THE FIFTIESA Monologue for Actors(At curtain, a late middle-aged man is straddlinga chair and facing the audience, drinkingfrom a bottle of whiskey. He stops drinkingbriefly and for several seconds is lost in memory)Everybody I know my age says the 1960s changed their lives. Maybe so.But, for me, it was the 50s. And my life wasn't just changed; it was ruined.Yeah. I know. You're thinkin', the fifties?! Wasn't that the dumb decade wheneverybody believed their government, watched 'I Love Lucy', opened doors forwomen, went to church and respected the FBI? What could have happened in thefifties that could have ruined this asshole's life? Maybe he's just drunk! Maybehe's not an actor at all, but just wandered in off the street! Right?!God, I wish that was it. You see, It all started when I was a kid. I must'a beenabout thirteen. I was the best short stop in the school - maybe in the state! Icould hit, catch, pitch, run! A batting average you wouldn't believe! Everybodywanted me on their team. Everybody! God, was I popular! I had IT, you know whatI mean? I was the king; any girl I wanted!(snaps his fingers)Then all of a sudden something called 'rock and roll' music came along. I didn'tknow what the fuck it WAS. I didn't dance, for Christ's sake! I was king ofsports! But baseball didn't matter, anymore. Guys who used to crowd around me inthe diner goin' over batting averages and hanging onto every word I said werewalking down the street singing! Singing shit like...like 'Tears on MyPillow'!...Tears on my pillow!?...'Lavender Blue'?! What the fuck wasthat?!...Lavender Green Dilly Dilly? Purple People Eater? And then it got worse:The air was full of shit like ‘Stupid Cupid,’ ‘Tutti Fruitti,’ ‘Tweedle Dee Dee,’‘Yakety Yak,’ ‘Splish Spash,’ ‘Hully Gully,’ ‘Peppermint Twist,’ ‘Mashed Potato,’‘My Boy Lollipop,’ ‘Baby Love,’ ‘Short, Fat Fanny,’ ‘Long, Tall Sally!’ ‘KnickKnack Paddy Whack’? ‘Bony Maroni’?The second baseman was a pure jock for as long as I’d known him. A real machotype. Then one day I hear him singing something about ‘How Much is that Doggy inthe Window’! The catcher was singing something called ‘A Rose and a Baby Ruth.’A Rose…and a Baby Ruth? I still don’t get it.And instead of forming baseball teams like before, guys all across the countrystarted forming into little groups with weird names: Little Anthony & theImperials, Johnny & the Hurricanes, Danny & the Juniors, Jivin’ Gene & the Jokers,Dion & the Belmonts. Dickie Doo and the Don'ts?! Who the fuck were they?!...Andone by one every guy on my team stopped showing up for practice and startedhanging around record shops and goin' to block dances. It was like...like somekind of invasion of the body snatchers.(He flexes his muscles)You know how many goddamned hours I spent lifting weights? I was alreadytall but I had to work damn hard at it to get big. And it worked: I had moregirls around than...Man!..Then one day everything changed: Being big and strongwasn't in; girls who used to be nuts about my muscles and my height startedsalivating over guys with names like Little Richard and Little Anthony and ChubbyChecker and Pee Wee Hunt and Bobby Short and... and Fats Domino! I mean, what thefuck! All of a sudden, if you were short and fat you were God!..And then, I’ll
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