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An Untitled Play

An Untitled Play

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Published by Elizabeth Breed

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Published by: Elizabeth Breed on Aug 13, 2012
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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 An Untitled Play or My Writing Is So Meta
A play by Elizabeth Breed
SCENE . The living room in the house of four friends: LIZ, JESS, JAKE, and ROB. Liz issitting at the dining room table on her laptop. Jess is sitting on the couch,reading a book. Liz is typing away feverishy, and she gets frustrated, slammingher hands on the keyboard.
JESS. Are you trying to break your computer?
LIZ. I’m frustrated. This isn’t working.
JESS. I don’t know why you put such a pressure on yourself.
To write 31 plays in 31
days? That’s kind of ridiculous, don’t you think? It’s already day 12 andyou’re out of ideas.
LIZ. I just need to think…
 JESS. Liz, take a break. The boys will be home soon. We can go out! Do some
drinking… meet some men…
 LIZ. I have to finish.
JESS. This can’t run your life. I thought it was supposed to be fun.
LIZ. But I love doing it… it’s just…stressful…
 JESS. Yes, so you say in like all
of your Facebook updates… and blog posts. We
should go out!
LIZ. I’ll go out as soon as I finish. I just have a little bit of writer’s block, that’s all.
JESS. Oh no! The dreaded writer’s block!
 LIZ. Haha, very funny.
(She gets a “spark of genius” and 
types away.)
(She typesand gets more frusterated. The spark is gone.)
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck!JESS. Liz? Hi! You need to control your anger. Do you want help?
LIZ. I should really do this myself… I’m sorry.
(Jake enters.)
JAKE. What’s up
, ladies?
(He sees that Liz is distressed.)
Liz, have you been to thebathroom today? You look a little constipated.
JESS. It’s the plays.
JAKE. The plays?JESS. The plays.JAKE. Oh no, not the dreaded plays! Are we going out tonight or what?JESS. Not until Liz finishes her play for the today.
JAKE. Doesn’t she
realize she needs to get a life?
JESS. I know. But she loves them… it’s kinda making her a bitch.
 LIZ. I can hear you.
JAKE. Sorry. Hey, I ordered a pizza. It’ll be here any minute.
I can’t eat, Jake. I’m writing feverishly. I have no idea what to write about. I’m
completely stuck.
JESS. Why don’t we just… throw out some ideas for you? That’s not against any rule,
is it?
LIZ. There aren’t really rules, per se. Just… I feel like I have to do this myself. I don’t 
need help.
JAKE. That’s too bad, because I have some really great ideas.
LIZ. Like what?JAKE. Well, what if you wrote a musical?LIZ. In a day?
JAKE. Well, Rome was built in a day…
(He stops.)
I got that wrong, didn’t I?LIZ. I can’t write a musical.JAKE. That’s too bad.
 JESS. What if you wrote a romantic comedy? Everyone loves those. We could get 
Kristen Bell to star in it…
 JAKE. Oh! Or Rachel McAdams!JESS. Yes! And it could be about 
some… artist who loses her memory and her
husband has to try and make her fall in love with him all over again!LIZ. I think they already wrote that.
JAKE. I know! Why don’t you take a classic story and adapt it? Like Shakespeare!
Oh! You know what you
could do? You could make “Romeo and Juliet” into amusical set in New York! That’s original.
LIZ. No it’s not, it’s “West Side Story”
 JAKE. Well, you should take a break from all this and we should all go out!
LIZ. I can’t go do anything until this is
finished, guys.
(Rob enters, a la Kramer from
ROB. Hey guys, how’s it hanging?
 JESS. We are trying to help Liz write her play for the day.
ROB. She’s still doing that? I thought she broke her computer and gave up on that 
after Word crashed and she lost that whole play.
LIZ. We should not talk about that…
JAKE. We’re trying to give her some ideas
JESS. She hasn’t really liked any of them so far.
JAKE. But we really think she’s getting too stressed out.
ROB. You’re right. And she hasn’t been a whole lot of fun since she started this. She’s
kind of a bitch.LIZ. I can still hear you!
ROB. So… you’re still having trouble with an idea… hrm… I’ve got it! Porn!
 LIZ. Porn?ROB. Porn!Just have them end with porn. Look, the point is finishing them, right?Might as well make it interesting.
(Jake giggles.)
Ok, I’m sorry, but that was hilarious…
 JESS. I agree with Rob. A pizza delivery guy can always show up.
LIZ. I’m not going to write a play about porn.
ROB. You’re not writing a play about porn, you’re just writing a porn.
LIZ. No! Absolutely not!JAKE. Oh! Can I be in the porn play?JESS. Me too! I can make porn faces!
(She makes some porn faces.)
We are all actors, Liz. We got your back. We will be in your porn play.
LIZ. Guys, I’m sorry, but the porn play
is not happening!

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