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e need to talk.Where are thewing men outthere? I’ve seen some atroci-ties during these openingweekends o school. I’ve wit-nessed guys let or the lionswhile their buddy sits on thesidelines nursing a beer likehis lie will end i he fnishes it.I saw aguy talk-ing to agirl withhis buddynearby.When thegirl’s riendcame to imposeon the conversation, thewing man buckled. His re-action was like Sasquatchcame into the bar carryinga samurai sword. Scaredand selish, he bolted,yelling, “Every man orhimsel.”The wing man isthe last line o deenseagainst the posse o drunken, rambling wom-en. It is the bottom o theninth, and coach is callingin the closer.I am going to try to helpyou conquer these obsta-cles. Here are step-by-stepdirections or three simplewing man maneuvers. Theseare designed to help yourbuddy seal the deal.First though, we need tolearn some vocabulary. We allknow the wing man, but thereare three other players in thisgame.The wing man’s riend hasmany titles. You can callhim “The Go-To-Guy,” or even “TheTank” i it ticklesyour ancy. Witha name like “TheTank,” though,he’s probably bet-ter o sticking tothe wing man role.To avoid conu-sion we will stick with asimple title or the wing man’sriend. He will be known as“Uncle Jesse.”The women have manynames also, some o them o-ensive and unnecessary. Thisis no place or crude names,so we will call the target girl“D.J. Tanner.”As or the girlriend whotries to break up the conversa-tion and pull her girl away, wewill reer to her as “Bob Sag-et.” Now, let’s enter the wingman playbook.
Uncle Jesse and his eath-ered mullet are lay-ing the game onD.J. and heracid-washed jeans. It mayseem a littlelike incest, butwhatever, D.J.’shot. As Uncle Jesse and D.J.are whispering nas-tynothings into each other’sears, the wing man spots BobSaget on the prowl. BobSaget is pacing around thebar, eyeing her riend. Like1995, Bob Saget is every-where.As Bob Saget makesthe move to her riend,the wing man interceptsher and stops herrom reachingUncle Jesseand D.J. At thepoint o inter-ception, sparkup conversationto keep the shityBob Saget at bay.Say something like,“Do you think MarkMangino will ever be on Ce-lebrity Fit-Club?”
“Jumping on t Grn.”
Uncle Jesse and D.J. aretrying to enjoy each other’scompany, but that damnedBob Saget is right in therewith them, dominating theconversation with lame jokes and terrible voice-overs o home-videos, ru-ining the chances the twolovebirds will ever unite.The wing man sees thedisappointed and hornylook on Uncle Jessie’sace, and knows it’s timeto act. Like a soldier sav-ing his platoon, he divesin headirst to cover BobSaget rom exploding andruining the potential hook-up. Now the wing man isace-to-ace with the beast.He has to get rid o BobSaget beore she goes intoa sentimental speech aboutthe importance o amily.The best way to get rid o a girl noone wantsaroundis to useas manybad pick-up lines as pos-sible, until she cannot standto be around the “creep whowon’t leave her alone.”These lines are golden orBob Saget removal: “Youknow, the purple Teletubbywas based on my lie,”or “I’m the skinnywhite guyrom Col-or MeBadd.”Anoptional“Wanna sex meup?” can be used toollow up the latter line.Now Uncle Jesse and D.J.can inally get to the point,and head back to the un-Full House ater hours.
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The ol’ resume builder isa time-tested tech-nique thatcan moveyourbuddyromthe“leastlikely
resident hall occupant’s worstnightmare: Waking up to the soundo your roommate in the act.With hormones raging and newoundreedom, sex, among other thingsis a common occurrence inresidence halls.Excluding GertrudeSellards Pearson,which doesn’t allowmale visitors past11 p.m. duringthe school week,there aren’t anyrules againsthaving oppo-site sex visi-tors in resi-dence hallrooms.Resi-dencehalls re-quire youto checkin a guestwho isspendingthe night,regardlesso intentsor purposes.So, wheth-er it be a visitrom an out-o-state signiicantother, or just aling, sex is inevi-table.Leslee Ransom,Olathe sophomore, andresident assistant at OliverHall said that there was nopolicy against having sex in theresidence halls and that it’s just an agree-ment that one has with a roommate.“It’s disrespectul to your roommate,”Ransom said. “But some people just can’thelp it.”Mindi Nichols, Ottawa graduate student,said she never had a problem with her room-mates having sex.“My roommates were good. But I’d prob-ably be annoyed, especially i I was on thebottom bunk,” she said.Because there aren’t any actual rulesagainst sex in the residence halls, what hap-pens behind closed doors is ultimately a dis-cussion between roommates.Residence halls require their occupantsto compile roommate agreements, which aresigned contracts saying that both roommateswill abide by the rules — including those on visitors — they each set or the duration o the school year.I the rules are breached it’s up to the in- volved parties to decide how it should bedealt with.I problems persist, the RA or housing sta can get involved, and in a worst-case sce-nario, the annoyed roommate can request aroommate change.It would seem that not having sex in aresidence hall while a roommate was therewould be an unspoken agreement, but socialcourtesies aren’t on everyone’s minds.Having sex in the residence halls can beconsidered ill-mannered, but some residents,including Chris Zammit, Overland Parkreshman, have higher standards.“Assuming I was going to have sex, I wouldin my dorm under speciic conditions,” shesaid. “My roommate is gone or a while andit’s in my bed. I would assume my roommatewouldn’t be screwing on my bed.”Still, some suggest inding out that yourroommate is in mid-copulation mere eetaway rom you should be taken with a graino salt.“Being annoyed, awkward moments, thoseare a part o the dorm experience. It’s whatcreates memories!” Nichols said.
— Edited by Kellis Robinett
wednesday, septemBer 14, 2005 the University daily Kansan 3C
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