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I *Heart* Phillip Seymour Hoffman

I *Heart* Phillip Seymour Hoffman

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Published by Elizabeth Breed

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Published by: Elizabeth Breed on Aug 16, 2012
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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I *Heart* Phillip Seymour Hoffman
a play byElizabeth Breed
SCENE. Mrs. Turner’s sixth grade classroom. MRS. TURNER is sitting at her desk, and 
MOM and DAD are sitting in chairs across from her. ZOEY is in a desk, sulking.
MRS. TURNER. First of all, I would like to thank you both for taking time out of yourbusy schedules to meet with me today. I know with your jobs, that you may
find it hard to take time. Now, I don’t expect that you know why I asked for
this parent teacher meeting, but it is meant to discuss Zoey
MOM. I don’t understand, Mrs. Turner, is
Zoey in trouble? Did she get into analtercation with another student?DAD. Because if she did, we could punish her for that.
MRS. TURNER. No… it’s nothing like that 
. Zoey is an exemplerary student. Shemaintains perfect attendance, receives B pluses or above consistently, andshe has cooperated with her peers on many in class projects. She is a finestudent.
MOM. Then I don’t see what the problem is.
our daughter is… well, I believe she has trouble making friends.
 DAD. Do you want us to punish her for that?
MRS. TURNER. Heaven’s no! It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but… well, last year in
grade, according to Ms. Church, she was a fine social being. She was
invited to all the girl’s slumber parties, and received numorous cards onValentine’s Day… but lately, her social interaction with her peers have been
dismal, and rare.MOM. Are you unhappy, Zoey, dear?
(She turns to Zoey. She looks up at her mother,but then back at the desk.)
She seems so distant…
 MRS. TURNER. She is. Many of the friends she had made earlier she has lost because
of a… shift, I believe. It’s very strange to see, but not necessarily uncommon
in a child her age.DAD. Should we be speaking about it in front of the child?MRS. TURNER. We can. Zoey and I have already discussed it. Now, Zoey is about twelve years old, yes?
MOM. Her birthday was last February.
MRS. TURNER. Yes… well, that is a prime time for young girl to… blo
ssom.DAD. Excuse me?MRS. TURNER. Please excuse the term.
DAD. No, I don’t know what you mean.
MRS. TURNER. Really? Well… your daughter is coming into her own.
 DAD. Like.. money?
MRS. TURNER. No, sir, she’s becoming a young lady. A woman.
 DAD. No!
She’s too young for that! Should we punish her?
MOM. Darling, relax. There’s no need for that. Mrs. Turner, what are you saying?
 MRS. TURNER. I believe that since Zoey is developing a bit sooner than some of herpeers, that her tastes have changed. She no longer likes to eat pizza in the
cafeteria, opting for a salad and some skim milk. She doesn’t wish to play
extracurricular sports, but instead chose to try out for the local theatrical
production of “The Music Man”.
 MOM. She did? Zoey
, you didn’t tell us that.
 MRS. TURNER. She got in.
DAD. Should we…
 MOM. No, dear!
DAD. I was going to say “buy a video camera so we can record her performance”.
What did you think I was going to say?MRS. TURNER. My point is, because Zoey is growing up faster, her changing tastesand lifestyle choices have alienated her from her fellow students, her formerfriends she can no longer relate to.
MOM. That’s horrible!
MRS. TURNER. She has completely no liking for Justin Bieber.MOM. Oh, the horror!
DAD. That’s just blasphemy! We should punish her for that!MRS. TURNER. Your child is turning into an “outsider” and unless we nip this in thebud, she could become… an artist.
MOM. Oh my!MRS. TURNER. A vegan!
DAD. Please, stop…
MRS. TURNER. Perhaps even…
a music teacher.MOM. Oh, Mrs. Turner, tell us what to do!MRS. TURNER. I have an idea on what we can do for her, but I would like it if shecould come speak to us. She has replaced the normal Justin Bieber obsession
with something far more strange… I’ve noticed on her notebooks shecontinues to write “I heart P.S.H”. When I questioned
Zoey about this, shewas very shy. I did a little research, and it was curious what I discovered.DAD. Go on.MRS. TURNER. Has Zoey
ever seen the movie “Capote”?
 MOM. Not to my knowledge? Dear?DAD. Oh my.
MRS. TURNER. You understand don’t you?
DAD. It can’t be!
 MOM. What are we talking about?
DAD. I didn’t think it was such a big deal! It w
as on instant play on Netflix and shewas simply doing her homework in the other room. She finished, and came in
to watch with me. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.
MRS. TURNER. It’s a big deal to your daughter now. She’s completely infatuated
with him.MOM. Who?MRS. TURNER. In a time in her life where many of her peers are quote, unquote
“crushing” on such notable figures at Justin Bieber, those young men from
One Direction, and Josh Hutcherson, Zoey has been experiencing a serious
crush on…
(as if the words cause her pain.)
Philip Seymour Hoffman.MOM. The actor?MRS. TURNER. The actor.
MOM. He’s like… forty.
MRS. TURNER. He’s slightly older than that.

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