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CAN YOU SUPER-SIZE THAT SCREAMING?
 Who are these people taking their newborn children to restaurants? Let me narrow thatdown. Who are these people taking small children to restaurants that provide a server? Not aserver where the level of service is limited to “You want to Super-Size that?” I’m talking about areal, live person who knows what wine might or might not be good with the duck. Just to makemyself perfectly clear, that excludes any restaurant with playground equipment.We always seem to find these people every time my wife and I go on a date. Since mywife got pregnant the first several times I looked at her, a date represents a sizable investment onour part. Not just financially, but an investment in time and effort.First, we have to secure the babysitter.I have no idea why, but potential babysitters seem to lose interest when they learn wehave four children.A good way to circumvent the four child objection is simply in the definition itself of theword “children”. For example, when asked, I now say that we only have two children. I do thishonestly because I define the word “child” as anyone between the ages of birth and five-years-old. Anyone beyond the five-year-old threshold is, under my new terms, included in the preteengrouping.
 
Preteen is also not a category you need to publicize to the prospective babysitter. Thereare some negative connotations associated with the term “teen” so, if my hand is called, then Iusually use the more vague and generic “tween” that’s having some currency in childdevelopment circles these days.So, anyway, my wife secured the services of a babysitter, who managed to show up at our house within thirty minutes of the assigned time and appeared to be sober. We exited the house by throwing candy into a corner and slipping away while the children and preteens fought for it,and arrived at the restaurant just in time for our eight o’clock dinner reservation. Now there’s always a little buyer’s remorse after you leave your children in the care of someone else. Not so much for your childrens’ well being, they’ll be fine, as for what kind of trouble they can create without a battle hardened veteran there to keep an eye on things. Withkids, they can sometimes get a ball rolling that is hard to stop.Recently, while my wife and I were on another date, our kids found our cat, Gray, dead inthe woods behind our house. When we got home the kids had worked themselves into anemotional frenzy. They pleaded with me to do mouth to mouth, but I assured them the cardboardstiff carcass was well beyond our efforts.The kids were traumatized. We dug a hole and stuck Gray the dead cat in it. We had anelaborate service. There were poems and prayers and tears. An expensive sterling silver crosswas brought from inside and stuck in the dirt. This was something of a surprise for the parents.An expensive surprise. But it wasn’t like we could take the thing back.
 
At least the kids were not afraid to emote. My older children were generous with their grief, saying things like “We’ll miss you Gray,” and “It’s your fault Mom! If you’d let him stayinside then Gray would still be alive.”Judging by the few wounds that I’d been able to see on the carcass, it looked like another animal had done him in, probably a dog.I was pretty irritated that we were having this big production for the cat anyway. Thething was pretty psycho. He scratched the kids all the time. They didn’t even like him.So, after they had heaped abuse on their mother, our children dropped into the dirt for onelast tearful prayer for their departed cat. I was headed for the back door, thinking about lunch,when I suddenly stopped. I called my wife. To her credit, she was still with the kids and their really long prayer, staying to the bitter end, hoping that would absolve her of some blame.She kept her head bowed, and held up a hand for me to wait.I called her again.She gestured with her hand, like can’t you see we are praying here?I called her once moreShe finally looked up, seeing what I saw.Which was our cat, Gray. Very much alive. Standing by the back door.“It’s a miracle,” the children yelled when they saw him too. As they all stood aroundstaring at the cat, nothing was said about the cat we had just buried. In fact, the kids thought this
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ajaxmilan

You are talented, my man. Keep it up! ;)

reply07 / 04 / 2011
deleted_fbuser_1290752936

I needed a good laugh ! (( Thank You ))

reply04 / 21 / 2010
tolduso

This is hysterical! The cat story is classic. Our thoughts exactly with the whole babysitting deal...and we only have 2! Hmmm...throw some candy in the corner? We, also, worry...not about the children...but the person left in charge and how they are handling the mayhem.

reply04 / 02 / 2010
Ellisz

Haha,, funny ^_^ Love the cat's funeral... I hope my parents haven't had such problems with me and my sis when we were younger :P

reply02 / 08 / 2010
02 / 08 / 2010This doucment made it onto the Rising List!
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