Better Single Than Sorry: A No-Regrets Guide to Loving Yourself and Never Settling

Introduction

It’s time for women to start telling the world—and each other—why it’s better to be single than sorry. Yes, it’s great to have a boyfriend or a husband, and I’m not suggesting we give up the idea of happily ever after, but I don’t believe in settling. There is nothing foolish about wanting to meet a man who gives us that certain feeling in our stomachs—and especially our hearts. We need to stop wasting time dating men we’re not completely into just because it makes life easier: no more questions about being single; no more feeling like a third wheel when we’re out with couples. We need to stand up to people who think that being single is a curse, or who label us too picky because we don’t fall in love with every guy we meet. The truth is, we know what we’re looking for and we must never sell ourselves short.

It’s no easy task, believe me. Some people seem to dislike me because I’m single. What’s worse, they ridicule me because I chose to be this way. In 2003, after a stint on ABC’s reality series The Bachelor, I broke off an engagement to one of the country’s most eligible bachelors. Two years later, as the star of The Bachelorette, I rejected two men who apparently thought I was The One. I was criticized for my decisions. She wants to be alone? people asked in amazement. Without a man? The horror! Could there be anything worse? At only 28, I was labeled a spinster by Star magazine; Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View remarked that I would be a bachelorette for the rest of my life. A bit dramatic, I know, but I guess I should have expected it, considering the message women hear every day: You’re not okay if you’re not in a relationship.

When I was growing up, I never imagined I’d still be single at age 30. I also never thought that in a period of only two years, I would have been engaged once and turned down two other proposals. I’m not crazy, and I don’t have outrageous expectations. I’m not antimen or antimarriage in the least. In fact, I want more than anything to meet a wonderful man and walk down the aisle with him. It’s just that I won’t do it with someone who is wrong for me.

HOW I GOT HERE

The reason why shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are created is because people want to fall in love and get married. I applied to be on The Bachelor on a dare, but I wouldn’t have agreed to do it if I wasn’t exhausted by the dating scene and ready to find my special someone. As we all know, the problem isn’t meeting men, it’s meeting the right man. According to TopDatingTips.com, 68 percent of people find it impossible or difficult to find someone they really like. If only we could snap our fingers and suddenly our ideal man would appear.

Basically, that’s what the show was doing for me: They found a fun, well-bred, good-looking, marriage-minded man with no criminal background and a clean bill of health (mental and physical). All I had to do was fall in love. On national TV. In six weeks. And compete with twenty-four others vying for the Bachelor’s affection. It certainly seemed like a long shot, but I figured I had nothing to lose. People have met their mate under stranger circumstances.

I never imagined that a few months later I would be accepting an engagement ring from the Bachelor, Andrew Firestone. He was exactly the kind of guy women go wild for: handsome, charming, and—as if the name didn’t give it away—an heir to a massive fortune. Women looked up to me as if I had found the male version of the Holy Grail. Strangers approached me for my autograph and dating advice. I was a guest on Oprah. The hopes of millions of viewers were riding on my happiness.

Though we never discussed actual wedding plans, Andrew and I knew that we at least wanted to give the relationship a shot. To do so, I had to leave my life, friends, and job in Chicago—a city I loved—and move to San Francisco. Instead of questioning my impulsiveness, people cheered on my sacrifice. After all, we’ve been brought up to think being in a relationship is the most important thing in the world. Why would I let this perfect guy get away?

Six months later, I had an answer: He wasn’t perfect for me. We were too different. I bent over backward to fit into his life, but I wasn’t getting what I needed from the relationship. I was putting so much pressure on myself to make it work, but at the same time, I yearned to be with someone who simply got me. Andrew wasn’t satisfied, either, so we mutually agreed to split. I knew I was giving up some ideal life, but I had no choice if I wanted to be happy.

Naturally, when I headed back to Chicago, people automatically assumed Andrew must have dumped me. After all, it seemed only a fool would break up with such a catch. My reputation quickly shifted from suspected gold digger to certifiable lunatic. Some women thought I was crazy to give up a fairy-tale life (their idea, not mine). They wondered how I thought I was going to do any better than Andrew.

The Bachelor producers had a solution. A few weeks after the breakup, they called me to invite me to star in the upcoming season of The Bachelorette. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like the thing to do. The show did work for me the first time, even if the results didn’t last forever. Of course, my decision was spurred on by the fact that I was somewhat scared that I would never meet anyone again. I hate to admit it, but at that time in my life, I was feeling a bit desperate. That is never a good time to make a decision about love.

I went on the show and managed to narrow my field of twenty-five down to two men: Jerry and John Paul. They were seemingly perfect, but I wasn’t feeling any real sparks with either one. If I had been dating these men in the real world, I would have stopped seeing them as soon as I felt the relationship wasn’t working. (That would probably mean not returning a phone call. At least now, after rejecting all twenty-five men on the show, I’ve become an expert on other ways to let a guy down easily.) But because of the nature of the series, I had to date them until the end.

At the final rose ceremony, I turned down John Paul’s proposal and said good-bye. Instead of flat out rejecting Jerry’s proposal, I decided we should at least try dating until the finale aired three months later; at that point, I’d give him an answer. I figured I’d invested nearly a year in The Bachelorette—from signing the contract to handing out the final rose—so I had to give it a chance. Besides, the people around us made me feel like I was missing something about him. My instinct was telling me otherwise, but I was under so much pressure that I foolishly allowed myself to ignore it. I was too worried about regrets and didn’t want to think I’d wasted my time.

It was determined that I would answer his proposal on a live TV show the night the finale aired. That evening, when I broke the news that I didn’t think we should be together anymore, it didn’t sit well with Jerry…or much of the general public. I was the first person in nine seasons to leave the show unattached (only three out of eleven couples remain together), but what made my decision even more headline-worthy was the fact that I was rejecting common wisdom: I chose to be alone. I was immediately cast as coldhearted, a man hater, a wretched, callous person. The public treated me with so much scorn that you would have thought I had murdered someone.

How dare I actually wait to find the right person?

GREAT MINDS THINKING ALIKE

Despite the criticism, I knew I wasn’t alone. There have never been more single adult women in the United States than there are today. Although the average age of women when they walk down the aisle is 25, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2003, 23 percent of women ages 30 to 34 had never been married—that’s up from only 6 percent in 1970. For every person who pitied or vilified me, there were handfuls of others who said, I would have done the same thing. (Research by the National Marriage Project found that 94 percent of never-married singles agree that when you marry you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.) The people who supported me weren’t just my friends, either. These were woman from all over the country. They were unmarried, married, divorced, young, old—you name it. I realized if I pulled all of our voices together, we would be loud enough to change the way other people feel about being single. Women need to band together and stick up for one another, not encourage one another to sell out.

Throughout the book, you’re going to be hearing stories from and about a variety of women. Some of them (i.e., the desperate ones, or the ones who have settled) will be used as examples of how not to behave, but there are also a number who are happily living by the better single than sorry creed.

Let me introduce you to a few*:

Melissa, 27; single: She loves her independence and hates when people pity her single status. I figure every ended relationship just brings me that much closer to the one that will never end. Some days it’s painful, but dating is, if nothing else, an extremely amusing activity. I refuse to put my life on hold because I am single. I try to live life to the fullest, knowing that I’m becoming the person I want to pair with someone equally as fabulous, even if research says my eggs are starting to get anxious.

Andrea, 30; single: Her parents spend sleepless nights worrying why she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Once, I made the mistake of telling them I wasn’t interested in getting married until I was older and had my life in order, she says. You would have thought that I told them that I had just shot the waiter. I was immediately subjected to a long, torturous lecture about my pessimistic attitude. I looked around to the other diners, somehow hoping that somebody would intervene. Or adopt me. My parents will never change their attitude, but I’ll never date a guy just to get them off my back and subsequently make them happy. In fact, I actually like being single! It is a wonderful, liberating feeling to be so independent and not have to answer to anybody or for anybody.

Andrea is one of the sixteen million adults who have tried their luck with online dating. As much as I want to write it off, she says, I have several friends who met their significant others via the Internet—and they’re not freaks! If it worked for them, maybe, just maybe it could work for me, too.

Blair, 32; single: By now, almost all of her friends are married, and some are even on their second kids. She’s neither depressed nor desperate. Never in my life have I felt sorry for myself that I didn’t have a boyfriend, she tells me. I can’t pretend to like a guy, so the thought of being with someone because I just hated being single is so foreign.

Dawn, 38; single: Though she’s approaching 40 and has never been married, she remains optimistic. When I was younger, I thought I’d be married with a baby in my twenties, she says. When I hit my twenties, I certainly thought it would happen in my thirties. I started a business at 30, and once I grew into my life, something changed. I started reveling in the achievement, the friendships, and the freedom. It would be great to have a boyfriend and regular sex and be loved, but it’s only one facet of life. There’s so much more.

Valerie, 32; divorced: She’s eager to remarry and start a family, but remains cautious after an unfulfilling marriage. I think the hardest thing about being single is that I have all this love to give someone and I can’t, she says.

Ashley, 37; divorced: A family tragedy led her to reevaluate her marriage—and her relationship expectations. I settled for my husband because I wanted to be married and I thought he was a good catch—which he was, just not for me, she explains. At the time, I thought he was the best I could get. As I have gotten more confident and more experienced with age, I realize that I deserve so much more.

LIFE LESSONS

I refuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself (the majority of the time, anyway)—and I don’t think any other woman should, either. Dating can be frustrating. It can be exciting but discouraging. But there’s nothing worse than being in a bad relationship.

I know from experience how important it is for women to listen to their hearts. (Fifty-eight percent of men and women believe it’s more important to follow your heart than your head.) Just because someone else—your mother, a friend, a stranger—thinks a guy is right for you, it doesn’t make it true. And just because all of your friends are married, you don’t have to race to the altar. A happy ending can’t be forced: My friend Brad has been in eleven weddings, and nine of them have ended in divorce. There are no guarantees, but we can turn the odds in our favor.

This book should serve as a guide to living your romantic life with no regrets. It all begins with the belief that you are (to steal a phrase from Sex and the City) single and fabulous. So many women are desperate because they’re insecure. Our lives should be full with or without a man. We owe it to ourselves to be content. It’s important to be surrounded by people and things that make us feel good. Every day I remind myself that I’m a valuable human being who deserves to be happy. If we don’t have confidence, we can fall prey to the forces of evil—the people (often parents) and things (friends’ weddings) that tempt us to settle.

When it comes to dating, we need to trust our instincts from the first time we meet a guy. While we have to be open to men who don’t exactly personify our dream guy (or look like George Clooney), we also don’t have to date ones we don’t like. I know a lot of women make decisions based on the kiss test: If you can’t imagine wanting to smooch a guy, let him go. So what if he’s your friend’s brother? So what if you’re going to hear it from your mother? Nothing feels worse than forcing a romance, trust me.

We’re all so eager to fall in love that we make excuses for men because they’re handsome, rich, or just what our mothers ordered. Time and again, we sacrifice our own needs and our own happiness because we think a man will complete us. Instead, we need to be standing up for ourselves. We need to take responsibility for our own happiness. If a man won’t change, you either get over it or move on.

It takes a lot of heartache to figure out all of this, but we have to remember that even painful splits are worth it in the long run. They teach us so much about our own needs. They open our eyes to warning signs and give us the wisdom to not make the same mistake twice. I’ve been through so many breakups, and they all felt devastating. I would think, Alone again?! Maybe I’m doomed. But life does go on; the search is not over.

MY MOTIVATION

I’ve written this book in the name of wasted time and broken hearts…and hope. I’m still optimistic that I will meet someone. I want to be married and have a family more than anything in the world. I have moments when I panic and think it will never happen for me. We all get scared and feel desperate, but that’s when you need to pick yourself up and focus on what’s in your best interest. If marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment, it should be okay to take your time to find your perfect match. We just have to keep reminding ourselves, it’s better to be single than sorry.

Part One

Unwedded Bliss

Chapter One

Being Single Is Not a Curse

One night not too long ago, I came home from a night on the town with friends and had a major revelation. I was sitting on my couch watching TiVo’d Project Runway episodes, eating a bowl of Cheerios, wearing mismatched pajamas, and sporting a constellation of zit cream of my face. I didn’t have to call anyone. I wasn’t expecting a late-night visitor. I looked around and I thought, I’m all alone…and I love it!

Being single is not a curse. All of the time, I hear women saying, "I need a boyfriend. It’s the desperate woman’s mantra. When you utter these words, you might as well be saying, I’m really pathetic and nothing really matters in this world unless I have a boyfriend—a man in my life to save me from my wretched existence." Because really, not having a man is a fate worse than death, right? At least if you’re dead you don’t have to deal with everyone around you pairing off.

Wrong.

My life is filled with plenty of things that keep me happy and busy—yes, even without a man. I have a great apartment, a fun job that pays me enough so I can stock my closet with way too many pairs of jeans (hey…they are necessary), wonderful friends, and family. For me, it’s the only time in my life I won’t have to be accountable to anyone. I don’t have to worry about checking in with someone (or worry about what that someone is doing when they’re not with me). I’m not fighting with anyone over the remote—or anything else, for that matter—and I love that I don’t have to watch action flicks when I’d rather be watching Pretty Woman for the millionth time. I also love that I don’t have to keep up with shaving my legs or worry about what I look when I’m lounging around the house. If I gain a few pounds, I’m the only one who notices. Even better, if I