Parking Structure Bobbywas over at your a... I went to one of these malls.You got a big mall going on over there.The galleria there. Holy Shit!I went over to the mall.I, I had to park nearby in a parking structure.You know when you park... in the parking structure...you you you know you go up like, there's like 40 stories,and you always have to park up on the fucking roof.What do they pave that with? What is that? That's not concrete.Whatever that's paved - you could be like driving 5 miles an hour.It sounds like you're in a chase scene from Chips!It's like,SCREECHI'm backing up!SCREECHWhat the fuck is that? You got sneakers on.You're trying to walk in,SCREECHWhere's the door?!SCREECHSCREECHSCREECHKeep it going for that joke.*Appluase*Keep it going. That's only the first of many.In fact, let me do that one again just so we all feel like we're a part of it.You ever go to the mall there, The Galleria? There's a parking structure.What is that paved with? It's not cement.*Dane Chuckling*Umm, Helllllo?Then get this right? I'm driving along man I'm driving as I'm driving, I'm driving safely. I'm obeyingthe rules..of the road. Whatever sign comes at me I look at it and I go ..Ok. you got it, sign. Rightso I'm driving safely all of a sudden a guy in another lane compeletly oblivious to me. He startscoming into my lane. JUST COMING IN And if I didn't see him coming in..accident. But because Isaw him..ah I say HEYY Right i see. I assess the situation. I see I assess the sit you aye shun.And then I uh eased on the brake. As he's coming I ease. And I said what anybody here saysautomatically when this happens. You can't help it. It just comes out, ready? ready?...Um, Hello?..Um, Hi? Hello? Unless you're black. If you're black it's a little differnt. If you're black it's uh checkout this mothafucka..check out this mothafucka! If you're chinese it's *screech* *crash* Sothat's...that's nice.I go to this car accident. I got in this car accident recently right? Not my fault! This car accidentwas not my fault. Right but you know how it goes..Get in a car accident even if it is not your fault.The other person, they get out of their car look at you like it's your fault. Even if it is CLEARLYtheir fault they get out.They're like..Alright? why did you stop at a red light and let me hit youdoing 80?! WHY DID YOU STOP AT A RED LIGHT?.. Then you get out right? You go you startlooking at the damage. You start looking. Keep looking at each other and back at thedamage...Will you please come and look at my damage with me sir? If we look together maybesome magic will happen. This is horri- feel this! This even feels damaged! Do you have tools, canyou fix this right now? This is horribly- this feels so horribly damaged. Even if I was blind I wouldknow this is horribly damaged by the way it feels.Then you gotta exchange the information right? That sucks cuz nobody ever has a fucking pen.

You stand there. Do you have a pen- I don't have a pen...Can you remember all my shit? Do youhave a lipstick or something? A crayon? Right? SO when you finally ..here's what happens. Youfinally get information going and you print your stuff nice and clean. Ther you go..there's my. Ihighlight. Everything's nice. You give him the.. there you go. It's in an envelope. Ugh yeah. Niceand- But then you get their information and it looks like they were having a fucking seizure whilewriting it. You're like dude you got like a 28 digit phone number going on here buddy.And under name you drew a picture of a monkey fucking a coconut. What is that? Is your name Monkeyfucking a coconut sir? MFC? is that you? MFC? That's a monkey.. that could be a melon lookslike a coco-nut.Then you take a second..here's where it starts getting embarrasing right? You takeasecond while you're doing the exchange. you just look around for a second and there's peopleEVERYWHERE.They're like building bleachers on the sidewalk and shit. People coming out of bushes...What? accident? I'm gonna watch for awhile! Wow! They're discussing it right there!Car AccidentWe love car accidents in this country, we are obsessed with car accidents! I know you're like me,right, it's like 2:00 in the morning, it's dead quiet, you're in bed watching T.V., it's all quiet. Then allof a sudden outside at the corner you here *screech!!* "DAMMIT! SHIT! That sounded like it wasgoing to hit! You always want it to hit! *screech* "COME ON! NOTHING!" and Then when youfinally here the crash you're siked, its like *scree..bang!* "where are my shoes, YES, where aremy shoooes? Have you seen my shoes? Fuck it, I'm going out with out shoes...I'm going out"shoeless". Right, you come out of your house, all your neighboors are coming out, right. You'rewaiving at each other, your siked to see eachother. You're like "come on. Wanna go together?Come on, let's go...you, me and you, no no, you wait for the next group. Come on! We'll go as ateam, NO you wait for the next group." ...and then you get out there, it's no big deal, but everyonestands out there for two extra hours. It's over, no one is hurt or anything, but everyone has to stayout there! Even it's hot everyone has to act like they're cold and shit" ..*deep breathing* "Hey,what's up? Just had to see whats going on. *heavy breathing* ... and it doesn't matter who youstart talking to, I gaurentee everyone is having the exact conversation. No matter who you getinto it with, all anybody is saying like back and forth is... " Yea, yea, well no, I was in my kitchenand I heard it, so I came out. You were in living room? I was in my kitchen cleaning a dish. I heardit, I came out! What, you were in your basement, he was in his living ro..I was in my kitchencleaning a dish, I was really cleaning and I heard it so I came out. What,shoes? NO NO! FUCKSHOES! HEHE SHOES! AHAHA, Listen to this guy with shoes, HAHAHA YOU! Shoes over here.And everybody always wants to be apart of the police, you know what I mean? We want to beinvolved, you know, we want to talk to the cops when they come near you know... "Officer, uh, I'msorry, I just want you to know, if it helps in your investigation, I was in my kitchen and I heard it soI came out. I will testify in court, I was cleaning a dish. I will bring the dish as exhibit A. And thisguy, he was in his basement, tell him what you told me! Tell him what you told me! That's not whathe told me, he's lieing, that's not what you told me!"Tire in the FaceDid you see that clip they were like showing the other day on uh ESPN or whatever. They wereshowing like the best crazy accidents or something. It was like the best of the worst car you knowlike. They showed this one clip man . If you saw this this was nuts. The two cars go around thecorner and they like catch each other they start to roll. The tire flys into the stands, hit's a womanin the face! And when you first saw it you were like OOOOOO That tire just hit that woman in thein the face! Oh good they're showin it again Look Look Look Look at this right here. Slow itdown..yeah that's when it hits her in the face. And the funny thing is evrybody around the lady likedove out of there. Everyone got out of there but she just like sits there like. You see everyonedives and at the last minute as the tire is rocketing at her face. This is her defense. She goesOOOOO . Like she's just gonna get in a slap fight with a Goodyear.Like she's just gonna go PAHand deflect it. Or maybe she just palmed it PAH. There can only be one Highlander! Tires cannotdefeat me! What a horrible way to go...WHat happened to Mary? A tire..hit her in the face.How doyou say that without laughing. A tire- I can't even do it now! How did Mary die?.. A TIRE hit her inthe FACE!...What was she doing putting her face near tires? No no no no this tire hunted Mary

down. This tire murdered Mary. This tire wasn't fucking around as we like to say. This tire was outfor vengeance. I don't wanna die with a tire hitting me in the goddamn face.There's certain ways that people when they bite it and they show it onthe new... you laugh. Like who gets killed by bees?!Anytime they come on the news like, "A man in Austin was killed by bees."I just fucking laugh. How do you get killed by bees?!If you're walking through the woods, right, and you come near a bushand you hear *BZZZZZZZZZZZ* just, you know,Run away from that bush. Whos going near that bush going,"HEY IS THAT BEES?" hold on one second, "OH JEEZE! AHHH!"Dude Fuck that! I would punch every bee in the face!Bees aren't taking me out, I'd be like, "FUCK YOU BEE!"*PUNCH*"YEAH FUCK YOU BEE! ALRIGHT BEE COME ON! YEAH!"*BZZZZZZZ* *PUNCH*"Where's the next bee at?!" It's a fucking bee!I could undestand if it was like killer horses, Thats scary shit!Flying through the air kicking you in the face*NEHHHHHH**KICK**NEHHHHHH*THATS SCARY! FUCK BEES! ......FUCK BEES!Know one wants to drown. drowning would be the worst, cause everyoneknows that feeling. That feeling that you get, Oh its the worst.When you think you're drowning. like during the summer,You're like at a pool party or something."I'm gonna go into the deep end. Watch my dive. Watch my dive."Right, then you dive in.*SPLASH*And the second you get to the bottom your like,"GET ME OUTTA HEEEERE!! WHERES THE SURFACE?!!"And you always some up under the kid on the raft."Jesus Christ Timmy! Do not float above me whenI'm Dying in the Abyss! Your son almost killed me with his,Uhhhh, Daffy Duck raft over here John. Your son tried to murder mein your pool. Float away for me. Float away."Fire. Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire?Its gotta be soo hot. That is way to fucking hot.Its the worst feeling when you burn yourself too.You know, sometimes you're making sure soup or some oodlesof noodlesor something; Or you're cooking up some crack. And you know,You touch the side of the pot. Just that little*TSSSS*"WOAH!!" That, Fucking kills!! That little thing, you can't take a shower for like three weeks. You gotta like hold your hand out cause the steammakes you angry. You try to bring your hand in,"OOOOOO! I HATE STEAM! WHOEVER INVENTED STEAM SUCKS!"You know what would be the worst?? This would be the ultimate worstright here. What if you dove into the pool, and while you wereat the bottom of the pool freaking out, somebody poured oil on thesurface and lit it on fire! Yeah then you're like,