SO FAR AWAY 8/8/2012 Written by Brent R.

Terry

SO FAR AWAY INT. EXEC PENDLETON OFFICE, NYC - DAY EXEC PENDLETON and EXEC KENNEDY are in the room. Both are in their 50's or 60's. Exec Pendleton is lean and fit, while Exec Kennedy is a little round around the waist line. On his desk is the current copy of Newsweek featuring the picture of Christopher Walken as seen in Wedding Crashers. EXEC PENDLETON I know. My bonus last year was barely enough to cover the vacation homes. It's a good thing we've still got Bradley, or we'd really be hurting. EXEC KENNEDY How is he doing, anyway? Are you sure we've still got him? EXEC PENDLETON I check his status regularly. The average salary for his position last year was $278,000. We paid him $33,493. He took two sick days, both for hangovers, and no vacation days. EXEC KENNEDY Well, that does sound good, but when is that last time you actually talked to him? Is he still happy? He's not going to leave us, is he? EXEC PENDLETON I talked to him a couple of months ago, but if it makes you feel better, I'll bring

him in again. EXEC KENNEDY Okay, but are you sure we are paying him enough? I don't want to lose him over a couple thousand. EXEC PENDLETON He's fine, but, if it makes you you feel better, I'll talk to accounting. Say, $2500 a year? EXEC KENNEDY Yeah, I can live with that. Exec Pendleton picks up his phone and pushes a button. INT. LAUNDRY ROOM OF A HOTEL BRAD is a moderately cynical and sarcastic mechanic who is presently working on a pressure washer machine. The room is large and in an open area where there are several employees working at any given time. He is wearing a gray jumpsuit with a RAJE, Inc. logo on the back, and the name BRAD on the front left pocket. Several parts are strewn all over the floor around him. He is young, in his late 20's or early 30's, and is very easy on the face. His phone rings, but he lets it go straight to voice mail. He is putting the parts back together when we meet MELANIE. She has headphones on and is listening to Don't Fear the Reaper with the cowbell included, as seen in the Saturday Night Live skit with Christopher Walken. She walks over while listening to the song, pulls the headphones from her ears, and begins chatting him up. MELANIE So, whatcha got going on under there? Need help with anything?

BRAD Sure, could you hand me that tool by the screwdriver there? MELANIE Oh, sure thing Brad! She looks over at the tools and finds the screwdriver which has the Binford logo on it, as seen in Home Improvement. Next to it, lies a VERY dirty, VERY oily, VERY messy tool of some kind. She's never seen anything like it before. She picks it up, and immediately, oil and grease get all over her hands. The tool then slips out of her hands and hits the ground, splattering oil and grease all over her. BRAD hears the commotion and stops working on the machine. He sees her all dirty and disheveled. BRAD (no surprise at all) What happened? MELANIE I don't know! I went to grab that tool, and it just slipped out of my hands, and now look at me! BRAD takes a step back and looks at her. BRAD Look fine to me. MELANIE And I probably ruined my nylons. These were my best pair! BRAD Aaah, they look fine. MELANIE gets an idea and shows she's not going away so easily.

MELANIE And, I think I got something in my eye. BRAD takes her face in his greasy hands and looks into her eye. In the process, quite a bit of grease gets all over her face. BRAD Nope, it looks clear to me. BRAD looks at the tool that she tried to pick up. BRAD cont. Was this the tool that you tried to hand me? MELANIE Yes BRAD Well that's the problem. Wrong tool. I wanted this one! He grabs the tool on the other side of the screwdriver and goes back to work. He leaves her there to contemplate what just happened, and we see her slowly slink away, with spots of grease on her from head to toe. BRAD continues to put the machine back together, and he seems happy to do so. When he turns the machine on to make sure it works properly, he beams from ear to ear with pride. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NEW YORK CITY DAY BRAD walks out onto the street and heads to the subway. In the background, it is apparent that Kramer is the new Marlboro man, but Brad is unaware of the change. There is also an advertisement for Chelsea Stoker including the Zorro mask as seen in Don Juan de Marco, which

Brad also doesn't notice. He has a rather passive walk. It is not the confident walk of a man who knows where he is going in life, but the walk of someone who is wandering aimlessly through life. There is no spring in his step, because life has already beaten him. While en route to his next job, he checks his cell phone. BRAD (V.O.) Looks like I gotta go to corporate again. I really hate those schmucks. Why can't they just stay out of my way and let me do my job? INT. MADISON HOTEL LOBBY, NYC The interior foyer of the hotel says that his is a posh place for those who want luxury, and don't care about the cost. The Madison Hotel logo is present behind the workers and is the only sign in the room. In fact, it's the only sign that it is a hotel at all. The rest of the lobby shows that no expense was spared in creating the ultimate guest experience. Working at the front desk, are JESSICA and MICHELLE. Michelle is a reasonably attractive woman in her late 20's. Jessica's physical description is a bit more complex. She too is in her late 20's, with long red hair, but while at work, she wears her hair and makeup in a way that makes her look more professional. Her hair is up, and she wears glasses instead of contact lenses. She has the look of someone who might be VERY good looking, but you just can't tell. The two of them are chatting away. JESSICA The last 6 guys I met up with were great, until I actually met them! And I do NOT need to get out. I'm doing just fine, thank you. MICHELLE So you're looking for Mr. perfect! You think you're

shit don't stink? These are men you are talking about, perfection doesn't exist. JESSICA No, I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect. Nobody is perfect. MICHELLE So what was wrong with the last guy? JESSICA The date itself didn't go very well, or so I thought. He thought it went great. Turns out he is a stalker. I wasn't sure how to make him go away, without losing a few pints of blood, so I improvised. MICHELLE You improvised? JESSICA I told him I was a lesbian. I lost a bet with my girlfriend, and had to take a date with a straight guy to punish me for my insolence. Then I had to act like I liked it, to further punish myself. MICHELLE And he bought that? JESSICA Oh he bought it, but he didn't like it. He yelled at me for 15 minutes about playing with a person's emotions like that. But he hasn't talked to me since!

MICHELLE I'll have to remember that one. And the guy before that? JESSICA Set up from church. Turns out he was gay and was using religion to mask it. I caught him checking out two other guys during the date! MICHELLE So you got set up with a gay guy? JESSICA Yes, and he was actually the best of the bunch! He's one of my best girlfriends now. MICHELLE Okay, what about the guy before him? JESSICA Wife beater in training. MICHELLE And the guy before him? JESSICA Total narcissist. Guy should just marry himself. MICHELLE And the guy before that? JESSICA Had eight hands instead of two. MICHELLE And before that?

JESSICA Married. I found out after the third date. MICHELLE Wow, that is pretty bad! So let me get this straight, that makes one married, one octopus, a narcissist, a wife beater, a homosexual and a stalker! EXT. TOLLBOOTH NYC BRIDGE MICHELLE'S IMAGINATION Adam Sandler is seen in the scene from Big Daddy working at the tollbooth. INT. MADISON HOTEL LOBBY, NYC CONT. MICHELLE Maybe Sonny isn't the best guy for you after all. JESSICA I appreciate you looking out for me Michelle, but a little Jessica time is just what the doctor ordered right now, okay? BRAD now walks up to the front desk and waits. There is now someone else in line. A man, woman and young child have come to the front desk, and they talk to JESSICA. FRAZZLED DAD We're at our wits end here. He keeps complaining about monsters in his closet. Even drew a picture of it.

JESSICA Oh, poor little guy. FRAZZLED DAD Now you're sure that the room won't have a closet in it, right? JESSICA That's correct, only the luxury suites have closets in them. I'd be happy to upgrade you, but in this case, I think it's best that I don't. FRAZZLED DAD THANK YOU for not upgrading us! We need some sleep! JESSICA Well, here are some coupons for the restaurant if you want them. I do hope you have a pleasant stay with us. The frazzled dad looks relieved at this prospect. JESSICA sees that the young man has a hand drawn picture in his hand. JESSICA cont. Can I see your picture young man? The KID sheepishly hands her the picture. It is drawn in crayon, and is a picture of George, as seen in Monsters, Inc. JESSICA You know, monsters used to scare me when I was a little girl. They used to jump out of my closet at night and scare me so I couldn't sleep.

KID You too? JESSICA So you know what I did? KID What? JESSICA One night, I waited with a baseball bat, and when the monster came, I hit him as much as I could, as hard as I could. And he never bothered me again! KID Wow! JESSICA Now you don't have to worry about monsters here though. I got rid of all of them, so you sleep good tonight, okay? The KID leans over to his dad and asks him something we don't hear. The FRAZZLED DAD then puts him up on the counter and he gives JESSICA a big hug. The frazzled dad gives her a look of thank you and they start walking away. Jessica nods to say you're welcome. As they are leaving, the Bellhop comes to them and asks where they are going. FRAZZLED DAD Looks like we're in room 2319. Brad now walks up to JESSICA who is now free. BRAD Hear you got a new install. Alright if I head on back? JESSICA

You're good to go Brad. I've alerted security that you would be coming. Is there anything else you need? BRAD Nope, just take me a few minutes to get everything up and running for you. BRAD walks away without looking back. He knows exactly where he is going without being shown. He exits the room. Michelle takes out a pack of Holiday Gum as seen in Twenty Bucks and takes out two pieces. She gives one to Jessica and eats the other. MICHELLE How come he always talks to you? I could eat him for dinner and still have leftovers for breakfast. JESSICA Maybe that's why he always talks to me: I don't care. INT. HOTEL LAUNDRY ROOM MADISON HOTEL NYC BRAD works on the machine for a minute. He grabs into his bag of tools and pulls out a single can of Elsinore Beer, as seen in Strange Brew, opens it up and takes a long drink. He then removes the tab and inserts it into the machine. Then he turns on the machine and gets a big smile on his face when it works like a dream. He takes a minute to fill out a little paperwork and finish the beer. He picks up his tools, grabs the paperwork, and starts walking back to the front desk. We see him make several turns in the laundry room into other areas of the hotel where guests would never be allowed, until he finally arrives in the lobby. He again walks right back up to JESSICA. MICHELLE is busy with another guest, an arab dressed in the traditional robe and headware, and we overhear a snippet of their

conversation going on simultaneously: INT. MADISON HOTEL LOBBY NYC CONT. MICHELLE I assure you that everything will be perfect for Prince Habibu. It will be just as you requested. BRAD Install paperwork is a little different. Need to sign at all 5 X's and initial the bottom of each page. Then fax it copy to corporate and mail the originals. Got all that? JESSICA Everything sounds great, Brad. We appreciate you coming out on such short notice. BRAD No problem. Be back in a couple weeks. Corporate should be scheduling the appointment with you. Any questions? JESSICA No, I think you've got us covered. Thank you so much. Brad just nods, takes his tools and exits. INT. JEANNINE'S OFFICE DAY BRAD walks into the office and is greeted by JEANNINE.

She is a somewhat plump woman in her 50's, but you can tell by looking at her that she knows what she's doing. This receptionist choice was not about looks, but about proficiency, and she's one of the best. The clock on the wall in the background shows 3:25. JEANNINE Hello, Bradley. I'll let Mr. Pendleton know you are here for your 3:30. BRAD That would be great, Jeannine. Thank you. BRAD goes over to a waiting area and sits down. We see a pile of magazines there, but Brad already knows that none will hold any interest for him. On the top of the pile is a copy of the Wall Street Journal. The lead article is showing a picture of Damian Lewis. The caption for the article reads: Free, but at what cost? The article is referring to Damian's character in Life. There is another article on the front page about the death of financier Sidney Pearlstein, which refers to Panic Room. Brad pays no attention to these things though, but just hunkers down to wait, because he's been through this drill before and knows it's going to be awhile. The clock in the background seems to slow as the camera focuses on it. Eventually, the clock shows approximately 4:30. JEANNINE Mr. Pendleton will see you now. BRAD Thanks BRAD walks back passed Jeannine and enters an office. There is a name plate on the door that reads S.M. Pendleton. He knocks on the door and waits for a response. EXEC PENDLETON Come in, Bradley. Come in!

BRAD Thank you, sir. The room is a shrine to is a copy of the latest featuring the Cleveland League and the caption the gods of luxury. On the desk issue of Sports Illustrated Indians as seen in Major reads How are they doing it?

EXEC PENDLETON I like to keep tabs on all of my employees. I like to make sure that we are taking good care of them. BRAD Doin' fine. EXEC PENDLETON I just wanted you to know how much we appreciate all your hard work here. We just had a meeting a few hours ago about a lot of cut backs. Some people wanted to cut your department entirely. A look of consternation falls upon BRAD'S face upon hearing that news. EXEC PENDLETON Don't worry. I won't let that happen. I told the board exactly how valuable you were. BRAD Thanks, Mr. Pendleton. Really appreciate that. You've always stood up for me, means a lot. EXEC PENDLETON With some of the cuts, I

even managed to get you a small raise. BRAD Wow! That is very generous of you. Don't know what to say. Do my best to earn it. EXEC PENDLETON I'm sure you will, Bradley. I've no doubt of that. Upon leaving the room, Exec Pendleton has a HUGE smile on his face, knowing that Brad is still safely in his back pocket. EXT. MIAMI AIRPORT - NIGHT A plane lands. INT. CAR MIAMI - NIGHT BRAD drives the car from the airport to his hotel. He drives like a local, because he knows exactly where he is going. He drives past a sign pointing directions for The Neary Center for Exceptional People as seen in There's Something About Mary. There is another sign for Shady Pines Retirement Home as seen in Golden Girls. Brad goes in a different direction and pulls into a liquor store. We see him go in empty handed, and come out with a brown bag. INT. HOTEL ROOM, MIAMI - NIGHT BRAD is sitting on the bed, watching tv. There is a box of pizza labeled Three Guys From Nowhere and he is drinking bourbon straight from the bottle. INT. PITTSBURGH HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT BRAD is sitting on the bed, watching tv, the news is on. First up is an announcement showing that Edgar Reese was

executed as shown in Fallen and that the execution went as scheduled, unlike the last execution, that of Rupert Ames (as seen in Law Abiding Citizen.) Then it switches to weather and Bill Murray is doing it a la Groundhog Day. Brad has no idea any of this is going on though, as he is paying more attention to his bottle. INT. HOTEL ROOM, UNKNOWN WHEREABOUTS BRAD is sitting on the bed, watching tv, drinking tequila straight from the bottle. On the tv is the novela from Psych featuring James Roday. The television show is cut with another scene with other actors not seen in that show, so that it will not be confused with that episode of the show. Brad isn't paying much attention to it though, and the fact that he doesn't speak Spanish is of little concern. INT. HOTEL ROOM, HOUSTON BRAD is sitting on the bed, watching tv, drinking rum straight from the bottle. He falls asleep in front of the tv. The tv is on the tv guide channel which has an advertisement for Soul Glo as seen in Coming to America in the top half of the screen and has vivid descriptions of each channel, in the bottom half of the screen. While Brad is sitting in his stupor, the following descriptions pass by: ESPN8 The Ocho 8-9, Highlights from the 1984 All Valley Under 18 Karate Tournament in Southern California. All Kids Channel 8-830, Euvegia Doubtfire presents dinosaurs of the Triassic time period. All infomercials 8-9, Tappy Timmons presents 30 days to a new you! He'll give you three rules that will change your life forever! The Convention Channel 8-9, highlights from the 1971 Nevada State Police Convention from Las Vegas. The Hunting Channel 8-2, 6 hours, live and uncut, Treed

by a moose! The Pay Per View Channel, 8-10, Afro Whores. Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters. The sequel channel 8-10, Rocky 10. Rocky is spending his remaining days in a nursing home when the worker eats his jello. It's on! ESPN Classic 8-930, The 1985 New York Yankees 3 inning exhibition game against the Hackensack Bulls. The Bug Zapper Channel 8-9, Live from New Orleans! The Tennis Channel 8-8, watch every point of every match in Peter Colt's historic rise to the top at Wimbledon in 2004. His watch wakes him up the next morning and he awakes as if nothing is amiss. There is no hangover to worry about. He is a functioning alcoholic and this is business as usual for him. Right now, it's time to get ready for work. INT. HOTEL LOBBY, HOUSTON - DAY Emma comes walking into the lobby and walks past an advertisement for a seminar to be held at the hotel. There is a picture of Stellan Skaarsgard and the title says Fields Medal Winner Gerald Lambeau to discuss effects of combunatorial mathematics on new oil refining processes. This is obviously of no concern to Emma as she has grease on her. She is not happy. She walks into the bathroom. INT. HOTEL FRONT DESK, HOUSTON DAY, cont. EMMA walks out of the bathroom and has cleaned herself up now. She walks to the front desk. On the counter, behind guest view is a copy of Poise magazine with Jennifer Lopez on the cover, as seen in 13 Going on 30.

CINDY Did you know that Brad is here? I just love looking at him. EMMA Don't bother, he's immune to your charms. Cindy takes this as a challenge and walks back into the break room. She comes out with a blender in hand and smashes it on the ground. She picks it up with a smug look on her face and walks back towards the laundry room. INT. HOTEL LOBBY, HOUSTON DAY, cont. CINDY now walks back from the laundry room, holding the broken blender. She walks over to the garbage can and throws it in there with more than a little anger. A different view can be seen now behind the front desk. Three wanted posters can now be seen, featuring the three fugitives from Happy, Texas. EMMA Wow, that was fast! CINDY He's gotta be gay. No straight man could ever turn both of us down. EMMA Well, there is a way to find out! EMMA then signals for BRETT THE BELLHOP to come over to the front desk. The bellhop is a young man in his early 30's and exceptionally handsome. BRETT THE BELLHOP How may I be of service? CINDY Relax Brett, this is a social

call. BRETT THE BELLHOP Oh, okay. What's up? EMMA We have an assignment for you. BRETT THE BELLHOP You want some more Starbucks? EMMA No. You know Brad, the washing machine guy? BRETT THE BELLHOP Yeah, sure. EMMA We want you to find out if he's gay. BRETT THE BELLHOP He's not. Straight as a fence post. EMMA Really? You can tell just by looking? You've got the queer eye or something? BRETT THE BELLHOP No. Some guys have it, some guys don't. And he doesn't have it. CINDY Well we don't believe you. We both think he's gay. Will you find out for us? BRETT THE BELLHOP Leave the poor guy alone! It's bad enough that he's got you two all over him. Now

you want me to chase him too? Give the guy a break. CINDY We'll give you $20 bucks. BRETT THE BELLHOP $20 bucks each? Brett the Bellhop exits towards the laundry room. INT. HOTEL LOBBY, HOUSTON DAY, CONT. BRETT THE BELLHOP returns from the laundry room. BRETT THE BELLHOP Sorry ladies. He's immune to my charms as well. Now pay up! INT. HOTEL ROOM NYC BRAD has settled in for the night. He's kicked his shoes off, he's laying on the bed, drinking from a bottle, we can't tell what it is yet, but he's watching tv. He's flipping channels and comes across a scene from The Matrix where lots of people are seen on the street. BRAD (V.O.) Morons! They're machines and they don't even know it. Brad changes the channel and finds something else. We hear from the tv: Coming up next, we have coverage from the historic All-American ping pong team's visit to China. Don't miss a single match! Meanwhile, the screen is showing several shots of old matches, including one with Forrest Gump. In the background of our set, someone pushes a flyer under the door, but BRAD

doesn't see it as he's too busy watching ping pong. During a commercial break, he gets up to go to the bathroom. He sees the bright yellow flyer on the floor. He picks it up and takes it with him for some reading material while on the john. The flyer reads as follows, in big bold letters: Life got you down? change? Are you ready for your life to

In smaller print now: FREE seminar TONIGHT at 7:00PM! BRAD checks the time and finds that it is currently 6:45PM. He returns to the bed to continue his drinking and tv, but can't find anything on worth watching. He takes another look at the flyer. BRAD (V.O.) Maybe they'll have coffee. INT. HOTEL MEETING ROOM BRAD walks into the room which holds about 200 people. There are about 25 in the room. He takes a seat near the back. DANIEL gets up to speak. He is a very plain looking man in his late 40's. There is nothing flashy about him and nothing that would set him apart from anyone else. He's wearing a cheap suit that has seen better days. He begins to speak and he doesn't rely on verbal or emotional pyrotechnics. He doesn't rely on people in the audience to give him fake applause. He relies only on his message, which is simple and strikes a note in the audience. DANIEL I would like to thank you all for coming out. Something brought you here this evening. It really doesn't matter what. Maybe you were

bored, maybe there wasn't anything good on tv. The point is, you're here, and something motivated you to come here. BRAD (V.O.) Wow, right on both counts. DANIEL cont. Do any of you feel like life has you down? Not enjoying life anymore? BRAD (V.O.) Enjoyed a good bottle of Tequila last night. DANIEL cont. We're all far too familiar with the problem of unhappiness. I'd like to talk to you tonight about a solution. The best part about this solution is that it is simple. You don't have to pay enormous amounts of money for a drug. You don't have to take a pilgrimage to some remote Peruvian village. And you don't have to be locked in a room with a saw as your only way out. BRAD (V.O.) Drugs are sounding pretty good right about now. DANIEL cont. Part of the solution consists of using 'Mindfulness. The Buddhists use mindfulness as a way to find peace in a chaotic world. It centers them and helps them control

their emotions and understand themselves. BRAD (V.O.) Mindfulness. Phhf. Like to be mindful of that free coffee right about now. DANIEL cont. When we are mindful, we live life in the moment! We savor each sensation! BRAD (V.O.) Live in the moment, blah, blah, blah. DANIEL cont. Turn off the autopilot in our lives. Don't drive on autopilot, don't do your work on autopilot, don't do anything on autopilot. Remove the autopilot from your life. Instead of tuning out, tune back in! BRAD (V.O.) Tune back in? Ugh, don't know. With that, BRAD decides he's heard enough. He gets up to leave, but is given a flyer on the way out the door. On his way out, he can still hear DANIEL's next spiel. DANIEL cont. Eat a habanero pepper, just to remind yourself, that YOU ARE ALIVE! Try doing that on autopilot and see what

happens! Brad leaves the room and walks back to his hotel room. INT. NY HOTEL ROOM NIGHT - CONT. BRAD grabs his bottle and resumes drinking from his bottle, and we still can't see exactly what it is. A program begins and ends, and he is on autopilot throughout. As the program is ending, he realizes he missed the whole thing. It is then that he realizes that he is EXACTLY what the presenter was talking about. He looks down at the bottle, and back up at the tv contemplatively. BRAD (V.O.) Can't hurt, right? Guess the guy did make SOME sense. BRAD picks up the hotel phone. BRAD Like a pepperoni pizza, a bottle of water, and a habanero pepper. BRAD wanders around the room for a minute. He doesn't want to turn on the tv. He doesn't have anyone to call, because he really doesn't have any friends. BRAD (V.O.) Wonder what's on his website. Guess I better check it out, see how this is supposed to go.

BRAD gets his laptop out and grabs the flyer that was given to him at the presentation. He logs onto the internet but first goes to a cartoon called Deputy Dog as referenced in The Waterboy. He laughs a little bit, then uses finder spyder and types in the address from the flyer. He pulls the website and starts scanning the page. He finds something that looks interesting and begins reading: BRAD Do something nice for someone else, with no thought of reward. This requires you to be mindful of others. You'll feel better for doing it, and they'll feel better too. BRAD looks up from the computer screen for a moment. BRAD (V.O.) Have to try that one out tomorrow. BRAD keeps looking on the website and finds something else. BRAD Society is full of problems today. Mental illness, crime, debt, hostility, poverty, and pollution all abound. One problem that often goes overlooked, is unhappiness. Many of those other problems are often symptoms of this problem. As humans, we've been lied to. We've been told that we don't have to be happy, that we

don't deserve to be happy, that we must accept our lot in life. THAT IS A LIE. If you don't like your life, CHANGE IT! If you aren't happy, CHANGE IT! We were created to be happy, we were meant to be happy, and ANYONE can be happy. BRAD (V.O.) Wow. BRAD keeps looking through other sections of the website and finds something else. BRAD These are not simply things that can be tried once, the desired result obtained, and then forgotten. These are lifestyle changes that will help a person be happy. They must be repeated again and again in order to be completely successful. BRAD stops reading the computer when there is a knock on the door. INT. HOTEL ROOM NYC, CONT. BRAD is looking at the pizza. Instead of just going at it, he smells the pizza first. He notes that the pizza is still hot. He looks to decide which piece he wants to eat and selects the first one. He takes the first bite and chews slowly, thoughtfully. BRAD (V.O.)

That's not bad. BRAD keeps chewing. BRAD (V.O.) cont. Think they have some parmesan in there. BRAD takes another bite. BRAD (V.O.) cont. And that pepperoni has a little spice. BRAD takes another bite of the pizza. BRAD (V.O.) cont. Nope, it was just that one piece. Had a little extra kick. Weird that I noticed. Brad keeps chewing slowly, thoughtfully. BRAD takes another slice of the pizza and begins eating. BRAD (V.O.) cont. Man! Shoulda ordered some milk. That would go GREAT with this right about now. BRAD takes a long drink from the bottle of water, then takes a look at the habanero. He picks it up and looks it over carefully. He brings it up to his nose for a smell. BRAD (V.O.) cont.

Hm.

Doesn't smell hot. All right, let's do this.

BRAD takes the habanero, bites it in half and starts chewing. After about a half second, a physical reaction occurs. He immediately swallows the pepper and grabs the bottle of water. He shot guns the whole bottle as fast as it will go down. When it's finished, it still has brought no relief. BRAD cont. AAAGGGGHHH! Brad starts looking around the room for something that might help. He grabs the bottle of alcohol which we now see for the first time. We now see it is Uncle Jemima's Pure Mash Liquor (as seen in the Saturday Night Live Skits) and he starts swigging that, but that doesn't help either. He starts looking around the room, frantically. He grabs his travel case and looks through that, with no avail. He looks in the fridge, but it is empty. He starts fanning the air in front of his mouth, but even that doesn't help. We see the sweat beading up in his face now and a tear or two coming from his eyes, as he has resigned himself to his fate. He sits on the bed and starts doing breathing exercises in the attempt to distract himself from the pain in his mouth.

INT. MADISON HOTEL, NYC - DAY BRAD has a little spring in his step. He's got a little more confidence now. Brad enters the hotel and walks towards the front desk. He sees that JESSICA is working, and heads directly towards her. Jessica is talking to a coworker, but sees Brad and motions for him to come forward and wait a minute. It appears that she has a pressing issue to address first. Behind the desk is a new copy of Vogue, featuring a sexy model on the cover. There is a note that mentions the photo was taken by Isabel Kelly (Stepmom). Neither person is

looking at it now as they have a problem. The problem is KEATON, a spoiled, semi-abandoned rich kid hanging around in the hotel lobby. He is causing a bit of a commotion. He is wearing a jacket, so the logo on his shirt cannot be seen at this time. JESSICA I know you're busy, but I'll cover for you. Just take the kid to the pool or the arcade. Take him to the park. I don't care. Just get him out of here. EMILY Oh come on! I hate that kid. JESSICA Who else is there? We can't call his parents, you know who THEY are. We've got to do something, and it's either you or me. Pleeeease? BRAD has overheard this part of their conversation, and the light bulb has gone off in his head. BRAD Think I might be able to help you out. JESSICA I'll be with you in just a moment, Brad. I just have to clear this up first. BRAD Got a spoiled rich kid, and need a babysitter?

JESSICA Yes, that's correct, and I'll be with you in just one minute, Brad. BRAD Think I can help you with your problem there. JESSICA You? How?

BRAD Just take him back with me, have him help. Should take a couple hours. Give you enough time for his parents to get back. JESSICA You would DO that? BRAD Sure. JESSICA He won't get in the way? BRAD Don't think he'll cause too much trouble. If he does, I'll jus send him back. JESSICA Normally, I would never entertain such an idea, but I

don't know what else to do! He has been nothing but trouble for the last half hour and we are so busy! Normally, we would never tolerate anything like this, but his parents are the Lippincotts. Their nanny quit on them without notice, and they are here for the week. BRAD S'no problem. JESSICA I'll just go tell him the news. Do you mind waiting here? BRAD Fine. JESSICA walks over to KEATON, who has begun making a new commotion in the lobby. She leans over to talk to him quietly, without drawing any attention to the situation, which we see from a distance. The kid's face sulks a little bit and he drags himself over towards BRAD. KEATON This stupid bitch says I gotta go with you. So where we goin'? BRAD What's your name, kid? KEATON Keaton.

BRAD Well, Keaton, you should be a little nicer to Jessica. Known her for a long time and she's a nice lady. If we're gonna work together, we gotta have a good relationship. KEATON Nobody said anything about work! You can't make me work! I'll call my dad! BRAD Relax, Keaton. How bout, I do the work, and you can help out if you want? Might even learn something. KEATON Me? Learn something from you? You're just a filthy maintenance man, what am I gonna learn from YOU? BRAD Why don't you come along and see? Might surprise you. Might get a little dirty too. KEATON I like getting dirty! Then I can track the mud all over the floor! It makes my mom REAL angry. Where do we go? BRAD and KEATON exit the lobby towards the laundry room. JESSICA and EMILY begin talking. EMILY

There is a God! I thought for sure I was going to be stuck with him. How did you pull that one off? JESSICA I don't know! There's no way it lasts more than 10 minutes though. That kid is going to tear him apart. EMILY Seriously though. How did you pull that off? JESSICA Actually, I didn't have that much to do with it. Brad offered to take him. EMILY Brad offered? JESSICA I know! After that stunt he pulled with Jenny a couple years ago, I thought he was a total jerk. EMILY What happened? I never heard about it. JESSICA She started to flirt a bit with him. Totally harmless. You know how she is. She was into him and just wanted to see if it would go anywhere. EMILY So what happened?

JESSICA By the time she left, she had oil all over her feet, legs, and stomach, and he'd even rubbed oil on her face! EMILY No way! JESSICA I saw the mess myself. I helped her clean up some of it, as best I could anyway. It was a disaster. EMILY Why did he do that? JESSICA Because he's a jerk... At least that's what I thought. Now... I don't know. He's never been mean to me, but he's never really been very nice either. EMILY Then why did he take Keaton off our hands? JESSICA I don't know. That's the mystery, Emily. I don't know. INT. LAUNDRY ROOM, MADISON HOTEL, NYC Brad and Keaton have a machine pulled apart. Parts are strewn all over the floor. Keaton has grease all over

him, especially on his hands, and a big smile on his face. JESSICA checks in on them, to make sure that everything is okay. She is surprised to see what she finds. Both have smiles on their faces! Keaton is actually working along side of Brad, and handing him tools. His shirt is visible now, and bears the logo of the Washington Senators as seen in The Replacements. He's tightening screws with a socket wrench now. She doesn't want to disturb this small miracle, so she leaves them without interrupting, but is definitely amazed. She walks back to share the news with EMILY who is on the phone. INT. MADISON HOTEL LOBBY, NYC CONT. EMILY Certainly. That will be no problem. We have had hundreds of government officials stay here in the past and all have been very satisfied. I'm sure that Senator Morra will be happy with the accommodations. There is a brief pause as she is listening to the other end of the phone call. EMILY Yes sir. Everything will be as you requested. Yes sir. Have a good day sir. Emily then hangs up the phone and looks at JESSICA. EMILY So, should I call in the SWAT team?

JESSICA Keaton is HELPING HIM! He LIKES it back there! EMILY Wow, that's twice in one day. I didn't see that coming. Am I losing my edge? JESSICA No, I don't think anyone saw it coming. EMILY Except Brad. JESSICA Yeah, how did he do that? I have to say, I'm impressed. INT. HOTEL LAUNDRY ROOM, MADISON HOTEL, NYC CONT. BRAD and KEATON are still working on the machine, but are cleaning up now. Keaton has an empty can of Booty Sweat Energy Drink as seen in Tropic Thunder at his side. BRAD That's because your parents are rich. Just because you are rich, doesn't mean you can be mean to people. Would you like it if everyone was rude to you? KEATON No, I'd fire them. BRAD

Well if you keep being rude, that's what's going to happen to you. People won't want to be around you, even IF you do have money. Can you do me a favor, Keaton? KEATON What is it? BRAD Will you TRY to be a little nicer? KEATON I guess I can try. KEATON realizes that his time with BRAD is up and is a little disappointed that it has been so short. He vows to be brave and puts on a strong face as they walk back to the hotel lobby. INT. HOTEL LOBBY, MADISON HOTEL, NYC CONT. BRAD has his tools and paperwork. KEATON is attached at the hip and they walk up to the front desk and head straight to JESSICA. BRAD All finished with the machines today. Good as new. Finished a little early because of my new helper here. KEATON's smile is as big as the city skyline with that comment.

JESSICA Speaking of your new helper, your parents returned about 10 minutes ago young man. They requested that you meet them in the restaurant. KEATON My mom and dad are back? JESSICA Yes, sir. They are probably waiting for you right now. I was about to send for you when you showed up. KEATON Good thing you didn't, stupid bi... KEATON looks up at BRAD half apologetically, half confidently that he was keeping his promise. KEATON I mean, thank you, and I'm sorry for those names I called you earlier. JESSICA's and Emily's jaws almost hit the floor with that last comment. They can't believe what they are hearing. JESSICA Well, thank you for that apology, Keaton. I hope you enjoy lunch with your parents. Now it comes time for KEATON to say goodbye to BRAD, and

he does not want to do it. He gives him a hug, and you can tell, that for him, that is a HUGE thing. KEATON Thanks for letting me help you today. Sorry about those mean things I said to you earlier. BRAD No problem, Keaton. Thanks for helping. Couldn't have finished so soon without you. Did a real nice thing there with JESSICA, I'm proud of you. KEATON Well, I guess I gotta go. Thanks. KEATON realizes he's about to cry, so he half walks, half runs away before the tears come. JESSICA How did you do that? BRAD Was just giving the kid a compliment. JESSICA Not that, how did you keep him busy that long... and make him act... nice. BRAD Oh. Most people are willing to help someone if they can.

I just let him help me. Made him feel important. Kid just wants some attention. JESSICA Wow. I never knew it could be so easy. That kid has been a holy terror all morning, and you calmed him right down like it was nothing. BRAD just stands there a little nervously, not biting on the compliment, and not really sure what to say here. You can tell that this is perhaps not uncomfortable, but definitely unfamiliar social territory for him. JESSICA Where are you off to now? BRAD Lunch, then I got a quick job at the Beresford before I head to the airport. JESSICA So you are leaving town this evening? BRAD Yeah, gotta go to L.A. At this response, JESSICA is definitely disappointed. On an impulse, she just decides to go for it. JESSICA I know a great restaurant over near the Beresford. I can take my lunch now, if you

want to go check it out. This request surprises BRAD more than a little bit. He has known JESSICA for a few years now, and she's never been anything but professional. His first inclination is to say no and get out of there, but he is doing things differently, so... BRAD Um, yeah. Got a little time to spare.

INT. ALLESANDRO'S RESTAURANT, NYC - DAY BRAD and JESSICA are sitting in the restaurant. It is Allesandro's Restaurant as seen in Friends. You can tell that Brad is nervous, so he starts drinking to make himself feel more comfortable. He has a drink already and Jessica has a cola. WAITER Were you ready to order? BRAD I think we need a little more time, but can I get another double scotch on the rocks? Did you want something to drink, Jessica? JESSICA I'm good with my diet coke. WAITER I'll bring that right out, sir. Now it comes to the part of the date that BRAD has been

dreading. It's time to talk. handle it.

He's not sure he can

JESSICA You are probably wondering why I asked you out like this. BRAD Was a little surprised. Been working your hotel for several years now and it's never come up. JESSICA is stumbling over her words like she's crushing for the first time. JESSICA Yes...well, when I saw what you did with Keaton, I just...well, I had to know more. I had you pegged as one person, and now after Keaton, I don't anymore. BRAD Was just trying to help you out of a jam. The next round arrives and BRAD immediately takes a HUGE gulp and nearly finishes the drink all at once, while JESSICA takes a dainty sip of her diet coke. BRAD Can I get another? The waiter just nods and walks away.

JESSICA But... you've never done anything like that before. It... just took me by surprise. BRAD Just figured you could use some help. Right about now, JESSICA is realizing that there isn't going to be an easy answer to her problem. If she wants to know what makes this guy tick, she's going to have to dig a little deeper. Her dating persona quickly emerges now as she prepares to go to work on BRAD. JESSICA Well, thank you. It was greatly appreciated. Emily and I were pulling our hair out, trying to figure out what to do with him, and then you came along and saved the day! The least I can do is buy you lunch. BRAD hasn't really noticed the change yet and is still going half clueless, half weary. BRAD Not necessary. I get a perdiem. JESSICA It doesn't matter if it's necessary. I want to. I need to do something to say thank you. I insist.

BRAD If you insist. JESSICA Good. Now that we've got that settled, tell me about yourself. Where are you from? BRAD Born in San Francisco. INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR SF FLASHBACK At the bottom of the screen, a caption reads: San Francisco, 1981 A pregnant woman is being pushed in a wheelchair down a hallway, past a tall black man wearing a cheap dark suit. He has fallen asleep and his head has slumped over so we can't see his face, but it appears to be Will Smith as seen in Pursuit of Happyness and he is there to sell a machine to the hospital, as the case is laying there at his feet. INT. ALLESANDRO'S RESTAURANT, NYC DAY, cont. BRAD When my dad left, mom moved to Nevada for a job. Grew up in a town called Tropico. JESSICA So how did you end up doing THIS? BRAD Senior year in high school, a bunch of buddies took a

roadie to Vegas. We all crammed into one hotel room. Good time. Had a bunch of booze and an all night Killer Golf Tournament. I was down at the front desk asking for directions when the maintenance guy came up. Said the pressure washer would never work again. JESSICA Oh I'll bet you loved that. BRAD Saw an opportunity. Asked the clerk if they would comp the room if I got the machine fixed. They agreed so fast, I knew I should have asked for more. JESSICA So what happened? BRAD Machine was messed up pretty good. Took me a couple hours to get it up and running again, but I did. JESSICA is really getting into the story now. JESSICA So what happened next? BRAD Maintenance man went in to see what I'd done. When he saw how I fixed it, he was amazed. Never seen anything

like it before. JESSICA I'll bet. We've never had a machine you couldn't fix... So how did you end up here? BRAD Maintenance man worked for RAJE. Made a call to corporate to tell them what happened. They called me later and set up an interview. JESSICA So how do you like your job? BRAD Get to travel all over. Food is free. Room is free. Get to fix stuff. It's good. JESSICA Get to travel all over... Sounds nice. BRAD At first it was. Kind of a drag now, but it's part of the job. Have enough air miles to go to Jupiter, and I can stay in hotels every day for a couple years. BRAD is on his 3rd double right now and when he sees the waiter, he signals him for a 4th. JESSICA is rather astonished at his drinking abilities and coherency, but does not want to say anything about it to make him feel uncomfortable. BRAD

So, enough about me. your story? JESSICA

What's

Well, I grew up in Queens. I went to school at St. Johns while working at the Madison. When I graduated, they gave me a promotion and I've been working my way up the ladder ever since. Whether it's the alcohol or the company, BRAD isn't sure, but he is starting to get a little more comfortable, and it's a little surprising to him. BRAD Noticed you've been changing jobs a bit over the years. You like it there? JESSICA I do. It's a good company and they take good care of me. BRAD That's good. Always nice to be appreciated. So what's next for you? President of the company? JESSICA No! JESSICA sits up straight in her chair now as if she is working. JESSICA cont. Everything in order. I've

been to school, I'm doing well in my job, and as I work hard, the promotions will come. BRAD What? No kids in there? Thought all women wanted kids. JESSICA Not all women want kids! But, yes, I would like kids some day, but in order. I have to find the right guy first, and get married, then have some kids. BRAD Old fashioned type huh? JESSICA Yes, I'm really old fashioned. I want to get settled down in my job before getting married and having kids! INT. RESTAURANT, NYC DAY CONT.

JESSICA You know, I think this is the first time we've ever really sat down and talked like this before. We should do this again! BRAD gets a pretty surprised look on his face, but starts warming up to the idea. JESSICA is almost as surprised as Brad. She hasn't had a bad time, but it's not like sparks were flying all over the place either.

BRAD Guess that would be alright. Haven't been on a date in a long time, don't really know what I'm doing. JESSICA laughs out loud at this. a little fishing. JESSICA I wouldn't be surprised if you had girlfriends all over the country. You're probably like one of those ball players that has a different girlfriend in every city. BRAD Nope, no girlfriends anywhere. JESSICA So when will you be back in New York? BRAD Don't really know. Probably a few weeks. JESSICA So you never really know WHERE you're going to be? BRAD Usually know a day or two at a time... Should I just call you at the hotel when I'm coming back to New York then? JESSICA Now she decides to do

No, you can call my cell. Let me give you the number. JESSICA grabs her purse and grabs a piece of paper from it, and a pen. She writes her number on the paper and hands it to him. BRAD Guess I better head on over to the Beresford. Don't want to miss my flight. JESSICA Okay. Well thank you for coming. I had a really good time and I'm glad we did this. BRAD Yeah, I had a good time too. Call you when I'm gonna get back. Brad gets up from the table and waves goodbye to Jessica. She gives a smile and waves back. INT. AIRPLANE NIGHT The changes continue for BRAD now. The cynicism and sarcasm are gradually being toned down. He's a little happier. Brad notices someone looking at the safety instructions, and something looks a little strange. He grabs his own copy to examine it further and it is the new and improved version as seen in Fight Club. Brad gets a puzzled look on his face but puts it back in the seat. The stewardess is coming down the aisle with the beverage cart. STEWARDESS

Would you like a beverage, sir? BRAD Bloody Mar... no wait, a coke. The stewardess pours him the drink and continues to move on down the aisle. BRAD takes the drink and savors each sip and is enjoying this decision. INT. CAR, L.A. - NIGHT BRAD is driving. He is in a Mexican part of the city and drives past Estela's Fashion Design Dresses for any Occasion, the sweat shop as seen in Real Women have Curves. He continues driving and passes the Musica Latina store as seen in Tortilla Soup. He then pulls up at a light behind two cars. To the left and front of him is a black BMW with the license plate SWEET and two guys are shaking their heads back and forth as seen in Night at the Roxbury. In the car immediately in front of Brad is a black Lincoln with the license plate NTGUILTY as seen in The Lincoln Lawyer. BRAD (V.O.) Sweet, guy's not guilty. Alright. Brad continues driving. He then passes Frank's Coffee Shop as seen in Larry Crowne. Then passes Price Trust Bank as seen in Confidence. BRAD (V.O.) Ya know, that presenter might actually know a thing or two after all. First the pizza, then Jessica. Could have done without the habanero, but the guy might be onto

something. He drives to a liquor store and pulls in. BRAD (V.O.) Know what? Gonna do something different. Been working so far. BRAD drives out of the liquor store parking lot instead of going inside. As he keeps driving, he passes Le Ritz Restaurant as seen in Matilda and Wormwood Motors also as seen in Matilda. He drives a little further and passes the Discount Inn Motel as seen in Memento then finally pulls into the Sunny Vista Notthingham Hotel as seen in Bedtime Stories. INT. SUNNY VISTA NOTTINGHAM HOTEL LOBBY, L.A. - DAY BRAD is at the front desk, having just finished a job. He is turning in the paperwork. BRAD Machine is finished. Good as new. Paperwork is here. Just need you to sign in three places, fax it over to corporate and mail the originals. EDWARD Sounds great Brad. BRAD Can you do me a favor? EDWARD

Certainly!

What can I do for you? BRAD

What is there to do in this town? EDWARD Huh? BRAD You know, for fun? What is there to do? EDWARD It's L.A. We have everything... Beaches, disneyland, the Lakers... What do you want? BRAD Well, I don't really know. EDWARD Wait a minute, you've been coming here for how many years, and YOU don't know what there is? A light goes on in EDWARD's head, and he thinks he gets the idea. EDWARD cont.. Wait... Did you want me to find you a date? Or some junk? BRAD No, no, no. It's not like that. I... just... never did

anything here in town before. Always stayed in my room. Ate room service... EDWARD is obviously relieved at hearing this. BRAD cont. Just want to get out. Do something. What is there to do? EDWARD If you want the touristy stuff, the brochures are over there. EDWARD points in the direction of the brochure stack sitting over against the wall. EDWARD cont. If you want a good restaurant, John Clasky just opened a new one. It hasn't been rated yet, so there's there's not a ton of buzz and there aren't any lines. BRAD Think I'll just stick to the brochures for now, but I might take you up on the restaurant later. EDWARD has now regained his composure and just views this as a normal work conversation. EDWARD Okay, well let me know if

there's anything else I can do for you. BRAD walks over to the brochures and starts looking through them. We see all of the brochures at once, but a few of them jump out. The first is the brochure from the movie Yes Man that has 'YES' written at the top of it in big letters. The second is a brochure for the Little Miss Sunshine Pageant to be held in Redondo Beach. Another is a flyer from the movie of the same name, advertising the Marilyn Hotchkiss Ballroom Dance and Charm School to be held at the South Pasadena Armory on Thursday nights. Another is for Old Sonora Town as seen in Psych. Another is for the Rosemoor Wildlife Park as seen in We Bought a Zoo. Brad ignores all of these though, and picks up one for the Santa Monica Pier. EXT. SANTA MONICA PIER NIGHT BRAD is walking around the pier at night. There are advertisements all over announcing that we need to Heal the Bay as seen in Cellular. We also see the Ride of Doom as seen in Bean. Brad is contemplating going inside. He overhears the following conversation between COWARD and another guy: COWARD No way. I aint going in there. I had a buddy who went on that ride a few years ago and he told me all about it. That ride aint safe dude. It completely threw him out of his chair! Brad takes the advice and keeps moving along. We see shots of Brad riding the rides and walking with a small stuffed animal he must have won at a gaming booth. We see him bothered by a man in a bunny costume, as seen in

The Net but he just walks away. That gives him a big grin on his face because he didn't get sucked into it. INT. CAR SAN FRANCISCO STREETS DAY Brad is driving the car and passes a trolley car to note the location as San Francisco. He then passes the EdTV truck as seen in EdTV, and then the shop Meats of the World with a woman standing outside in a traditional dutch costume and hair in braids and pointed outward in a U shape. We see her only from the back and are meant to believe that it is Harriet Michaels (Nancy Travis) as seen in So I Married an Axe Murderer. Brad keeps on driving. RESTAURANT, SAN FRANCISCO DAY The scene is set like it is in The Game when Conrad is presenting Nicholas with the gift certificate to CRS. It is the same elegant restaurant, but BRAD is sitting there, eating his lunch. He is enjoying each bite of his food. BRAD Oh, that is good. In the background, we hear the restaurant staff singing happy birthday to Mr. Van Orton. INT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL ROOM NIGHT A few weeks have passed and it's time for Brad to return to New York. It's time to make the phone call. He dials the number into the phone and then waits nervously until she answers. The screen splits and we can now see both Brad and Jessica as they talk on the phone. Jessica is at home cooking dinner. The tv in Brad's hotel room is on. First is the news special featuring Pay It Forward then it cuts to a commercial for Callahan Auto Parts as seen in Tommy Boy. The next

commercial is for Sploosh as seen in Holes. JESSICA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT JESSICA gets a little excited when she sees who is calling. She stops cooking to sit down and focus solely on the conversation. BRAD Hey there, Jessica. Brad. JESSICA Brad, Brad who? BRAD squirms a little in his seat with that comment. He's not very comfortable with this, and that just amplified things. BRAD It's Brad Thomas, from RAJE. Fix the pressure washers. JESSICA Oh that Brad! Yeah, I knew it was you. Your name came up on the caller ID. I was just giving you a hard time. BRAD Thanks. Had me squirming in my seat, wishing I hadn't called. JESSICA Oooohhh. Now I feel bad. I just wanted to give you a hard time. Most guys don't It's me,

take 3 weeks to call after the first date. BRAD Hadn't really thought about it that way. Sorry about that. You just said to call when I was heading back to New York. If it makes you feel any better, I got you a surprise. JESSICA A surprise, for me? it? BRAD Can't tell you... BRAD/JESSICA or it wouldn't be a surprise. BRAD Know that one, huh? JESSICA (a hint of flirtation here) Yes, I use it all the time, myself. If you got me a surprise though, I guess I can't get too mad at you then, can I? What is

BRAD totally doesn't pick up on the flirtation here and just keeps on going. BRAD My plane gets in tomorrow at three and I don't have any

jobs until the next day. up for dinner? JESSICA

You

Hmm. Tomorrow is Wednesday... yes, tomorrow night would be great. Where should we go? BRAD Was kinda hoping that you knew another place. That last restaurant you picked was so good. Know any other good spots? JESSICA Well, where are you staying? BRAD In New York, they always have me at the Maplewood. JESSICA Okay, there's a great little place near there. text you the details. I'll

INT. HOTEL SEVILLE RESTAURANT NYC - NIGHT The interior of the restaurant is identical to the set as seen in Don Juan de Marco. The musicians are playing the same song as they are in that movie, and we see the back of Johnny Depp as he is wearing the mask and cape, thus implying that both movies are occurring simultaneously. BRAD is already sitting at a table when JESSICA arrives. He has a stuffed animal wrapped in a plastic bag, to hide its contents. When he first sees Jessica, he doesn't believe his eyes. Brad is learning something new about Jessica here, as is the audience. Jessica is GORGEOUS!

BRAD Hhpphh. Bbblll... Wow!... Was I gone three weeks or three lifetimes? What happened? I barely recognized you! JESSICA Ooooh, you really know how to make a girl blush. BRAD Not that you looked bad before, but, wow!... What did you do? JESSICA I suppose I should have said something sooner. Have a seat. JESSICA sits down and BRAD anxiously awaits the story. JESSICA I've been on a LOT of bad dates over the years and I've seen that reaction before. A lot of guys can't get over my looks. It gets old having guys hit on you all the time when they know nothing about you. BRAD Okay. JESSICA At work, they have a dress code and professional

demeanor. They don't WANT their employees to look good; the term they use is business professional, which is short for uptight and ugly. BRAD nods his head in some kind of acknowledgment and understanding. JESSICA cont. When I'm at work, people treat me like a normal person. They look at me instead of just staring. They TALK to me, instead of just drooling, or rambling incoherent sentences. BRAD Yeah, sorry about that. JESSICA So I learned a few years ago to start dressing business professional, for my first dates. That way, I could weed out the jerks and find out who was actually serious about me and not just my looks. A look of understanding finally comes across BRAD'S face. JESSICA So I probably should have warned you that I was going to dress up tonight. BRAD

No, it's a good surprise. Much better than mine actually. BRAD hands her the plastic bag. JESSICA opens the bag and she pulls the stuffed animal out of the bag with a look of confusion. JESSICA Okay... What is it? BRAD Guess I should have warned you about this beforehand too. JESSICA laughs at this. BRAD When I was in L.A., I went to the Santa Monica Pier. They have carnival games and a few rides. JESSICA nods her head as she is following what he's saying. BRAD cont. Never been to one of those places before. Saw all these couples there and thought of you. Lot of the guys there were showing off, trying to win won of these for their ladies, so I figured I would too. JESSICA is touched by this and is blushing a little bit.

JESSICA Awwww, thank you.

EXT. NYC STREET - EARLY EVENING BRAD is walking down the street with a red rose in his hand. Just ahead of him is a green 1973 Chevrolet Impala with a New York license plate that reads ASSMAN. As Brad is walking by, a woman with an extremely large ass walks over to the car and leaves something on the windshield. Brad just keeps walking by, turns the corner and arrives at the theatre. JESSICA is waiting outside the theatre when BRAD arrives. BRAD Looked up Phantom on the web last night and saw a red rose, so I got you one. JESSICA Aaawww. That's so romantic!

JESSICA gives him a hug right then and there. Something has definitely changed in Brad now. The cynicism and sarcasm are fading faster. BRAD Wow, had I known that was gonna happen, I'd a brought more. EXT. MAJESTIC THEATRE, NYC NIGHT cont. The doors open up and Brad and Jessica walk out among a crowd of people. Jessica still has the rose.

EXT. NEW YORK STREET NIGHT BRAD That was incredible! Had no idea a play could show so much emotion. JESSICA Yeah, I saw you crying in there, but didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to ruin the experience for you. BRAD Didn't want to harsh my buzz? Aaah, thanks. They start walking away from the theatre. They continue walking towards his hotel. They walk past a van parked on the side of the road that is labeled, Rigazzi Heating and Plumbing as seen in Analyze That. BRAD has a big smile on his face and a confident stride. They are holding hands now and Jessica is happy as well. Brad begins to tell Jessica about the presentation. JESSICA So the pepper was hotter than you thought it would be, huh? BRAD Eating the pepper was bad, but it wasn't the worst part. JESSICA What do you mean? BRAD

The habanero goes in, but the habanero goes out too. JESSICA Oh. BRAD Hurt like hell for three days. JESSICA starts cringing for him. JESSICA Oh, I'm SO sorry. EXT. NEW YORK STREET NIGHT cont. They stop walking now as JESSICA really wants to focus on this part of the conversation. JESSICA So have you noticed anything different since you've been doing it? BRAD Yeah. Feel better. People are nicer, and I started getting closer to you. JESSICA I've noticed a change too. Quite a few of them actually. That's why I asked you out. I wanted to know more. BRAD Glad you did. Nobody else saw anything, but you did.

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY BRAD is already sitting at the table this time, with two red roses and a big smile when JESSICA arrives. He stands up when she arrives at the table. Jessica is dressed business professional again. BRAD Got these for you. JESSICA Two roses? Well then, come claim your reward. BRAD walks over to her to help her with her chair and she gives him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Brad assists her with her chair so she can't see him blushing. She smells the flowers and is obviously excited about them. JESSICA Did this presenter teach you how to treat a lady as well? Roses every time we go out? A girl could get used to this. BRAD Hope you do. Didn't know this at first, but you are really a special person. Just like being around you. JESSICA is having a hard time not letting him see her blushing now.

JESSICA That's really sweet. I... really like being around you too. BRAD So what are we gonna talk about today now that the Phantom buzz has ended? JESSICA Well, the usual date topics include work, family, movies, music... BRAD Alright, tell me something embarrassing. JESSICA Well, umm... Okay. My favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. BRAD starts laughing at this, but just sits there interested, waiting for the explanation. JESSICA cont. When I was a little kid, it was red hair and princesses. As I got older, it was because my parents didn't understand. Later on, it was Eric. BRAD So am I Eric, then? JESSICA For these purposes, you just

might be. BRAD Very well then, I shall do my best to treat you as you deserve, Princess Ariel. Just now the waiter comes by. BRAD We'd both like the stuffed crab, please! BRAD is just pleased with himself for having thought of the reference. JESSICA is just pleased that he's playing along. She's starting to like him more and more. JESSICA So what's your favorite movie? BRAD Don't really have a favorite. Saw Stone and Equilibrium a few days ago, those were both pretty good. JESSICA Oh yeah? either. I've never heard of I'll have to check them out. BRAD So, tell me about your family. What are they like? JESSICA My mom lives in Queens. My dad died a couple years ago.

BRAD Sorry to hear that. JESSICA Thanks. He bought a restaurant near the baseball stadium, so I grew up working at the restaurant to help out. BRAD Any brothers or sisters? JESSICA One sister. She's away at school right now. But what about you? What's your family like? BRAD gets a little uneasy with this question. repositions himself in his seat. BRAD Not much to tell. Dad left my mom when I was 3. Haven't seen him since. Mom died a few years ago. JESSICA is really saddened to hear this and leans in closer. JESSICA I'm so sorry. Do you have any brothers or sisters? BRAD No The camera zooms out and we see them from a distance. He

They look a happy couple by all appearances. The camera zooms back in from another angle to give the illusion that time has passed during the date. JESSICA checks her watch. JESSICA When are you leaving the city? We hadn't exactly talked about that yet. BRAD Tonight. Gotta be in Cincinnati tomorrow morning. JESSICA's face falls just a little at this news. JESSICA I hoped you would be here in the city a little bit longer. BRAD Yeah, me too. JESSICA just sits there, hoping for a reprieve. BRAD cont. Tell you what. I'll start calling you more often, if you figure out where we're gonna go on our next date. JESSICA Deal. So, what's a princess got to do to get you to walk her to the subway? BRAD All you had to do was ask.

Brad leaves some money on the table for the lunch, and they walk away from the table. They exit the restaurant. INT. SUBWAY STATION, NYC JESSICA leads BRAD to her correct subway and they wait for the next train. There are a glut of posters put up on the walls advertising Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman) as the new Swan Queen for the upcoming production of Swan Lake. JESSICA Can I give you a going away present? BRAD Guess that would be alright. What is it? JESSICA Close your eyes. BRAD closes his eyes, and JESSICA gives him a kiss on the lips. It's not a long kiss, it lasts about 3 seconds or so. It's not an incredibly passionate kiss, as it is a first kiss, but the sparks fly and it definitely leaves Brad wanting more. When she is done, she backs off slowly, and Brad is still standing there, keeping his eyes closed, as if to savor the moment. When Jessica sees his reaction, she smiles. She enjoyed the kiss as well, but she enjoys his reaction just a bit more. JESSICA Are you going to open your eyes? BRAD

Yeah, don't harsh my buzz. BRAD continues reveling in the afterglow of their first kiss. He finally opens his eyes. BRAD That was SO much better than the stuffed animal! Not sure what they got in Cincinnati for you, but I'm gonna have to find out! JESSICA I don't need anything from Cincinnati. I just wanted to give you a taste of what was waiting for you back here, so call me, and come back as soon as you can! The subway arrives and Jessica walks on. They wave contented goodbyes and Brad blows her a kiss. EXT. CAESAR'S PALACE CASINO - LAS VEGAS - DAY Brad is walking out of the front door to his next casino. In the background, there is a mattress hanging on the statue as seen in The Hangover. Brad keeps walking and there is an ad on a taxi for Brightway Adolescent Hospital in St. George that reads, Teen out of control? We can help. Next to the taxi is a pool cleaning van that reads, Ollie'll Fix It as seen in Intolerable Cruelty. BRAD Too bad I don't have an out of control teen. Ollie would fix it.

Brad enters a casino now and table next to PLAYER ONE and their early 20's. They keep Brad starts playing while we

sits down at a blackjack Player Two, two guys in winning the entire time. hear their conversation.

PLAYER ONE See, that's the thing that bugs me. Look at these idiots. They are like children. PLAYER ONE points to the slot machines and a waitress carrying a tray with a pina colada on it. PLAYER ONE cont. They have their video games just like their children at home do. The only difference is, these games have boiled it down to the bare essence. They take your money, they flash a few lights, play a little music, and the game is over. You don't have to worry about pushing all the right buttons and just the right moment, or defeating the dark warlord at the end of level 87. Nope, it's just all right there for you. Player Two just laughs at this. PLAYER ONE cont. And look at the drinks. They are drinking slurpees for crying out loud. The only difference is a little

alcohol, but it's still a slurpee. Player Two laughs even harder at this. PLAYER ONE cont. And the only thing worse than these deadbeat, slurpee drinking children, are the companies that take advantage of them. (Speaking to the dealer now) PLAYER ONE cont. No offense. PLAYER TWO Makes sense right? Let's take these really smart people, then give them lots of alcohol and see how fast they can lose their money! Ought to be a crime, but instead, it's a tourist attraction! PLAYER ONE Speaking of tourist attractions, I heard about a great one today. PLAYER TWO Better than the champagne at the Crazy Horse? PLAYER ONE Supposed to be. This place called Lady Heather's.

Supposed to rock your world. PLAYER TWO Well what are we wasting our time here for? Let's go! Player One and Player Two pick up their chips, tip the dealer and walk out. Brad keeps playing. INT. PRESSMAN HOTEL BRAD is sitting on the bed. There is a bottle of booze in the room, but only a little of it has been drunk so far. There is some room service that has been partially eaten as well. Brad grabs his cell phone and calls JESSICA. The screen splits as Jessica answers the phone. JESSICA'S APARTMENT BRAD Hello. I'm looking for Princess Ariel. JESSICA Why, hello Eric. How have you been? BRAD Pretty good, but ordered some room service tonight cause I didn't feel like going out. Took a couple of bites and got real sick. Started throwing up. JESSICA Oh, I'm so sorry. You gonna be okay?

BRAD Yeah, musta been a bad piece of meat. Good thing I didn't eat too much. JESSICA Well you take care of yourself huh? That company of yours certainly doesn't. BRAD Ok. Well, don't really feel like talking too much, just wanted to tell you I was thinking about you. Been thinking about that goodbye present you gave me. Been thinking about that a lot. JESSICA I'm sorry about that. This job of yours has me all screwed up. I keep rushing into things because you keep leaving town. First it was asking you out, then kissing you... BRAD No need to apologize... I liked it. Can't wait to get back to my princess to do it again... if that's alright? JESSICA Well, we'll see. BRAD Okay... Well, just wanted to make sure you were doing okay, but I really don't feel good. Need to get some sleep.

BRAD hangs up the phone and is getting ready for bed. He grabs the booze bottle and is about to take a sip, but puts it back down and decides better. He turns the lights off and simply goes to bed. INT. HOTEL ROOM, L.A. BRAD is talking to JESSICA again. She is at home, sitting on the couch. The screen is split. INT. JESSICA'S APARTMENT JESSICA Okay, I have a question that's been bugging me for awhile... Most people, when taking a machine apart, put all the parts in some kind of order as they go, so they know what order it goes in as they put it back together, right? BRAD Yes. JESSICA Whenever I've checked on YOU though, your parts are always strewn all over the place. How come? BRAD smiles a little at this question. BRAD First started workin', kept my work station all neat and tidy. Seemed like an invite

to everyone to come chat. Women would come hit on me, men would come ask me about my job, people would always ask me to fix stuff. Never get any work done. JESSICA listens intently. BRAD cont. One day, started leaving parts all over the place. Not as many people kept coming by. Think the mess scared em off. JESSICA nods her head as she's following where he's going. BRAD cont. For those it didn't scare off, let them know that I was busy. If they didn't take the hint, have em' help me out. Get em' dirty with one of the parts, sometimes rub some oil on em'. Anything to get rid of them so I could get back to work. JESSICA That explains Jenny! BRAD Who is Jenny? JESSICA One of the girls at work. She's a bit of a flirt. She

came back with oil all over and smudge marks on her face... I thought you were a real jerk. BRAD Probably was. At first, thought it was kind of funny, then felt kinda bad. After awhile, didn't really feel anything. Just wanted people to leave me alone. JESSICA Well that makes me feel a lot better. I'm just glad you never did it to me. BRAD You were never like that. JESSICA I was just being nice because of work. Before Jenny, I really didn't know you that well, but afterward, I just wanted to tell you off. A look of realization just hits BRAD's face.

BRAD Oh no. That wasn't HERE, was it? JESSICA Huh? BRAD Kind of short, long brown hair, dimples.

JESSICA Yes, that's her. BRAD Oh no. JESSICA What? BRAD She wasn't a bit of a flirt. She was downright pushy. Gave me her phone number and everything. Said, For a good time, call Jenny. JESSICA Wow. BRAD Was so mad about it, I went and wrote it on the bathroom stall in the airport. JESSICA Oh no! A look of realization hits JESSICA's face now. BRAD I know. Feel bad about that one now. JESSICA She kept getting phone calls for weeks. Someone even made it into a song and she had to change her number.

Brad just shakes his head in disbelief and self disgust. BRAD Tell her I'm sorry? JESSICA I'm not telling her anything. Sleeping dogs, let them lie.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY, SMALL TOWN, BACKWATER COUNTRY BRAD is at the front desk of the lobby, standing at the counter of a hotel. It's a VERY modest hotel and looks to be in the middle of nowhere. The only people present at them moment are Brad and the front desk clerk. The front desk clerk is wearing a Stillwater t-shirt advertising the band from Almost Famous in addition to a small vest to make himself appear somewhat presentable. BRAD So, what is there to do in this town? INT. SMALL COUNTRY BAR NIGHT The next scene, we see Brad at the local watering hole, which is probably the ONLY thing to do in this town. Country music from Crazy Heart can be heard in the background. Also in the background is the roller derby poster of Ellen Page from Whip It. Brad does NOT look like he is having a good time. He walks out in a bad mood and the poster is seen on his way out the door. INT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STADIUM TEXAS DAY The scene is set identical to that in The New Guy. The teams are on the field, the crowd is loud, and we

see a young man dressed like Braveheart on a white horse with a sword in the air. Brad is sitting in the stands with a hot dog and coke, cheering. EXT. SMALL CRUISE SHIP, LAKE MICHIGAN NIGHT BRAD is walking along the deck of the ship, looking out at Chicago at night with the lights all on. Next to him is standing another guy who pulls out a pack of cigarettes, Alpaca cigarettes, as seen in Thank You for Smoking. He non verbally offers one to Brad, who declines non verbally, and then he puts them away. INT. LULU'S PIES RESTAURANT - DAY BRAD is sitting at a table in the restaurant as seen in Waitress eating a slice of pie with a big grin on his face. INT. HOTEL ROOM, PHILADELPHIA We come into the phone call mid stream. The screen is split again. On the bed, we see a phone book and the back cover has an advertisement for Chico's Bail Bonds as seen in Bad News Bears. INT. JESSICA'S APARTMENT JESSICA is sitting at her table. Her food is prepared, but she's not eating, because she'd rather talk to BRAD. There is a loaf of marble rye bread on the table, and a pastry box on the counter that has the words Schlitzman's Bakery written on it, as seen in Seinfeld. JESSICA I'd noticed that you drank a

lot on our first couple of dates, but didn't want to say anything about it. BRAD Yeah, alcohol's been my only friend for a few years now. S'why it never bothered me to be on the road. Always took my friend with me. JESSICA I've noticed you've been drinking less lately. The presenter having more influence on you? BRAD That's part of it. Been getting out more. Just haven't felt like it as much. JESSICA That's a good sign, right? BRAD Yeah. Far as our dates go, that first date was real hard. Couldn't drink enough. Think I'd have been okay on the second date, but you were so beautiful, I had to drink just to settle my nerves. JESSICA Oooh, I'm sorry. BRAD No, it's okay. I liked it. Just drinking less now cause I got another friend.

JESSICA Aww. I wish you were here, I'd squish you so hard, we'd have to call the ambulance to revive you. BRAD Coming in tomorrow, so have the ambulance ready. INT. JESSICA'S APARTMENT NIGHT BRAD knocks on the door. JESSICA answers, and Brad is there waiting there with three roses. One is red, one is purple, one is white. BRAD Got these for you. JESSICA Oh, that's so nice of you. Always the gentleman. BRAD Actually, just wanted to see what the different colors did. Already know what red does. Wanted to see what white and purple do too! JESSICA blushes at this and starts playing the flirt. JESSICA Why, Eric! Run away with you? Hee hee hee BRAD Whoa now. Which one was

that? JESSICA Purple BRAD Okay, don't know if I'm ready for purple. How bout white? JESSICA grabs him and kisses him again, just like the first time, but a little longer. This time, he reciprocates and there is a little passion. BRAD Definitely gonna have to stick with the white! JESSICA laughs at this. JESSICA I think I like the white as well. BRAD So... What are we doing here? JESSICA Well, I figured that it's been awhile since you've had a home cooked meal, so... you're in for a treat. BRAD Travel guide and cook?

BRAD finds a chair and sits down so he is facing the

kitchen. BRAD This I gotta see. INT. JESSICA'S APARTMENT cont. BRAD and JESSICA are sitting at a table now, eating the dinner that Jessica cooked. Everything looks fabulous and it is clear that Jessica pays attention to the details. JESSICA Unfortunately, I have an early day at work tomorrow, so I have to call it an early night. BRAD What? I came in all the way from out of town, for this? JESSICA I'll see you tomorrow at lunch. INT. JESSICA'S APARTMENT NIGHT As JESSICA is in the kitchen cooking, BRAD is looking around the place. There are two separate batches of roses lying on the table. One batch has four roses in it, and the other batch has five, there are no purple roses in either batch. There is a picture by Vik Muniz on the wall. Brad didn't know what it was, but he liked looking at it. He has since found her music collection and made a home for himself as he studies it. BRAD

Korn, Yanni, Mozart's Ghost, Enrique Iglesias, Chicago, The Raincoats, Talking Heads, Evelyn Wright, Shania Twain,... Are you kidding me? Are half of these your roommates CD's? JESSICA Nope, they're all mine. BRAD You'll just have to tell me about the music. I don't understand. JESSICA is in the kitchen cooking still and is obviously enjoying his confusion. JESSICA I look for beauty wherever I can find it. There's something in each one of those that I really like. BRAD Some of this stuff I can understand, but the Kenosha Kickers? And what is a Judybat? JESSICA Each of those has the ability to calm me down, touch my soul, bring me peace, give me energy, teach me truth... Something. I liberated that Kenosha Kickers CD from an estate sale in Ohio. They had no clue what they had. Found

it on ebay. And the Judybats make me smile... Pick a couple of CD's that you don't know and borrow them. You might even find something you actually like! BRAD takes a couple of CD's off the shelf. Now they are at her open door and it's time to say goodbye. BRAD Looks like I'm flying out tomorrow. Got an emergency in Albuquerque that I gotta fix. JESSICA is obviously disappointed by this turn of events. JESSICA But you just got here! You can't leave already. JESSICA shuts the door now. JESSICA You can't leave, you're my prisoner. BRAD That does sound pretty good, but I still gotta go tomorrow. JESSICA Oh, all right. I really hate your job.

BRAD Sorry. Was never really a problem until now. JESSICA Well, I guess I better send you off properly then. JESSICA takes him in her arms and kisses him for quite awhile. Both of their arms wander quite a bit during this scene, although he doesn't touch her chest. Still, it is the most passionate scene between them thus far and it is pretty intense. BRAD Be back just as soon as I can. They wave goodbye and as the door shuts, both have smiles on their faces. INT. HOTEL LOBBY, ALBUQUERQUE BRAD is talking to ROGER THE CLERK, a young male in his early 20's, and nobody else is around. Roger is drinking from a mug that says Cup o Pizza as featured in The Jerk. BRAD What do you mean, there's NOTHING to do in this town? Gotta be something. What do YOU do for fun around here? ROGER THE CLERK Well, a bunch of buddies and me usually get together and

do something. You're welcome to come along. BRAD is relieved at this idea because he just doesn't want to be alone and he wants to be out doing something. BRAD Well, alright then. Sounds like a plan. INT. COLLEGE APARTMENT NIGHT BRAD arrives at ROGER THE CLERK'S apartment and several people are already there. They are all guys, and all at least a couple years younger than Brad, some in their late teens. The apartment is a bit of a mess, but nobody seems to mind. Most of the guys have a beer in their hand. The beer is cheap, and it is everywhere. One of the cases of beer is St. Anky, as seen in Super Troopers. ROGER THE CLERK BRAD! Glad you made it! Guys, this is Roger. Roger, this is the guys. Brad walks into the room, uncertain if he still should. INT. COLLEGE APARTMENT MORNING cont. Brad wakes up on the floor as his watch starts beeping at him. INT. CAR, NEW MEXICO COUNTRYSIDE DAY

BRAD is talking on the phone to JESSICA, while driving the car on hwy 666. The screen is not split though, as we can see all of Brad, but still hear Jessica. While driving, Brad is passed by 4 guys on motorcycles wearing black leather jackets with a logo on the back that says Wild Hogs. In the background, we see a hot air balloon dragging a cow by a rope, as seen in Rat Race. BRAD So, looks like I gotta be more careful about taking invites from the hotel guys now. JESSICA How late were you over there? BRAD Woke up on their floor. Been awhile since I done that. JESSICA You're just lucky someone didn't take advantage of you. You're lucky I wasn't there. BRAD I know, you just wanna get me drunk so you can have your way with me. Been there a hundred times... JESSICA I miss you. BRAD I miss you too. INT. BELLAGIO HOTEL AND CASINO, LAS VEGAS

BRAD is looking at the gardens in the Bellagio. He then walks onto the casino floor, sees a bunch of SWAT team members carrying out a bunch of black bags as seen in Ocean's 11 and turns back around and walks the other way. INT. VENETIAN CASINO AND HOTEL, LAS VEGAS BRAD is riding in a gondola. In the background and behind him, can be seen a Sandra Bullock look-a-like chasing a Dolly Parton look-a-like, as seen in Miss Congeniality 2. Brad never sees this though because his back is to the entire scene. INT. HOTEL LAUNDRY ROOM BRAD is working on a machine and has the parts all over the floor. LUCY, an fairly attractive woman in her mid 20's comes up and starts to chat him up. She is wearing a concert t-shirt for the band Pop as seen in Music and Lyrics. LUCY I just wanted to tell you how glad we all are that you're here to fix this thing. We were in such a tight spot! Can I give you a hand with anything? BRAD No, think I got everything I need. Should be done here in a few minutes. LUCY Okay then. Well, if you change your mind, my name is Lucy. You just let me know,

alright? BRAD Okay, thank you mam. BRAD then keeps going back to work and Lucy walks away disappointed, sans oil. LUCY Pop, goes my heart. EXT. HILLY PARK EARLY EVENING BRAD is with a few other people, none of whom we know. All are younger, ranging in their early teens to early 20's. One of the teens is wearing a shirt that says I Ate a 96'er as seen in The Great Outdoor. The activity of the evening is iceblocking, and we see Brad riding the block of ice down the hill, then falling off about midway down. He gets up, raises his arms in the air like Rocky, and shouts: BRAD Whoo! We see a few more shots of some of the others riding their ice blocks down. They are smiling and having a good time. Then we see BRAD riding his ice block down and near the bottom, he crashes! He falls off the block, because the block has split in two! BRAD Owww! Son of a... that? What was

He gets up and starts walking a little funny and goes

over to the scene of the accident to investigate. It seems that there is a small water pipe cover, just barely sticking up out of the ground. Brad's ice block ran right into it and his ass took the collision, full force! Everyone else gradually makes their way over to come see what is going on. They all start laughing at his misfortune, and he just keeps rubbing his ass.

BRAD Sorry guys, think I'm done. My ass really hurts! INT. HOTEL LOBBY, PROVO BRAD and JEREMIAH THE CLERK are talking it up. Near the entrance of the hotel is an easel showing an announcement for an upcoming presentation at the hotel. On the display is a picture of an older Ryan Reynolds, as seen in Chaos Theory, and the title on the display reads: Organization vs. Chance: How to take control of YOUR life. JEREMIAH THE CLERK That's easy! There's nothing to do in Provo! BRAD's face falls upon hearing this. JEREMIAH THE CLERK Well, a bunch of my buddies always come over to my dorm room to hang out. You're welcome to come over. BRAD

Oh no. Thanks, but can't do that anymore. Tried that in Albuquerque. Woke up on the floor the next morning. JEREMIAH THE CLERK No, no. You got me all wrong. This is Provo. We don't do that here! Come on by, you'll see what I mean! BRAD Okay, but if I end up passed out on your floor, I'm gonna shave your eyebrows before I leave. JEREMIAH THE CLERK just laughs at this. INT. CAR PROVO NIGHT Brad is driving and passes a restaurant named Chef Tom's as seen in Mobsters and Mormons and the marquis mentions that they are now offering Panzarattis. He then passes the Furniture and Mattress store as seen in Punch Drunk Love. INT. DORM ROOM, PROVO NIGHT A group of young men, most in their late teens, some in their early 20's are congregated in a circle. BRAD Anyone want some gum? chewlies. JASON Got

You're not gonna want gum right now dude. The smells in the air are gonna enter the gum and you'll be eating it. JEREMIAH THE CLERK Jason's a chem major! The lights in the room are off, and they are taking turns, passing a cigarette lighter, doing blue darts. JEREMIAH THE CLERK rips a really big, long one, and they all erupt into laughter in unison. JEREMIAH THE CLERK Oww, owww. It's burning my back! Owww! Everyone laughs even more at this. JASON sniffs the air a bit and gets a disgusted look on his face. JASON Dude, we gotta get outta here. This place reeks! INT. DORM ROOM NIGHT This dorm room is pretty similar to the other, except there is a Kill Bill poster hung up on the wall. JASON I just got something at the store today and I've been dying to try it out! Pop the windows!

JASON leaves the dorm while TONY starts fiddling with the dorm room windows. He quickly has them open as Jason comes back with a water balloon launcher, a package of water balloons, and a big grin on his face. JASON Somebody, start filling these up! A couple of people in the group grab the water balloons and leave the room, while the others prepare for battle. They all congregate around each other as Jason coordinates the battle strategy. JASON I wonder how far we can launch these babies? What should we hit? There is another block of dorms within shouting distance, and right next to the dorms, is a dumpster. JEREMIAH THE CLERK How about that dumpster over there? JASON Perfect! Who is going to hold the sides? Two guys volunteer and line up to hold the sides, just as the other two return with the first batch of water balloons. JASON turns the lights in the room off. JASON cont. Okay! Let's see what this sucker can do!

JASON loads up the launcher and pulls it back a little bit. The other two are holding on really tightly. He lets the balloon go, and it hits well short of the dumpster. JASON cont. Okay, looks like we need more distance next time. JASON loads up the launcher, and pulls it back even farther this time. This shot gets really close to the dumpster, but hits the ground. There is a chorus of Ohs from the group. JASON cont. Okay, we're almost there guys. JASON loads up the launcher again and pulls it even tighter. It looks like it's going to break now. He lets it loose, and it flies out the window. All heads turn to see the balloon hit its mark, as it hits a window of the dorm across the street! A young woman can be seen inside, and when the balloon hits, she literally jumps a few inches, but the window does not break. A chorus of reactions can be heard, but TONY is still thinking clearly. He quickly shuts the window and locks it back up. TONY Everybody out! They all shuffle out as they are laughing. INT. DORM ROOM NIGHT

JEREMIAH THE CLERK, BRAD, RICHIE and BRUCE are all in a dorm room, playing Uno. They have a laundry basket turned up-side-down to assist their play. On the desk is a Sidekicks Shoebox as seen in Father of the Bride. There is a giant, human sized bag of popcorn in the room. RICHIE starts dealing the cards, and they are passing the popcorn bag around. BRAD So, just gotta ask. What's with the popcorn? BRUCE Oh, I'm on the student council. We had a party tonight and this was left over, so I brought it back. They keep playing cards and laughing while eating popcorn. BRAD takes a look at his watch. BRAD Oh wow, it's 1:30? go guys. RICHIE Yeah, we better call it a night too. I got class at eight. JEREMIAH THE CLERK So what are you gonna do with the popcorn? BRUCE gets a big smile on his face. Bruce goes over to the window and starts fiddling around with it and opens it up. The other guys just stand there, half not sure what he's going to do, half not believing that he's actually going to do it. Once he gets the window open, I better

he picks up the popcorn bag and starts dumping it out the window. BRUCE Bon Voyage! Once the bag is pretty much empty, he pulls the bag back inside and locks up the window again. BRAD You know, they should probably put locks on those things. RICHIE Oh there are. It took us a couple days to figure out how to open them. Once one person figured it out though, he taught everyone else, and now we can open them almost as fast as maintenance! BRAD just shakes his head at this news and laughs. INT. JESSICA'S APARTMENT NIGHT BRAD and JESSICA are sitting on the couch together. Brad is sitting on the bottom almost laying down. Jessica is laying in his lap almost, using him as a seat. He has his arms wrapped around her and both are contented. On her kitchen table are nine roses: yellow, two pink, red, orange, blue, black and two white ones. BRAD I didn't know you were a

cheerleader in high school. JESSICA Yep, the Roaring Riptides. Go Tides! BRAD Do you still have your uniform? JESSICA Yeeessss.... Why do you ask? BRAD Would you... try it on? Always had a thing for cheerleaders. JESSICA What are you going to give me? BRAD takes a second to think about this. BRAD Something you can't buy in any store, something you will never throw away, and something you will always cherish. JESSICA's interest is aroused with this. JESSICA What are you going to do? BRAD Only one way to find out.

JESSICA Okay buddy. You're on. One cheerleader coming up. JESSICA exits the room while BRAD goes over to a desk sitting against the wall. He grabs a piece of paper and a pencil and returns back to the couch. He begins drawing something on the paper, but we can't see what it is. He keeps working away at it, when Jessica returns in her cheerleading uniform. It still fits like every boy's wet dream, and she is exceptionally beautiful. She even has her pompoms and is wearing a flower in her hair. Brad starts smiling as she enters the room. BRAD So, do I get a cheer? JESSICA gets all nervous, but then gets her game face on. JESSICA Ready, okay?... Rah Rah Ree, Kick em in the Knee. Rah Rah Rass, Kick em in the other Knee! BRAD hears this and starts laughing. JESSICA Yeah, go Tides! JESSICA starts jumping in the air and waving her pompoms. BRAD gets up from the couch to come give her a hug. BRAD That was wonderful! Best

cheerleading performance ever! JESSICA just smiles at this and then says, just like a cheerleader: JESSICA So, where's my surprise? BRAD Just finished it. here. It's right

BRAD hands her the page, and she looks at it. She sees it for the first time as the camera does. It is a hand drawn picture of Prince Eric standing next to Jessica. Eric is wearing the white shirt, blue pants and red sash, and Jessica is wearing the pink dinner gown from the stuffed crab scene. The detail on the drawing is incredible and it looks just like both of them. JESSICA begins to hold it as though it is very fragile, and she looks up at him in awe. JESSICA How did you do this? BRAD Just drew it. Wasn't that hard. JESSICA It's amazing! I never knew you could do anything like this. How come you never told me? BRAD Never came up. Hope you like it.

JESSICA Like it? I love it! you! Thank

JESSICA gives BRAD such a big hug it almost knocks him to the floor. Brad takes the flower out of her hair and throws it on the couch. BRAD Gotta ask. What's with the flower in your hair? JESSICA Oh my Penny Blossom? I got it online. They're real cheap. Don't you like it? The scene cuts and we see them sitting on the couch again in the same position, Jessica is still wearing the cheerleader uniform. They have fallen asleep like that and both appear quite happy with the arrangement. The Penny Blossom is still on the floor. INT. OFF ROAD VEHICLE MOUNTAINS DAY BRAD is in the passenger seat. HOTEL CLERK LAUREN is driving the vehicle and there is another guy in the back seat. Both Lauren and the other guy are in their early 20's. The vehicle is bouncing around like crazy, and all three of them have huge smiles on their faces as it does so. They come to a small river and see a giant silver and red shoe floating on the water, as seen in The Passion of Darkly Noon. They all sit and stare at it for a minute in wonderment. BRAD What... is it? HOTEL CLERK LAUREN

I don't know. That's just weird. C'mon, lets get outta here before we start to smell it. EXT. PARK DAY EXT. BREAKROOM, MADISON HOTEL, NYC BRAD is on a bench in the park. He grabs his cell phone and is about to call JESSICA. In the background, we see a blonde haired lady barking like a dog at someone who is feeding some pigeons. It looks like Heather Morgan, from Bark! He thinks it weird, but just shakes his head, and dials the phone number anyway. The screen splits. Jessica is at work but in the break room. BRAD So what does that mean? JESSICA I have one month to start using my vacation time or I lose it. BRAD That stinks. JESSICA I know! Some new pencil pusher came in and now we have to use it or lose it. BRAD So, what you gonna do? JESSICA It looks like I have to take a vacation.

BRAD You say that like it's a bad thing. JESSICA It's not... I just... I had been saving up the time to go to Paris. I have enough time now, but don't have enough money. It was going to take me another year or two to save up. BRAD So you have to use the time now, and then when you have the money... JESSICA I won't have the time anymore. BRAD Yeah, that stinks. There is a moment of contemplation. BRAD Lemme make a few phone calls. Call you back in a minute, okay? JESSICA What are you going to do? BRAD Just hold on. Call you back in a few minutes. The screen unsplits and Brad takes his cell phone and

starts entering another number. INT. JESSICA'S APARTMENT JESSICA is taking a nap on the couch with her stuffed animal, when she hears a knock on the door. She goes to answer the door and BRAD is standing there, with a small suitcase, and his tools, but no roses. JESSICA What are you doing here? Why didn't you tell me you were coming into town? He walks in and she hugs and kisses him on the lips briefly. In the background, we see that JESSICA has framed the picture that Brad drew, and put it on the bookshelf for display. It is on her movie shelf, next to only a couple of movies: Chubby Rain, as seen in Bowfinger, The Little Mermaid, 8 Mile, The Rural Juror, Angels With Filthy Faces as seen in Home Alone and Brooke's Buttbuster Workout as seen in Legally Blonde. BRAD Came to solve your vacation problem. Need to get your stuff packed. BRAD boldly walks into the room and heads directly for her closet to grab her suitcases. JESSICA What... What do you mean? BRAD Made a few phone calls. Grab

your stuff.

Let's go.

JESSICA Where are we going? BRAD It's a surprise! But hurry up, or we're gonna be late! INT. AIRPLANE DAY BRAD and JESSICA are sitting next to each other in first class on the airplane. Both look comfortable and are having a good time. JESSICA I can't believe you are taking me to Paris! How did you arrange all this? BRAD Made a few phone calls. Jessica squeezes his hand and is beaming. JESSICA Did I ever tell you about my dad? BRAD Yeah. Bought a restaurant. Died a couple years ago. JESSICA Yes, but there's a little more to the story than that... He was born in Paris and came to New York when he

was 19. He always wanted to go back, but kept putting it off. He had a trip planned with my mom, but he died a few months before they were supposed to go. BRAD So he never got back? JESSICA No. That's why I've always wanted to go. I want to see where he came from. BRAD Well, glad you finally get to go then. JESSICA squeezes his hand again. JESSICA Thank you. Thank you for making this happen. Without you, I probably would have ended up like my dad... Always planning the trip and never taking it... Jessica kisses him and them gets up and grabs something from the overhead. She then returns back to her seat. JESSICA cont. I have a surprise for you. It's nothing compared to this of course, but I wanted to do something nice for you. BRAD

Aw thanks, Jess. You didn't have to do that. JESSICA I know. I just wanted to. But you know how you always get so dirty with the dirt and grease from work? We have this soap we use at work that is just the best stuff in the world. It's just for the guests, but I grabbed a bar from housekeeping. Jessica hands him a bar of soap now that is hand wrapped and says, The Paper Street Soap Company as seen in Fight Club. JESSICA cont. It's really expensive, and gets anything out. BRAD Thanks, Jessica. You got me, soap. Brad hugs Jessica and they snuggle up together on the plane. EXT. FRUIT STAND, PARIS DAY BRAD and JESSICA are standing at the fruit stand, checking out the offerings of the day. One of the offerings is some pears, with a sign that says Poires du Genovia referring to The Princess Diaries. Standing next to the couple is a French woman with short dark hair, seen only from the back. She has her hand in a bin of beans and is almost playing with them as she moves her hand around in the bin. The FRENCH

STOREKEEPER hands her a brown bag with a few items inside. She hands him some money and departs. FRENCH STOREKEEPER A demain, Amelie INT. ORSAY MUSEUM, PARIS BRAD is standing at an easel nearby the painting, Le dejeuner sur l'herbe by Manet. JESSICA is sitting in a portable chair, holding eleven roses: four white, two orange, two yellow, one red, one pink and one blue. Brad is copying the original, but replacing the face of the main character, with that of Jessica, who is posing for him. The quality of the painting fabulous and it's as good as the original. As he is painting, we hear AMERICAN TOURIST 1 and AMERICAN TOURIST 2 talking in the background while looking at the painting by Manet. AMERICAN TOURIST 1 I still can't believe she's dead! I mean, Natacha Kirilova! She was amazing. AMERICAN TOURIST 2 And on the ice like that? Blood spilling everywhere. Awful. The American Tourists finish looking at the painting and continue walking out of the scene. When Brad is finished with the painting, he shows Jessica the finished product and her face lights up! She is just astonished at how talented he is. EXT. PARIS STREETS DAY We see them walking down Paris streets, hand in hand.

They stop to kiss frequently. In the background of one scene, we see the bridal gown store for Elizabeth James as seen in The Parent Trap. EXT. PARIS CAFE DAY BRAD and JESSICA are sitting at one of the tables outside the restaurant eating lunch. Both Brad and Jessica have ordered a bottle of water with their food. Across the street is a wall where flyers and posters are often hung, and the wall has been plastered with posters advertising the Natacha Kirilova Grand Gala Bulgari as seen in Ronin. The scene is romantic and Paris is obviously working its magic on the young couple. They are talking, but the words are too indistinct to know what they are saying. A man wearing all black and and a black helmet and riding a motorcycle enters the background as a commotion has begun just down the street. The man on the motorcycle has ridden onto the sidewalk and is going very fast. Tables are being overturned, people are diving out of the way. Brad and Jessica hear the commotion and turn to see what is going on. At the last possible second, Brad sees something is not right and grabs Jessica rather violently and gets them both out of the way. The man on the motorcycle passes them, but not without first grabbing one of the bottles of water from their table. They turn to watch him leave and the bottle goes up to his helmet for a brief time, then he throws the bottle to the ground. At this time, two more men on motorcycles, both dressed completely in white, with white helmets, come racing along the sidewalk in hot pursuit. BRAD You okay? JESSICA Yes, thanks to you. BRAD

Heard the driving in Paris was pretty bad, but this is ridiculous. JESSICA C'mon, lets get out of here before we have to sit and talk to the cops all day. We're not hurt. No sense in letting this ruin a perfectly good vacation. Brad leaves some money on the table and they depart hastily from the scene. INT. HOTEL PARIS DAY JESSICA is over sitting on one of the couches while BRAD is chatting up the front desk clerk, JEAN. The camera angle shows both sides of the desk, and on Jean's side of the desk is a copy of the wanted poster looking for Jason Bourne and Marie, as shown in The Bourne Identity. BRAD So it's good? JEAN Oui Oui Monsiuer, is very good. BRAD I'm taking my girlfriend with me, and we aren't that close yet. Is it... family friendly? JEAN Oh yes, is very good.

BRAD Okay, I'll take two tickets. INT. LE LOTUS DE NIEGES RESTAURANT, PARIS NIGHT The interior and exterior of the restaurant is set up exactly as it is in From Paris With Love. The same singer is there too, wearing the same outfit, but singing a different song. BRAD and Jessica are sitting at a table with a bottle of wine with their food. BRAD Heard some great things about this wine. Had to try it out. JESSICA Oh yeah? What have you heard?

BRAD pours them both their first glass of the red wine. BRAD This French guy goes over to California and steals some grape vines. Smuggles em over to France, crosses em with some French grapes, and starts making his own wine. Best stuff in the world they say. Not real big on wine, but I had to try it. JESSICA has been smelling the wine and now takes her first sip. JESSICA Oooh, that is good.

BRAD Better than this food. Heard the Chinese food in France was great, but this stuff is awful. Lets finish the wine and get out of here. We can grab a crepe after the show. As they are leaving, we see two men exit a black Escalade. Both figures are obscured, but it appears that they are John Travolta and Jonathan Rhys Meyers. EXT. MOULIN ROUGE, PARIS EARLY EVENING There is a large crowd of people outside. BRAD and JESSICA are herded inside like cattle. We see the passage of time by the clock on the wall of the ticket office in the background. About 15 minutes later, Brad and Jessica walk back out, and are the only ones doing so. BRAD I am so sorry about that! Had NO idea. Guy at the front desk said it was good. Family friendly. JESSICA It's okay. Let's go back to the hotel and I will thank you properly. Oooh. BRAD Like the sound of that.

They start walking towards the nearest subway entrance, hand in hand. They walk passed the gay SM club called Rectum as seen in Irreversible. We hear someone's

voice in the background, allegedly that of Vincent Cassell, saying: MARCUS Alex! Alex!

BRAD You know. Don't really see this on tv, but the Moulin Rouge is in a REALLY bad part of town. Let's get out of here. JESSICA just nods her walking faster. They Windmills as seen in and see the old black Paris driving slowly head in agreement and they start walk past the restaurant The Two Amelie. They continue walking and yellow car from Midnight in down the road.

INT. HOTEL ROOM PARIS NIGHT BRAD and JESSICA are in the hotel room. His laptop is open and they are sitting on the edge of the bed while looking at the screen together. BRAD Gonna love this site I found. It's called Afganistanimation! It's got this crazy little monkey in it. The computer shows an image of the animation featuring Johnny Chimpo as seen in Super Troopers. JESSICA That's pretty funny, but I

have something I want to show you. JESSICA closes the laptop and puts it aside. She then starts kissing BRAD in earnest and begins unzipping his pants. Brad stops her at that moment. BRAD No... I can't Jess. Didn't bring you here to Paris just so I could get you in the sack. JESSICA I know that. I'm not doing this because I have to. I want to. I want you. I want you inside me. BRAD I... I... I just can't. JESSICA Is something wrong? BRAD I'm... I'm just not ready for that yet. JESSICA looks a little disappointed at this. Clearly, she isn't used to being turned down, and did not expect it this time. JESSICA Okay. When you're ready though... BRAD I appreciate you

understanding. BRAD gets a tear in his eye now, and JESSICA sees it. JESSICA What's the matter? it? BRAD Just need some time. JESSICA It's okay, I'm not going anywhere. They rearrange themselves on the bed, to their usual position. He sits on the bottom, she uses him as a chair, with his arms wrapped around her. EXT. AIRPORT RUNWAY DAY We see a plane land. It is an American Airlines plane and it has the name Ryan Bingham written on the wing as a reference to Up in the Air. INT. AIRPORT, NYC DAY BRAD and JESSICA both have their individual carry on items with them and are in the terminal saying their goodbyes. In the background, we see a plane passing by as it is preparing to leave. It is the piece of junk Cleveland Indians plane as seen in Major League. BRAD So, I'll call you from L.A. What is

JESSICA Okay. I just wanted to tell you something before you go. They go over to some chairs where nobody is around and sit down. BRAD What is it? JESSICA I just wanted to thank you for this. The whole Paris thing. It really meant a lot to me. And whenever you're ready, we'll try that again. Now, don't say anything for a minute, okay? BRAD Okay. JESSICA I don't think I've ever felt like this about anyone before... I...I think I love you. BRAD sits back in his chair as this news is revealed. JESSICA Don't feel like you have to say it too, okay? Just think about it. BRAD gets another tear in his eye but doesn't bother to wipe it away. He just hugs her and holds her close for a minute. He gradually lets her go and walks to the

terminal, waves goodbye and blows her a kiss. On his way out, we see him pick up a newspaper off a seat. INT. AIRPLANE DAY BRAD is sitting in one of the chairs. Brad has the newspaper open and is looking at the comics. He is looking at Walter and Jasmine by Walt Caldwell as seen in Secondhand Lions. When he is done with that, he pulls out the crossword puzzle, looks at the clues briefly and gets a confused look on his face. We see the clues and they read 1 across, How Steve Smells; 2 Across How Steve Tastes; 3 Across Steve's Favorite Treats. Brad gets a disgusted look on his face and folds up the newspaper and puts it in the compartment in front of him. There is a can of coke next to him. Brad takes a long swig of it. BRAD (V.O.) Who the hell is Steve? BRAD pulls out his laptop and looks at the presenter website again. He finds something about meditation. BRAD (V.O.) Meditation is another thing that Eastern Religion has found, that has largely been ignored by those in the West. The closest thing that it resembles is prayer, but it is not the same thing. Prayer is the act of getting in touch with a divine creator. Meditation is about getting in touch with oneself. BRAD looks up from the screen for a minute.

BRAD (V.O.) Hmm. Might have to try that.

INT. L.A. HOTEL ROOM NIGHT BRAD is laying on his bed. The tv is off and there is no bottle of booze in the room this time. There is a box of pizza on the bed. The box says The Well Stacked Pizza Company as seen in the video game Grand Theft Auto. Brad has his clothes on, but his shoes off. He looks very comfortable, and at peace with himself. Suddenly, he sits straight up and a bead of sweat trickles onto his brow. He has the most terrified look on his face, runs to the bathroom and begins vomiting. When done vomiting, he puts on his shoes, grabs his keys and wallet and exits the room. INT. L.A. HOTEL ROOM NIGHT cont. Brad enters the room again with a brown bag that says Murray's Liquor, inferring that he has just been to the liquor store. He removes a bottle of Bacardi 151 and a bottle of Devil Springs from the bag and begins drinking straight from the bottle of Bacardi. He grabs his cell phone and texts in a message to corporate, which we see right before he presses send. The message reads: sick day tomorrow. INT. L.A. HOTEL ROOM DAY, CONT. We see the sun shining through the windows in the hotel room. BRAD is still in his clothes and both bottles are half empty. He checks his watch, goes to the bathroom, lays on the bed, turns on the tv and flips channels. One of the channels is the hotel screen that announces he is staying in the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. There is a picture of Hector Elizondo on screen, as seen in Pretty Woman and a note on screen: My name is Barnard

Thompson, the hotel manager. If there is anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. Brad just keeps flipping channels and resumes drinking. The old Brad is back, cynicism and sarcasm included. The tv is on the court tv station and is playing the intro to the episode. It is showing a picture of Jennifer Tilly and Eric Pierpoint, as seen in Liar, Liar and introducing them as the divorce to be shown on today's episode. It then shows a picture of Ralph Macchio and Mitchell Whitfield, as seen in My Cousin Vinny and announces that they will be tried for murder in today's episode. Next a picture of Brian McNamara is shown as seen in Mystery Date and it announces that this Stanford dropout is being tried for stealing an expensive vase. A picture of Bernie Madoff will then be shown as an announcement will be made mentioning that he will be tried for another ponzi scheme. Finally, a picture of Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus will be shown, as seen in Boondock Saints and it will be announced that the Saints, the notorious Boston killers, are still on the loose, and we need your help to find them. Brad of course, is paying no attention to any of this. INT. HOTEL LOBBY, PROVO DAY BRAD is talking to Jeremiah the clerk at the front desk. There is a tv on in the background which is showing news coverage announcing that General Joe Campbell will not be running for Vice President (James Cromwell) (from The General's Daughter). BRAD (disheveled) Sorry, can't come tonight. Got other plans. Thanks though. INT. HOTEL LOBBY, DAY

BRAD is talking to HOTEL CLERK LAUREN at the front desk. There is a stack of newspapers on the desk for the guests. The front page advertises Penelope Squeals as seen in Penelope. LAUREN Sorry, Brad. I'm not going out tonight. I've got a huge headache that won't go away. It's been three days now. BRAD Does your face hurt? LAUREN No. BRAD Hm. It's killing me. LAUREN Huh? BRAD What are you, deaf and stupid? INT. HOTEL ROOM NIGHT JESSICA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT BRAD is on the phone with JESSICA, she is at home, sitting on her couch reading a book. She marks her place in the book, entitled Under the Tuscan Sun and as she is putting it back in the bookcase, we see the

author's picture on the back. The picture in this case, belongs to Diane Lane and not Frances Mayes. We also see a brief glimpse of the other books on the bookshelf, which contains the following books: The Dying Position by Peter Swift (Her Alibi), Sayonara, Cyanide by Peter Swift (Her Alibi), The Tall Man From Cornwall by E.M. Snickering (The Big Bang Theory), Misery Loves Company by Paul Sheldon (Misery), My Brother Pissed on Me by Ray Pikurney (EdTV), The Philosophy of Time Travel by Roberta Sparrow (Donnie Darko), The First Time by Catherine Woolf (Basic Instinct), You're a Great Guy, But... by Stephanie Layne (My Boys), The Tao of Steve, no author (The Tao of Steve), Dealbreaker by Liz Lemon (30 Rock), From Misdemeanors to Miss Congeniality by Gracie Hart (Miss Congeniality 2), Scagnetti on Scagnetti (Natural Born Killers), and The Dark Side of the Moon by Ebony Clark (Lethal Weapon 4). Brad's painting from the Orsay has now been framed and placed on the wall where everyone can see it. The screen is split. JESSICA So... Any idea when you are getting back to the city? BRAD No. JESSICA Have you been thinking about Paris too? I still can't stop thinking about it! BRAD No, been pretty busy. Lots of work since I took off so much time. JESSICA So where are you going to be

tomorrow? BRAD Las Vegas. JESSICA Oh, so I'll talk to you after Las Vegas. BRAD I don't know, probably. JESSICA is a little confused now and not sure why she's not getting anywhere with this conversation. JESSICA Okay, well, you sound tired. I guess I better let you get to bed then. Good night. BRAD Good night. INT. RED DRAGON CASINO LAS VEGAS BRAD is sitting at the slots with a drink in one hand and playing the machine with the other. He doesn't look happy. In the background, a blurry Chris Tucker is dressed in his clothes from Versace and is making a scene on the craps table as seen in Rush Hour 2. INT. EXEC PENDLETON'S OFFICE NYC DAY EXEC PENDLETON is reviewing paperwork and sees the vacation and sick time for Brad. Lying on his desk is also a copy of Forbes Magazine. The issue is discussing the possible merger of Western Sahara Petroleum and Doyle Oil (as seen in Secondhand Lions and Intolerable

Cruelty). It is obvious that he does not like what he sees in the paperwork. He hits a button on his phone to talk to Jeannine. EXEC PENDLETON Jeannine, I've been reviewing the status of Bradley Thomas and I'm getting worried. Let me know if anything out of the ordinary appears. He then pushes another button to hang up the phone and then sits there and broods for a minute. INT. LAS VEGAS CASINO BRAD is sitting at the slots. He has a drink in one hand and appears to have been there awhile. His phone rings. He looks at it to see who it is. The caller ID says Jessica. He doesn't answer it. A man in a cowboy hat and green jacket comes running past him who is then chased by some of the casino security, as seen in 21. INT. ST. LOUIS HOTEL ROOM NIGHT INT. JESSICA'S APARTMENT BRAD has a bottle of Jack Daniels nearby. It's open and half empty. The tv is on ESPN8 The Ocho, when the phone rings. It is currently showing the Top Ten plays of the month. The Top 10 highlights are as follows, but are only shown in the background. 10) Clyde Livingston #84 on the Texas Rangers hits an inside the park home run (Holes) 9) Rod Tidwell one hands a catch for a TD (Jerry Maguire) 8) Tin Cup takes 12 shots to hit the green (Tin Cup) 7) Nuke LaLooshe is inducted into the Hall of Fame (Bull Durham) 6) A highlight from Dodge Ball in the championship match 5) A highlight from The Waterboy where he runs the ball back for a touchdown on his own.

4) A rugby highlight from Forever Strong 3) A David Wright highlight of him barehanding a ball and getting a guy at 1st base. 2) A highlight from Happy Gilmore where he hits a hole in one. 1) A highlight from Naked Gun where Leslie Nielsen throws out the other umpires in the 7th inning. While these highlights are playing, and Brad is not paying attention to them, he has answered the phone and is talking to JESSICA, and the screen splits. JESSICA And how is Prince Eric doing this evening? BRAD Alright, I guess. JESSICA Well that's good to hear. Last time I talked to you, you didn't seem to be yourself. There is a pause in the conversation here as JESSICA is waiting for him to respond, but BRAD isn't in the mood to talk and certainly isn't going to bail her out. Jessica plows on, undeterred. JESSICA So, where are you at now? BRAD St. Louis JESSICA Do you know when you're coming back to the city? You haven't been here in awhile.

BRAD No It's at about this time that JESSICA is pretty sure that something is wrong. She isn't sure what, but it apparently isn't a one time thing, and it isn't going away. She presses on. JESSICA Something's wrong, Brad. What is it? BRAD Nothing, just don't feel like talking. JESSICA Are you sure? It seems like something is wrong. Did I do something? BRAD No. JESSICA Is it because of what I said last time at the airport? BRAD No. JESSICA Why won't you talk to me? BRAD What do you want me to say? JESSICA

Tell me what's wrong? BRAD Nothin. JESSICA Why won't you talk to me? BRAD Am talking to you. JESSICA Ok, well, when you're ready. You talk to me, okay? BRAD Okay. JESSICA Goodbye then. BRAD Goodbye JESSICA turns on the radio and the song is So Far Away by Avenged Sevenfold. She sits on the couch and listens, trying to figure out what to do next. She hears a line that includes the following, I have so much to say but you're so far away and she gets an idea. JESSICA We'll see about that. JESSICA grabs her things and heads out of the apartment. INT. MADISON HOTEL, NYC NIGHT I love you.

JESSICA walks in the front door. JOHN is at the front desk and gets a look of surprise on his face and waits for her to come advise her of the problem that has brought her in at this late hour. He is currently watching Xander Cage steal and destroy a congressman's car, on the internet, as seen in XXX. JESSICA It's nothing. I just forgot something in the break room. I'll just be a minute. JOHN Okay, if you got a minute, I just found the coolest website ever. This guy is a freak! JESSICA No, I'm in a bit of a hurry. Maybe another time. Thanks though. She then walks away, but does not go to the break room. Instead, she goes to the laundry room. There aren't many people there, but one of the people who is, is wearing a Wild Thing Rick Vaughn t-shirt as seen in Major League. She walks past him and up to the pressure washer, and pulls a screwdriver out of her purse. She opens up a few screws and removes a cover and finds some wires. She pulls the wires loose and the washer suddenly stops running. She gets a nice smile on her face, puts the cover back on, and starts putting the screws back in place. INT. MADISON HOTEL, NYC DAY JESSICA is working at the front desk with EMILY when BRAD walks in the front door. Instead of walking up to the front desk, he just walks straight back to the

laundry room. Jessica starts smiling and continues working. Next we see Brad walk back from where he came from, and he is not happy. He walks up straight towards Jessica and cuts in front of some people in line, just so he can talk to her. JESSICA Emily, I need to take a break for a minute. Cover for me, alright? EMILY Take as long as you need. JESSICA and BRAD walk back to the break room to have this out. As soon as the break room door shuts, all hell breaks loose. There is not much space between the two at first, as the confrontation begins. BRAD Why did you break that machine? JESSICA I had to do SOMETHING to get you here! BRAD Well don't break my machines! Makes me look bad! JESSICA Well, why won't you talk to me? BRAD creates some space here now and backs off. JESSICA cont.

What is it?

What's going on?

JESSICA narrows the gap between them. BRAD Can't tell you. JESSICA Why not? You can't run away from me now. I know something's wrong. Why won't you talk to me? Please. Just talk to me. BRAD thinks about this for a minute and decides to relent. BRAD Happened right after our conversation. Was thinking about what you said, wasn't quite sure how to handle it. JESSICA's face falls at this. JESSICA I knew I shouldn't have told you. BRAD No. S'not your fault. Was bound to happen sooner or later. Was looking at the website and found something on meditation. Said it would help me get to know myself. So I tried it out.

JESSICA isn't sure what to say here, so she just listens intently, certain that something soon will start to make sense. Her concern for the man in front of her is obvious though. BRAD cont. At first, didn't really do much. Was just laying there. After a few minutes though, started thinking about different things. Mind started wandering. JESSICA Uh huh. BRAD Then I remembered something. The look on face now is the same as it was when BRAD was doing the meditation. BRAD cont. It was awful. JESSICA What was it? What was awful? BRAD Can't tell you. JESSICA Why not? BRAD You'll hate me. JESSICA Brad, I could never hate you. I love you. What was it? What did you see?

JESSICA knows now that this is the problem, whatever it is. She grabs BRAD and holds him close, just to assure him of her affections. They can still see each other, eye to eye though, because Brad wants to see her reaction when he drops this bomb on her. BRAD My mom. She... she... made me touch her... do things to her. JESSICA's face falls at this news, but not because she is ashamed of Brad, which is what he initially thinks, but because she is saddened for him. BRAD cont. See, told you it was bad. You can't even look at me now. BRAD pulls away. BRAD cont. Shouldn't have told you. JESSICA No, it's not that. It just makes me sad. I don't like to see you hurting like that. I love you. JESSICA pulls him in tight and hugs him. JESSICA cont. I still feel the same. I don't hate you. I could

never hate you. BRAD hugs her back and cries a little bit. JESSICA cont. It's okay, Brad. It's okay.

There is a bit of a pause here as BRAD continues to hug her, and JESSICA thinks about the new situation. JESSICA cont. Would you consider seeing a therapist? BRAD Don't know. Saw one once, wasn't a good experience. Thought they were just for crazy people. INT. THERAPIST OFFICE DAY BRAD'S IMAGINATION The GEICO commercial featuring R. Lee Erney as the therapist plays with Brad super imposed as the patient.

JESSICA No! Therapists are like credit cards these days. Just about everyone should have one. BRAD Well, if you think it will help. JESSICA

I know a guy who is fabulous! Let me make a few phone calls and see if I can get you in, okay? BRAD Okay. Thanks, Jess. If you think it's a good idea. INT. THERAPIST OFFICE DAY BRAD and the THERAPIST are in the room. A couple of diplomas are on the wall. There are a bunch of books on the wall that include the following: Know Buddy Loves You by Dr Buddy Rydell (Anger Management) Baby Steps by Dr. Leo Marvin (What About Bob?) and Death Therapy by Dr. Robert Wiley (What About Bob?) THERAPIST It doesn't matter if it felt good to you, that's just your body responding like it's programmed. Your mom knew what she was doing. You were just a kid. You shouldn't feel guilty about this, Brad. You can LET THIS GO! BRAD Thanks, I'll think about that. Same time next week, on the phone? THERAPIST Sounds good. Have a good week Brad. You can beat this. BRAD walks out of the room, not quite confident, but not quite the beaten dog either. The new Brad is slowly returning.

INT. HOTEL ROOM NIGHT BRAD is on the phone, the screen is split and he's talking to JESSICA who is laying in bed in her pajamas, stuffed animal at her side. BRAD Went pretty well. Gave me a lot to think about. JESSICA Well that's good, right? BRAD Yeah. Just wanted to say thanks though. Thanks for not giving up on me. JESSICA I'm never giving up on you Brad. So anything else interesting happening? BRAD Tried a new place today for lunch. Called Big Kahuna Burger. It was tasty. JESSICA Well that's good. Where you off to next? BRAD Chicago. JESSICA gets a mischievous look on her face as she's just come up with an idea.

JESSICA Sounds fun. Guess I better let you go then. I have some phone calls I need to make. INT. HOTEL ROOM CHICAGO NIGHT BRAD is in the shower. We don't see any nudity. He finishes up, turns the water off and steps out of the shower when there is a knock at the hotel room door. Brad's face shows a mild look of confusion, as he isn't expecting anyone. He walks out of the bathroom wearing a towel into the main room. BRAD (yelling) Hold on, just be a minute. BRAD quickly grabs his new set of clothes and dresses so he can answer the door. While dressing, we see the garbage can contains a bag with the log from Mr. Smiley's as seen in American Beauty. When he answers the door, JESSICA is there waiting on the other side. Brad is extremely surprised, and his face shows it. BRAD cont. Jessica! What are you doing here? JESSICA Surprise! JESSICA barges on into the room like she owns the place. JESSICA cont. It's my weekend now, and

Chicago isn't that far away, so I hopped a plane and came as soon as I could. BRAD That's great, Jess, but I still gotta work. JESSICA I know, but at least I can keep you company. BRAD wants to argue this, but knows he's going to lose, judging by the stance and attitude that JESSICA has taken. His resistance is gone now. BRAD I...I'd like that. Let me help you unpack. BRAD grabs her suitcase and takes it over to the bed. He opens it up, and right on top is her cheerleading uniform. Brad gets a big smile on his face. JESSICA I figured if you couldn't come to the cheerleader, the cheerleader would come to you! BRAD takes her into his arms. BRAD cont. Thanks for doing this. means a lot to me. JESSICA You're welcome. I just wanted to be near you. I It

missed you. BRAD gets a big grin on his face now. BRAD Now. About that cheerleading thing...

The scene breaks here and opens up again with BRAD lying on the bed in a comfortable position when JESSICA comes out of the bathroom in the cheerleader uniform again. Brad has a big smile on his face. EXT. CHICAGO STREET - NIGHT BRAD and JESSICA are walking away from a small theatre. The marquis announces that it is showing Springtime for Hitler as seen in The Producers. They see a rotating billboard as they are walking along the street. One of the signs shows an ad for Zalinski Auto Parts as seen in Tommy Boy. The next ad shows a picture of Richard Gere for Martin Vail and Associates from Primal Fear. The next ad shows Peter Gallagher on an ad for Buddy Kane Realty as seen in American Beauty. They also see a moving van that cannot be moved because two vehicles have been parked very closely in front and behind it. The moving van logo belongs to Callaghan and Sons as seen in While You Were Sleeping. One of the vechicles blocking them in is a van labeled Oh-Kay Plumbing as seen in Home Alone. They pass the bar called Crowley's as seen in My Boys. BRAD Never realized life could be so fun without alcohol! JESSICA draws him close as she realizes that he's bearing part of his soul to her now.

BRAD cont. Most people would have given up on me long time ago. Thanks for not giving up on me, Jess. JESSICA I'm not going anywhere. You've already tried getting rid of me and it's not that easy... but don't you dare try it again, Mr., or I'll have to hurt you. BRAD Okay, okay. I got it.

They just hold each other now and look out into the city. In the distance can be Belucci's the restaurant from Wicker Park. INT. HOTEL ROOM, CHICAGO CONT. Brad is sitting on the bed. There is a sack of takeout next to him and the bag reads O'Reilly's Italian as seen in Return to Me. Brad's phone buzzes that he has a text message. BRAD reads the message. BRAD Bad news babe. Party's over. Gotta go to Miami tonight. JESSICA That's not bad news! I've always wanted to go to Miami. I don't have to be back at work til Friday. BRAD

Alright!

Lemme make a phone call.

EXT. SOUTH BEACH, MIAMI SUNSET BRAD and JESSICA are laying on some lawn chairs on the beach. They've got a bucket of ice and some beverages in it nearby. She's wearing a bikini that suits her hair and skin to perfection. They are catching a few rays and watching the sun as it goes down. JESSICA Does it get any better than this? BRAD You gonna wear the cheerleader outfit again? Jessica just laughs. BRAD Some company named, Alphatech, is in there having a party tonight at the hotel. Wanna go crash it? JESSICA How would we get in? BRAD Just grab some nametags at the front desk. Pretty easy. Do it all the time. JESSICA Nah, I got a better idea Mr. Sneaky Pants.

She then pours the bucket of ice on him. As it turns out, there is quite a bit of water in the bucket as well. BRAD almost jumps straight up out of his lawn chair. BRAD Oooohh. That's COLD! Now you're gonna get it! JESSICA doesn't stick around to find out what she's gonna get. She takes off running towards the water. BRAD follows and catches her as the water is about a foot deep. He picks her up like a pro-wrestler and proceeds to take her out a little deeper, all while she is trying to wriggle free. JESSICA NO! What are you going to do to me! Put me down! Brad! Put me down! Now they are out about waist deep. BRAD Want me to put you down? JESSICA Yes. BRAD throws her down into the water and she makes a big splash. She comes up out of the water, almost frothing at the mouth. JESSICA Why did you do that?

BRAD Told me to put you down. JESSICA obviously does not like answer, and comes over to exact some further revenge for this outrage. She begins to splash some water at him. He just grabs her hands and pins them against her and starts kissing her. He still won't touch her chest, but everything else is fair game. They make out in the water and it's so passionate that one might wonder why the water isn't boiling. INT. JEANNINE'S OFFICE Jeannine is looking over some papers, sees something that catches her eye. She immediately picks up her phone and dials the extension for EXEC PENDLETON. The screen splits as he picks up his end of the line. INT. OFFICE, NYC, EXEC PENDLETON DAY JEANNINE Mr. Pendleton, I was reviewing the weeklies and saw something. I thought I should bring it to your attention. EXEC PENDLETON What is it? JEANNINE Bradley Thomas took two more sick days. EXEC PENDLETON This is not good. Not good at all. Okay, thank you

Jeannine.

Was there anything else? JEANNINE

Yes sir. I rescheduled your appointment with Dr. Spaceman as you requested. EXEC PENDLETON Thank You. Keep me posted on anything else. The screen unsplits as we remain with EXEC PENDLETON. He sits in his chair now, brooding over the situation. He comes up with the appropriate remedy in no time at all. EXEC PENDLETON (V.O.) Well, well, Mr. Thomas. Let's see how you handle things when you get REALLY busy... EXT. HOTEL ROOM PATIO, MIAMI NIGHT BRAD and Jessica are laying on a chair in their usual position, both seem very comfortable and obviously in love. JESSICA Do you think this mattress will be any better than the one in Chicago? BRAD What was wrong with the one in Chicago? JESSICA

It was kind of hard. Guess I'm spoiled. We only use Duxiana mattresses at the hotel, and that's what I have at home, so it's all I've ever slept on in years. BRAD Duxiana? Living the good life huh? JESSICA Well, a girl needs her beauty sleep. BRAD Well, it seems to be working. She holds him a little tighter, and then Brad's phone signals a text message. Jessica's face shows some minor irritation while Brad gets up to go see what it is. BRAD Looks like the party is over for real now. Gotta go to Maine tomorrow morning. JESSICA's face falls at this news. JESSICA Oooh. I really hate your job. BRAD I know, but I gotta go. We see a road map of New England with different cities labeled and a red line connecting the cities that Brad has already been to. We see the line connecting in

order, Finlandia Ski Resort, Castle Rock, ME; Sugarloaf Ski Resort, ME; New Hermon Mountain Ski Area, ME; Shawshank Prison, ME; Highlands Cove Resort, Crabapple Cove, ME; New England Estates Resort, Lake Wobegon, NH; Mount Sunapee Resort, NH; Pendleton University Dorms, Melbourne, NH; Granite Gorge Ski Area, NH; Welton Academy, VT; Greenwich Falls Ski Resort, Spurbury, VT; Sugarbush Resort, VT; DuPont University Dorms, VT; Mount Snow Ski Resort, VT; Blandford Ski Area, MA; Blue Hills Ski Area, MA; Amity Island Resort, MA; Faber College Dorms, CT; Mohawk Mountain Ski Resort, CT; Woodbury Ski Area, CT; Post University Dorms, Waterbury, CT; University of Connecticut Dorms, Storrs, Ct; Manchester Prep School, NY; The Spencer School, (Roosevelt Island), NY; and the North Jersey State Prison, NJ. INT. HOTEL ROOM PHILADELPHIA - NIGHT BRAD is in the hotel room, his shoes are off and he's lying on the bed. There is no booze and the tv is not on. There is a local phone book on the bed though with an advertisement on the back for Prince & Company as seen in Mannequin. Brad is just relaxing a little bit when the phone rings. He picks it up and it's JESSICA. The screen splits. INT. JESSICA'S APARTMENT NIGHT JESSICA is lying on the bed in her pajamas with the phone to her ear, she is holding the stuffed animal. JESSICA Hey, where you been? I haven't heard from you in a couple of days. A girl might start to get worried. BRAD Sorry. Just so tired. Haven't had a day off since I

saw you in Miami. Been working a ton lately. JESSICA That was 7 days ago. You STILL haven't gotten a day off yet? BRAD, you need to take better care of yourself. That company doesn't care about you, they are running you into the ground! BRAD I'm alright. Just tired. S'good to be busy. JESSICA Do I need to fly out there to... Where are you again? BRAD East Stroudsburg JESSICA Pennsylvania? Why didn't you stop by? BRAD Too busy. Stayed the night in Hartford, did a job there, did a couple jobs in the city before heading over to Jersey for a job, then driving here. JESSICA Where are you off to next? BRAD Honesdale... Was actually supposed to drive all the way there tonight, but just got so tired, had to stop before

I got there. JESSICA Oh honey! Do I need to drive down to Honesdale to make sure you take care of yourself? BRAD Nah, I'll be alright. JESSICA Okay. I'll let you get some rest then. Sounds like you need it. BRAD Alright. Call you when I get a break. JESSICA Sounds good. I love you.

The map shows up again with East Stroudsberg having a point. The red lines begin connecting cities again. First to Shrute Farms, Honesdale, PA; Lincoln Financial Field Jail, Philadelphia, PA; Baltimore St Forensic Hospital, MD; Virginia Commonwealth University Dorms, Richmond, VA; Mayberry Hotel, Mayberry, NC; WinstonSalem General Hospital, NC; Mayors Income, TN; The Edward Perriman Cole Memorial Hospital, Lexington, KY; South Hampton Institute of Technology Dorms (SHITHOUSE), OH; Mercy College, IN; Hooterville, IL; Shermer, IL; Fox River Prison, IL. INT. HOTEL ROOM, CHICAGO NIGHT BRAD is laying on the bed, shoes are off. There is no booze and the tv is off. He picks up the phone and calls JESSICA, who is at home, sitting on the couch,

reading a book. She answers the phone, and having seen the caller I.D., immediately knows who it is. JESSICA Hey honey. How are you doing? I was wondering when you would call. Are you still in Pennsylvania? BRAD Chicago. I'm tired. Can't keep doing this. Gotta take a couple days off. Feel like coming down again? JESSICA I'll be there in a couple hours. They hang up the phone and Brad falls asleep on the bed. JESSICA lets herself in with a card key, which wakes up BRAD. She drops her things and runs over to give him a hug. JESSICA Oh honey. Look at you. What have you been doing to yourself? You look awful! BRAD Just working. JESSICA Have you eaten yet? BRAD No. Too tired.

JESSICA goes over to the dresser in the room and picks

up two flyers sitting there. One is for Little Nero's Pizza as seen in Home Alone. The other is a fancy one for Chez Paul as seen in The Blues Brothers and it claims that elegant dining is just a phone call away. She drops that one and focuses on the pizza flyer, picks up her cell phone and dials in a number. JESSICA I'd like to order a medium pepperoni pizza. BRAD No habaneros please. JESSICA laughs, but doesn't mention this last request. She simply continues. JESSICA It's room 1207. There is a pause now while the pizza company is taking everything down. JESSICA cont. Okay. That sounds great. JESSICA hangs up her phone, then goes over to make BRAD more comfortable. He lies against the back of the bed, while she sits on the front, so they can face each other. JESSICA cont. The pizza will be here in 45 minutes. Now tell me what's going on. BRAD

Well, after I drove to Honesdale, I did jobs in Philly, Baltimore, Richmond, two in North Carolina, Tennessee, Ohio, Indiana, then three here in Illinois. Just tired. Called in and told em I need a couple days off. Then I called you. JESSICA They had you do 12 cities in 5 days? Brad, that's ridiculous! They are going to kill you! BRAD S'not that bad. JESSICA They are going to run you into the ground. Then, when you are finally washed up, they will fire you. It's not right. BRAD Guess so. Never really thought about it. JESSICA Can you get out of this job? Get a promotion? BRAD No. This is pretty much it. JESSICA Oh Brad. We've got to get you out of there. They don't appreciate you and they

certainly aren't taking care of you. BRAD just listens, but it is sinking in. JESSICA cont. You need to get a job where you can settle down. I'm sick what these guys are doing to you. BRAD Jobs just don't grow on trees, Jess. What do I do, just up and quit? Then I'll be just like everyone else without a job. JESSICA I've already talked to a couple of people who would KILL to have someone like you. You can fix ANYTHING! Do you know how many people can do that? BRAD No, never really thought about it. JESSICA Not many. I've never met anyone that can do it. The idea is starting to take root in BRAD now. BRAD So I just quit? Where will I live? How will I live until

I find a job? JESSICA You can stay with me, or you can start cashing in your hotel miles. You can get a job in the city. We can finally be together for more than a couple of days in a row, and I can get you a job before the pizza gets here. BRAD realizes that nothing is stopping him now, and that it's time. BRAD Okay. JESSICA Okay, what? BRAD I'll quit. JESSICA Really? It's that simple? BRAD You've done so much for me. If this is what you want, I'll do it. JESSICA leaps across the bed and hugs him. INT. HOTEL ROOM, CHICAGO MORNING BRAD and JESSICA are sitting on the patio in their usual position. They are watching the wake up.

JESSICA So, you ready to return to civilization? BRAD Guess so. Last couple of days helped a lot. Thank you for coming down. JESSICA It's what you needed. INT. PEMROSE CORP. MACHINE SHOP, NYC DAY Brad is fixing a machine and his new overalls have a logo for Pemrose, Corp. His boss comes over to watch and is just amazed. He walks away shaking his head in wonder. In the background we see a banner of an older Michael J. Fox, with the words Anything is possible. INT. JESSICA'S APARTMENT NIGHT BRAD and JESSICA are sitting on the couch in their usual position. BRAD Got some good news. JESSICA Oh yeah? What's up? BRAD Had a bit of a breakthrough today in therapy.

JESSICA What happened? BRAD Figured out why I didn't want to have sex. JESSICA perks up at this news. BRAD cont. When I was growing up, my mom made me do all kinds of things to her. Cause she was my mom, and I depended on her, I blocked out what she was doing to me. Was either that or go Mickey and Mallory on her. Couldn't do that, so I forgot the whole thing happened. JESSICA Huh? BRAD If I recognized what she was doing to me, I couldn't rely on her as my mother. So my brain separated the two. Any time she made me do those things, I just blocked it out, so I could still rely on her. JESSICA Okay. BRAD Well, when WE started getting close, started opening up

some of those wounds from my mom. Figure it was probably cause you told me you loved me, and I started meditating same day. Dam just broke. JESSICA Oh, I'm so sorry. mean... BRAD interrupts this. BRAD I know. S'not your fault. Just hurt. S'why I started shuttin down, so I could deal with it. JESSICA just holds him close now. BRAD cont. Anyway, shrink has been teaching me how to control those feelings, rely on others for help, and move on with my life. JESSICA You have been doing a lot better. Whatever you're doing, it seems to be helping. BRAD Yeah. Feel a lot better. I didn't

INT. EXEC PENDLETON'S OFFICE, NYC DAY EXEC PENDLETON and Exec Kennedy are in the room alone.

There is a knock on the door and JEANNINE walks in with a mug of coffee. She walks over and leaves it on the desk. JEANNINE Here's your new coffee Mr. Pendleton. I'm sorry about that mistake. I had forgotten that you didn't like Skinny N' Sweet. I got you a fresh cup. EXEC PENDLETON Thank You, Jeannine. That will be all for now. Jeannine walks back out of the office and quietly shuts the door. EXEC PENDLETON cont. I can't stand the Skinny N' Sweet. The box looks like rat poison and gives me the creeps. EXEC PENDLETON waits for a laugh from EXEC KENNEDY but sees that he's not going to get one, so he continues. EXEC PENDLETON cont. I've got terrible news. Jeannine just told me a few minutes ago that Bradley Thomas has quit. I don't know how I'll be able to find a replacement even half as good as he was, or how much I'll have to pay him.

It is obvious that Exec Pendleton thinks that this is the end of the world. EXEC KENNEDY We've got bigger problems than that. I just learned that the auditors know about our kickbacks. They already uncovered the last six years and are still going through the old books. EXEC PENDLETON's face falls here as he thinks this really might be the end of the world. EXEC PENDLETON This is awful. What are we going to do? EXEC KENNEDY I don't know what you are going to do. I just came by to tell you before I leave. I plan on liquidating a few assets and head to the Caribbean. EXEC PENDLETON has suddenly realized the gravity of the situation and becomes frantic. He grabs a few things from his desk and they both start heading towards the door as they are greeted by two policemen. INT. JESSICA'S APARTMENT DAY BRAD and JESSICA are sitting on the couch, in their usual position. Jessica is wearing a Spinal Tap tshirt with the logo as seen in This is Spinal Tap. The back of the shirt has a listing of concert dates. She is also wearing a pair of comfortable shorts.

BRAD Did I ever thank you properly for coming to Chicago? And more important, for bringing the cheerleader with you? JESSICA senses she can get something out of this here. JESSICA No. No, I don't believe you did. BRAD Just wanted to thank you for everything. Not giving up on me. Being patient with me. Helping me get another job. JESSICA I love you. I just want to make you happy. BRAD I know, but it's more than that. You saw me when no one else could. Saw through the sarcasm, alcohol and abuse. Saw the real me, even when I couldn't see it. JESSICA gets a few tears now. BRAD cont. Means a lot to me. Just wanted to tell you, I love you.

JESSICA hugs him. JESSICA I love you too, Brad. BRAD Now, bout that present. JESSICA Ooh! There's more? BRAD Yep. It's in your closet.

JESSICA gets excited at this. She gets up quickly and runs into the other room. Shortly thereafter, there is a shriek of delight. She comes out holding up an exact duplicate of Ariel's pink ball gown. The smile and excitement on her face is contagious. JESSICA How did you do this? too? BRAD Nah, know a guy. Owed me a favor. Had him do it for me. JESSICA It's beautiful. BRAD Found out about a ball tonight. Figured we could go. Give Eric and Ariel a chance to go out on the town. Jessica runs over and hugs Brad. Thank you! You sew

INT. BALL ROOM, NYC NIGHT The scene is set as it is in Enchanted at the King and Queen's Ball. There are numerous couples there dressed in renaissance attire. The band is there, as are Eric and Ariel. Eric is wearing the his dress uniform from the wedding scene of The Little Mermaid. Jessica is also wearing a medium sized tiara that compliments her beautifully. They are dancing the whole time and we see the first Enchanted couple in the background only. We focus in on our couple again after a few dancing shots. JESSICA Do you mind if we go outside for a minute? BRAD bows here. BRAD Whatever the Princess likes. JESSICA These shoes are hurting my feet and I think I just want to go get some fresh air for a minute. It's kind of hot in here. BRAD As you wish. JESSICA just smiles here, knowing that her man is whipped. They leave the dance floor and walk up the stairs to the elevator. As they walk in one elevator, we see Giselle from the back, as she enters the scene. EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NYC NIGHT

BRAD and JESSICA are walking down a path in the park at night. Jessica is carrying her shoes in one hand, and they are walking arm in arm like royalty. JESSICA Thank you for appeasing me. I know it seems weird to get all dressed up, go dancing for 20 minutes and then leave. BRAD S'okay. Whatever makes you happy.

They come to a bench and sit down. In the background, we can see a man on the other side of the lake who is doing his laundry in the lake, as seen in Borat. JESSICA You know, I really appreciate how you play along with me like this. Most guys wouldn't do this for me. They wouldn't call me Ariel, let alone do this. She points down to the dress and up at the tiara. JESSICA It really means a lot to me. Thank you. She squeezes his hand for effect. BRAD

Just want to make you happy. I love you. In fact, did have something I was gonna ask you. JESSICA What is it? BRAD gets down on one knee. JESSICA realizes what is happening, and starts to cry a little bit, but wants to focus on the moment too. BRAD Never realized how beautiful life can be, how much fun it can be. Never realized how happy I could be til I met you. Makes me happy just to see your face, kiss your lips, just be near you. Make me want to be a better person. Don't know what the future holds, but can't imagine what it'd be like without you. I love you. Just then, he pulls out from under the bench, a dozen purple roses that he has apparently already put there for this purpose. He hands them to her gently, and then pulls a ring from his pocket. BRAD cont. Jessica Ann Martin, will you marry me? JESSICA wraps her arms around him and kisses him all over. JESSICA

Yes, Brad.

I will marry you.

Gradually, they start walking back along the path, and in the background, up above in the sky, we see the chaos occurring at the King and Queen's Ball. Music begins to play in the background. The music is So Far Away by Staind. Fade Out. THE END