Sacred Wounds: Succeeding Because of Life's Pain

INTRODUCTION

THE LANGUAGE OF PAIN: Why Job Just Didn’t Get It

There is no coming to consciousness without pain.

–Carl Jung

They say there are only two things in life of which we can be certain–death and taxes. They are wrong.

There is a third. Its truth is intensely personal and at the same time universal: along the road of life we will–each and every one of us–encounter pain. If we are fortunate it will come and go softly, as in the passing of a loved one who has lived a long and productive life. For many of us, however, pain comes in the form of a difficult childhood, severed relationships, rejection in matters of the heart, physical challenges, personal failure, dismissal in the workplace, serious illness, or the traumatic death of those closest to us.

Pain, hardship, and struggle have been part of the human condition since our lovely orb of earth big-banged into existence. Whether the Garden of Eden is factual or poetic is not the issue here. In the cultural and religious consciousness of the Western world, we were booted out of Paradise and became hardwired to a tempest-tossed universe.

In Genesis, as a consequence of her disobeying a single admonition, the Almighty punishes Eve and, through her, all women, promising to greatly multiply your pain…. In case we miss the point, it is reiterated: In anguish shall you bring forth children. This little exchange, with its severe retribution for a seemingly minor infraction, has always struck me as less God the Father than simply the Godfather.

Now, men, we’ve got our own share of dire retribution: Cursed is the ground because of you is God’s offering to Adam and the testosterone-equipped generations to come; in toil shall you eat of it … thorns and thistles it shall bring forth to you….

Each time I’ve pondered this passage, the same disturbing question emerges: exactly why are we condemned with such harshness for eating from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil? After all, isn’t the quest for knowledge part of being human?

Maybe the dramatic and divine act of expulsion was simply an excuse. I have a strong suspicion that the idea beneath the story is that we weren’t meant to live in Paradise after all. We were meant for the real world, with all of its struggles.

The promise of pain at the very onset of human consciousness is not the sole province of the Western mind. It is a thread that can be detected in ancient cultures and religious traditions from around the world.

The Mayan creation story, the Popol Vuh, or Council Book, speaks of the Blood Gatherer, one of several sublords of Death whose purpose, from the moment of creation, is to afflict ordinary folks.

The Fulani of Mali in Africa have a creation myth in which Doondari finds that humankind is too proud and as a penalty inflicts its members with blindness and worry.

In Vedic Hinduism, humanity is seen as susceptible to forces that affect our health, wealth, and loved ones. It is understood that joy and suffering commingle. Early Hindus tried to appease the various gods and stave off suffering with rituals and offerings that eventually came to be understood as symbolic worship.

In the Mahaparanibbana sutra, Buddha is found in excruciating pain. In fact, while he is still the Hindu prince Siddhartha, his own anguish had inspired him to struggle with the riddle of life: Why is there so much suffering? His enlightenment brought about his metamorphosis into the Buddha, and still he experiences pain. The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism begin with the profound acknowledgment: All life is suffering.

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.

–Henry David Thoreau

Human suffering is so inherent and so mystifying that virtually all cultures and religions seek to explain, understand, even absorb into the religion itself this very basic and unchanging human condition: we will suffer. Even the foundations of modern psychology are built on the recognition that pain is a by-product of our existence in, and interaction with, the world. Each and every one of us, whether we take our cue from religion, cultural myth, or the local tarot reader, encounters difficult times and the anguish that accompanies them at some point in our lives. (Most of us, more than once.) It goes with the territory of living in our human skin, with hearts that can break, bodies that can fail, minds that can despair.

And yet, there is a silver lining, a gift if you will.

It’s there wrapped inside the darkness, waiting only for us to claim it and to build our lives with the beauty of its light. Before we can do so, we have to alter the lenses through which we see, feel, and act. We must come to the realization that life is not so much about attaining happiness as it is about finding meaning. And it is meaning that emerges from our inevitable wounds, and meaning that we can use to rebuild ourselves into beings capable of more. We hold the key to turning loss into meaning, meaning into power, and power into success.

THE MOST FAMOUS BAD LUCK TALE OF ALL TIME

Speaking of loss, let’s take just a moment to consider what is, for my money, the most famous bad luck tale of all time, the biblical epitome of faithfulness: God’s servant Job.

Job has everything: children in abundance, livestock aplenty, a loving spouse, a diverse portfolio, and loyalty and belief in his Creator by the bucketful. In fact, he’s what you might call the poster boy for faith. One fine day, God has justly taken notice of Job, and while in the company of Satan (from the Hebrew word sathane, defined as the opponent), God says:

Have you considered My servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, one who fears God and shuns evil?

But Satan scoffs at Job’s blamelessness, and suggests to God a nagging qualifier: it’s awfully easy to have a lot of faith when all your ducks are in a row. Why not try judging the man’s faithfulness when he’s not leading quite so charmed a life? God agrees that Satan has a point, and gives him permission to test Job’s faith:

One day when Job’s sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, a messenger came to Job and said, The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, and the Sabeans attacked and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!

While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, The fire of God fell from the sky and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!

While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!

While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!

(Job 1:13–19)

What does this virtuous man do as a result of his life having been turned inside out and wrong side up for no apparent reason? Does he threaten legal action? Does he picket the local shepherds’ union? Does he sell the rights to his story to expose the rewards of faith in God’s topsy-turvy world? Not on your life. Job simply gathers up his ashes, steps out into the street, and raises his fist in contempt. He doesn’t cry out at God, the God who possesses the power to protect him but who seems to have cut him loose. He doesn’t rail at the injustices of what has suddenly become a cruel and unfeeling universe. He takes all the pain, the anger, and the anguish … and turns it against himself.

Yes, Job laments the day he was born:

After this Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth.

And Job said: "Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night which said, ‘A man-child is conceived.’ Let that day be darkness! May God above not seek it, nor light shine upon it.

Job’s response to the loss of all he has and all he loves is to strike out at himself and his very existence, and he is nothing if not focused on the task:

Let the stars of its dawn be dark; let it hope for light, but have none, nor see the eyelids of the morning; because it did not shut the doors of my mother’s womb, nor hide trouble from my eyes. Why did I not die at birth, come forth from the womb and expire? Why did the knees receive me? Or why the breasts, that I should suck?

(Job 3:1–12)

In fact, what is most notable about Job is that when he finally does manage to meet up with the Almighty, who appears in a whirlwind, he folds like a deck of cards. Job doesn’t exercise his seemingly justifiable right to know what he has done to deserve such unfairness and suffering; in fact, he apologizes for questioning God’s decision to destroy him. And then, in a pièce de résistance of pain internalized, he utters the ultimate words of self-rejection: I despise myself.

It is this attack upon his own existence that gives me little use for Job as a role model of how to live life in all its challenging glory. In fact, I can’t think of anything less healthy or productive than his self-hating response. Job’s words and attitude are the same ones we hear and see in today’s blessing-filled but demanding world. In response to the pain life throws our way, many of us internalize misfortune and turn it back on ourselves in a self-punishing blitz.

In the wake of great suffering, it is not unusual to inflict guilt upon ourselves and feed our futures with the self-defeating cycles of self-blame. In fact, the word guilt comes from the Old English gylt, meaning delinquency. When someone carries an unending sense of their own delinquency around with them, there’s little chance of forward progress or growth. By playing the blame game, we similarly stunt our future. We allow self-blame and unresolved wounds to fossilize us in a moment from which we seem never able to escape. Such is the path of self-recrimination, of turning pain inward. Like Job’s attack upon his own existence, it is a profane response to a wound that has not evolved into a sacred source of empowerment.

We can do better. We can find meaning.

And we can use that meaning as fuel for personal triumph.

Job certainly could have done better for himself by allowing his wounds to generate self-esteem. He could have used that pain to recognize that blind faith alone does not guarantee happiness. He could have found in his suffering the affirmation that he is nobody’s puppet to be manipulated in some strange divine grudge match. He could have used his wounds to create the blessings of renewal necessary to begin again. But he didn’t get it. The choice of how to respond to his wounds was his to make. He chose self-punishment, turning the wound upon himself. We can learn from the poor choices of others how not to act. Job, for me, makes the all-time poor-choice Hall of Fame.

MASKING THE WOUND

We must, of course, begin by acknowledging the wound itself. This would appear to be a simple matter. After all, if someone we love chooses to leave us, we’re brokenhearted. If someone close to us dies, we’re bereft. We get laid off from work, we fear for economic security, not to mention the loss of self-esteem. Our wound is there for the entire world to see. Yet how often have we witnessed friends, relatives, and colleagues who have covered their wounds, as Jung would have it, with any number of masks?

The middle-aged, newly divorced woman, traded in for a younger model, hiding her broken heart and loss of pride behind the mask of the workaholic

The emotionally abused teenager who hides his lacerated spirit behind the facade of a perfectionist while secretly falling into the self-medication of alcohol or drugs

The adult who has known physical abuse as a child and now uses sexual promiscuity as a means of avoiding authentic human communication

The spouse of a mate who has suddenly passed away, who pretends at normalcy but, in truth, has simply shut down, withdrawing from life’s daily pulse

Those who use food, status, money, attention, clothes, and jobs to conceal their insecurities

Sound familiar?

WE EACH HAVE OUR STORY

My own wounds go back to a beautiful February morning that quickly became drained of light. At the age of thirty, I was suddenly faced with a divorce and the responsibility of assuming principal physical custody and primary care for my three young children–two daughters, ages eleven and nine, and a son, age six. In all fairness to my wife, and myself, we were married very young. There was a great deal of joy, but also the struggle of literally growing up, even as we took up the mantle of marriage and parenthood. After a decade, the relationship imploded. My wife said she needed to find her own way, and my life as a single father began.

A wounded deer leaps the highest.

–Emily Dickinson

I stood in my living room as if outside myself, while my wife explained to our children that she was leaving our home. I had known this day was coming ever since she told me of her decision two weeks before. I dreaded this moment, for the children, even as I was experiencing a lightning bolt to the heart from the loss of my marriage. Now I listened to the words that would unalterably change all of our lives.

My wife carefully told our kids how sorry she was, that she knew it was very difficult, but that she needed to leave. She assured them it would all work out all right; they would come for weekly overnights at the apartment she’d arranged. They would speak every day. I know she did her best to explain that life would go on, but information like this is, at best, overwhelming for an adult and even more so for a child.

The air shuddered. Even before her mother had finished her words, my middle child screamed out with a force that would rend the curtain of heaven. The bullet of sound pierced my heart as I witnessed what seemed to me the agony of innocence being torn from her life. My six-year-old son began a singsong babble, not quite comprehending what was happening, or perhaps comprehending all too well and using his own voice to soothe his growing distress. Finally, I focused on the face of my eldest, and my heart came to a complete stop. Her mouth was formed into a gaping wound, emitting absolutely no noise, a silent scream–loudest and most heartbreaking of my life. As I put my arms out to comfort my children (and no doubt myself as well), I could barely breathe for the pain stifling the room. I remember thinking: how in God’s name will we all survive? At that moment in my life I could have been Job’s brother, so total was my devastation.

Several days after my wife had left our home, I received an emergency phone call from my sister and flew back to Vermont to be with my father, who had been hospitalized. He had emphysema from many years of smoking, and his heart was giving out. As he lay dying in his hospital bed, he used some of his last words to give me direction.

You’re getting divorced, he whispered. It wasn’t a question. Without my having told a single member of my family, he knew.

Don’t lose the children, he warned, with a sudden alertness that shook me to the core. Never, I promised in hushed reply. Be there for them, he concluded. It was both a warning and a prayer.

I felt the tearing of my soul as everything came crashing down around me. And at the same time, I also knew what I must do: hold my children. Love them and myself. What I didn’t know then, what I couldn’t know, was how I would do this.

Thus, in the midst of trying to keep my head and the heads of my children above the proverbial waters, life opened the floodgates of suffering. My father died. Suddenly, the man who had always taught through his example how to live a life of love and creativity, who served as my parenting role model, whom I needed now more than ever, was gone.

After the funeral, I returned to my children. They were going through untold grief at the shattering of their family life and the loss of their beloved grandfather. A teacher called me one day to say that it was all simply too much for my children and that I needed to take time to be with them, even if it meant taking a leave from work.

And there was so much more.

Suddenly, I was responsible for every meal. There were doctors’ appointments and after-school team practices. Some days all three kids had to be in three different locations at once, while I had to be at the school where I taught or counseling a family in my role as a rabbi. Each night there were three different sets of homework going on as I scrambled from desk to floor to bed, depending on each child’s regimen. The mornings were a blur of showers, baths, assembly-line lunches, and fights over who would have the front seat next to Dad en route to school. There was a lot of corner-cutting; racing to the supermarket during my lunch break, cooking late into the night, freezing dinners a week ahead of time. Laundry day consisted of holding a large basket in the hallway between our bedrooms while the children threw clothes from every doorway. We all were coping together, even while our wounds were never far from our hearts and minds.

The toughest times were when the kids got sick; I ran from work to home and back again throughout the day, desperate for a sitter I could trust, crazed with anxiety over leaving a sick child home when I couldn’t find one, and finally giving up at work and racing home for good. I coped by taking it one day at a time. I remember the advice of a dear friend who counseled me that, no matter what, the children and I must sit down as a family each night for supper. This would remind the kids that we were still a family unit, and it would provide each of us with an opportunity to talk about our day so that we were all a part of one another’s experiences.

The worst times in the first few months weren’t when I was schlepping, buying, cleaning, and hustling between work and fatherhood. No. The worst times for me were when I was left alone. I made it a point to drive my kids the thirty round-trip miles to my ex-wife’s apartment twice a week because I knew, despite my anger and sense of betrayal, that the children needed their mother. My own mom, freshly widowed, constantly reminded me in our ongoing phone calls that I must refuse to allow my pain to get in the way of what was best for the children.

And so, early on, I would drop them off, kissing them and waving as they disappeared into the apartment complex with their little overnight bags, immigrants from divorced-family land. I then sat in darkness in my car, down below the apartment window, weeping. The tears were, I know, partly for me. I was, at least for those nights, the odd man out. I missed my family. I missed having a partner. And I was scared, because the next day it would start all over again. At this point, I had no idea how to use my wounds to heal, much less create a new beginning. I only knew that they hurt, and I feared they would simply go on hurting.

There were many nights, in the first few months, when I held my eldest daughter as she lay crying herself to sleep. There were a multitude of painful moments, such as one daughter’s discomfort as she had to explain the divorce situation to yet another peer, or eating dinner with an intact family when it was clear my children could see how different their lives had become. So I overcompensated. I would buy extra snacks or tickets to expensive musicals for the whole family. I relied heavily on bagel-and-cream-cheese lunches and tried desperately to conceal from my kids that we were living paycheck to paycheck. At this I know I failed.

Each night, after putting the children to sleep, I would stare up at the stars for a few minutes as if to discern some divine design that would teach me what to do. I began devouring books on divorce, even taking in the movie Kramer vs. Kramer, knowing full well it dealt with the pain and challenge of a single father taking over daily child-rearing in the home. I needed catharsis, and I remember sobbing through that film, my wound vibrating with the resonance of my tears. Was there a way out of this pain? Would I wake up one day and find my wounds had finally gone away? Did it work like that? I had no idea.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

–e. e. cummings

Over these first few months, however, I was discovering something uplifting. I became aware