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Rodney the Fetus

Rodney the Fetus

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Published by Eli Yudin

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Published by: Eli Yudin on Aug 06, 2012
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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08/06/2012

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Rodney the FetusByJenny Gustafson and Eli Yudin
 
A STAGEMCLet’s hear it one more time for ourlast comedian! Thank you. Upnext, a very funny guy, a goodfriend of mine, put your handstogether for Rodney the Fetus!Rodney walks out on stage. (Wearing just flesh-coloredundies and is soaking wet, wearing a helmet, with anumbilical cord trailing.)RODNEYGood evening, ladies and germs.WHOA, hope there are no germs here,I’VE GOT NO IMMUNE SYSTEM! I kid,I kid, great crowd. You know, Iwas worried for a while I wouldn’tmake it here, I mean as of 5minutes ago I had STUBS and a TAIL!I just got in my first fingernail afew minutes ago. Finally, I meanmy back’s been itching for 9 MONTHSSTRAIGHT! You guys are great,great. But really, living insidethe womb is tough, I mean, hey,Michael Phelps, you try doing thedoggy-paddle FOR 9 MONTHSSTRAIGHT! I’m just sayin, WHERE’SMY MEDAL! I kid, I kid. You guys,how’re you doin?Points at unseen coupleRODNEYWhat’re you guys eating? Looksgood. Better than airplane food,thats for sure. I mean, I seethat stuff comin down the tube andIm like GET OUTTA HERE! Mymother’s here tonight, LIKE SHE HADA CHOICE! I’M ON A PRETTY SHORTLEASH! Just kidding mom, loveyou. But I got my ears in lastnight, and NEWSFLASH, LADY, YASNORE! But my mother, she reallydoes smother me. LITERALLY! Sherolled over last night in her sleepand I ALMOST CHOKED TODEATH! Though I considered it. Imean, I’ve been listening to thesame Mozart CD FOR NINE MONTHS(MORE)(CONTINUED)
 
CONTINUED: 2.RODNEY (cont’d)NOW! Not the greatest plan whenI’m right next to a NOOSE MADE OUTOF SKIN! I’m talking SUICIDE herepeople. I’M JOKING! WHOA,WHOA! But my mother, she thinksshe’s in charge, but I says to herI says, "You’re not the one thatcan come out SIDEWAYS!" I’mjoshing but seriously, CUT OUT THETHAI FOOD if ya want me outta thereHEADFIRST, aright? But my parentsare lovely people. I just met mydad yesterday. It was a littleawkward at first, but by the tenththrust WE HAD PLANS FORBRUNCH! I’ll have the EggsBenedict, Dad, but ya might haveturned me off the HOLLANDAISE SAUCETHERE, PETER NORTH. I’m joshingDad, I love ya.CUT TO DAD SHAKING HIS HEAD AND LAUGHING(?)RODNEYBut really, my parents are lovelypeople. I hope one day I find alady as lovely as my mother, orthen again maybe a man as handsomeas my dad! Maybe once this thingbetween my legs decides if it’s aclitoris or a penis, AM IRIGHT! Im in the middle of apsychosexual crisis and I’m onlyTWO! MINUTES!*long exhale*Itell ya though, I tell ya, any ofyou guys been to this IKEAplace? I bought a space saver formy amniotic sac and trying to putthat thing together, I haven’t beenthis confused since REAGAN! I’mjust sayin, I’m pretty sure halfthe screws that came with the thingare up in the fallopian tubes bynow! So you guys hear about thisOJ trial! They say on thetelevision I heard, "The glovedon’t fit, you must acquit?" Ifthere’s one thing I’ve learned inhere it’s that THINGS CAN STRETCH,JOHNNY! This world, it’s adangerous place, though, it’s adangerous place. And I’m not just(MORE)(CONTINUED)

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