Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse: A Sensitive Biblical Guide for Counselors, Victims, and Families

     HELPING

VICTIMS OF

     SEXUAL

ABUSE

     HELPING

VICTIMS OF

     SEXUAL

ABUSE

LYNN HEITRITTER

& JEANETTE VOUGHT

Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse

Copyright © 1989, 2006

Lynn Heitritter and Jeanette Vought

Revised by Lynn Heitritter in 2006.

Cover design by Eric Walljasper

All scripture quotations not marked otherwise in this publication are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright © 1973, 1978, International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

Scripture quotations identified RSV are from the Revised Standard Version of the Bible. Copyright 1946, 1952, 1971 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of Churches of Christ in the USA. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations identified KJV are from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture quotations identified NKJV are from the New King James Version of the Bible. Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission.

All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations identified NRSV are from the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of Churches of Christ in the U.S.A. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations identified TLB are from The Living Bible © 1971 owned by assignment by Illinois Regional Bank N.A. (as trustee). Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations identified The Message are from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a

retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic,

mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without the prior written

permission of the publisher and copyright owners.

Published by Bethany House Publishers

11400 Hampshire Avenue South

Bloomington, Minnesota 55438

Bethany House Publishers is a division of

Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN-13: 978-0-7642-0228-5

ISBN-10: 0-7642-0228-6

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Heitritter, Lynn.

     Helping victims of sexual abuse : a sensitive biblical guide for counselors, victims, and families / Lynn Heitritter and Jeanette Vought. — Updated ed.

        p. cm.

Summary: Includes documentation of abuse of children and adults and the work of the support group BECOMERS in restoring victims to normal, productive lives through relationship with Christ. Covers nine steps to mental, emotional, and spiritual wholeness—Provided by publisher.

     Includes bibliographical references.

     ISBN 0-7642-0228-6 (pbk. : alk. paper)

     1. Sexually abused children—Pastoral counseling of. 2. Adult child sexual abuse victims—Pastoral counseling of. I. Vought, Jeanette. II. Title.

     BV4464.3.H44 2006

     261.8'3272—dc22                                                                       2006008824

We wish to acknowledge our families

for their unfailing support,

encouragement, and prayer

during the preparation of this work.

We thank you and we love you.

We wish to dedicate this book

to the courageous women and men

who have fought the good fight into recovery

and shared their lives with us

so that together we might encourage others

to come out of the darkness into the Light.

About the Authors

LYNN HEITRITTER, RN, PhD, has been a faculty associate in Marriage and Family Studies at Bethel Theological Seminary and was the founder and former director of BECOMERS Sexual Abuse Support Group Program. Together with her family, she has provided licensed foster care to physically and sexually abused adolescents. For nearly a decade she promoted strategies for abuse prevention through family wellness workshops and seminars to equip clergy and laypersons in acquiring skills needed to break cycles of shame in families and churches. She and her husband spend much of the year in Africa, currently serving with The Love of Christ Ministries, a South African orphanage that cares for babies abandoned due to HIV/AIDS. She and her husband maintain a home in Minnesota and have two adult daughters.

JEANETTE VOUGHT, PhD, LP, is the executive director and founder of Christian Recovery Center in Minneapolis. She is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, a licensed social worker, and a certified criminal justice specialist. Former president of the Minnesota chapter of the North American Christians in Social Work national board, Vought has extensive experience in counseling sexual abuse victims (including child, adolescent, and adult) as well as sexual abuse offenders; she has extensive experience in conducting BECOMERS sexual abuse workshops and group leaders training sessions, and she has several years’ experience in the field of social work and group home coordinating. For ten years she conducted in-prison inmate seminars as a volunteer for Prison Fellowship. She and her husband have four grown sons and make their home in Minnesota. Vought has also written the book Post-Abortion Trauma, Nine Steps to Recovery. Anyone wishing to contact the authors to schedule training seminars and workshops, to request BECOMERS start-up packets or additional resources, or for assistance in developing a local BECOMERS group, may contact them at the following address:

BECOMERS

Christian Recovery Center

6120 Earle Brown Drive, Suite 200

Brooklyn Center, MN 55430

(763) 566-0088

www.christianrecoverycenter.org

To Our Readers

Sexual abuse is not only prevalent in society at large but is occurring within the church as well. Sixteen years ago we began the introduction to the first edition of this book by stating that we recognized a need to inform the church about sexual abuse. As well, we wanted to provide specific materials that would enable people within the church to develop effective ministry to adults who had experienced sexual abuse as children. Over the years, while many have been helped, many continue to bear scars of childhood abuse and desperately struggle with hidden trauma that interferes with spiritual growth and relationships with others. The revised edition builds on our earlier vision of equipping members of the body of Christ to promote healing and restoration of women and men who have been victims of sexual abuse.

Our purpose is fourfold. First, we hope to provide Christian counselors, clergy, support group leaders, and those involved in ministries of care with increased understanding of the experience of childhood sexual abuse victims and to provide resources that can be used as tools in the recovery process of adult survivors and those who love them. Second, we want to help adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse to identify areas of damage resulting from sexual abuse, to feel strengthened as they participate in their individual journeys of recovery, and to be encouraged that many adult survivors have experienced restoration and are living satisfying and successful lives. Third, we wish to help friends, relatives, and spouses in their efforts to be supportive to loved ones who have been victims of sexual abuse. Fourth, we offer current perspectives about ministry to adult survivors of sexual abuse over the past two decades.

The book is divided into five sections, each with a particular focus.

Section One acquaints the reader with sexual abuse as seen through the eyes of children, including life histories of adult survivors sharing some of the trauma of their childhood experiences. Special attention is given to the effects of abuse from childhood, through adolescence, and into adulthood. This section describes physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual damage of sexual abuse.

Section Two gives an overview of sexual abuse within the family, with guidelines for intervention in incest within families.

Section Three offers insight into some of the spiritual and psychological influences affecting sexual abuse offenders. A description of different types of offenders is presented with treatment issues that need to be addressed.

Section Four presents the BECOMERS Sexual Abuse support group recovery program, including teaching materials, illustrations, and individual homework exercises.

Section Five offers a reflection of Second Thoughts from the authors. Nearly two decades ago, we collaborated on research and preparation for writing Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse. At the present time, we write a new chapter from our individual perspectives to share with our readers ways in which God has shaped parallel ministry paths since the first edition of the book.

To the fullest extent of our knowledge, we have given credit to all the authors and other sources of materials that have been used in our research and writing. We appreciate each of these contributions to our work.

With the first edition of this book, we wrote to share our deep concern for adult victims who needed acknowledgment of the truth of their experience. Our continued prayer is that God might use this revised edition to empower the church to recognize, understand, offer hope of restoration, promote healing, and, ultimately prevent child sexual abuse.

Contents

Section One: Understanding Abused Children

1. Messages

2. Through the Eyes of Child Victims

3. Indicators of Sexual Abuse: Telling Without Telling

4. Spiritual Damage

Section Two: Understanding Sexual Abuse in the Family

5. Incest: The Ultimate Betrayal

Section Three: Understanding Sexual Abuse Offenders

6. Sexual Abuse Offenders: Brethren, This Ought Not to Be

Section Four: Helping Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse

7. BECOMERS: An Introduction

8. Step One: Recognizing Powerlessness

9. Step Two: Acknowledging Victory in Christ

10. Step Three: Experiencing Freedom From Shame and Guilt

11. Step Four: Discovering Self-Identity

12. Step Five: Sharing Feelings

13. Step Six: Taking Responsibility for Change

14. Step Seven: Forgiving

15. Step Eight: Maturing in Relationship With God and Others

16. Step Nine: Ministering to Others

Section Five: Expanding Territories of Ministry

17. Second Thoughts

Conclusion

Suggested Resources

Bibliography

Endnotes

Section One

Understanding Abused Children

1

Messages . . .

They cry in the dark so you can’t see their tears

They hide in the light so you can’t see their fears.

Forgive and forget all the while . . .

Love and pain

Become one and the same

In the eyes of a wounded child. . . .1

We all receive messages in childhood that have an effect on our adult life, messages transmitted to us primarily through relationships with others. These early transmissions have a powerful influence on our concept of being loved, being valuable, and belonging. The messages received by children who are sexually abused can have a devastating impact on them.

We cannot know the actual number of children who are being impacted by destructive experiences of sexual abuse. However, in recent years, the number of reported cases of sexual abuse has risen faster than the number of reported cases of other forms of child abuse and neglect.2 Perhaps the clearest picture of the scope of childhood sexual abuse comes from national surveys in which 27 percent of women and 16 percent of men disclosed a childhood history of being sexually abused.3 Research suggests that only about 10–15 percent of incidents of sexual abuse are actually reported by child victims.45 Whatever estimates are cited, there is consensus that sexual abuse is vastly underreported. The following life histories are from adult survivors who have courageously spoken out about their childhood sexual abuse. Through their stories they offer a glimpse into some of the harmful messages transmitted to children who are sexually abused.

FATHER-DAUGHTER INCEST

Julie’s Messages

Grown-ups had told Julie that as a baby she was her father’s pride and joy—his little red-headed sweetheart. But while still a preschooler, she began to feel apprehensive in his presence. At the end of the day, he would pick her up and rub his bristly beard on her soft face and demand, How about a kiss for your dad who’s been working hard all day? As his burly strength trespassed the boundaries of her uneasiness, she began to hear a nonverbal message: His feelings are more important than mine.

Vague uneasiness grew into fear as Julie and her brother experienced their father’s unpredictable and explosive anger. Her mother’s form of discipline was the continual threat, You just wait till your father gets home! Beatings with a belt left bloody stripes on her frail body. Over time, having to lie at school about facial bruises and black eyes was enough to eventually convince Julie: I am worthless and unlovable.

She cowered in her room one night, writhing in emotional pain as she heard her brother screaming during a beating. Frozen in fear, she raged with hate for her father—yet he was her security. Julie knew children were supposed to love their parents, and also that she was completely dependent on them. She eventually turned her choking hatred for her father against herself, which translated into an indelible message of self-reproach: I am bad because I hate my father.

One evening just before her mother went out, she asked nine-year-old Julie to shower before going to bed. About half an hour later, her father sent her brother to bed and suggested that because he, too, needed to take a shower, they should shower together to save water. Feeling acutely embarrassed, Julie replied she’d rather shower alone. Her father’s suggestion soon became a command, and he pulled her into the bathroom. Her stomach knotted with fear and her heart pounded furiously as he ordered her to undress.

He explained how stupid she was for feeling embarrassed. After all, she was his little girl. He had changed her diapers and had seen her undressed for years; in fact, until she died he would have that right! Julie wished she could crawl into the wall to escape his prying eyes.

Then he approached her in an unusually nurturing way and began to fondle her as he explained where babies come from. He seemed to be actually caring for her!

A surge of conflicting feelings erupted all at once. Her experience of some physical pleasure and this newfound closeness with her father clashed violently with the disgust, shame, and fear at what was happening to her. She felt dizzy.

When she passed out from the intensity of the physical and emotional distress, a new message began taking root that would shape her life with devastating effect: Bad love is better than no love at all.

Julie’s experience is not unusual. Though incest was once thought to be rare, recent estimates of incestuous experience run as high as 10–20 percent in the general population.6 Children seem to be most at risk of family incest between the ages of seven and thirteen years old. It is important to note that in the eyes of children, a sexually abusive relationship with an offender who is an ongoing caregiver, such as a foster parent, stepparent, or live-in nanny, might also reflect dynamics of family incest even though such a relationship might not be considered family in legal definitions related to incest in families.7 While accurate statistics on incest are impossible to compile due to the many undisclosed cases, the problem is much more prevalent than most of us would care to admit.

In addition, Julie’s father was not some sort of easily identifiable pervert. Like many men who abuse their children, he was a well-respected, wealthy member of his community and, in this case, a deacon in his church as well. The church must not ignore the reality that sexual abuse exists within church families.

CLOSE ACQUAINTANCE MOLESTATION

Laurie’s Messages

Laurie’s parents divorced when she was nine. Laurie’s father had no further contact with the family. Her mother became depressed. Grieved and hurt over the divorce, Laurie’s mother became emotionally unavailable to Laurie and her siblings. Laurie had a sense that she was not to have conversations with her mother about any of her feelings, especially about the loss of both parents in different ways. Over time, Laurie perceived this lack of connection meant that neither her mother nor father cared about her. She concluded: If people I care about reject me, then I must be unlovable.

To fill this empty place, Laurie started spending more time away from home with a new friend, a thirty-nine-year-old man named Joe. He worked with cars just as Laurie’s father had. Joe’s companionship brought back memories of the few special times she had enjoyed with her father at his auto body shop.

Joe became a father figure to Laurie. He took her everywhere with him, bought her gifts, and gave her anything she wanted. It all seemed too good to be true. He told her she was his girl and that their relationship would always be special. She gladly gave him the hugs he asked for and enjoyed being cuddled on his lap. For the first time she could remember, she felt loved and cared for.

She spent more and more time at Joe’s home; it became her favorite place to be. One afternoon, however, while she was sitting on Joe’s lap as they watched TV, he started fondling her. She became uneasy and scared. She wanted to be loved, to be special to someone, to have nice things like the other girls had, but something was going wrong. Joe was her special friend, but his touching didn’t feel good. She tried to move away from him, but his grip remained firm.

As he continued, confusion overwhelmed her. He had been so good to her and had given her so many gifts. He said he loved her, in spite of the fact that she had concluded she was unlovable.

Surely he wouldn’t do anything bad; there must be something wrong with her. At the age of nine, Laurie had become convinced that she was so worthless that she should let others decide what was best for her, even if she didn’t like it. A silent message of disregard for herself began to set in: I should depend on others because they are wiser and stronger than I am.

This was the beginning of Laurie’s nightmare of sexual abuse.

Though she was fearful and confused, her desperate need for love drove her deeper into dependence upon Joe. She continued going to his house, even though his actions became increasingly bizarre.

She felt like two persons—one willingly participating in the abuse, the other filled with shame and fear. It seemed as if she were standing outside of herself watching this happen to someone else.

Gradually, over time, Joe led her into all kinds of sexual perversion, eventually making her view pornography, destroying the last remnants of her childhood innocence. Hating who she was and what had happened to her, she turned away from God and her family, drinking to numb the gnawing pain within and using drugs to forget the terrible things that had happened. Finally, at age thirteen, Laurie could take no more. She ran away from home. Alone, frightened, deeply wounded, and chemically dependent, she began working the streets of Minneapolis as a prostitute. It had become the only way she knew how to take care of herself and try to be loved.

Abuse situations like Laurie’s are all too prevalent, with very destructive results. In the United States, the average age of girls entering prostitution is thirteen to fourteen years old, with 60–90 percent of juvenile prostitutes reporting a history of childhood sexual abuse, particularly incest.8 One woman’s metaphor for the connection of sexual abuse to prostitution is that incest is boot camp for prostitution.9 Even though Joe was not Laurie’s biological father, he was a father figure in her life and, as such, the abusive relationship was in many ways equivalent to father-daughter incest. Another facet of Laurie’s experience was Joe’s use of pornography in the progression of escalating abuse. In one study, 50– 80 percent of recovering prostitutes reported that pornography played a significant role in teaching them what was expected of them as prostitutes.10 While Laurie’s story may seem like an extreme case, the progression from sexual abuse to prostitution is tragically familiar. Even in cases where abuse victims do not engage in prostitution, many still end up prostituting themselves by trading their bodies in exchange for someone to care about them.

Nearly 50 percent of violent crime rape victims are under eighteen, with 15 percent of rape victims being children younger than twelve.11 However, in Laurie’s case, as in countless others, her offender did not use physical force to initiate sexual abuse. Instead, offenders, such as Joe, manipulate children over time with premeditated grooming behaviors, such as gifts and affection, to build a trusting relationship with the intentional goal of sexually exploiting them.12 A recurring theme from stories such as Laurie’s is that most such cases are never reported because child victims feel guilty, ashamed, and are deeply fearful of rejection and abandonment.

PEDOPHILE ABUSE

Jim’s Messages

When Jim’s father died, Jim was two months old, the youngest of three children. His mother soon began to work full time, and from about age two, Jim was cared for by a series of baby-sitters.

The sudden shift from a consistently nurturing relationship with his mother, coupled with the loss of his father, created a home situation where Jim developed increasing feelings of insecurity and emptiness.

Jim’s older brother responded to the family’s losses with rebellious behavior. Jim thought his brother was causing his mother to have even more problems. Jim resented the amount of attention his older brother received because of his misbehavior, and yet he continued striving to be the good boy he thought his mother wanted.

A message of conditional approval was forming within Jim: If I am good, I will be loved. Jim felt his duty in the family was to try to make his mother’s life easier, and, without really realizing it, he began setting aside his own feelings to try to take care of hers. A powerful message of over-responsibility was taking root: I am responsible to take care of the behavior and feelings of those around me.

When Jim was eleven, his mother married a university professor, a charming and handsome man with a PhD in psychology.

Soon after their marriage, the couple began to argue frequently, and Jim had difficulty trusting this stranger who had become his father. Jim was already sensitized to take responsibility for the way those around him felt, but another message began building on that foundation: I am responsible to bring about change when I see it is needed. He reasoned that if he could be extra good, he could stop the arguing between his mother and stepfather and they would all be happy. He decided to try harder to get along with his stepfather.

Jim’s stepfather liked to hunt and fish. He began spending a great deal of time with Jim, seeming to show genuine care. On camping trips, Jim’s stepfather encouraged the seeds of insecurity to grow within Jim by suggesting that Jim’s mother was the cause of all the problems in the marriage and that his mother did not truly care for either him or Jim. When Jim’s mother would discipline Jim, his stepfather would use the incident to prove to Jim that his mother did not understand or love him.

At the same time that his stepfather was sabotaging the relationships between Jim, his mother, and his brothers, he behaved like a buddy to Jim. His stepfather painted a picture of himself as a poor, beleaguered man whom Jim should feel sorry for. As a sensitive young boy, Jim had long since incorporated a belief that: If someone does not approve of me, that means I am not worthwhile.

Sensing a lack of approval and love from his mother, Jim felt alone and rejected and began to withdraw from her.

Feeling alienated from his mother and family, Jim tried to put up a defensive wall between himself and others based on a new message: I should try to be independent and protect myself because others are untrustworthy. However, in spite of his resolve not to trust anyone, Jim proved no match for the insidious dependence fostered by his stepfather, who had positioned himself to be Jim’s only source of care and acceptance. The groundwork had been laid. It was a very short step from the exploitation of Jim’s tenderhearted innocence to sexual exploitation.

During a particularly difficult time of conflict between his parents, Jim’s stepfather was sobbing, telling Jim he might have to leave the home. He threw himself against eleven-year-old Jim, weeping and embracing him. Jim felt sorry for his stepfather and tried his best to comfort him. In the next few days, the hugging became more frequent and more sustained, until his stepfather began kissing him. Acutely embarrassed and ashamed, Jim felt this was wrong. He was deeply confused but had no one to talk to.

When they went hunting together and had to sleep in the same tent, Jim awoke to overt sexual advances by his stepfather. The relationship with his stepfather was the only significant relationship Jim felt he had in his life, but it was growing into something dirty and scary. Jim felt a suffocating oppression, as if he was being absorbed by his stepfather, losing his identity. He couldn’t bring himself to talk about it. He was certain that no one would believe him even if he did tell, and he was sure everyone would think he was a total jerk. Jim experienced great shame and an ominous sense of guilt, feeling as he imagined a woman would feel who had been raped. He had a sense of being destroyed, used up, with no place to hide.

What happened to Jim happens to thousands of young boys in the United States each year. Researchers suggest that one in six boys will be assaulted by age sixteen.1314 However, even though the sexual abuse of boys is common, it is underreported, under-recognized and under-treated.15 In Jim’s case, he was deeply confused about what it meant to be a man. He tried to forget the abuse, wanting to protect his family from further disruption. Jim maintained his silence about his stepfather’s abuse until his adult years, as do about 20 percent of boys who are sexually abused. In national surveys, about one-third of male victims reported that they had never disclosed their abuse to anyone.16 Jim’s stepfather was a pedophile—that is, an adult sexually attracted specifically to children. Pedophiles often prey upon young children lacking a father figure. Young boys (and girls) deeply needing male attention and love will often feel a deep sense of loyalty toward this type of offender