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A one-act Play byDean Barrett

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SERIOUS REPLIES ONLY!

At rise. Four adults are standing upstage - a young man, a man in early middle age, amiddle-aged woman and a transvestite.The

WOMAN

is dressed conservatively, is very proper in appearance and demeanor and is wearing a kitchen apron. She looks as if she's just stepped out of the kitchen where shemust have been baking cookies.The

MIDDLE AGED MAN

is dressed in studded leather and cowboy boots and hat or aleather-and-levis combination and is holding a bullwhip.The

TRANSVESTITE

has a purse on her shoulder and a brightly colored feather boaaround her neck.The

YOUNG MAN

is clean cut, clean shaven and casually dressed, American middleclass style, absolutely nothing unusual about him and he is holding a bouquet of flowers.

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The

WOMAN

walks to downstage center and faces the audience. She speaks with a southern accent.

WOMANHi...

(wipes her hands with her apron and giggles)

Never thought in all my born daysI'd be placin' an advertisement in one of these here columns but...the truth isJedediah - my beloved husband - he died year before last and it gets a bit lonely justbakin' cookies for church socials and leadin' fund drives for the local high school.And some of the girls in my sewin' circle were talkin' after bingo the other night,sayin' as how it was high time I stopped hidin' my light under a bushel basket andreached out for some kind of companionship. And how Jedediah would have wantedme to. Well, anyway, here goes! I'm a single white female and I would like toperform oral sex on a male member of an American Indian tribe between the ages of 19 and 33; preferably Comanche, Apache, Chickasaw or Choctaw. Bein' a God-fearin', Bible-readin' Christian woman, I would prefer you be from a tribe where nogamblin' is allowed; or at least where the roulette table has none of them 'doublezeeros' to give the House unfair odds; but, whatever, I would consider performin' onmale members of other Native American tribes such as Pawnee, Pequot, Nez Perce,Pueblo, Crow, Creek, Blackfeet, Cherokee, Seminole, Shawnee, Powhatan, Ojibwe-

(As the

MIDDLE-AGED MAN

walks downstage center, the

WOMAN

takes several steps backward while still rattling off names of Indian tribes but much softer. She standsabout ten feet behind him to one side. The

MAN

begins speaking after "Ojibwe" and the

WOMAN

continues reciting names of tribes)

WOMAN

(cont)

Navajo, Lakota, Ogala Sioux, Hopi, Shoshone, Kickapoo, Kiowa, Seneca, Cheyenne Arapaho, Mohawk, Suquamish, Shenacossett, Delaware, Miami, Chippewa, Dakota, Menominee, MicMac, Miskitu, Mohave, Mohican, Muscogee, Narragansett, Omaha,Osage, Paiute, Passamaquoddy, Pequot, Potawatomi, Iroquois, Laguna, Lahu, Shoshone, Yaqui

...(start over from 'Navajo')(The

MAN

speaks in a very confident, assured, somewhat aggressive manner. He's doneit all and has nothing to hide. Occasionally, he flicks his whip)

MAN Hi...I'm a dominant white male and my wife is generally submissive; but she can be switchable. I can also be switchable if you're bi, but I'm not bi if you're switchable,unless you're a dominant bi switchable into latex and leather, or a voyeuristicallyinclined crossdressing female switchable into silk and satin. And bi. In which case mywife is dominant; but not bi. And I get to wear the silk and satin...

(snaps his whip)

Serious replies only! Anyway, we're both in our early thirties with gym-trained, well-toned hard bodies. We've been in the scene for awhile but we're squeaky clean and expect you to be as well. We also expect you to be non-smoking, discreet, drug and allergy-free. We're in search of an open-minded Asian woman interested in having some fun-filled fantasies realized - whatever's clever sort of stuff. We hope you'll actively participate, but the first time out you might just want to watch until you get your bearings, so to speak. We're open to just about anything or anyone but we would prefer a Chinese female into high heels, stockings, garter belts and lingerie somewherebetween postpubescence and premenopausal from either Hangchow or Soochow; Or especially from any city along the Silk Road whose name begins with "K". My wife's ahistory buff so any woman from a city visited by Marco Polo would be especiallywelcome. But we would consider tattooed women from Liuchow or women into body piercing from Lanchow or women into body building from Gwangchow or women intorubber from Yangchow or women in general from certain other select cities in China such as Jinchow, Wuchow, Guilin, Shanghai, Beijing, Tienjing, Ch'ungjing, Swatow, Jungshan-

(As the

TRANSVESTITE

walks downstage center, the

MAN

takes several stepsbackward while still rattling off names of Chinese cities but much softer. He stands about ten feet in the rear. As the

TRANSVESTITE

speaks both the

MAN

and

WOMAN

continue reciting)

MAN

(cont)

Toi San, Hong Kong, Ao-men, Shuangliao, Nanchang, Shaoxing, Changsha, Foshan, Anyang, Fenyang, Chingyang, Luoyang, Hanyang, Yichang, Tsingdao, Lushun, Boshan, Jining, Hechuan, Leshan, Pingliang, Nenjiang, Tongjiang, Fujin, Huludao,Weihai, Taoan, Jongwei, Yulin...

(start over from 'Toi San')(The

TRANSVESTITE

arrives, takes out a powder puff and powders her face)

of 00

Serious Replies Only

Serious Replies Only is a one-act play with four characters. It is short and humorous but also has aspects of Theater of the Absurd. The play has had several stagings.

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Category:	Creative Writing > Screenplays & Plays
Rating:
Upload Date:	05/21/2009
Copyright:	Attribution Non-commercial
Tags:	Humor sexy Indian Acting actor whip broadway transvestite one act play Humor sexy Indian Acting actor whip broadway transvestite one act play (fewer)