After Adam

By: Katie Aleo

After Adam

By: Katie Aleo

Copyright 2011 by Katie Aleo Cover Photo Courtesy of Photostock/ Freedigitalhotos.net

Chapter 1

MOVE!!! Hannah leans out of her window and lays on her horn.

I crack up laughing, slinking down in her passenger seat to hide, Oh my God Hannah, calm down.
Dude

no, its the last day of school and these Fools. Wont. Move! She punctuates each word with a beep of her horn and then we both sit in the following quiet before we hear another horn break up the silence. Hannah grins at me as if to say see?
Great, look what you started, I slide down in a little farther in my seat. Whatever.

She rolls her eyes, and steps on the gas, finally! Were FREE! The car in front of us has moved but hearing her latest honk, steps on the brakes for a second time and I groan.
Sophomores

should not be allowed to drive to school, all they do is jam up the parking lot with their inexperienced selves. Hannah looks at me pointedly, And when pray tell, are you going to gain said experience? She laughs, like shes so hilarious. I roll my eyes, Yeah yeah, sorry my mom had to pay the electric bill this month and not get my car fixed. Hannah bristles and I wind up apologizing. Its easy to forget Hannah and I arent in the same situation anymore. Yeah her family was hit by the economy downfall too but the difference is she has two parents able to work. My mom tried to work when she could get a job, but those were fewer and farther between recently here where we live, in Melbourne Beach Florida which is mostly a tourist spot, and getting my car fixed was the least of our worries. Not that I was convinced my mom wasnt completely blameless, seeing as how I barely ever saw her; if she wasnt at her boyfriends house or work she was at the bar. Trying to change the subject so Hannah wouldnt pout I added Besides, what do I need to drive for when I have you?
Whatever,

listen, what are you wearing tonight to Jerrys bonfire? Whatever is one of Hannahs favorite words at the moment.
What bonfire? Anna

come on! She hit her steering wheel and glared at me quickly before returning her gaze to the road, I have been talking to you about this for like a week. I shrugged, I dont know about that. I dont want to go to another one of Jerrys bonfires, they are always the same.
Oh

no you dont, I am not going to let you sit around moping all summer about Adam like you did last summer, you need to get it together and get on with your life. I stiffened visibly; she knows I dont like when anyone talks to me about Adam, so she continued more softly, I didnt mean it like that, you know what I meant. Its our last summer before everything changes. Next summer well be getting ready to go off to

college, and its just not healthy for you to stay locked up inside all summer like you did last year. Adam wouldnt want you to. I blew out my breath, she knew my next line, we both knew all my lines, wed had this conversation so many times before, so this time I just played it out in my head. How do you know what Adam would want? Hes dead, nobody knows what he would want and Hannah would say Real mature Anna and I would start crying and shed apologize and say that she couldnt possibly understand what I was going through, even though she could because she was friends with Adam as long as I was, its just that in the two years before he died, him and I became a couple. I knew it wasnt fair to make Hannah sit around and be a shut in for another summer with me in my room, and she always does anything I need her to, so I tried to be reasonable. Yeah, ok, Ill go to the bonfire with you tonight.
Yay!

Hannah squealed in a decibel that almost damaged my eardrum, but I guess her excitement was contagious and I smiled as I opened the car door in my driveway to get out. She stops backing up halfway down the driveway and yells Are you going to wear your purple flip flops tonight? I look down at my feet and squint to see her in the bright afternoon sun. These? I point at my feet. She strains to see my feet over the hood of her car, Yeah. I sigh, You can wear them. I wave off her cheers and go inside. As is my habit, I take a quick visual survey of the living room, and the area around the bottom of the stairs; clean. That means my mom hasnt been home today, this is three days now. Impressive, even for her; she spends most nights at her boyfriends house or who knows where, but she usually comes home every other day to get clothes, and then makes a mess before leaving again. I really prefer my mom never being home. Hannah thinks its weird, my being home alone all the time. Well she thinks its weird until her parents wont let her do something like stay out all night or go on a weekend camping trip with guys, then she wishes that hers were more like my mom. The thing is Hannah doesnt even really know my mom. If my mom should happen to come home while Hannah is over, I see her eyes light up and then shes off again. I guess she figures as long as someone is here with me, that her job is considered done. My mom has gotten even worse since Adam died, she doesnt really know how to handle Adams death, and she tries to be there for me but usually that means that shell get drunk and end up with her saying inappropriate things. For example, once, when I was really deep in my mourning period, like right after Adam died, my mom said matter of factly, First loves dont usually work out anyways honey, so just be glad you dont have a messy breakup to get over. Yeah, she seriously said that, and then took another huge swig of her red wine and tried to focus her glazed eyes on me but instead she just ended up swaying forward in her seat and pitching forward right off of the couch. I guess it was lucky that she had finished the wine before falling, so I only had broken glass to clean up out of the carpet and not another wine stain. After verifying that there is no note in the kitchen, on the off chance she came home and didnt leave a mess, I climb the stairs to make necklaces until Hannah comes back to get me. Ive pretty much always loved making necklaces or jewelry in general, ever since I was a kid and would get those complete kits. They sell them for adults too but the kits are so kitschy looking when complete that they arent worth putting together as a whole, but they can still be useful if you break it down into its basic pieces to use in other collections.

Its hard to explain but Ill try. Like when you make jewelry and you alternate colors of beads lets say, you dont make the necklace pink purple red, pink purple red because its fake looking, or too perfect and as someone whose life is far from perfect, I guess I just prefer the scattered chaos of sometimes going pink, purple, pink, red, red, purple. I guess other people agree because Ive been able to sell a few necklaces online, ever since Adam suggested it to me, back when Adam still existed. Im so engrossed in making my necklaces that I dont even hear Hannah come in until shes coming through my bedroom doorway and startles me. I scream and beads go everywhere. I scowl at her, but she just laughs, and wanders over to my bathroom to plug in my curling iron and starts applying makeup while I survey the beaded mess in the carpet.
You really need to lay off the caffeine, youre getting jumpy, she points out helpfully. You really need to lay off the makeup; youre starting to look like a Barbie doll or no a Kardashian. I retort

halfheartedly while on my hands and knees trying to scoop up as many beads as possible from the carpet.
.Funny. She rolls her eyes at me before rubbing her bronzer in its case and fluffing it all over her face in a

haze of bronze smoke. Shes already tan enough, and I think the bronzer just makes her look orange like those little people in the Willy Wonka movie, whatever its called (the original one thats really old), but last time I tried to tell her that she got seriously cranky for the rest of the day. Hannah is one of those girls who (ha, I say one of those girls but yet before Adam died I guess I was just like her) loves being tan year round and having her hair bleached blonde within an inch of its life. Granted, my hair was already pretty blonde unlike hers which is naturally brown, but adding different layers of dimensions, aka highlights was still a monthly ritual, back then of course, before Adam died. Now I dont do anything to my hair but wash and condition it and its actually looking shinier than ever.
I talked

to Riley, he says that his older sister agreed to get the alcohol for tonight and everyone should be getting to the beach in like a half hour, so you should start getting ready. I looked down at my outfit and then back at her.
What? She

says accusingly. You cant go like that Anna; your shirt says Camp Kids and has a chocolate Where? I look myself over and Hannah points at the offending stain with an eyeliner pencil.

stain on it.
No it doesnt! Look,

for school, its fine, whatever, but come on Anna, its summer time, youre supposed to be feeling beachy, and sexy. She raises her eyebrows at me. My face scrunches up involuntarily. Sexy? Oh no, I said Id come to Jerrys dumb party with you but I dont need to try to dress up sexy to hang out with the same kids we hang out with at school during the day. Besides, its dark so nobody will see the stain, and/or they already saw it at school. Im pretty proud of my reasoning but Hannah looks disgusted and I dont blame her, my personal appearance has taken a real nose dive in the past year, but what does it matter I figure? Its not like Im trying to impress anyone anymore, and everyone knows Im in a period of mourning.
No, just no, Im putting

my foot down. By foot I guess she means beauty products because she stomps out of my bathroom and is sorting through my closet, angrily shoving clothes out of the way. Here, wear this, this is a perfectly comfortable and nice looking tank top, she holds it out to me.
Oh! I reach for it, surprised. Honestly I hadnt reached

that far back in my closet in awhile, preferring just to wash and wear the same t-shirts. I had forgotten about this tank top. I used to love it, its cream color really set off my tan in the summer. Although that was two years ago, seeing as how last summer was after Adam

and I didnt go out like ever. I hope it still fits me.

Thats the spirit! Hannah went back to putting on makeup while I tried it on. Surprisingly it still fit, what a diet

despair and heartbreak can make I thought ruefully, as I admired myself in it in the mirror on the back of my door.
See

what did I tell you? With that flirty camisole you look like a different person. I look at her standing behind me in my reflection and nod, smiling tightly. I kiss Adam goodbye and we leave to go to the party. I have a picture of me and Adam eating lunch together at school stuck in the corner of my mirror thats hanging on the back of my door. Its been there since before Adam died, and I have made a habit out of kissing it before I leave the house. Its just my way I guess of acknowledging him, or keeping him close to me. I dont give it tongue or anything, just a quick peck before I have to leave my room and go out into the world. Hannah doesnt even seem surprised anymore which is kind of comforting, that even shes accepted that Adams still a part of me this way. We walked to the bonfire along the beach. Jerrys wasnt far enough away to warrant driving, especially with summer traffic clogging up Beach St, but I barely heard anything Hannah said on the way there. I guess it was just seeing my old self in my cami or something, but I was feeling for once like it was ok for life to go on, and not guilty about being out of the house. I didnt want to date or anything, but Hannah was right - I needed to get outside and be around people and as much as shed deny it, if I tried to stay inside all summer I was likely to end up losing yet another friend. We had two other best friends, Becky and Christine, but around the middle of last summer, which was about four months after Adam, they couldnt deal with it anymore and we stopped being best friends. They favored going to the beach and smiling over sleeping on my couch and comforting me crying over Adam. I understood and I didnt have any hard feelings towards them, I just didnt have anything to say to anyone recently, or the energy to try to make things right between us. They tried to avoid me, according to Hannah, which made it really awkward when wed get stuck together for something at school this year. I wished Hannah hadnt even told me flat out about them trying to avoid me instead of letting me continue to deceive myself that they were just busy, but as I know all too well, theres no point in wishing, because if I were to really wish, I would wish Adam wasnt dead. As we get closer to the party my steps start to slow with the weight of thinking about all of it. I lean over to take deep breaths, but despite my efforts to calm myself down, I feel my palms getting sweaty. Another reason I dont like coming out is because to everyone I see; Im still Adams girlfriend. It makes me so uncomfortable; the way people look at me like they dont know what to say. Its so weird because its been over a year ago now, and they dont have to say anything about Adam to talk to me, its not like hes all I can talk about, like my whole life is summed up by one event, one event that didnt even happen to me, and besides - these are people that grew up with Adam same as I did - they have every right to grieve as much as I do, and not tiptoe around me like Im some bomb of sadness waiting to explode awkwardly on anyone who says the wrong thing. More often than not I feel like Im the one consoling other people like No its alright that you dont know what to say, dont sweat it. Its weird and I want to go back to being just Anna. Hannah can sense when Im about to get a panic attack and stops me from taking any more steps closer to the party. Shit Anna! she says, frantically looking through her purse for something to calm me down, as I feel my thoughts about Adam spinning me further out of control. Shit, shit, shit, I hear out of the corner of my eye. Yes it is possible to hear that way or maybe Im just going crazy as a side effect of my panic attack.
Aha!

Alright Anna, here smell this. She sticks a bottle of perfume under my nose and coaches me on breathing in and out; it smells like cake. I love those perfumes that smell like sugar cookies or yellow cake, or icing, smelling it now I decide that all other perfumes in the world should just cease to exist, why would you want to smell like a flower or some concoction a celebrity mixed together (they arent all chemists are

they? What do they know anyways?) My breathing starts to slow with her practiced technique and I breathe it in and smile. Mmmm, Im a sucker for that stuff, let me spray it. Hannah hands it over silently, her leg twitching impatiently.
Im sorry Hans. I say, handing it back to her. She nods and rolls her eyes. Are

you going to be able to keep it together tonight? Do you want to hang onto it? She looks uncertain now. I know that shes worried about leaving me alone to hang out with her boyfriend Riley, in case I freak out or cry or something and Im embarrassed at the burden Ive become. Embarrassed at how far removed from everyone Ive allowed myself to get. If I were Hannah Id have probably ditched me a long time ago along with Becky and Christine. I shake my head casually and start to hand it back to her but she holds her palms up to ward me off. On second thought, you hang onto it for now, just you know, incase. I smile gratefully at her and playfully lay my head on her shoulder, Youre the greatest friend ever Hannah, you cant make Anna without Hannah after all! I try to cheer her up with our old saying that we used to say when we were kids and everyone commented on how youd never see one of us without the other nearby.
Whatever, she grumbles, clearly not amused, I will be wanting that perfume back later. Whys that? Does Riley get all Oooo Hannah you smell like cake, let me have a bite! I playfully let my teeth

touch her shoulder where my head is laying and she screeches and runs away from me.
Gah!

Anna you are such a freak! Shes laughing though as she says it so I know all is forgiven for my earlier weirdness. I didnt always used to have panic attacks; its new to after Adam. I dont have health insurance, thanks to my moms job hopping, so when it starting happening a lot last summer while it was just me and Hannah at home, Hannah Googled panic attacks and started trying to find a solution for me that would work. The breathing into a paper bag trick you always see on movies? Yeah, that is like way suffocating feeling and just made me worse, but smelling something sweet in the same steady in and out cadence as I would with the paper bag, seemed to soothe me and snap me right out of it. Hannah is a genius like that. The bonfire on the beach in front of Jerrys is pretty much what I expected, the same old crowd Ive always ever seen here. Jerrys parents dont seem to mind the loud noise outside their house, or the steady stream of people parading in and out all night using their bathroom, so thats how his house got chosen I guess. His mom even seems to encourage the parties because shes known for buying all the boxes of graham crackers at the Stop N Go and tons of bags of marshmallows and Hersheys candy bars for everyone to make smores. Sometimes when there is a fire warning issued and we cant make a beach fire, well just make the smores on his grill. We used to make them in his microwave until some ditzy girl didnt pay attention and the sticky marshmallow exploded all over the inside of the microwave. When we get there, Hannah walks around, with me in tow, saying hi to everyone. Of course everyone is super nice to me, but in a spacey way, wide-eyed like Hi Anna, how are you? (All things considered), good? Gooood. Cricket noise follows until Hannah thinks of something to say or moves us along. We sit down near Riley and a few of his friends and Hannah becomes absorbed in him immediately, leaving me sitting for the most part alone and wondering why I even came. No, thats not true, I know that I can be here for Hannah without having to talk to her the whole time, I just wish I could do it without feeling like

everybody else is looking at me wondering why Im here, or why Im sitting here with nobody to talk to. I look at Rileys friends who are sitting near us deep in what I think is a beer burping contest (ew) and decide Im better off just sitting here watching everyone else, or playing a game on my phone while I wait for Hannah and Riley to er reacquaint themselves with one another. Riley and Hannah are kind of a new thing. After Adam she didnt hook up with anyone for a long time, which is really not like her but I guess it was a show of moral support, so when she started actually crushing on Riley this spring and flirting with him I was really happy for her. Its not fair to her to swear off boys and cater to my every need and mourn with me, and even though I was really grateful for all the time she spent with me, we were starting to get on each others nerves a little bit. Besides, since she has been with Riley I really think Ive come a long way in moving past Adam since Ive had more time to myself to think. I wont say getting over Adam, because you get over someone you break up with, and we didnt break up, we just ceased to be. My phone rings, and I dont know who is more surprised, me or Hannah, considering that she came out of her Riley bubble and turned to me questioningly. I fish it out of my pocket, Its my mom, I mouth, as I open the phone and stand to walk to a quieter stretch of beach.
Honey?

Honey where are you? My mom is giggling into the phone and I can hear her boyfriend Neal or at least I assume its Neal, whispering to her in the background.
Im at a party mom. Party? I notice

she sounds surprised, not angry like most parents would be that Im at a party and that she had no idea until this minute where I was, and roll my eyes as she continues, Well come home, I got a new job and we are going out with Neal to celebrate. My mom getting a new job was nothing to be excited about; she gets new jobs all the time, what would be more impressive is if she would keep one. That is something I could see celebrating.
Thats great mom, but I just got here and I already ate so. Dont be ridiculous sweetie; Neal is taking us out for a treat so get here now, and with that she hung up.

I sigh and flip my phone shut, and head back to the bonfire to tell Hannah I have to leave. Chapter 2

Turns out Neal was only willing to spring for the Snack Shack or The Shack as locals call it, a greasy little diner on the beach within walking distance from the house. Im pretending to look over the menu that I already know by heart to avoid seeing my mom and Neals disgusting flirting and wondering why I was even dragged along in the first place, when my mom disengages her lips from his long enough to lecture me about getting a job. Something about how I should be more like her and buckle down, show some responsibility. Neal has the nerve to start into me too, and it seems he is getting a kick out of acting all parental, which is probably largely due to the alcohol that I can smell wafting across the table off of the two of them. Finally Ive had enough and I slam my menu down hard enough to get more than one curious glance from other Snack Shack patrons. You are really one to talk mother I hiss across the table at her, You cant keep

a job for more than six months! How are you going to lecture me about responsibility when the reason you got fired from your last two jobs was for just failing to show up or even call in on several occasions? She looks at me aghast and I let the other hammer or shoe or whatever it is fall, Yeah, I know about that, maybe if you tried coming home every now and then, youd be able to check the machine before I do. Bam. In the long seconds that followed, she just looked at me, trying to think of something to say, and much to my relief, the waitress chose to appear at that time with the food. I picked up a crispy french fry and sat quietly looking at my plate munching on my food for the remainder of the meal. After the plates were cleared and we had all exchanged murmurs of thanks to Neal, my mom decided to end my hopes of salvaging the evening with ice cream and laughter and just kiddings!! all around.
I think

its about time that you start pitching in for all the things you take for granted. From now on you can pay your own cell phone bill, and I expect you to have your car fixed by the end of summer instead of letting it sit in the driveway looking like a hunk of junk, and you will be paying for your own car insurance and gas money. Im not driving you around next year or giving you gas money to hand over to Hannah. Neal and I both looked at her in somewhat shock. Is this the alcohol talking or is my mom actually trying to get all parental on me?
How do you expect me to get to said job since your never home to drive me to it?

I sat back in my seat feeling pretty smug and satisfied, until she leaned forward and said You can start by putting in an application here. I stare daggers at her, as the waitress comes to collect Neals credit card and in addition to my mom asking for a to-go box, she asks for an application. She doesnt let us leave until I fill it out and hand it over to our waitress. I just hope the oil from the table is enough to smudge out my cell phone number. Chapter 3

Hannah calls me later as Im up finishing a necklace to fill another online order, and I tell her about the horror that is my mother. She cracks up laughing You cant be serious? Youre going to work at The Shack? She says it like its a dirty word even though we eat there all the time. Ive never paid any attention to the people that wait on us there, so Im not sure if she means it as in only losers work there, as opposed to only losers work there.
Maybe not, but my only other option in walking distance is the Stop N Go, so I dont know what to hope for.

I put a pillow over my face to muffle my scream which is more for Hannahs benefit than anything else since after dinner my mom and Neal left again for places unknown.
Well that blows

that you had to leave early tonight, some of Rileys friends were asking about you after you left, like if youre ready to date again or whatever. I roll my eyes at Hannahs one track mind. Since she is now part of a couple she feels like its her duty to make me part of a couple also, and more and more recently she has been trying to talk me into going out with her and Riley and one of his friends. Most guys around here wont come near me with a ten foot pole after Adam, but I guess with Riley running interference and getting his friends used to the idea, some guys

are coming around. Not that Im sure whether or not that is a good thing.
Dude, I say, looking at the alarm clock next to my bed, Can this wait until later, I already got chewed out by

my mom tonight, I cant deal with you badgering me too.

Ok,

Ok, Hannah said softening, so what are you going to wear on your first day of work? White tennis shoes and white socks cuffed or black??
I hate you. I say grinning, This conversation is over, Goodnight.

Chapter 4

Of course I get a call the next morning for an interview and I call Hannah in a panic, wondering what to wear. Hannah of course, having never been on an interview either, has no idea but vows to find out from someone whose actually had a job before and calls me back and tells me what to wear. She didnt tell me that at ten oclock on a June morning, my silky shirt would get all sweaty by the time I walked to my interview and so I stand outside in the shade of a tree beforehand trying to fan myself and cool myself off. As much as Id hate working here, the idea of working at the Stop N Go is scary enough to make me want this job. Besides, after thinking about it for a few days, I really do love their ice cream so as long as I get to eat that at a discounted rate, I figure I could do worse.
You going to come in or are you just going to stand out here and get your nerves all worked up?

I jump in surprise and turn smiling to see who the voice belongs to and am surprised to see Camp! What are you doing here? Am I that obvious?
Well considering

that my boss told me to tell an interviewee named Anna Sorrin that she was going to be late, I just guessed he winked at me. Taking him in I couldnt believe how much hed changed and how much he resembled Adam. It shouldnt be so surprising considering that they were brothers, but I hadnt seen Camp since Adams funeral; we both did the shut-in thing I think all last summer and then he surprised everyone by going away to school in the fall. I took a moment to check out how hes changed, he too seems to have lost a little weight, not that he was heavy or anything before but now he looked really skinny but in a good way, or maybe that was just his tan making him look leaner (tans tend to do that). He is still tall as ever, probably like six feet, and hes now wearing his dirty blonde hair grown out in a shaggy, floppy way, covering his green eyes. I guess he was thinking the same thing about me because he said more quietly Well look at you all grown up, and when he looked at me, I felt in danger of crying and saw the smile wipe off of his face. He motioned for me come to him and I closed the gap between us to hug him and choked back a sob. He patted my back awkwardly, and let me collect myself before grabbing me by the arms and holding me away from him to scrutinize me.
All better? He asked.

I nodded and sniffled. It was really quite embarrassing seeing as how this is Adams brother and even he

could hold himself together better than I could. What right did I have to cry when he wasnt? That is kind of hypocritical of me to think considering how I feel about other people having just as much right as I do to be sad but whatever. I was never really close with Camp, aside from hanging out with him at Adams; he was always just Adams goofy older brother. I look down at my now even more rumpled outfit and almost start crying again when Camp laughs, Well you cant exactly interview like this can you? I could only imagine how my face looked, it was probably as sweaty and gross as my outfit, and I choked out a laugh too and shake my head. Yeah I would probably start crying if I tried to interview now, or maybe my red eyes would just scare the manager into thinking I was on drugs. Checking his watch Camp said Shes not going to be here for another twenty minutes, how about I let you inside and you can clean up some in the bathroom and Ill crank the A.C so you can cool off?
Ice cream I muttered, staring at my feet. What? He leaned in closer to try to hear me better. Ice

cream, ice cream would cool me off and make me feel better I said a little louder but still toeing the ground and only sneaking peeks at him. He burst out laughing You drive a hard bargain, but all right. Ill even put in a good word for you. I watched him as he unlocked the restaurant; I hadnt realizing I would be interviewing before the restaurant would be open, although thinking about it, I suppose that made sense. I thought I had seen all that this restaurant or, rather shack, had to offer before, but seeing it deserted and with all the lights off now, I realized I had a lot to learn. Camp walked around switching lights on and telling me what to say and what not to say in my interview, before letting me loose to go to the bathroom and clean up. Looking in the mirror I decided my face didnt do that red, blotchy thing too bad like it does when I get a really good cry going. I guess after the last year and some odd months of really crying, to my face, this was nothing. I took a wet paper towel and tried to cool myself off, and only then did I stop to wonder what I was doing here. Should I even want to work here with Camp? I dont want to wait tables all summer and to turn around suddenly and forget for a minute that its not Adam and get all excited to see him, only to be crushed and have to relive his death. Im sure Camp didnt want to come home for the summer to have me thrown in his face all the time either. What is he doing home? That I know of, he didnt come home for any of the breaks during the year that colleges give their students. It was so strange that he went away to school because Adams mom was always getting on him about putting applications in that winter and he always brushed her off saying hed go to community college and that he wanted to stay home. He didnt change his mind until after Adam died. Then it seemed like he couldnt get away fast enough. Realizing I totally spaced-out there, I quickly checked my watch and saw that I had already used up ten minutes and since Camp spent about five minutes showing me around, that left only five minutes to get ready for my interview. Luckily my outfit seemed to have dried out some I thought; this will have to do. I see that Camp has left me a scoop of strawberry ice cream on the counter as promised and smiling I sit down and quickly dig in before the manager gets there. I watch Camp mosey around to different tables, seeming to pick up bottles of ketchup and shake them, and lift glass jars of salt and hold them up to the light

to inspect them and I cant help but giggle. He looks at me questioningly, Wha?
Nothing, nothing, it just looks like youre looking for the answers to lifes questions in those salt shakers.

He smiles a crooked grin at me and Im surprised to feel my stomach flip flop as I start to grin back. Realizing that, I immediately sober and look into my ice cream bowl.
I guess I could say the same about you and that ice cream dish.

So he noticed. My ice cream is all gone and truth be told, I was feeling a lot better and cooled off until about ten seconds ago. Now my cheeks feel like they are flaming and I try to scour the bottom of the bowl for another cooling sip. I cant believe I just grinned at him like, like I wanted to flirt with him or something. It must be that Steller smile I think as I give up on my bowl and push it away from me on the counter. And no, I dont mean like stellar dude I mean Steller is Adam and Camps last name. Growing up that was always a good joke with the guys. Steller soccer player, Steller dude, you killed that wave. Camp pushes my bowl back to me across the counter If youre going to work here, you have to take your own bowls to the kitchen, come on, Ill show you where they go. I realize that I had only seen the front room, and standing in the kitchen I see this is where the magic happens. There were several employees scuttling all around, seeming like they were in a rush for whatever reason, The Shack wasnt even open yet, and I almost got ran over twice by frantic employees. So after showing me the dishwashing station Camp guided me back to the dining area.
Once

you start working here youll quickly learn the route in the kitchen; you swing through one door and think of it as a mini race track: know where youre going ahead of time and go there quickly, and when youre done - speed away quickly, and always watch the floor and the food pickup station because youll either slip on melted ice, or youll take out a server with a full tray, and thats no way to keep the kitchen happy. And a happy kitchen equals free food. He smiles at me again before popping a french fry in his mouth that he got from the employee fry bowl in the kitchen. Its kind of gross sounding, a big bowl of fries that everyone sticks their hands in and shares, but I guess when its lunch time and you dont have time to sit down and eat, there is always time to scarf down a handful of fries before taking out food to one of your tables. And I guess the kitchen would rather you do that than risk you eating them off someones plate. This time I manage to smile back without thinking about Adam and Adams mouth. Or thinking how his Steller smile looked just the same as Adams smile that I miss so much that even looking at it made my heart squeeze. It was probably just because everything he just said sounded really overwhelming and my brain was fried, or because he was eating fries and my eyes were drawn to his mouth which looks so much like Adams, that I was even considering reaching out to touch them and see if they were as soft as Adams.
So you think Ill get the job? I ask unsurely, finally tearing my eyes away from his mouth. Oh yeah, Ill put in a

good word for you, and hey, if you do end up crying in your interview I think that means youre a shoe in, the manager, Audrey, is a sucker for tears.
And you would know this, how?

He shrugs, People cry in here all the time, and it usually resolves itself with a free desert on the house.
Ah I say, thinking

about what a good strategy that is in general, I mean free ice cream sure perked me up

just now.
And

here is our great manager now! Camp runs up to a tiny girl rearranging bottles behind the counter (who knew Shack staff was so bottle preoccupied?) and hugs her. She playfully bats him off and turns to smile at me. Any nerves I had quickly dissipated when she turns her grin on me. She looks barely older than me, and I blink in surprise.
I see

Camp has already shown you around, are you ready to interview? Or did you take care of that too Camp? Is she flirting with him?
Me

and Anna go way back, so run along and fill out her paperwork. He shoos us toward the managers office and surprisingly Audrey complies. Inside the office she laughs at Camps antics one last time before turning serious, Hes really great right? He hasnt really worked here that long but he is great with the customers and the staff. We love a team player, She gushes. I nod and awkwardly shift in my seat.
Well

Im the server manager, so Ill be your supervisor, but of course youll answer to any manager, she rummages through some papers and finds what she is looking for ah, here we go; fill this out and Ill get you on the schedule. Wait, what? I am so surprised I just stare at her. What about my interview? She seems to sense what Im thinking because she laughs This is the restaurant biz, its not rocket science. Its tourist season and we hire everyone that we can since God knows in a few weeks everyone is going to get the summer bug and start flaking out on us; what size shirt are you, a small? I nod and start filling out the tax paperwork she gave me, not sure if I should be excited I just got myself a job, or nervous. Armed with my schedule and a staff t-shirt already smelling of greasy food, I head home, feeling a little bit better than I did this morning about my new job, and my summer in general. After I change out of my stuffy outfit and take up residence on the couch, I finally return Hannahs calls. Shes been calling me since about five after ten, and she knew my interview was at ten this morning. I guess thats how long she thinks interviews are, or more likely, she just forgot. I tell her about getting the job, (she didnt forget) but for some reason I dont mention Camp. Im not sure why I dont tell her, since I know she would love to analyze Camps homecoming and would enjoy trying to persuade me that I dont really need a job especially if Im going to have to look at Camp everyday it cant be good for the healing process, your moms not a monster shed say. I dont start work for three days and Hannah convinces me to go to the beach with very little fuss. She promises to pack a cooler full of sandwiches, fresh veggies, and diet cokes, not that I care, but she said I need to start eating for my skin if Im going to work in that grease pit all summer. Upstairs I search for my bathing suit and when I find it in the back of my closet, still with the tags on, I am reminded of when I bought it last year with Adam.

Bathing suits come out for some reason around January, and while me and Adam were making a day out of going to Target and searching through the Christmas clearance items, we found among the tacky and crazy Santa sweaters, this bathing suit. It was my size, bright yellow, and completely out of place, but Adam begged me to try it on anyways by giving me his puppy face and saying that since it was winter, he was missing seeing all my bare skin. I tried to resist, seeing how it was January and I was extra pale and not sure I remembered to shave, but the Steller smile of course won me over and I tried it on. It fit perfectly, and when we saw that it was on clearance for some reason, he insisted that I buy it. Of course I never got the chance to wear it again, since he died before we made it to the beach. It was the only bathing suit that I had though, since the one from the previous year had pilled up so badly from sitting on the cement wall by the boardwalk nearly every day that I threw it away as soon as summer ended. I decided I better just wear it; Hannah was going to be mad if I called to tell her she had to drive me to get another bathing suit, and I knew her reasoning was sound: Did I throw away ALL my perfectly good clothes from before Adam? I ripped off the tags with quiet resolve and tried it on. Looking at myself in the mirror on my door I let out a breath I hadnt realized I was holding. I guess I was expecting to burst into tears, but I didnt. I look a lot different in it than I did last January I must admit. In that time Ive grown to fill the top out better and my stomach was leaner and longer looking from the misery and despair diet. Id trade all the fat in the world to have Adam back. I look at myself once more before sighing and putting on a pair of cutoff shorts and my cami then kiss my Adam picture and run out of the house before Im late to meet Hannah. I realize its the same tank I wore to the party the other night, but I havent healed that much that I want to start digging through my closet for more buried treasures. As it is, I feel weird wearing this. Like I dont have the right to look this happy, that people are going to look at me and wonder why Im not morose. Its the role Ive played into well for the past year after all and I slip back into it so easily and without thinking, that when I catch myself, I have to force myself out of it. Hannah has beaten me to our spot on the beach I see, but what surprises me is how many people have set up towels around hers. Last time I guess that I came here during the summer, this was our spot because it was just that a local spot that none of the summer tourists wanted anything to do with because it was too far from the boardwalk. It seems the secret is out. I start laying out my beach towel next to her, and she lifts her head to acknowledge me with a grunt. I know Hannah is sun cranky, and I dont say anything. She insists on waiting until her skin is practically on fire before shell jump in the water finally, screaming because, in contrast, the water is so cold. In her present state I know shell snap at anyone who dares talk to her so I lay down and open my book to wait, and smile that some things never seem to change.

Chapter 5

On my first day of work I wake up actually looking forward to it, instead of being paralyzed by fear like I thought I would be. After showering, I spend extra time getting ready, even curling my long and usually stick straight hair before putting it up in the mandatory ponytail, so that its bouncy, and grin at myself in the mirror.

As an afterthought I decide to even put on eyeliner in addition to my mascara. Except for when I was in the deepest of mourning, I always wore mascara; my blonde eyelashes wouldnt allow me to not wear it, or Id look weird. Contrary to what Hannah would have me believe, I dont actually have to wear cuffed socks, thank goodness since I dont own any, Just some good non skid sneakers and low cut socks will do, the manager had said. I look at the clock and realize Im going to have to run if Im going to be on time; turns out spending time getting ready like I used to, takes longer than I remember. I decide as soon as I step out into the heat that I can either run and get there on time but spend five minutes in the bathroom cooling off after I get there, or just walk and show up five minutes late but still reasonably cool. Never a fan of running if I dont have to, I of course choose to walk. Summer is in full swing and there are tons of families crossing to my side of the street any time there is a lull in traffic, bogged down with beach chairs and towels and smelling of sunscreen. I smile at a sticky kid screeching and trying to catch up to its mom and then I realize I hadnt kissed Adams picture goodbye. I pause, bracing myself for the impending panic attack, and breathe deeply, focusing on the sea air, and I realize after a minute that Im not going to panic. I wonder if I should turn around and go back home and kiss the picture as is tradition when I leave the house, but after looking at my watch I decide I really really dont have time and I start walking to work again a little more quickly this time. I almost change my mind and go back home several times but I know that if I dont keep this job, its off to the Stop N Go for me, and I dont really want to be ringing up tired and cranky tourists for their Big Slurps when its over one hundred degrees and the air conditioner is broken. So I send up a silent apology to Adam and plaster on a smile for the Snack Shack. Im scheduled for ten-thirty this morning, so I dont have any time before the restaurant opens to get into the swing of things. Audrey pairs me up with another server, Lisa, to learn the ropes, but business is slow until lunch time so we mostly just sit around and eat the french fries Lisa has the kitchen make us for the bowl. Truthfully I think she might have scared them into making us anything we wanted, shes pretty intimidating looking, and Im surprised they let her around customers but maybe she frightens them into tipping her good. Shes petite but is obviously embracing the whole gothic or vampire culture look, shes got short pixie like black hair, and her nails are always black. She doesnt have much liberty with being unique in her outfit but her server book (where we keep all of our tables orders and junk like that) has band stickers all over it, and she wears a chain around her jean shorts as a belt. Oh yeah, and of course plenty of smudgy black eye makeup. I wonder if she even has to wash it all off every night; it doesnt look like it. Regardless of how she got the food, the perks of working here are already proving to be pretty good, since the fries are free and unless Camp was sneaking it that one time, ice cream is free too. But by noon I change my mind about the perks of this place, since Lisa just throws me to the wolves (hungry ones) pretty much, by letting me take care of my own tables. She tells me point blank that we work on tips and sharing tips for a day with me is just not in her future, so shell take half the tables and Ill take half, and shell help me input anything I dont understand into the computer but she gets half my tips for that agreement. Her cold look didnt leave any room for argument and anyways I saw the computer, and it was touch screen with pictures of the food so it shouldnt be that hard - hamburger picture for hamburger, ice cream for ice cream, etc. Twenty minutes into the rush however, I realized I was going to have to give Lisa all my tips (mostly because she told me that several times while she was helping me). The computer was too greasy to accept my frustrated taps to input anything, and I was pushing the kid

hamburger button with increasing strength trying to get it to take when Camp showed up behind me and squeezed my shoulder. I jumped, and he laughed, Hey, play nice, you just have to knuckle it in the sweet spot like this. He knuckled it ever so gently in the upper left corner and I had a small hamburger on order. I smiled up at him in gratitude as he slipped his Snack Shack t-shirt over a plain white undershirt, and I got a whiff of his laundry detergent. It smelled so good amongst all this greasy food that I wanted to lean in closer and smell him again, but I managed to refrain.
Yeah well I guess my trainer forgot to mention that I muttered under my breath, while inputting the rest of my

tables order.
Aww who do they have training you today? He looked around the dining room, Lisa? He looked at me for

confirmation and sucked in a breath Ouch, next time you need help, just ask me, shes a little cranky because well, shes Lisa, she doesnt need a reason. I laughed a little loudly and my table looked over at me, probably irritated that I still hadnt gotten their sodas to them yet. I pushed past Camp, suddenly not in the mood to joke around. Turns out there was an end to the lunch rush and by 3:30 I was sitting out back by the dumpsters massaging my sore feet and wondering how I was going to get through the rest of the summer when my feet were already blistering and an angry red color from the abuse of standing on them all day and in sneakers, not flip-flops. It occurred to me that if I just worked here long enough to get my car fixed, then I could get a job somewhere better, like maybe as a receptionist somewhere, where I could sit most of the day and with my feet hidden under the desk I could even probably wear flip flops. That thought excited me enough to go back inside and finish my shift with new vigor. Thinking about how awful Lisa was at teaching me anything, I wondered on my walk home why I was put with her as a trainee and not Camp, the manager already knew we knew each other, it seems like it would be the friendly or easy thing to do, to pair me with him. Maybe today wouldnt have been so bad if I could have heard his easy laugh every time I got frustrated, or seen his Steller smile every time I walked away from a table sure I had their order memorized, only to forget it and have to walk sheepishly back to ask again. Maybe he requested not to work with me, maybe he thought it would be too hard, but then why would he have recommended me to the manager? Maybe she really did have a crush on him and didnt want him being too chummy with me, which would be really great for him, someone to make him want to come home next year during the school breaks. Im sure his parents would love for him to come home for Christmas. It wasnt right, him up and leaving them, I thought, walking faster as I got agitated about the very idea of him just abandoning everyone when they needed him most.

Chapter 6

I guess there might have been something to Lisas training technique after all because after a week of

working the lunch rush with her, having to fork over enough of my tips to make me nearly cry each time, I was sitting out back after a particularly brutal shift when she come outside to smoke a cigarette.
I

was getting used to you supplementing my income last week she said before pausing to light her cigarette.
Getting

used to? I shifted, so that her cigarette smoke didnt blow right in my face, which she apparently saw, and rolled her eyes and made a big show of fanning the air around her.
Yeah,

you didnt need my help once today, or have you started going to Camp for help instead? She squinted at me, whether to see me through her smoke cloud or to gauge whether I was lying, Im not sure.
N-

No, I havent gone to Camp. You didnt help me today? I tried to remember as I pulled my little black server book out of my apron excitedly. Looking through it with almost shaking hands, I thought back quickly to all my tables, and tried to think if Id asked her for help. Suddenly my face fell, Wait, what about that strawberry milkshake I couldnt input? She shook her head and took another long and exaggerated drag off of her cigarette, Nope, that was yesterday, today Ive been waiting and you havent come. You even input that cheeseburger ok while I was standing there, the one where the person wanted their jalapeo poppers appetizers just put on top of the burger. At that memory I laughed, Oh my gosh dude, that guy was so nuts! I was like why cant you just put them on, but he insisted theyd get cold. I shook my head, that was really hard to put in, and then to go into the kitchen! I thought that line cook was going to grill my head, trying to get all those poppers to stay on the burger. By now we were both laughing, and Lisa flicked her cigarette across the parking lot before sitting down next to me and nudging me with her shoulder, Well go ahead, lets see how much you made in tips today. Your first real day. I regarded her for a moment, she seemed genuinely happy for me. I decided maybe Id been too hard on her; I hadnt taken any time to get to know her after all, except that she was in college and staying here for the summer, and had done the same thing, and worked here, last summer too.
Sixty

five bones! Lisa said, after we finished counting out my tips, Not bad, not bad at all, young grasshopper, you learned from the best! she declared proudly. I scoffed visibly and she stopped preening and raised her eyebrows in question.
No,

nothing, nothing at all! I laughed, putting both my hands up in surrender and put on my most innocent face.

My days were going by in a blur between working and beading at night, and keeping up with Hannah, and even though I was more careful to kiss Adams picture before I left the house now after that one panicked time, I realized I was feeling the pain of him being gone less. Nobody at work seems to know about what happened or if they knew, they didnt bring it up. A lot of the kids Hannah and I hang around on the beach have come to The Shack to eat and seen me working, so they see me trying to be normal and they seem to not be giving me as wide of a berth when they see me at Jerrys bonfires anymore. Sometimes people will even joke around with me, or offer to make me smores.

I still havent told Hannah about working with Camp but it doesnt seem like Im going to be able to keep it from her much longer because Im standing at the hostess stand looking at my assigned tables for the day, when I see her walking up to the front door with Riley.
Hey

babe, she says as we quickly hug, I am such a bad friend for not coming here to eat while youre working sooner, but she shrugged weakly.
Please,

like I needed you coming here and laughing at me in this outfit anyways, I brushed it off. I was happy that she came, but unsure if I remembered seeing Camps name on the seating chart for today, he liked to come in at the last possible second, and Hannah was our first customer of the day. I showed them to the most hidden table in my section, but Hannah looked at it and then around the empty restaurant.
Seriously Anna,

She laughed, were the only people here, or do you not have any tables in your section that arent next to the bathrooms? I rolled my eyes, Kidding dude, just pick out of these five tables, these are mine. I pointed at them and her and Riley chose and since there werent any other customers yet, I sat at the table with them.
So

fourth of July at Jerrys, have you heard they got The Lazy Monkeys to play there? Hannah gushed eagerly at me.
No, I dont even know who

that is I look back and forth between them, while they exchange equal looks of

horror.
Anna,

Hannah groans, weve gone over this, that screaming band that Rileys cousin knows from out of town? She proceeds to try to whisper scream some of the words to the tune of whatever that one song is that she and Riley are always playing. When I nod that yes I remember them now, she looks at Riley with admiration that he could pull off something like this. I stand up because I hear the front door open and I dont want to be caught sitting by any customers, not that theyd really care I guess but Hannah quickly lets me know that its not a customer who just walked in.
Oh my God!

Anna dont turn around, Camp Steller is here!! She manages to say this quietly enough that when I do in fact turn to look at Camp he grins over at me and waves and continues back to the kitchen (aka, not quietly at all). I turn around to Hannah slowly, biting my lip.
He works here? She hissed; clearly outraged that this wasnt something I felt the need to tell her.

I picked up the salt shaker and shook it around, holding it up to the light to examine. Great, I could hear her quietly sobbing and Riley trying to comfort her. I wasnt sure Id prefer a crying Hannah to a hissing mad Hannah and I wondered if free ice cream would cheer her up. I doubted it, so I pulled out the seat I had just vacated and sat down, sighing loudly. I stopped though when I heard why Hannah was crying. He just, he looks so much like him, she was crying into Rileys shoulder. I thought she was crying that I kept it from her. Im so selfish and such a bad friend, of course shes upset at his resemblance to Adam. I reach across to rub her shoulder, Hannah, its ok, I thought that the first time I saw him too, but Ive been working with him and they arent really anything alike.
You, youve been working with him and you didnt think that was something you should tell me? I would have

talked you out of working here, thats what best friends are for, you must be hurting so badly and I didnt even know she sniffed into a napkin, eyeing me warily.
Thats

exactly why I didnt tell you, I can handle it, Ive been handling it five days a week now, and really I

hardly even talk to him, we stay so busy, that I dont even have time to think about it. I stand up and come around to her side of the table to give her a hug, and see that customers are in fact starting to trickle in so I put on my overly enthusiastic face and offer to take their drink order. My acting like Im in a position of authority works and Hannah smiles. The rest of their lunch goes without a hitch, aside from Camp asking me while Im waiting for him to ring in his order so I can use the computer, why the girl at my table keeps staring at him and looking like shes about to cry. I put my hand on his to make him stop putting in his order and after he turns to me I ask, Do you seriously not know? He furrows his brow, Well she does look familiar, but I dont think Ive dated her I elbowed him and giggled before glancing at Hannahs table to see her watching us bug eyed, and I got serious Actually Camp, its because she thought I mean, from a distance I guess, you she thinks you look like Adam. He looked like I stunned him for a second. He looked at Hannah who was still staring at us, and then back at me before saying quietly Well Ill take that as a compliment. He raked his hands through his hair, and turned back to his computer to put in his order. I couldnt help but notice that his hair had grown a lot since we started working together, I dont think hes gotten a haircut, how long has it been, like a month now? Im trying to figure it out and as I wait for my turn for the computer, I space out looking at it. Lisa clears her throat audibly and I snap out of it and see that Camp is gone and Im just blocking the computer. Sorry Lisa, you go first I look down at notepad where Ive written the order for my table, to reorient myself with it since Ive forgotten what they ordered, and also to hide my blush.
Uh-huh,

seems like you were distracted with Goldilocks She nodded in the direction of Camp who was back at a table now. His hair is pretty hot, but its bad business to get involved with a coworker, everyone knows that she glanced at me before turning back to the computer and expertly keying in her order.
Oh, its not like that, I stutter. Isnt it? You guys are always goo-goo eying each other behind each others backs, tripping over yourselves

to keep away from each other, but watching each other from afar. She clasped her hands together mockingly, its so dreamy! Camp watches me? I looked up to try to locate him again and he was walking towards us smiling.
Told

you so Lisa said out of the corner of her mouth, before snapping her black server book shut and moving to let me use the computer. I put my order in with shaking hands and forced what shed said out of my head for now. I had to, it was getting near the lunch rush hour and I already had Hannah here to entertain.

Chapter 7

Hannah mentions at Jerrys that evening that Camp got hot. She looked around guiltily before she said it, to make sure Riley couldnt hear us but he was still off getting us drinks.
I mean, like, at first he

looks like Adam but then just watching him I realized they dont really look that much alike, and has he always been so cut? And that hair!
I havent noticed, I lie, making

designs with my feet in the sand, and more importantly, when am I going to get those flip flops back, or have you forgotten they are mine? I touch her foot with mine to get her attention on the purple flip flops I loaned her at the beginning of the summer. She laughs, Anna, these have formed to my feet now, and look here, She brings a foot up onto her chair and points at a purple glittery strap, I got fingernail polish on it, right there see it? I strain to lean in to see it but dont. Riley comes back then, having a difficult time juggling three drinks so she jumps up to help and she is saved from having to answer about my flip flops. Im just grateful I distracted her from talking too much about Camp.

Chapter 8

On the weekend of the 4 of July there is a festival down at the beach with crafts and food, so the restaurant is
pretty deserted despite the additional holiday weekend tourists. Lisa tells us the only chance we have of making decent tips is if it starts to rain, and since the forecast is clear for the long weekend, the kitchen manager Bruce who is working today tells us we can fight over who can leave. Lisa looks pretty excited about meeting her friends down at the festival so I shoo her out of the door and settle myself into one of the stools at the ice cream bar to watch TV and wait for customers. After two bowls of brain numbing ice cream (or is that the daytime television?), Camp takes the stool next to me. I told everyone else to get out of here, Bruce said we can close at six today unless you know, we get a surge of customers. I look around dumbly, brain still frozen, and confirm that yes we are the only ones in the dining room. Camp sees the confused look on my face and jumps over the counter laughing, Youre spacing out over there pretty hard, what is this, Judge Judy? Its no wonder; here lets find something better . Ah, cartoons, yes!
Hey, I was watching that I sputter halfheartedly, and reaching across the counter for the remote. Its a holiday, he deadpanned, fixing me with those gorgeous green eyes, court is not in session.

I laughed at his mock serious tone but didnt stop trying to grab the remote across the counter, I dont know what came over me, maybe my brain came out of its freeze too fast, but I was pretty sure I was flirting with him and he was laughing and trying to keep the remote from me, and seemingly flirting back. Not that it was hard to keep the remote

from me across the counter, and eventually I gave up, and flopped back onto my stool to watch some cartoon Id never seen. When he was convinced we had a truce, he scooped me more ice cream and made himself a monster of a bowl, it had to at least have seven scoops in it, and came back around and sat next to me watching TV in silence. Every now and then hed turn to the door as if he thought he heard people coming, and then turn back around sighing into his bowl.
Hey, remember how Adam always made us watch the hunting channel? I laugh, remembering how ridiculous it was. Oh yeah! And he never went hunting, ever, he didnt even have a desire to go, I could never figure out if he was just

trying to gross me out or irritate me or what he was thinking. Camp shuddered at the thought of all the fleshy animals wed seen over the years I guess, but laughed with me.
Yeah and hed get a big old knife from the kitchen and pretend to follow along with their precision cutting up of

whatever animal they had just killed, and if you tried to talk to him hed aim the knife at you warningly, he was such a trip. Now were both laughing hard remembering our Adam. After a minute or so we both stop laughing and sit there in silence in our own memories. I break the silence first, So how are you really doing with it Camp? At first he tries to brush me off, that hes great but I remind him its me hes talking to, and he seems resigned and nods Yeah, your right, I guess Im ok now, but I wasnt doing too good for awhile, thats why I didnt come home, I couldnt deal with my parents grief, feeling like theyd rather it be me, and looking at me for answers I didnt have. I put my hand on his arm and squeezed, but didnt say anything. I didnt need to, I felt like he was the one person who could understand how I felt through all this.
You should come by and visit my parents sometime, I know theyd be really happy to see you theyve asked about

you, and they dont get many visitors lately. Camp said this nonchalantly, but didnt take his eyes off the cereal commercial on the TV and I could see his body was tense, waiting for my reply. I shrugged, uncomfortable at the idea of seeing Adams parents, not that I dont have anything to say to them but uncomfortable at the idea of actually going to Adams house again, and of walking in front door where hed always leave his gym bag waiting so that he could go play soccer at a moments notice.
Yeah, yeah! He said again, this time with more enthusiasm, Tonight were closing up here at six so since well be

out of here early, its perfect, you can come after work.
Oh, well um, my car isnt working right now, so Im hoofing it and your house is kind of far, but maybe another time. Really? He scrunches up his face and looks at me, whats wrong with it? I dont know actually, it was making these weird clicking noises when I was driving it and it just broke down on me too

many times to be reliable, my insurance company said they wouldnt pay for any more tows. He shrugs, OK so Ill take you home and look at your car while you change out of your work clothes and well ride there together. I couldnt argue with that logic, and I really could use someone I trusted to tell me whats wrong with my car so that a mechanic couldnt try to take me for a ride. That was part of the reason I hadnt taken it to get looked at by someone now that I was making money, I didnt trust anyone, I mean you hear these horror stories about mechanics and how they will tell you that your steering goober gopper needs replacing, when thats not an actual part, or maybe it is a real part but its not even broken, and I just dont know enough to not be like yeah ok, sure whatever how much?, so still it sits in my driveway, collecting dust. I give him a tentative smile, Thanks Camp, I would really appreciate that, but are you sure Im not keeping you from anything, like checking out the festival? He shakes his head fiercely, Nope, and like I said, my parents will be really happy to see you, in fact, let me call them right now and make sure theyll be there, not that they go anywhere anymore but you never know.

Chapter 9

The car ride to my house was kind of awkward I think, after I shower and peek out the window to see Camp still under the hood of my car, but how could it not be? I think we both realized it on the way to my house and we were both silent until we pulled in my driveway and he asked me for my car key and told me to go take a shower and get ready. I was relieved Id have time for a shower, I didnt want the first time Id seen Adams parents in over a year to be with me smelling like The Shack, because even if I changed out of my work clothes, the smell and the shine from the grease still clung to my pores and my hair. After getting ready and kissing Adams picture goodbye, I grab two water bottles out of the fridge for us and run outside to see how Camp is coming on my car. I toss him a water bottle, Well? Is it hopeless? I look under the hood and of course, nothing under there means anything to me, but I think it looks dirtier than it should. I look back at him expectantly. He wont meet my eyes and rubs the back of his neck making me wonder what the bad news is. Its not hopeless, Im just not done yet. He grins and shows me his dirty palms, mind if I wash my hands before we get going? I back away as if hes going to touch me with them, No, lets go in and then Ill lock up.

On the way to Adams, or Camps house now I guess, I started to panic about seeing his parents and being in his house without Adam there. I tried to regulate my breathing without being obvious but that just made it worse, and Camp was giving me funny looks when I reached up to sniff his car air freshener, and when I took it off the rearview mirror to inhale it deeply, he actually pulled over and came around to my side of the car and opened the door. I got out and bent over at the waist feeling embarrassed but a lot better being outside. One part of my brain registered that he was digging around in his trunk. I saw his shoes approach me, and then he kneeled down and moved my hair which I was wearing down, out of the way so he could see my face. He stuck a bottle of cologne under my nose and I eyed him gratefully. Eww though, he uses coconut cologne? I was starting to reconsider thinking he was cute, he obviously has some weird beach boy fetish. Those distracting thoughts and smells though made me forget my breathing for a few minutes and I was able to stand upright again. He looked at me and half smiled, OK now? My face was bright red and my eyes burned with embarrassment so I looked away and nodded. To my surprise he reached out with his pointer finger and turned my face back to him, Its ok, I used to have panic attacks as a kid, I grew out of them but, he shrugged again, looking for what else to say they are common enough, is this a new thing since Adam? I nodded and he sighed and took his finger off my chin. After he did, I ached for him to put it back, and then I regretted that thought immediately, I was going to Adams house, to see Adams parents, I shouldnt be here wanting his older brother to comfort me. Back in the car he told me about his panic attacks as a kid and how he grew out of them, and how he used to have to be distracted too, but that smells werent important to him, but in his parents research, they thought smelling something might make him better so they used to stick things under his nose until he finally screamed at them one time to stop.
Coconut though Camp? Whats wrong with coconut? He looked hurt. I dunno, its a little

It was the only car fragrance they had left besides something berry scented and besides, it reminds me of home

when Im at school.
Car scented? I thought that was your cologne.

He looked at me disgustedly, Eww seriously Anna? He shook his head, What do you think I am, a girl? I seemed to have ruffled his feathers, and he assured me repeatedly that it was air freshener for his car. I was having such a good time teasing him about it I didnt register us pulling onto their street until we were in their driveway. I gulped and looked at the house without making a move to open my car door. Camp reached over and took my hand and squeezed it, and I looked down at our hands clasped together in my lap, before looking at him. His eyes were flickering back and forth across my face, as if trying to read me, and when his eyes met mine and then stayed there, my breath hitched and I felt myself licking my lips and I didnt quite manage to close my mouth all the way afterwards. As if I was waiting for him to close the gap between us. That thought registered in me, leaving me shocked at myself, and at the same time that I broke away from his gaze he pulled his hand back like mine was on fire. I blushed crimson; great he was trying to comfort me and give me support and encouragement to face his parents and his house and I looked at him like I was waiting for him to kiss me, he probably thinks I am so disgusting, his brothers girlfriend trying to make a move on him. Not to mention Im a baby to him. I know hes only like a year and a half older than me but hes in a college and Im still in high school. Growing up he always let us know that we were too young to really hang out with. I open my door and walk up to the house, hearing Camp close his car door behind me. I dont pause to wait for him or turn around to look at him, afraid I might cry from embarrassment and frustration if I do. The Stellers open the door before we even get to it, his mom, Dana rushes to hug me, and I breathe in her familiar smell, smiling. When she pulls back, I see Darren, her husband, standing back awkwardly but smiling too and I run over and give him a hug too. I never made a habit of hugging Adams parents in the past, but it feels good being here with them, and I guess it feels like we are closer than ever in a way. Dana puts her arm through mine and leads me into the house chattering the whole time about dinner, and Im grateful because as she pulls me through the front door and into the kitchen, I dont have time to stop and really look around, I dont have time to notice Adams gym bag isnt by the door, or that the house is cleaner with one less messy boy, that hes not bounding loudly down the stairs to meet me, or that Dana doesnt have to snap at him to turn the radio down since they have a guest now. I didnt used to feel like a guest in this house, I was just as comfortable cooking in the kitchen as I was answering the door for guests and offering them something to drink. Now the kitchen feels foreign to me and Dana insists I sit before asking what Id like to drink. She gets me sweet tea, at least thats something that they still have - that familiar sticky pitcher - and I smile. That was never Adams drink though, that was Camps, and hed always yell when Id finish off the pitcher, since Id never make tea to refill it. Id only make it after hed come looking for me, threatening to pull my toes until they cracked. Im not much for cussing but that shit hurts. Dinner smells delicious, that was always something to look forward to at Adams: meals. His mom didnt work, she was a stay at home mom, and while that was annoying when we wanted private time, she didnt disappoint when it was time to eat, and tonight was no exception. She had made her amazing meat loaf and I couldnt help but wonder if she remembered that it was my favorite. When she put my salad bowl in front of my place when she was setting the table though, I realized that she did remember, because mine was the only bowl that didnt have olives, and touched by her kindness I smiled to myself sadly. My gaze kept flickering to Adams empty place, but when we all held hands and Darren said the prayer before dinner, he asked God to keep Adam safe for us, and that he hoped Adam had something to eat in Heaven that he enjoyed as much as Anna loves his moms meatloaf, and we all laughed. Camp squeezed my hand at the end of the prayer before letting go, but so did Dana, who was holding my other hand so I didnt think much of it. Darrens prayer seemed to really lift everyones spirits and Adams empty seat didnt seem as sad after that, his dad had always had a gift with words. Dana seemed really happy to have company and though she isnt a mess like Camp made her out to be, I can see shes aged a lot. Darren was never one to talk a lot but both are smiling and engaging me in conversation. Dana wants to know all about my school year and even asks how Hannah is doing. I guess she hasnt been able to keep up with Adams gang of friends this year, and I vow to spend more time here. Dana is exactly what Id want in a mom, and Id told Adam how lucky he was many times.

Camp doesnt talk much during dinner but that might be because hes shoveling food in his mouth like he didnt just eat at least seven scoops of ice cream at The Shack, and french fries, and who knows what else he was sneaking from the kitchen. I cant get him to make eye contact with me either, but its not for lack of trying, and Dana notices me continually glancing over there and laughs that hes been eating like this all summer, and that she guesses he misses home cooking while hes at school even if he says he doesnt, and its a wonder he hasnt gained any weight. I cant help but think of the ice cream and everything I saw him eat today but decide against telling her that he seems to eat that much even when its not home cooking. After helping Dana clean up the kitchen, Camp says he should probably take me home, so I say my goodbyes, and take one last look up the stairs. I wonder what theyve done with Adams room, if theyve left it the same or if theyve turned it into a gym or library or something. On the ride home, this song I love, Silver and Cold by AFI comes on but Camp changes the station almost immediately and when I try to turn the station back saying I love that song, he blocks the radio with his hand. I laugh, No seriously Camp, pleeaassee, I really like this song, come on hurry up, its almost over, let me change it. I try to reach for the dial again and he grabs my hand this time to stop me. Seriously? Now Im annoyed, and I slump back into the seat and yank my hand out of his, staring out of the window. We sit in silence for a few minutes and then Camp clears his throat and turns the radio down, I made a playlist to listen to after Adam I know its stupid but that song was on it and now I cant listen to any song off that playlist without getting into that mood I was in at that time, and thats just not a place I wanted to go to again tonight, tonight was so great, but I think I kind of went there anyways.
Oh wow I say turning in my seat to face him, Im so sorry Camp, I thought you were just playing around at first, then

I thought you were being,... well I dont know what I thought you were doing but Im sorry, I didnt know. He nods, Yeah I know, thats why I told you, Im sorry.
I made a playlist too and I dont listen to it anymore because it hurts too much, so I understand what you mean, AFI

though? Really? I mean I guess I can see that, if I try really, really hard, I laugh. He shakes his head, You kids these days have no appreciation of music but I can tell his mood is lightened so I tease him some more, Appreciate?! I sputter, I just said I love that song, I just cant imagine putting it on a playlist to remember Adam by or be depressed to.
Oh and let me guess, your playlist is all Miley Cyrus and depressing country songs? He scoffs. Miley give me some credit, not that I have anything against Miley, but no, Kaluha Cranium is a little deeper than

that.
Kaluha what? He asks confused. Oh, um thats what I named my playlist. I hold my head up high and dare him to challenge my playlist name as

being subpar or stupid but he doesnt. Dana didnt mind if wed drink a little bit if we were staying in, and so after dinner sometimes we would drink Kaluha while we were playing that board game Cranium, I guess I wanted to name the playlist something upbeat. I thought about naming it Before Adam, or After Adam, or Making Love in a Tree Fort, but Kaluha Cranium reminded me of evenings spent as part of Adams family, sprawled out in their living room, and watching Adam try to silently act out clues for whoever his teammate was. When it was me I just laughed at him too much to get any of the answers right for us to advance, and when it was Camp, Camp always yelled at him for being a bad actor, while I laughed at them both, and they didnt get any points then either. Camp breaks my train of thought by asking Wheres your mom? I look up at my dark house and notice that he hasnt asked where my dad is and realize with a pang that hes not just any boy, hes been in my life a long time, through Adam, but still. I tell him with a sigh She has a new boyfriend and is never home anymore. Im grateful that he doesnt say anything about that, I guess he knows enough about my moms habits to not expect anything different, and instead he just opens his door and tells me gruffly that since there isnt a light on outside, hell walk me to the door. I put my hand on his arm to stop him, since that seems a little too date-like for me and he seems to come to the same conclusion because he puts his feet back in his car and instead flicks his high-beams on my front door and grins at me.

I smile back Thanks for suggesting tonight, I really needed it, although I guess I wasnt brave enough to go on my own, but now Im going to make sure to go visit them a lot more, especially during the school year; your mom seemed really sad that she was out of the loop of the happenings at school and about how everyone is doing. He nodded, Yeah, I cant blame you for not being brave enough, Im their son and I couldnt even come home from school for Christmas.
Well maybe that will change next year I say quietly, looking at the peeling paint on the front of my house, all lit up by

his bright headlights.

Well hey, he says, changing the subject, Ive gotta come back with more tools and work on your car, but I obviously

cant tonight since its dark out.

I pull out my phone when I get in and realize my phone is dead, so I charge it while I take my makeup off. I have two missed voicemails from Hannah so I call her back, and Hannah can tell something is up, and demands to know why Im so happy. I laugh Hannah what are you talking about, Im not allowed to be in a good mood? She replies Anna, your never happy. Youre just kind of blah, not that I dont still love you, its just who you are these days. I take offense to that but blow it off. It must just be that I had an easy day at work which was nice and they let us out early.
Wait you got out early and you didnt come to the festival? Now its Hannahs turn to sound offended since I knew

she was going to be there with everyone and she was disappointed that I said I couldnt go since I had to work.
Well, then Camp decided to check out my car for me if I went to dinner at his parents.

Hannah says Whoa hold up, repeat? You went to see Adams parents with Camp? She whistles. I hear talking in the background and Hannah repeats what she just said to me. Bristling with embarrassment I say Riley is there with you? Dont tell him it was like that Hannah, it wasnt like that.
Oh calm down, hes not saying anything bad but do you think he like, likes you? God Hannah, no, of course not. I dont bother telling her Im worried that I might be falling for him, and tell myself

that its ok that I didnt tell her because she didnt ask.
OK, Im just checking because that would be really inappropriate and I know you have it hard enough as it is with

everyone at school, imagine if you got together with him, then youd be like a social leper or something.
Yeah, its not like that, we just work together anyways, you called? I feel bad that I cant disguise the annoyance in

my voice.
I just wanted to see if you wanted to go to a movie with us but Riley says someone texted him that it was sold out so

were just gonna go to Jerrys do you want to meet us?

No, Im just going to bed I have to work early. Fine but dont pull that shit again tomorrow, you better come to Jerrys, dont forget The Lazy Monkeys are playing

there. After we get off the phone awkwardly I feel guilty snapping at Hannah who was just trying to look out for me and I feel even worse for having such a great time with Adams family when hes not here to enjoy them, which makes me think about how my stomach flip flops whenever Im around Camp, like tonight at dinner, or on the car ride home afterwards, which makes me feel even worse, so realizing my good mood is ruined, I put on Kaluha Cranium and get in bed to stare at the ceiling and allow myself to be taken to sleep by tears of loneliness.

The next day at work Camp is visibly cheery and happy to be around me and even says he has a surprise for me which Im scared to see because what if he likes me like that now. Its bad enough that I think I might like him; us liking each other but not being able to do anything about it would be torture. Stupid Hannah putting these ideas in my head and making me super aware of Camp now; like I notice that he comes into work a little earlier than usual, and that hes whistling and helps me do my prep work. He doesnt even get discouraged when I dont talk to him while were setting up for the day, and even presents me with a bowl of strawberry ice cream to eat for breakfast. I ask, relieved, This is my surprise? He laughs, No, your surprise is much better than ice cream. Thats what I was afraid of; however, I never turn down free ice cream as a rule so I sit down and rush through it before we officially open for the day. He wont tell me what my surprise is until the end of the day and the anticipation is killing me, though I feel my dread mounting by the hour also and I wrack my brain all day trying to figure out what the gift could possibly be. Hes never paid me any unusual amount of attention at work; if he flirts with anyone its Audrey and he even tries to get Lisa to smile sometimes, but me, Ive always just been a coworker, a pal, until today. Lisa notices, and corners me in the bathroom, What happened after I left you guys here yesterday? Did you guys make out in the walk-in?
Ugh, no! Then what happened because hes following you around like a puppy dog today, and Im pretty sure he was even

whistling earlier, wait, what is that on your neck? Is that a hickey?! She reaches in to get a closer look and even I panic and look in the mirror. No hickey of course, just the creeping red hives of embarrassment starting up my neck. I swat her away, Lisa move, my table is waiting for their mussels, they are probably up. I try to step around her but she blocks me easily.
Oooo my muscles, she puts extra emphasis on muscles and continues, while flexing hers, I bet I know someone

who will give you their muscles if they havent already. She waggles her eyebrows at me suggestively but also I note, questioningly.
Lisa youre sick, hes my dead boyfriends brother. This time I shocked her silent and she moved to the side and let

me pass quietly. For the rest of the afternoon I couldnt help but notice Lisas curious gaze on us, and even though I thought Camp was really cute when I saw hed drawn me a smiley face in ketchup on one of my tables, I tried to avoid doing anything to encourage his hanging around me. After my last table had gone and I was getting ready to leave, he caught up with me outside. He bounced on his heels excitedly (and adorably) with his hands behind his back and gave me a Steller grin, Close your eyes.
Camp, I dont want to play. It sounded weak even to my own ears; I was dying to know what he got me even if I was

dreading it.
Oh come on, just do it, for me? He turned on the puppy eyes and I sighed and closed my eyes and held out my

cupped hands. He dropped something into them and I opened my eyes, excited and grinning. My grin quickly faded though then I saw a blue flash drive in my hand and I held it up to look at it. Two gigs er, thanks Camp! I tried to make myself sound enthusiastic and grateful but really - what the hell. He rolled his eyes Its my playlist for Adam you know? I couldnt figure out how to make the name of the playlist stick so just name it Thicker than Water when you put the songs on your computer, thats what its called.
Oh geez! Wow Camp thanks, I said, my eyes bulging out of my head now at the flash drive. This is better than

anything I could have imagined, thank you so much. He laughed, You should have seen your face when you thought I gave you a flash drive as a present. Thats the face I make when my grandma hands me the box with one of her famous homemade sweaters every Christmas, not that she can see the look on my face anyways. I laugh with him, remembering those sweaters Adam and Camp would be wearing on Christmas when I came over to

exchange presents with the Stellers; they would hide in the dining room and take turns scratching each other, and Id help them since I had fingernails and they were both in such distress, Yeah well she just needs new glasses.
Are you kidding me? She needs new eyes Anna, actually no, because then she might see me breaking out in the

hives from scratching so much. We both grin at each other, and he opens his arms and instinctively I go into them for a hug. I breathe him in, and hope that Im not being obvious, but I cant smell anything past the greasy Shack shirt. I only come up to his chest and he rests his chin on my head, Im so glad we both ended up working here this summer Anna, youve helped me so much. I pull back and he lets me go, How have I helped you? Aside from dinner last night we havent even really hung out at all.
No, Ive seen how strong youve been and I dont know, its just really inspired me. Whenever a customer that

recognizes me that I havent seen since before I left says something to me about it and I want to break down, or yell at them to shut up and leave me alone while Im working, I just look over at you and your always smiling at your table, no matter how many bratty kids, or adults for that matter, that they have with them, and it just gives me strength. If it werent for you I probably would have quit a long time ago. Im too shocked to reply as this revelation and if I should just take it at face value or look deeper into for hidden meanings so I just look at him. I see a bead of sweat work its way down to that groove above his lip and sit there glistening and unintentionally I lick mine before catching myself. I gulp and look away at the ground, the moment broken. I see movement over by the dumpster and look to see Lisa standing over there smoking a cigarette, but when she sees me looking, she turns away quickly.
Well, I better get going, thanks for this playlist; I cant wait to hear it.

He stops me with No wait, ill drive you home and I can look at your car, I brought my tools and Im done here too, I just have to go in and tell Audrey Im leaving.
Well its just I have to go to this bonfire tonight with Hannah for the 4 of July and I need to shower before I leave to meet

her there so.

Jerrys bonfire? That guy that has the band lined up? I nod and he continues, Yeah, I was invited to that too, I wasnt going to go but if

youre going, Ill just drive you there after I take a look at the car.
Really? Now Im actually excited, I wont have to show up alone, and I wait while he runs inside.

After he looks at my car, he is a lot dirtier than either of us expected, so surprising even myself I tell him he can use my shower, and that I have some of Adams old t shirts he can wear. Its either that or he goes home to shower and then Ill be late and Hannah will be mad if I wait for him, so he doesnt really have a choice; I can tell he doesnt want to show up at the party by himself just as much as I dont want to. We go upstairs and I dig through my closet until I find one of Adams shirts that Camp says he thinks will fit him, and awkwardly he points to the bathroom. This frilly pink thing? I laugh, You have a problem with my bathroom? I push past him to get him a towel and make sure the bathroom is mostly clean and leave him to it. I hear him click the door locked behind him and start the water. I cant help but to be slightly distracted by the idea of him in there, but I force myself to stop and try to find something else to distract me. I realize I should I load his playlist of Adams onto my computer and at the last second decide to put my playlist Kaluha Cranium onto his flash drive to give back to him. When he gets out of the shower Im halted by how similar he looks to Adam in that shirt, its clinging to his chest because he didnt dry off completely. He sees me looking and awkwardly pulls at it. Yeah, I guess its a little small on me. I shake my head, unable to speak and give him the flash drive as we get ready to leave. We decide to just walk to the beach party from my house, since its a nice evening and finding parking down there would most likely be impossible and take longer than just walking. On the way to the party I remember the Valentines Day that Adam surprised me with a picnic on the beach near my house where were walking now. He made me walk all the way there with a blindfold on, and when we got there I could hear him whispering to someone, and giggling, I pulled my blindfold off to see. It was Camp standing there with him. Awkwardly he left and Adam told me he had to beg Camp to watch the picnic setup on the beach while he went to get me so that kids walking by wouldnt wreck it. I decide to ask Camp to see if he remembers, Hey remember that Valentines Day?

Oh my God! Ha! Yeah I do, I felt like such a tool sitting there by that setup. And I was kind of hungry so I ate the chocolate covered

almonds Adam got you, out of spite. I laugh, Is that why he was whispering so angrily?
Yeah, he caught me with a mouth full as you guys walked up. It wasnt my fault though, there were tons of gawkers walking by and

asking questions and making jokes about who the lucky girl was... he trailed off and I didnt ask any more questions. Hannah nearly chokes on her beer when she sees us arrive together. Camp wanders off, immediately welcomed back home by a bunch of guys, and I go to sit by Hannah whos sitting with Becky and Christine. Hannah immediately starts in on me This is. Interesting and shes eyeing up Camp.
What? Im not allowed to be friends with him either? I snap. Isnt that one of your beloved Adam t-shirts? Oh my God it IS! I hear the girls around Hannah collectively gasp and I give them both dirty

looks.
Its not like that; he needed something to wear after looking at my car.

Hannah lets it go because another group of girls sidles up to us and they talk about their summer with Hannah. One of the girls, Staci, points out how good looking Camp got, and I look over at him and see him laughing with some guys. I catch Hannah looking at me and quickly look away before she decides to start in on me again. Camp trots up to us later when its just me, Hannah and Riley, and flops down next to me. Its obvious hes been drinking and he starts teasing me about the librarian bun Ive put my hair up into, to keep it off my neck in this muggy heat. Im laughing right along with him, hes being pretty goofy, until I see Hannah looks uncomfortable and I try to get him to stop. I stand up to walk away but he asks for me to help him up and after I give him my hands he pulls me back down on top of him laughing. When I roll off of him, he gets somber; I just miss him you know? I sigh and try to get comfortable, Yeah, I know, I miss him too.
Hey Anna, remember that time when Adams soccer team made finals and the three of us rode all the way across the state together,

singing and playing car games?

What was that one game we played? The one where whatever it was you were making us guess was a cow like twenty miles back

which you made us turn back around to see to prove you werent lying. He grins lazily, I spy. I crack up laughing, sputtering out, Yeah that was it! And then when we finally got to the motel, we found out Adam had forgotten to turn in his slip at school to book the room and all the hotels nearby were full from everyone going to see the game so the front desk clerk at the hotel recommended we go to Wal-Mart and buy a tent to sleep outside? And we did! That was the craziest part! We slept on the lawn of that motel and they didnt even kick us out.
Adam sure got hell though from his teammates in the morning when he was seen coming out of the tent. Well if any of them had let us sleep in their room we wouldnt have had that problem. Yeah, he grins at me, and his eyes are dancing with a mischievous twinkle I hadnt seen in them since Adam died, or maybe its just

the reflection from the bonfire, but my breath catches, and the smile fades off my face and suddenly everything seems very serious; is he going to kiss me? Should I let him? My stomach is flip flopping, and my eyes keep flickering between his eyes and his lips. Hes looking at me very intently but then again, maybe its just because if Im facing him and his face is reflecting the firelight, maybe mine is in the shadows and hes having a hard time seeing me. I see footsteps approaching out of the corner of my eye and Camp and I both jump. I look up to see whos coming over to us, my heart beating wildly in my chest. Im glad its dark so nobody can see my deepening blush. Its Hannah coming over to tell me that she and Riley are getting ready to leave, the party is winding down. I take a look around and realize I hadnt even noticed most people have left. Hannah is looking at me intensely and I hope I dont look as guilty as I feel. Finally she gives up and walks away as an older guy I recognize from previous bonfires but dont actually know comes over to offer to take Camp home but he refuses; his car is at my house and he wants to stay there because he has to get up early for work and wont be able to get a ride back to his car. The guy, who I heard Camp call Trey, tries again and reaches for Camp and Camp forcefully says No and pushes him off of him. Trey looks pissed; Camp is getting belligerent, and I step in to stop it from progressing, Its ok, thanks Trey, he can just sleep it off on my couch. Trey shrugs and gives Camp one last disgusted look before walking off.

On the walk home Camp is quiet, and when I see him stumble I grimace about how close I came to kissing him while hes not capable of making good decisions. Or maybe I didnt, maybe he wasnt going to kiss me and its just what I wanted, but how could I want that? Either way Im grateful Hannah came over to us when she did, I wonder if that was a coincidence or if she thought something was about to happen and came to break it up? Well if so, I know Ill hear about it soon enough. I get the pull-out couch ready for Camp while he looks around the kitchen for something to eat, ignoring me when I tell him there isnt anything there. He comes and flops down on the couch bed before I get both sheets on, mouth full of crackers and the rest of the package of them in his hand. Yoerr rronng, he holds up the package and smiles a cracker filled smile at me and I cant help but laugh.
Youre wrong, those are dog treats I keep around to feed stray dogs.

He looks intently at the box, squinting to try to make out the words which Im sure are blurry. He finally shrugs and keeps crunching on them. They arent actually dog treats but I notice he kind of forces himself to chew them and swallow, unable to decide if they are edible or not.
I have an idea!

I raise my eyebrows in response and continue trying to get this makeshift bed situated.
We can just walk to the Shack for something to eat!

He looks really pleased with himself so I check out my watch, Good idea, but they are definitely closed, so no.
But Audrey like loves me, I bet you could call her and shed come open it up for us.

I snort at the idea of calling our manager to open the Shack after hours so Camp can get his drunk munch on. She loves you eh? I decide to mess with him some.
Well sure, but you know, just like a friend, not like I love you or anything, he says like its obvious.

The pillow Im trying to put a fresh case on suddenly drops from my hand, and I look at Camp hard wondering if I heard that right, but hes just munching away on crackers. Maybe he meant like, as a sister, or like a family member, but what if thats not what he meant? I obviously cant ask him. I leave the room to get him an alarm clock so he cant see my frazzled nerves. When I get back hes made himself comfortable on the couch bed with his eyes closed and isnt chewing on any crackers but is in danger of rolling over and crushing the rest of the box so I lean over him quietly to take it from it, but he grabs my wrist and whispers sleepily to me without opening his eyes, Thank you Anna for taking such good care of me, I wish I could take such good care of you, youve always been my dream girl Anna. I told Adam that too, how lucky he was to have you. When he lets me go I fumble setting the alarm and I decide to set it for an hour before The Shack opens. Not sure what time he has to be to work I figure I better play it safe which is pretty smart of me I think, considering Im blinking back tears. He was just drunk I keep telling myself, he doesnt mean that. I go on shaking legs upstairs to go to bed but since Im unable to fall asleep I turn on my TV to drown out my thoughts. At some point I must have fallen asleep because I wake up and its morning. I look out my bedroom window and see Camps car is gone and lay back down on the bed with a relieved sigh. I slept fitfully, having dreams about kissing Adam but when Id open my eyes it would be Camps eyes and Camps face so close to mine. Adams voice would come out of Camps mouth as Camps hand would lovingly brush my cheek and smooth hair out of my face, and hed say I love you Anna, dont you love me? It was obviously twisted and sick and a sign of how far off the deep end Ive gone. I text Hannah because we have plans today and we agree that Hannah will come pick me up in an hour which gives me plenty of time to get ready. When I hear Hannahs car pull up twenty minutes later as Im getting out of the shower I figure she cant wait to jump down my throat about last night and Im right. First thing she says when she comes bounding up the stairs is, Why am I hearing that Camp stayed at your house last night?
What? Now that I wasnt expecting, I was expecting her to get on me about hanging out with him at the party, and showing up with him,

I didnt think she saw me leave with him. I scoff, disgusted at small town gossip, and violently pump my mascara wand into its tube. I know its like bad for you or something to do that but its almost gone and I dont really have a ride to the closest store that sells mascara. Sure the Stop N Go sells like the nastiest stuff ever and only in black when I really can only wear brown, but its overpriced there for convenience I guess and I just cant make myself buy it. Shes still looking at me waiting for an answer.
I couldnt let him drive home, he was too drunk.

Yeah but Trey told Riley he offered to let him stay at his house she says triumphantly like she was waiting to catch me on that. Hannah, what is the big deal all of a sudden? Weve been friends with Camp forever, why are you being weird? No why are you being weird Anna. Its CAMP, you cant have feelings for Camp! Hannah is looking around my room obviously, with

hawk eyes, as if for proof that something happened here last night.
Hannah he slept on the pull out, you didnt see it out when you got here?

Hannah rolls her eyes, Just whatever, lets just go. I look at my pathetically made up eyes and ask her pleadingly, Can you take me to Target to get more mascara?

Chapter 10

Im grateful that Im hanging out with Hannah today and that I have the day off so that I can keep from thinking about what Camp said last night. How did he really mean it, about him loving me? Do I want him to mean it in a romantic way? Ok well I keep from thinking about it for the most part. After going to Target, which turns out is a lot more fun now that I have a job and can actually buy things instead of just walking around admiring things while Hannah shops, we go to the mall, which for once was my idea instead of Hannahs. I guess even Hannah is tired of shopping for herself because she happily helps me pick out some new clothes and I even let myself buy a few things; a cute anklet, a few tank tops, and some bright yellow toenail polish to match my bathing suit. I considered buying a new bathing suit but I figured I needed to be kind of frugal with my money since I was still not sure if Camp was going to be able to fix my car or how much the part would cost to fix it. Laden down with bags, we stop in the malls food court at the frozen yogurt shop. I hadnt been here before (I didnt get out much the past year) and I initially turned my nose up at it. I have been spoiled with creamy fattening ice cream all summer after all, but Hannah insisted Id love it and I did. They had crazy flavors, all soft serve so that you could measure out a little of each into your bowl, and a toppings station where you could choose from bite size fruits or candies to sprinkle on top. When youre finished you pay by its weight. (Im not really sure what Taro is derived from but it is amazing!) We were sitting down; Hannah is looking quite smug and proud of herself for finding the place while I raved over it when Becky approaches, and since were sitting at a four top, sorry thats restaurant slang for table with four chairs at it, she flops down in one of the other chairs and unloads herself of her heavy bags. Deciding Im not too much of a pariah anymore to talk to she asks, What was going on with you and Camp last night Anna? Hannah looks smug, Told you so. I sigh, There is nothing going on with me and Camp. Even if Im not sure if I want there to be or not, I tack on silently at the end, but I dont dare tell them that. They both look at me, clearly not convinced, and I busy myself with rearranging my bags to tuck them in closer to my legs so people walking by wont trip over them. I see Hannah shrug at Becky and then roll her eyes and I put my head down on the cool table, tired of all of this. Hannah cringes, Eww Anna, pick your head up, that table is disgusting. Becky is like, Well I think its great, to see you out again, I mean, who better to console each other than you two, right? I pick my head up and I guess I look too interested in what Becky has to say because Hannah inhales her breath sharply, Becky! She hisses, That is so not appropriate. Becky looks at me like its my fault she said it and got snapped at by Hannah.

Whatever, Anna we were done anyways, I have to meet Riley soon, lets go.

I give a shocked looking Becky an understanding smile as I gather by bags and follow a huffy Hannah out to her car. We dont talk at all on the way home and I get more and more angry. How dare Hannah tell me who I can and cant hang out with? Why is she the only one who seems to care anyways, whats it to her? Even Becky doesnt seem to care. As we turn onto my street Im building my resolve to tell her just that when we both see Camps car in my driveway at the same time and the pissed off look on Hannahs face intensifies as she pulls into my driveway and slams on her brakes, inches from hitting his bumper, and makes me decide otherwise. I open the door and grab my bags out of the backseat without saying anything to her and slam the door shut. Never the one to let me have the last word Hannah rolls down her window and yells, Youre Welcome! before speeding off. So now she wants to make cracks about driving me around? She was the one asking what I wanted to do today and saying that she needed a break from the beach. I stomp up the driveway angrily and see Camp is there under the hood of my car.
Hey, I got some tools to work on your car. Been shopping?

I am so mad by this point at him for saying things to make me feel things that I shouldnt feel and frustrated at Hannah for being so whatever it is that she is being; judgmental I guess, and caring about what other people think, that I just snap at him and putting my bags down I start taking the tools out of his hands and the ones he has scattered all over the place and slam them into the tool box he has open lying there.
Just leave ok; I dont need your help anymore.

He grabs me by the wrists Anna, talk to me. I mutter, my voice getting choked up I think you did enough talking last night and jerk away to pickup my bags and go inside. He groans and follows me, Anna, Im sorry ok? I was just in a bad place last night, I drank too much. Please. He sounds really desperate and his voice breaks a little at the end. Its not much but its enough to make me actually look up at him and see the despair and pain on his face. I just nod and walk into his outstretched arms for a hug. I know my mom says plenty of things she doesnt mean when shes drunk and right now it feels like everyone is against me and Camp is on my side. Well maybe not everyone, but someone who really matters and thats Hannah, and truthfully Im having so much fun with Camp that I dont want to ruin it over something silly like something he said while he was drinking. If I were to be mad at him for liking me, Id have to be mad at myself for liking him. Wait what? I cant believe I just thought that. I step back out of Camps hug. I see him smiling but the only thing I can think is that Hannah was right; I really am a sick person, I just admitted to myself that I for sure think about Camp like that. Camp for the most part seems over it, he doesnt even seem embarrassed about what he said. Now if you dont mind, I think Ill start by going to put that piece of your car that you put in my toolbox back where it belongs under your hood, then what do you say we go rent a movie or something? Determined not to let my feelings for him show I laugh, embarrassed, Well that piece must resemble a tool because everything I picked up was silver and greasy and fit in the tool box. Wait; rent a movie?
Yeah, I mean we both have the night off, and after last night Im not too sure I should be going to another party anytime soon if you

know what I mean. He looks at his shoes as he says it but looks up at me bashfully with his eyes. I crack a smile at his expression. Ok sure, but youre buying me ice cream. He looks mock aghast.
Two scoops I add for good measure, and you cant just go into The Shack and go behind the counter and take some for me. Ok ok. He holds up both hands and starts backing out of the kitchen. Just give me a little bit of tinkering time.

I go upstairs to check how I look in the mirror and absently reapply my eye makeup darker for evening and try out my new mascara. Its not until Im brushing my teeth that I gasp in realization, Oh my God. Im acting like Im getting ready for a date. I spit out my toothpaste and go back into my room. Now Im determined to dress down for him and cant help but wonder if Im doing it to convince him, or myself. I change into a pair of pajama pants and flip flops but leave the glittery tank top on. There are other people in the world that might happen to see me at the video store; I dont want to look like Im completely slumming it. I hear Camp call up the stairs that hes going to wash up in the half bathroom downstairs and at the last second I decide to lose the sweatpants for running shorts. A slight improvement but still excessively casual and no way he could think that this is in any way a date.

If he is surprised to see my outfit when I get downstairs he doesnt show it. He has washed Adams shirt and tries giving it back to me. I reach out for it, but then tell him to keep it, I dont need it. Im not sure why, maybe it lost Adams touch after Camp wore it, or maybe its that I knew it would go back to where it came from; my closet. Either way, it didnt pain me at all to tell Camp that, and Im proud of myself and how far Ive come. On the way to get ice cream he asks, How come you werent hanging out with Christine and Becky last night? I thought they were your best friends besides Hannah?
I didnt know you paid any attention to who my friends were or are, and you didnt even recognize Hannah the other day at The Shack.

He shrugs, Does that mean they arent anymore? I sigh, I dont know, after Adam well Hannah was the only one who could handle it I guess. He nods, Yeah I had some friends like that too. Thats why I left and went away to school, I couldnt handle it, and I know I took the chicken way out, but seeing my parents hurting every day, living in our house with all those memories and the sudden silence, I just couldnt do it.
Yeah I imagine it was really hard on them when you left. Im ashamed now to say that I didnt visit your parents even once, it hurt too

much it was too scary.

Youre telling me. I made up excuses to not come home for any of the breaks we had at school. Now Im really regretting it though, you

saw my parents; they look like theyve aged ten years, he grimaces, looking full of regret.
They seemed really happy at dinner though. Yeah I think they were honestly happy to have company and to see you again and hear how youre doing. I think Ive told you before that

when I told them we worked together, they started asking about you.
We should take the movie back to your place then, well get a comedy and watch it with them, I suggest. Really, you wouldnt mind? I think theyd really like that. He reaches over and squeezes my hand but lets it go just as quickly.

We decide to just go pick a movie from the little Netflix box at McDonalds, and since it seems like everyone and their mother has the same idea, we go inside to order food and he orders for me a twenty piece nugget. Shocked, I just stand there until he pays for the order.
Hang on, I say, did you really just order for me? I laugh incredulously. Yeah? Isnt that what you wanted? He looks confused. What is this, 1950? What are you doing ordering for me? Werent you going to order the nuggets? Hes doing that squishy face thing he does when hes confused and trying to figure

something out. I thought you always got nuggets.

I did, I say, awkward now. But I usually only get twelve, Ill admit Im pleased he got something wrong, and still a little disturbed. Well, he said reasonably, were going to watch a movie later and youll want snacks. Besides, I plan on eating some of them, he

nudges me with a twinkle in his eye and I cant help but to smile and roll my eyes. He goes outside to get in the movie line while I wait for our food and I cant help but to think of how well he knew me, it was surprising really, I didnt think wed ever come here that frequently, the three of us and after I get our food I decide to ask him about it.
So I was thinking, we only came here, the three of us, like a handful of times, and that is not enough to reasonably assume that Id

order the nuggets. He shrugs, his face squished up again, Adam used to always send me out for you when youd want them or whatever. Like if his practice was running late or if he had something else going on. What is the big deal? That shut me up to think about it, and we picked out some movie, I couldnt even tell you what it was at the time because all I could think about was him knowing me, him running out to get my nuggets while Adam showered to hang out with me, or while Adam was doing school work in a hurry to come over to my house, and the whole time there Camp was running around getting me nuggets. I also felt weirdly dizzy being so close to him so that we could both see the screen to pick out our movie, not that I was really looking at the screen anyways. If his parents are surprised to see us, they dont show it. They look happy for the distraction from the silence, and even try to cook for us, though we argue that we ate on the way here, and that we brought ice cream for everyone and Dana happily busies herself getting everyone bowls and spoons and chocolate topping. I decided that one tub of ice cream made up for the lack of cone that I felt I was due,

but when Dana even pulled out cones Camp winked at me looking smug. They agreed to sit down and watch the movie with us and I sat in the kitchen talking to his mom while she made us three types of popcorn to go along with the ice cream while Camp got the movie set up in the other room. When we came into the room laden with snacks and bowls of ice cream, (comfort food all around), his dad got up from his easy chair to clear the coffee table to make room for all our food. I couldnt help but to take an inventory of the seats in the room. They had his dads Lazy Boy, and the couch. His mom took her seat on the couch closest to his dad and that left two tiny little side by side couch cushions. I started to panic about where to sit, when Camp flopped on the floor and grinned up at me, What? This is the best seat, closest to the food. Dana swatted at him, Camp! But she was smiling. So I managed to snag the other side of the couch which I felt relieved about as I slouched against the armrest. I always felt weird without an armrest, like I was just floating around. Call it lazy but I needed that armrest for support. We all settled down enough to watch the movie and I was really glad I came. We were all laughing and it wasnt awkward, Camp had picked out a great family comedy so no really inappropriate and embarrassing scenes to worry about. About halfway through the movie I stopped laughing long enough to realize that Camp had taken a break from snacking and was leaned back against the couch and was using my leg as an arm rest or lean-to. I understood, I mean I need an armrest too, but I was suddenly aware of his nearness. I was afraid to move and jolt him, I wanted him to be comfortable, and if I was honest with myself I wanted him touching me, feeling that he could be that close to me, I just wasnt sure what I should be thinking. According to Hannah that would be totally wrong. And what about his parents, what would they think? Oh my gosh! I looked over at his mom covertly out of the corner of my eye but she was still looking at the movie and laughing so I let myself relax and tried to focus on the movie. It was really hard to concentrate on the movie with him touching me so casually like that, but I had to remind myself that at another point in time, I would have thought nothing of it except that he wanted to be comfortable. It was my perspective that had changed, not the act. After the movie ended his mom kept expressing gratitude that I came by and insisted I was welcome whenever I wanted. Camp picked himself up off the floor and sat between us and started flipping through the channels absently. She noticed he made no move to get up to take me home and that he was sitting on my bare feet that I had curled up beside me. She offered to get us another bowl of ice cream so I guess she didnt think anything of it. We all groaned that we couldnt possibly, so she said she was going up to bed. Darren didnt take the hint though so she asked him to come along which he did but grudgingly. That was only awkward for me for a minute; when I realized that she was not just going to bed but that she was going to bed Darren, and arent you tired? which meant she was obviously trying to leave us alone, but Camp didnt seem to notice and after she stood up he scooted over into her warm spot she had just vacated, but then he tossed a blanket from the back of the couch over my feet and we hunkered down to watch another movie. It was American Pie which Id seen before of course but it was still funny and mind numbing which was more important, but turns out it was a movie marathon and Camp got really excited and insisted we watch them all. He seemed so excited about staying up all night like a kid, that I couldnt help but to laugh and agree to it. After the second one ended he jumped up to make us more ice cream so that we could power through the next one. That was at three am. The ice cream must not have done the trick because I woke up in the morning with my feet in his lap and saw he had pulled up a foot rest and was sprawled out, still sleeping. The reason I woke up was his dad was awake and came in to the living room and started shuffling around his papers, obviously annoyed and obviously doing it to wake us. I was so embarrassed and ashamed; his dad was obviously ticked off about me staying the night that, I didnt even bother waking up Camp, I just tried to bolt out of there. I had to go into the kitchen to grab my purse and Camps mom (weird, notice I didnt say Adams mom?) was in there making coffee. She sighed when she saw me, I guess he woke you up?
It was no biggie, I didnt mean to go to sleep anyways, Camp insisted we watch a movie marathon that is probably still going on as we

speak and I guess after working all day we werent as up to it as we thought. That all came out in one quick apologetic breath. She poured me a cup of coffee and told me to sit. I hesitated, remaining standing for a moment, unsure of what to do but in the end I wanted to get my punishment over with so I sat.
I havent seen Camp since he left for school, she began, stirring her spoon in her cup absently, and when he came home for the

summer he didnt seem very happy to be home, but ever since he started hanging out with you, whether it was you or just having a friend there for him in general I dont know, but hes been happier, and having a smiling child around the house means so much to me right now. And even though Darren is wary of the situation I know Adam would want you and Camp to continue being there for each other, or whatever it is that youre doing, being happy and living I guess. I understand that. That was so awkward, my face was flaming red with embarrassment and I was trying not to cry in my coffee so I took a cue from her and kept stirring sugar into it, until I could clear my eyes of the huge puddles lying in them. She put her hand on mine and I lifted my face to look at her, and when I did the tears laying in wait spilled over, and then we were both crying. I guess we were kind of loud or Darren had just finally woke him up because Camp came whistling into the kitchen, wiping sleep from his eyes but stopped when he saw the state we were in. He looked stricken and whether it was from my still being there or Dana and Is joint crying session I didnt know, because he stormed out of the kitchen.

I cough and stand up briskly, wiping my eyes, Im just going to walk home, thanks for the coffee Dana.
Dont be ridiculous, she says, Ill drive you.

I notice she is still in her night robe and say no thanks, I need the fresh air anyways. Its not like I havent made the walk plenty of times before, its a few miles, more than I like to make midday when its really hot but luckily its only like eight oclock in the morning. Make that nine oclock, I think looking at my cell phone. Crap, Im supposed to work at ten. Ugh; I start running home, and take a shower, grab my cell charger and get to work just after ten but still with plenty of time to get my tables ready before we open. We dont open until eleven today but I have opening duties to do, like making sure all the outside tables get their condiments on them and umbrellas set up to block the worst of the sun. I usually dont like doing the manual labor so early in the morning but after my jog and early morning cry, its not too bad - I actually feel wide awake unlike most mornings, and Im just grateful for the quiet time to think about Camp and why he got so upset and deserted me like that. No not deserted, he probably just didnt want to sit around for the tear fest, I mean he DID say he didnt come home all last year just so that he wouldnt have to deal with the pain of seeing his parents, and he invites me over for ice cream and I make his mom cry and make his dad mad by falling asleep in their living room practically on top of Camp. Awesome. I should just avoid him all together and stay out of their lives, Im doing nothing but drudging up memories we are all trying to suppress and at the same time all I can think about is how me and Camp were snuggled up like two puppies last night, and how safe I felt next to him, and happy, and even though I should be thinking about Adam, being that I was on his couch and sitting with his family laughing, I wasnt, I was thinking about Camp, and his heart warming laugh, and that flop of hair that always was falling in his eyes that he just couldnt seem to get to stay out of his face but couldnt be bothered with doing anything about, like cutting his hair. Camp tries to come outside to talk to me a little before opening. I can feel him standing there behind me as I try to put one of the stupid umbrellas in the stupid hole in the table and open it without it snapping on my fingers (and keep my dignity), and so I ignore him. Finally he asks if he can help and I tell him no, but its obvious Im having problems and he takes the umbrella from me forcefully and does it himself and then when we are standing in the shade of it he apologizes for this morning. I hold up my hand, tell him No need to explain, I understand, I should have been more careful to not fall asleep last night, but I wont look him in the eye, and afterwards I turn to walk away, but he jumps in front of me. Im so not in the mood to talk at this point so I just walk around him, letting him stand there with his mouth open, at a loss for words and catching flies. I think it shows how much he thinks about me that he doesnt bother trying to say anything afterwards and that depresses me even more. The rest of the day pretty much follows how my morning went. At first one of my tables tries to insist that their french fries, which we make fresh, (not from those pre cut fries) be cut into a more breakfast friendly potato, like shredded, cant we do that? Surely we have a cheese shredder; we could just serve the same amount of potatoes as we would for fries but shred them into a home fry type of thing. It must be lack of sleep that keeps me standing there at the table dumbly while the person tries to explain to me how to make home fries, because I cant fathom any other reason for me to just go into a trance standing there. Like, at first Im listening to them saying that technically since its before noon we should offer a breakfast menu, especially in a beach town where most of our clientele is vacationing tourists and they need to have breakfast type foods available to them and Im thinking in my head, yeaaah! Yeah you are right good woman! You ARE entitled to breakfast like foods, fuck it right, why not? and I guess I get the table pretty excited with my enthusiastic head nods because the old lady just keeps going on and on about it and as I come out of my daze enough to realize there are four hungry looking people grinning at me about breakfast shaped potatoes, I realize then that I have to just give it to them straight; No we cant do that. Would you like regular fries? You can put ketchup on them and then theyll taste just like home fries. I glare at the lady who is looking at me in shock, probably since I got their hopes up for breakfast like foods, and Im daring her to say anything else about the damned potatoes but all she does is sigh grandly and look around her table as if for confirmation from the children with her before nodding her head without looking at me. I take their menus a little roughly as I walk away and I end up feeling bad about it so I wind up giving each of the kids at the table a free chocolate milk on the house which means on me, and resolve to be nicer to the rest of my tables or risk going home in the negative today, also known as working for free. That proves to be easier said than done; the summer heat is really kicking into full gear and everyone it seems is as cranky as I am. I go outside to take a break and see Lisas already out there, smoking, and I sit near her and her smoke in the only shady spot, hoping its not weird between us after what happened in the bathroom the other day. She sucks hard on her cigarette so I know shes going to speak, You know, I had some friends almost in the same situation as you? The was not what I was expecting her to say and I look at her, but shes staring off across the parking lot blindly, yeah, after my friend Billy died, our whole group of friends was inconsolable you know? Well his girlfriend and a good friend of mine, Sarah, started dating Billys best friend, who of course was another guy in our group, Jake. At first it was really shocking to everyone to see Jake and Sarah together, and of course everyone talked, but you know, it made sense. Like, we all felt the pain of losing Billy, but not like those two. She

shrugged, I dont know, do you get me? I nod dumbly, looking at the ground so that I dont have to meet her gaze because I know Ill start crying. She rubs my back once before standing up and goes back inside. I dont move until after I hear the door to inside close and then I stand up slowly and try to wipe under my eyes quickly before I go back to dealing with my tables. By four pm Im about to quit when Audrey takes me aside and tells me to call it a day.
Are you sure? I was scheduled to stay through the dinner rush. Yeah, Im getting complaints about you so just go home.

I hesitate still, should I come back tomorrow?

Yeah, of course, youre not fired your just having a bad day and look like hell, now go before I change my mind. She takes the tray of

drinks out of my hand and asks what table they are for and I give her a grateful smile as I point her to it. I wasnt sure if she meant change her mind about letting me go or about firing me so I quickly take my apron off and all smiles for the first time that day, head back into the managers office to cash out and go. I open the door to the managers office and Camp is in there, with another waitress, another summer girl, Tiffany. They are both laughing and leaning in closely looking at the schedule, she is trying to get him to give her some of his shifts and being very persuasive it seems. She leans into him and moans, come on Camp, you know I need the money more than you, and Ill make it up to you.
Oh yeah, how are you going to do that? Hes smiling and aside from glancing up at me as I came in, they are both ignoring me.

Now Im just standing there shifting my feet awkwardly, waiting for any damn manager to come in and help me cash out so I can just leave. I think about turning around and leaving to go find one or just to wait outside the office for one but then Camp will know he affected me if I just walk out without actually doing anything in here, so I take a seat at in one of the two office chairs and turn it so that Im facing the desk, not them. I start counting my money and tune them out; I dont want to hear what she is going to say to respond to him or I might just scream at her and fling myself at her, tearing at her until I pull all of her pretty red hair out of her head. Finally I see the kitchen manager take the seat across from me and pull out his clipboard to take down my income info. I realize with a sigh of relief, or disappointment, that Camp and Tiffany must have left the office when it was open for the manager to come in, and my hands stop shaking as we finish the money procedure, but still my leg is tapping against the floor and I just want him to hurry up so I can get out of there. Finally its done, and he gives me back my meager tip earnings for the day and I bolt out of there. In the parking lot Camp is standing by his car. Oh what next I think. I walk the long way around the lot to avoid him, but he jogs to catch up with me. Come on Anna, just talk to me a minute.
I dont think we need to do this right now, and at work I say, trying to speed walk away but without being obvious so that other people

standing around outside wont be inclined to think something is up and look at us. He keeps stride with me easily, Anna I think we do.
What about Tiffany, I ask snidely, Why cant you just go cash in on her making it up to you or whatever? I surprise even myself with

the jealous tone in my voice.

Anna, I got her to cover my shift for me right now so that we could leave together. I dont wanna play these dumb games with you

anymore, I like you ok and I dont care if you know it, if anyone else knows it, and I dont care what anyone thinks about it. Im slowed down by this and as he keeps talking Im completely stopped and listening. Anna, everyones going to talk, its what people do because they have nothing better to do, and I know what you had with Adam, but I also see how much youve grown up since then, you had to, we both did, and I see the way you look at me now, Id have to be blind not to Anna, and I eat it up. Every time you look at me I just, I feel grateful that its me youre looking at like that, and not someone else. His voice breaks on someone else and I turn to look at him in time to see him put his face in his hand and just start crying. I reach out to him, and touch his sleeve where it meets his arm. I want to pull him close to me and make him stop crying but I am afraid of what people will think. I can feel peoples eyes on me right now in the parking lot, I feel like I can hear them whispering and I am paralyzed. He senses my hesitation, I can tell because he had to stop crying to hold his breath in waiting to see how Id react. I finally look up and face the people gawking at us, probably texting everyone we know right now about this little scene were creating, Anna, girlfriend of Adam whos dead, and Camp, brother of Adam. I see one friendly face, Becky. She just got out Christines car obviously here to eat, but they are standing there watching us, and I see her smile faintly at me. Thats all I need, and after a quick smile of gratitude back, I step closer to Camp and he opens his arms and envelopes me. This feels so different than all the other hugs weve given each other, this one feels like we are both holding on with the intention of never letting go. He puts his head on my shoulder and lets out a little sob, and I get a little teary eyed at the moment too. When he pulls away from me long enough to look at me, he wipes his eyes and laughs a little, shyly.

I grin up at him, just admiring his face from this new view, and relishing the feel of my arms around his back, and he tips his head down towards me slowly, questioningly. I sigh into his mouth as our lips meet for the first time, I cant believe this is really happening. He pulls back to look at me and then covers my lips and face in kisses, laughing through his tears.

Chapter 11

We go back to my house, and lounge around on the couch for the rest of the afternoon, both of us drifting in and out of sleep, recovering from an uncomfortable lack of sleep last night and then a brutal shift at work, and when I wake up, hes just coming back from McDonalds with a twenty piece nugget for me and a Big Mac for him plus another movie from the Netflix by the drive-through. Things dont seem nearly as tense between us as they were before, now that weve had the first kiss, its like we arent walking on eggshells around each other now and I can finally relax and enjoy him. While were eating it occurs to me to ask him How is my car coming along? He stuffs another handful of fries in his mouth and takes his time chewing and swallowing, and then makes a big production about washing it down with soda. Finally he says, grinning, Oh your car? Yeah I fixed that the first day I was here.
What! I screech, You didnt think it was important to let me know that? Instead of having me hoofing it everywhere in this heat?

He shrugs guiltily, Yeah but then I wouldnt have had an excuse to see you as much. He turns the exaggerated puppy eyes on me and I cave, Oh yeah, you think your good dont you? I cant hide my smile though and I lean across the table to kiss him.
To be fair though I wasnt just polishing the engine the rest of the time I was under there, I was just making some other minor

adjustments under there, so hopefully it will run better now too.

Oh yeah, like what I ask, scooting my chair closer to him. Important man stuff, he says, puffing his chest up. He manages to make himself look so regal sitting there, I can almost picture him

with a mane, like a lion, and I laugh, hoping hes not being serious. He winks at me, just kidding, I just topped off some fluids, you know, you have the windshield wiper fluid, very important stuff, and then the I shut him up with a kiss. We snuggle down for an evening of laziness and I hear him sigh contently, It feels like such a weight off my shoulders to just be able to kiss you when I want to, he says. I pause the movie and look at him, and try to scrunch up my nose in an impersonation of him, Really? Cause I still feel like Im carrying a lot of stress rigghhht here. I trace my lips with a finger and he groans and closes the gap between us to kiss me until my lips are swollen and Im dizzy with happiness. I know we have a lot of things to get through, such as dealing with the people who doubt us, or are judgmental like Hannah but for now its enough to know how we feel, we can take on the world another day.

Epilogue:

Its almost Christmas break, and that means Camp will be coming home soon! I know I just saw him at Thanksgiving but I still get

excited every time I see him. Ive been spending a lot of time this holiday season at the Stellers house, helping Dana bake Christmas cookies to give out in little tins to people like the mailman. That was something she was known for before, but last year of course she didnt send out any tins. This year though I wouldnt let her get out of it, in fact I showed up at her house, my trunk full of grocery bags stuffed with cookie making ingredients. When she heard the familiar sound of my car pulling up, she came to the front door and after she looked in my bags she teared up and quickly invited me in. Ive been good on my promise to spend more time here this school year, and I think Dana at least is really benefitting from my company; she looks happier every time I see her, and I even see her at school sometimes volunteering whenever they need parents. Hannah and I made up of course, we double dated a few times over the summer with Riley and Camp, and Beckys even called me on a few occasions to hang out. More interestingly though is that Lisa moved into my house! My mom didnt care, (not that she probably would have even hardly noticed if I didnt tell her) but Lisa insisted on paying rent, so that made my mom happy. She transferred down here to be near her summer boyfriend er, now her year-round boyfriend. Now that I have my car fixed I know that I could quit working at The Shack whenever I want, and could go work somewhere less greasy, but Lisa still works there and Camp picks up a few shifts when hes home from school, so really, where else would I rather be?

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