A Choral Conductor's Flowchart

Stop and repeat where they were supposed to start; sound slightly annoyed.

Yes

So you are in a rehearsal?

No

Are you in public? Yes

No

Just conducting along to your favorite recording?

No

It's time for your pills.

No Wave your arms Are people singing? Yes Are you in front of a mirror? Keep practicing. Stop. Scratch your midsection as a cover.

Start

No

Yes

How did you know AC/DC's "Back in Black" was my favorite album to conduct along with?? Why should I stop? Uh, you're crazy

Then put it to work and make up something that sounds important! Nothing. It sounds ne. Uh, you're crazy No, I'm serious. You're just not hearing it

I can't hear the men

Figure out what's wrong with it

I have a freaking Master's degree

IGNORE Are you conducting the Britten Ceremony of The Carols? Pastor's wife

Who is that loud soprano?

The words are unintelligible

The vowel isn't unied

The chord isn't tuning

They're just not together Yes

No, it was them

Are you sure? I'm certain I could have done something better

All right, smart guy, make your pattern bigger and wavier

The same one as last week

Is it English?

Do they know what that means? No

Is it your fault?

No

Make a schmaltzy speech about how singing in choirs is all about doing things at the same time

Yes No Yes Suggest a vocal technique you know will shut her up. Does it matter if people understand them?

No

Yes Tell a joke to pass the time

What was the problem again?

Tuning Vowel

Give a lecture on the harmonic series Now try it again and no matter what, tell them it was a huge improvement

No Yes

Then no one cares.

Ha ha ha Tell them what to x

Maybe it's because there are only six of them. Appeal to their natural competitive spirit to get them to sing louder.

Give a lecture on IPA, then have them write the whole thing out Will that help?

Don't worry about it.

Really? Are you sure? Totally.

No, it doesn't.

Now say two useless sentences

You better believe it will!

Will that help?

Don't forget to make fun of how out-of-tune the piano is

Back to Start

In fact, while you're at it, compliment something else at random. Lay it on real thick.

robertbolyard@gmail.com