Uncharted

byDaniel J. FienbergBased on the characters created by Sherwood Schwartz.

FADE IN:INT. FUNERAL HOME VIEWING ROOM -- DAYA TALL THIN MAN with a beard leads the procession byan open casket. His head is bowed as he leans over andthe body and whispers something to the unseen body. Ashe whispers, he surreptitiously reaches into thecorpses suit pocket, removes an item and moves on.The bearded man stands by an urn off coffee and a trayof sandwiches watching other mourners pass by thebody. He looks around the room and locks eyes withfive others – A DISHEVELED BURLY MAN, AN OVER-DRESSED,OVER-PREENED BEAUTY, A FRESH-FACED YOUNG BEAUTY and anOLDER WELL-ATTIRED COUPLE. The bearded man makes asmall gesture and the others slowly gravitate towardshim. Only the fresh-faced beauty is wearing black.Six of them now, they stand off to the side,conspicuously avoiding either physical or eye contact,staring at the ground.FRESH-FACED BEAUTY(whispering)People expect the widow to be availablefor condolences.BEARDED MANDid you think I had another agenda?FRESH-FACED BEAUTYI don’t want to find out. I’m herebecause the only thing worse than beingseen talking to you is being seenavoiding you.BEARDED MANGranted. Accept my condolences.He reaches into his pocked and pulls out a battered,sun-beaten cap. We suddenly realize who he is.GILLIGANWe weren't supposed to leave.We have to go back toGilligan's Island.

The mourners look up, incredulous. There's THESKIPPER, THE MILLIONAIRE (THURSTON HOWELL III), HISWIFE (LOVEY), A MOVIE STAR (GINGER), and MARY ANN.Wait.The camera pulls back to the open casket and finallypeers over the edge. It's THE PROFESSOR.TITLES.BACK TO VIEWING ROOM CORNERTHURSTONYou really are a broken record, oldchap. Three years and the same song.GILLIGANYou know he agreed with me.He gestures over to the casket.MARY ANNDo you really want him as your onlyally, Gilligan? He wasn’t well.GILLIGANSo you believe what they’re saying?You believe he killed himself?GINGERReally, Gilligan! The media has noreason to lie.GILLIGANIs the camera running now, Ginger? ICan never tell if you believe whatyou’re saying or not. You’re talkingabout a man who built a coconut-poweredcar and weathered a bout with theTikaTika flu. He was a survivor.MARY ANNYou don’t know, Gilligan. He’d becomeunstable.