‘Kansan’ Election Guide
KUnitedDelta ForceStudent Voice
Most importantplatform issue
Bring The Wheel to The Underground.Move out of Justin Mill’s shadow.Have someone take us seriously.
Other platform issue
Provide a free pair of Uggs and/or flip flops to everystudent.Provide a free pair of Chucks to every student.Provide nothing to students — we already payenough in tuition.
Secret wish platform
Bring back “Yellow Bike” program, because that wassuch a rousing success.Hire Chuck Norris as Chancellor.Get dates.
Ongoing legislative work
Working to sell off even more student seating at AllenFieldhouse to raise money for Jaywalk.Working with other national activist groups to sponsor“Hands Across America 2005.”Working to attain “master wizard” status inDungeons & Dragons.
Foam parties.Not-so-free lovin’ with Delta Force candidate of yourchoice.Talk smack about other coalitions on
— hope that addedexposure brings in more funds.
Goals for next year
Get somebody, anybody, to use Jaywalk system.Cancel class on April 20.See if any platform issues are feasible.
Vote for us. We’re going to win anyway.Vote for us for REAL change, you know, like changingup KU Info and condom dispensers.A third party — as vital to campus politics as it is tonational politics.
Red and blue striped flag.
Jean skirt, bid day shirt.
Blue fist on yellow background.
Hemp necklace, dashiki, dandruff. Patchouli oil soldseparately.
Ellsworth 7 shirt, shirt we bought from Chipotle, highschool letter jacket.
P. DiddyChe Guevara“Chippy” the Chipotle Burrito Mascot
Cover every damn inch of campus with chalk.Throw a house party for all the freshmen.Throw accusations at the incumbent party.
KUnited tanning passesDelta Force Merc membershipStudent Voice “Magic: The Gathering” card set
Election Day Message
No, we swear “Yellow Bike” was a success untileverybody started stealing the bikes.We are the world, We are the children,We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let’sstart giving ...Just because Vision and Lord Wads were completefailures doesn’t mean we will be, too.
Hi there. You don't know mepersonally, though you mighthave driven by one of my summermansions before and asked,“What kind of person can affordthat kind of place?”Well, I’ll tell you what kind of person: Me. And you know how Imade all that money? By chargingstudents like you hundreds of dol-lars for textbooks.Oh sure, there’s somethingwritten on those pages, probablysomething that your professortold you is important to learn.Well, I’m going to let you in on alittle secret: I really don’t know orcare what’s on those pages.Sometimes we spellcheck them,but usually not. Half that stuff ismade up anyways. Let’s stop talk-ing about textbooks. I don’t spendmuch time on them.In fact, I would say I spend 10percent of my time working ontextbooks and the other 90 per-cent swimming in my big vault of money. Let me tell you — it’s thelife! What? Do I hear you com-plaining? Are you questioningme?Bam, I just raised the prices 20bucks. You know I could raiseprices, and you would still paythem.Besides, why are you upset? It’s just daddy’s dinero anyways. Oh?What’s that? You have to worktwo jobs just to pay for school? You really can’t afford it? Wellthat's too bad. I have to go towork, too. Though at my work, Isit at a gold table with the textexecs, shouting out random pricesand deciding if you would paythem. The answer of course is yes,but still it always gets a big laughwhen someone shouts out a num-ber like $7,332. I imagine yougoing without food for a semesterin order to scrape together moneyto buy one book. Oh, that’s a deepbelly laugh. That one always getsme.I’m sorry, what were we talkingabout again? Oh, about me laugh-ing to the bank. Actually that’s notentirely true. I never actually gointo the bank.I just wait outside in my stretchlimo while my two man-childassistants wheel the money in onwheelbarrows. The laughing partthough is correct — sometimes forhours. Whenever I’m feelingdown I just think about some out-rageous deed we’ve done. Likethe philosophy book we put outlast semester that was 80 percentpictures we took off the Internet.The price? $220. That’s right, 220big ones. That’s more than 90 per-cent of what philosophy majorswill make a year after they gradu-ate.Oh, the laughs.
Editor is a Lawrenceresident with oodles andoodles of cash.
Actually I do laugh all the way to the bank
Legislators in Kansas decid-ed to kick queers while they’redown this week. Conservativesand religious leaders proposedan addition to the gay marriageban, on which the public will vote Tuesday.“Because our conservativereligious stronghold will be at thepolls anyway, we may as well tryto wipe out the gay populationaltogether,” said Sen. Phil Journey, (R-Haysville).Wednesday, Journey, alongwith other conservatives andreligious leaders, said that a banon gay marriage was not enough.He proposed a six-step plan toeliminate homosexuals called theGays Go to Straight Camp Act. ACitadel-trained task force wouldround up all gays and lesbians inKansas and take them to a campwhere they could be “corrected,” Journey said. For now the planfocuses on gay men.“My plan would not only elim-inate the gay population, but alsohelp the economy by creatingthousands of jobs,” Journey said.For homosexuals to bereleased back into society, theywill have to pass six rigorous testsincluding fashion, hunting, fish-ing, beer-guzzling, baseball andscratching/crotch adjustments.Prada, Gucci and Louis Vuittonwould be stripped from all gaymen’s closets, Journey said.Each male camper would weara uniform composed of anadjustable baseball cap, aNASCAR tank top, dark bluesweat pants and hiking boots.Flannel button-downs would bedistributed during cold weather.“We have to get them used todressing normal,” said the Rev. Jerry Johnston, pastor of FirstFamily Church in Overland Park.The Reverend proposed settingaside a wildlife reserve for thehunting segment. Even if bucksare not in season, their deaths willserve the greater cause, he said.“God wanted man to be masterover animals didn’t he?” Johnstonsaid. “I think our Savior wouldagree that this is a worthy cause.”The reserve would also be usedfor fishing. The homosexuals willhave to catch and clean a bass noshorter than 28 inches.Proponents agree that beer-guz-zling is a valuable part of bothhunting and fishing. Baseball, thenext test, is considered one of most important.“It’s called America’s pasttimefor a reason,” Journey said, “We’ll juice them up with ’roids if we haveto, as long as they can hit a freakingbaseball when they leave.”While the topic of baseball wason the floor, several sports fansbrought up the importance of butt-scratching and adjustingoneself, so the Legislature consid-ered adding a clause to includethose behaviors.Liberals led by Rep. Paul Davis(D-Lawrence) called the planludicrous.“We’re setting America backanother 50 years,” Davis said.“Doesn’t the Bible say that Godloves all people?”Conservatives said becausethey had the majority, they didnot expect to have difficulty pass-ing the amendment.“Liberals threatened to moveto Canada when Bush was re-elected,” Journey said. “In timethey will conform.”
Gays get opportunityfor ‘Straight Camp’
Dear Movie Guy,
Man, “Easy Rider” is sotrippy. What were DennisHopper and Peter Fondasmoking?
— Buzzed in Bonner Springs
Shortly after the film’srelease Hopper said, “Wesmoked hashish, right out of the peace pipe. Chief Hummingbird flew down onthe back of a griffin andsmoked us all out. I remem-ber Jack Nicholson andGen. George ArmstrongCuster playing darts in theback of a bar in SanAntonio. The rest is hazy.”
Dear Movie Guy,
Growing up, my favoritemovie was “TheGodfather.” I especiallyliked the part where theHollywood producer wakesup with the stallion’s head inhis bed. Was that a real stal-lion’s head in that scene orwas it a fake one?
— Remembering in Russell
The head belonged toTony the Horse, the notori-ous hit man. Tony workedfor the Tataglia brothers,who sent him to kill LucaBrasi on the night of ConnieCorleone’s wedding. Thefour-legged assassin, whohad been seen drinkingheavily at the Corleoneestate that afternoon, felldown a flight of stairs whileon his way up to Luca’sapartment. Luca shot thehorse, hacked off his headand mailed it to Hollywood.
Dear Movie Guy,
When I watch “TheEmpire Strikes Back,” I’malways impressed by thepuppet work in the sceneswith Yoda. Was that a chal-lenge for the filmmakers?
— Impressed in Iola
George Lucas threatenedto fire Yoda twice on thatpicture. He used The Forceto make the crew forgetabout scenes he didn’t wantto shoot. “Yoda, though aformidable Jedi master, isnot a professional actor. Hekeeps humping my legbetween takes,” LukeSkywalker said at the time.Yoda replied, “Insolent, myyoung Padawan is.” Notsurprisingly, Lucas chose tocreate a digital Yoda for thenew “Star Wars” films.
Dear Movie Guy,
My wife thinks Frodo andSam have a homosexualrelationship in “The Lord of the Rings.” I think this is oneof the greatest platonic malefriendships in movie history.Who’s right?
— Platonic in Prairie Village
Your wife’s right — Frodoand Sam are all about hob-bit love.
‘Movie guy’ dispels movie myths
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2005