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September is NationalVelociraptor Awareness Month!The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention,along with the North AmericanVelociraptor DefenseAssociation and the UnitedVelociraptor Widows Fund, will be providing free velociraptor safety seminars at local RedCross centers across the nation.Contact your local center for more information.
Sign Up
Don't let the velociraptors getthe best of you. Sign up for our free weekly newsletter,complete with helpful tips andmoney-saving coupons fromour certified velociraptor-freeretail partners!Velociraptor attack is the 3rd leading cause of death for men age 27-29. However, everyone must think about theimplications of velociraptors: young and old, men,women and transgendered persons.The AmericanSociety for Velociraptor Attack Prevention is a bi-partisan groupof professionals,dedicated to thediffusion of knowledgeconcerningvelociraptor attack prevention.
Know the Enemy
The velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long,stiffened tail and can be distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with anupturned snout. It bores a relatively large, sickle-shapedclaw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontiddinosaurs. This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device,used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal blow.Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands,converted to millionarie amusement parks, but arecommonly being sighted in the Pacific Northwest. Of the essential facts you should know about velociraptors:
•
Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known toform an equilateral triangle around its prey.
•
Velociraptors can accelerate 4 m/s
2
, with a topspeed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10 m/s whilewounded, and 10 m/s in indoor labratories.
•
Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed bythem. They can open an initial door inapproximately 5 minutes, and will take half thattime for each subsequent door.
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Velociraptors do not know fear.
Velociraptor
compared in size to a human.Courtesy: Wikipedia
New Home Buyer Tips
When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks:1.Check all doors and windows. Doors should bemade of solid oak or steel. Windows should havesteel bars with spacing smaller than the averageraptor.2.Make sure all entryways have adequatedeadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchasedat your local Home Depot.3.Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember,you should never be farther than 20 feet awayfrom a tire iron.
Meet the Neighbors
Know thine enemy
The velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail and can be distinguishedfrom other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an upturned snout. It bores arelatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs.This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatorydevice, used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal blow.Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands, converted to millionaireamusement parks, but are, due toglobal warming, commonly being seen all over theworld. Of the essential facts you should know about velociraptors:
•
Velociraptors have no natural enemies, aside from possibly echidnae. An echidnacan be used as a last-resort defense mechanism if thrown at a velociraptor's eyes.This seems to deter them somewhat.
•
Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle aroundits prey.
•
Velociraptors can accelerate 4 m/s squared, with a top speed of 25 m/s on openterrain, 10 m/s while wounded, and 10 m/s in indoor laboratories.
•
Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initialdoor in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequentdoor.
•
Velociraptors do not know fear.
•
While velociraptors prefer to attack young children and 50-year-old virgins, theywill not hesitate to kill and possibly eat any and all members of the public.
•
Velociraptors stand about crotch high. They
will
Safety around Velociraptors
Velociraptors will attack on the street or in the house; their preferred method is to wear disguises such as trench-coats, mustaches, and Darth Vader voice changers. Warn your children against any strangers offering them candy, sex, or ultimate power over thegalaxy. Several safety precautions that one can take include:
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Never, ever being more than 20 feet away from a tire iron.
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Carrying an assault rifle at all times loaded with 100-round snail clips
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Driving around in an armored personnel carrier
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Keeping an echidna somewhere on you at all times. Possibly strapped to your head as a spiky helmet.
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Teaching your children the 'kill' spots on velociraptors
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Wearing clean underwear at all times
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Refraining from having wild, promiscuous, binge sex with odd-looking lizards
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Keeping a copy of the Holy Bible on your person at all times as a last-resort bludgeoning tool[edit]
New Home Buyer Tips
When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potentialvelociraptor attacks:
•
Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel.Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the average raptor.
•
Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot.
•
Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near everydoor. Remember,
you should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tireiron
.
•
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