him. While the phone-mates job may be to get the customer off, I, the operator, must try and rise above that. I have nothing to do with that end of the job; I just take care of the office duties. This is supposed to be a legitimate job. They take taxes off and everything.

* * * * *

Hello, can I help you?

Yeah…., a slimy voice says, Help me….

I decide to tone up on my sexy voice and just try and sound pleasant. Will that be a happy medium? Seems if I try to sound sexy, I'm only asking for it, and if I sound too crisp and business-like, I lose the customers. Would you like to place an order?

An order? he asks. Maybe he didn't go that far in school.

Yes, an order to speak to one of the ladies. I go into my speech. The charge is $55, payable by major credit card, for up to half an hour of unrestricted conversation. We have l5 ladies available, ranging in age from l8 to the mid-40's, and one of them would phone you back within ten minutes of you placing your order.

I want to talk to an l8-year old.

Fine, what credit card will you be using?

Yah need a credit card for this?

Yes, it's payable by credit card ONLY. Do you have one?

No.

I didn't figure he did. I'm sorry, sir, we can't accept you. And a nice clean hang-up. Why waste any more time when they can't benefit the company's coffers?

* * * * *

Yeah, it's Reg Linkletter. Is Veronica working?

Finally! A regular customer! Maybe I'm finally going to place an order. I glance quickly at the roster. Oh, no! Veronica isn't on right now. I'm working the 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. shift and she doesn't sign on until 11 p.m. I'm sorry, Reg, she doesn't start work for another…uh…seven hours or so. Did you want to speak to one of the other girls?

Do you have any other dominant mistresses on?

Yikes. I can see we have Lilly, Shawna and Tiffany on. I know nothing about these girls except their phone numbers. One moment, Reg, I say and put him on hold. I have to think this through. I decide to pull his card out of the files, only to find he's never spoken to the mates on board. I take a chance and release the hold button. Hello, Reg?

I'm still here.

Would you like to speak to Shawna?

How old is she?

Sure, make my life difficult. I glance at his card in desperation and see that every girl he talks to is in her early twenties. Shawna? She's 21.

21? That's great. Can you have her call me? And tell her that I'll be wearing a diaper.

I blanch a little but proceed with the call. Everything works out with his Visa card and I am able to place the order. I call up Shawna.

Hi, Shawna?

Well, really, it's Linda, a husky voice answers. You're new, right?

Yeah. You're my first order.

Who is it?

You've never spoken to him before. His name's Reg, and you're supposed to be 21.

Close enough. I'm 23. What's his number?

I gave it to her and then had to add the other detail. Shaw…uh, Linda, you have to be a dominant mistress. Is that OK?

Sure, she responded agreeably enough. I can do anything.

He said…he said he's going to be wearing diapers. I felt so embarrassed relaying this information.

No problem. I'll call you when I'm done. Hey, what's your name?

I almost wanted to give a fake name too, but since we were going to be working together, I spilled the truth. Jessie.

* * * * *

Great - the phone hasn't rung in half an hour and suddenly two lines are ringing at once. Some poor sucker is going to have to wait. Hello, can you hold, please? I ask the first caller.

I'm already holding something, comes the reply. Yeah, he can safely be put on hold.

I take the second call. Hi, can I help you?

Is this the phone sex line?

Yes, it is.

OK. Start.

I'm a little startled. Excuse me?

Start. Aren't you supposed to be moaning and squealing or something?

I'm insulted but deal with it with professional aplomb. I'm the operator, sir. I pass your order on to one of the phone-mates.

Oh, so that's how it works. OK, so do it. He hasn't changed the tone of his voice one bit since I first spoke to him.

Do what? I ask.

Pass me onto one of the girls.

Do you have a credit card?

Never mind that shit.

Never mid this CALL, I say, pissed off, and hanging up. I'm instantly worried about what I've done. The boss has warned me that every call is monitored. I suspect they want to assess my ability on the job and perhaps I was a little too harsh on the guy. Ooops! I forgot the other guy; the one on hold.

Thank you for holding! Can I help you? I ask a little breathlessly.

It's too late. I already came, comes the dejected reply. With a sick feeling, I hang up.

* * * * *

Hi, Jessie? It's Linda. Linda/Shawna?

Hi.

Just calling to let you know I'm done with Reg, Linda said briskly. Anything else?

Not at the moment, I say a little dejectedly. Sorry.

Well, it's nothing new, Linda said. It's still early. Everyone's still having supper. Somehow I can't picture the callers as doing such humanly functions as eating. I'm getting a much-too-early vision of these customers as horny, perverted creeps who sit around masturbating over porno magazines. Our company, quite a top-notch quality service actually, appears in almost every sex magazine on the market.

So I can expect it to get busier? I ask hopefully.

Oh, yeah, especially around 9:30, Linda replied. But you should see the night-time! That's where the money is. I might stay on until 2 or 3 tonight. I'm startled; does that mean she actually wants to speak to these guys?

I glanced at her schedule. That'll make for a long day for you, won't it? Twelve hours if you stay on until three in the morning.

Well, it's not a very strenuous job, Linda laughed. I've been working over three hours and I've only done one call. Meanwhile, I laid on the couch and watched Fatal Attraction on DVD. Have you seen it?

Yeah, years ago.

Didn't you just love it? Linda asked.

I did enjoy it, but I didn't want to get into a critique of the film. The big boss also warned me against carrying on conversations with the phone-mates. That was strictly frowned upon as frivolous wasted time. Yeah, it was excellent, I quickly tell her. I gotta go. I'll call you if anything comes up.

Something is always coming up! Linda giggled. I immediately regret my choice of words.

* * * * *

Hello, can I help you?

This is the AT&T operator, a woman's voice announced. You have a collect call. Caller, your name?

Frankie, came a sad, pathetic voice.

From Frankie at a correctional institution, the AT&T lady continued. Do you accept the charges?

Another rule around here: Do Not Accept Collect Calls. I'm a little awed that a prison inmate (I assume) would be placing a call for phone sex. Does he think he can have such rights? It would be impossible for him to speak to one of the girls. For one thing, a stipulation to placing an order is that the phone must listed in your own last name. I'm sorry, we don't accept collect calls, I tell Ms. AT&T and hang up.

Not a minute later the phone rings again. This is the AT&T operator. You have a collect call. Caller, your name?

Frankie, says the depressed voice. I can't believe he's trying again but man, does he sound desperate! I wonder how long he's been incarcerated.

From Frankie at a correctional institute. Do you accept?

I'm sorry, operator, I sadly say. I do feel sorry for Frankie. We don't accept collect calls.

I hang up and look around the office, wondering what to do. I've already entered the one call I've placed in the ledger and made out the solitary Visa card credit slip. For the first day on the job, I wish I could look busier. I notice there's quite a well-stocked magazine rack in the office, The phone rings again and I hope it's business.

This is the AT&T operator, I hear for the third time in a row. You have a collect call. Caller, your name?

If it's Frankie, then I'm going to be pissed off. I was nice to him last time but now he's pushing his luck. I waited for that downtrodden voice. Frankie, came the reply.

Operator, I said sternly. Please tell Frankie we DO NOT accept collect calls.

Thank you anyways, Frankie said and hung up. Now how did he do that? How did he manage to make me feel guilty?

* * * * *

I finally got a call that went fine from start to finish. The guy's phone number was verified with the Las Vegas, Nevada operator and Visa authorized his charge. And to top it off, he wasn't breathing heavy when he called. I looked at my phone-mate schedule and decide to pass this call on to Tiffany

Hello? a young girl answered. I was taken aback.

H….hello? I stuttered. Did I get the right number?

Is this Debbie? the young lass asked personably. This is Grace.

I looked again at the schedule. Yes, I was trying to reach Grace/Tiffany so I probably had the right number. Uh…hi, this is Jessie.

Jessie? she asked. What happened to Debbie?

Who is Debbie? I asked her back.

She was the girl who worked the 3 to ll. shift, Grace/Tiffany informed me.

Rule #47 in this place: Never give out any information to the phone-mates other than what they need to know about phoning the customer. Now, I had heard this Debbie girl had a major burn-out and quit but I couldn't relate that to Grace. I don't think she's working for the company anymore, I said. Anyhow, I have a call for you.

'Bout time, Grace huffed.

Uh, Grace, I hesitated, are you old enough to be doing this kind of work? I mean, don't you have to be at least 18?

Grace tittered. I'm over 18. Why? How old do I sound?

About 14, I admitted.

Really? I'm almost 30! she giggled some more. But I guess you know not to pass me the over-22 calls, huh?

Actually, I didn't know. The boss just plunked me into the chair, told me to go to work, and left. What could I do? Phone up all the phone-mates and say, Hi, I'm new. So tell me a little about yourself. Are you dominant? Can you BE dominant? No, I think it would have to be played by ear. I got back to Grace. I'll remember that, I said. I got a new caller. His name is Lance and he didn't have an age preference. I gave her his number.

So no preference at all? Grace/Tiffany asked in that irritating child's voice.

Well, he said he wants someone sympathetic.

* * * * *

Suddenly it's become busier. I have a customer on hold and am dealing with someone else. This guy has me suspicious. The charge is $55, payable by major credit card….

Aaah….ah…Yes?

I continued. That's for up to thirty minutes of unrestricted conversation….

Aah….oh…oh….thirty minutes?

Yes, I say, wondering just what the hell he's up to. Would you like to place an order?

Mmm…oh…Yes, I would…mm…

What credit card will you be using, sir?

My…unh, unh….my MasterCard, he replied.

The call, regardless of the sound effects, seemed to be going well enough. Your MasterCard number? I asked.

A…Ah…can you hang on? I have to get it out of my wallet, the client said a little too breathlessly for my liking.

Can you hold for just a moment? I asked. I wanted to check in with the guy on hold. I discovered he'd hung up so I went back to the guy I was already doing business with. Hello, do you have your MasterCard number ready?

Just a minute, he said. Now I KNOW he was starting to breath a lot heavier. I was also hearing a weird noise in the background. It literally sounded like someone was pounding meat. I gave him a few more seconds.

Do you have your credit card number, sir? I asked a little stronger.

Do you like it up the ass, bitch? he asked just as strongly. CLICK! He got a quick hang-up. I wish I'd known he was just pulling my string…I mean wasting my time. Why didn't I just hang up sooner when I correctly suspected he was masturbating as he talked to me. Rule #1 of the office states though: Go to all extents to get the call. Thank goodness for the addendum; If the customer does not sound legitimate, hang up immediately. I don't know if he had the right to ask me what he did, but no-one is going to get away with calling me a bitch.

* * * * *

After fielding six hang-ups and three people who didn't care for our rates, I finally get a friendly caller. Hi! This is Jerry Pollito, from Alberta! I'm a regular of your's.

Hi, Jerry, how can I help you?

Is Cindy on yet? he hopefully asked.

I checked the schedule. Cindy wasn't scheduled to begin until ll. Sorry, she's not on yet. Would you like to speak to someone else?

Well, I don't know now, he sort of drawled. Cindy is pretty good. I talked to her for an hour last night.

We have other ladies available who are just as good, I said, wondering if I spoke the truth. Or you can wait until 11, when Cindy signs on.

I don't know about that…Time is of the essence, if you know what I mean, he said and laughed. It was kind of funny and I laughed along with him. Listen, why don't I let you pick for me? he asked agreeably.

How about Lilli? I suggested. She had yet to get a call tonight.

Lilli? That's a lovely name. Sure, I'll speak to her, Jerry agreed.

And the number to reach you at? I asked. Jerry told me and I said he'd have a call shortly.

By the way, I don't recognize your voice. Are you new? he asked.

Yes, I just started today, I responded.

Well, my name's Jerry Pollito…but I guess you know that by now! He laughed some more. Jerry seemed to be quite a nice, jolly fellow. You'll be talking to me alot; I use the service about five times a week.

Wowww, I couldn't help but say.

Yeah, it gets expensive but you guys are the best, Jerry complimented the company.

Thank you.

And what's your name? he asked gently.

Jes…Jessie. What the hell. He seemed awfully nice.

Well, Jessie, you have yourself a nice night. I'll be talking to you real soon, Jerry said.

OK, thank you, Jerry, I said very pleasantly. Enjoy your call! I added. I was trying to