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Guide to Survive Stupidity
Patrick “Lendon” Green"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." Elbert Hubbard
So I was sitting down at my computer, it was that ubiquitous three o’clock in themorning, and I just had this crazy idea. Now before I go into the idea I should explain itsorigins. First off I was listening to George Clinton and the Parliament Funk, enough saidthere. Next it has been well over a year in a half since seeing any of my friends. Andneed I remind you that it was at three o’clock in the morning. Or really I should say it is, because I’m writing still in the process of writing it, during this point of clarity andinsanity.But really all insanity begins in the early hours of the morning. When the“people” who have been up since who knows when, and the “people” who are not yettruly up wander the earth. This of course has been referred to by many well meaning“people” who have never seen the light of day as the “zombie hour” (the author doesn’tactually know any well meaning “people”). This is the time that if you care for your sanity, the only place you can possibly be is in a bed somewhere, preferably with amember of whatever sex you prefer next to you. And as an aside, I would like to hopethat for all that read this, they find themselves in the before mentioned circumstancesregularly.And if you made it to this point of this diatribe, I wonder for your own sanity. AsI was explaining the reasons for my insanity, and not your own questionable sanity, I shallcontinue, to your eventual woe. I have spent most of the night sitting reading several webcomics. Most, as all good comics should, making fun of and destroying stupid “people”.Of course I share this very correct thought process. Do I believe that a person needs to beaware of what’s going on in the world to be smart? No, by no means no (and a “HELL NO” for good measure). In fact I believe that some of those “people” who useknowledge of current events to validate their own intelligence should be the first shot.And finally we come to my idea. For those “people” who have a firm grasp of their own intelligence, I hope you will find this piece of literature useful. I will attemptto place down proper etiquette and uses for the mass of stupid “people” you may run intoon your journey through life. I will attempt to cover how to identify a moron, idiot, ass,imbecile, etc. Other things I will cover are how much beating one of these miscreantsshould receive for what they say or do. I will also touch on possible uses of saidimbecile. I will also set out to point out a few sites that the more intelligent person mayenjoy online that realize the word “people” should be used as a curse word (hence everytime I use the word I will be putting it into quotation marks).For legal reasons, just to cover my ass should a stupid person actually read this, Imust point out that some of things suggested herein are highly illegal. And unless you’rea politician, rich enough to leave the country quickly, or willing to serve time in prison,and hence becoming someone’s bitch, do not take my words seriously. In fact if youwere going to do that, stop reading this. I mean it, put down the printout, put down the
 
 book, close the window (on your computer silly, ask a smart friend), and ask for help.Trust me; you are a special kind of stupid if you take me seriously.As I’m writing this I’m still not sure what format this should be in. Do I write a book, but then I have to publish it. Maybe an essay, but then what’s the point of skatingthrough high school. Possibly putting it down as a very forceful blog, but then I have to post it on several sites to get it read. Though I do know I’m all for the free internet, and Ireally don’t want to charge for this at all. Cause then it might become a fad, and it mightcome into the hands of a stupid “person”. And no one wants that. Well I’ll just write andfigure it out when I’m done.Step One: IdentificationOkay first off is to identify possible drains on society. I would like to point outthat there can be some mistakes made. Such as, a person who is crazy is not necessarilystupid. In fact, they may be very intelligent; they’ve just dealt with to many “people” for their own good. Another possible mistake is a person who is normally rather intelligent but makes a boneheaded mistake. It happens to the best of us, and more often the worstof us. Reasons vary for this event. Sleep deprivation is a common cause, as is repetitivetasks. But the most common reason is overexposure with the stupider side of the humanrace. Later in this monstrosity I will go over areas to avoid and how to survive them if you are forced to find yourself there. The last most common reason for stupidity amongthe intelligent mostly afflicts males. This of course being hormones, or our libido.Males, and by this I mean guys not men (refer to Dave Barry’s “Guide to Guys” for clarification), are the most likely to sink into this temporary stupidity.There are also many types of stupidity. Knowing them all is not necessary to a better life, but most likely you’ve already witnessed many of them: especially if you haveever turned on the television, or surfed the net. I will list some of the types here and caneven tell you the things you should really fear about them. It’ll be like a dementedanimal planet nature show.
 And here we see the alpha dimwit mark his territory by placing his high school letterman jacket over the bimbo’s shoulders.
Trust me it shouldonly cause a few “people” to need therapy. And hey without causing emotional scarswhat fun is it?We will start our journey through that which is hell on earth by meeting an idiotnot regularly seen by the public, the military moron. Trust me they exist, and in this caseat least natural selection can be more common. The most common nitwit spoken of in themilitary circles is the one that throws the pin. Yes, I mean they throw the pin, andcontinue to hold the grenade, the live grenade. Trust me folks there is reason claymoremines are labeled “Front Towards Enemy”. I will tell a true personal story just to proveit.I served in the Marine Corps as a combat photographer, so I know crazy “people”.All Marines after boot camp go through combat training. Depending on your future jobdepends on what course you go through. I went through the non-grunt (grunt meaninginfantry) course. Within my platoon, thankfully not my fire team or even my squad, wasa Marine who must have been led by his boot straps throughout life.Anyway, the company was doing a live-fire (real bullets) exercise. The range wasset up pretty simply, we move around an area acting like we’re on patrol, weapons safed
 
and unloaded. When we reach the actual firing portion of the exercise we come on line (aline where we’re all facing the same direction), load our weapons, and prepare to fire andmaneuver down the range. Some basic rules for this are that there is no flagging(pointing the weapon at with no intention of doing so) of the line, when someone anyonecalls cease fire you cease fire and put your weapon on safe, and of course don’t shoot anywildlife you happen to see (we were supposed to be a nature reserve). All very basicrules of common sense, safety stuff to keep us all alive. So in a matter of twenty minutesall before mentioned rules were violated. Thankfully, they were not all by the same person. The Marine that shot the deer just hadn’t seen it, not stupid just bad luck for thedeer. But cease fire was called, and one man ignored it, he then was accosted by aninstructor. At this point he did the dumbest mistake you can do on a live fire range. Heflagged the line with an unsafe, loaded weapon. If you need to see an example of thiswatch “Heartbreak Ridge”, good film Clint Eastwood might have made a good Marine,where a man on the range turns and fires several rounds along the dirt behind other members of his platoon. Fortunately for the Marine in question (and everyone aroundhim), he never fired any rounds when he flagged the lineThis is but one example, from just one guy (he has more, some that still piss meoff), of military stupidity. If you know someone in, or who was in, the military, ask themall about the simpletons they ran across during their time. If you don’t understand theacronyms they use, don’t worry sometimes they don’t know either. Just do what we alllearned in boot, go with the flow.The next stop on what could only be a misery journey is a very simple stop. It isan exhibit of moronity. It has made several intelligent well thought out shows move or even be canceled entirely. It’s a mar on society that has unfortunately created spin-offs of the original. It needs to be destroyed and all its satanic (no offense to Satan worshipers,I’m sure some of you are intelligent “people”) children. And of course I am speaking of none other than “American Idol”. I need to burn my hands just for typing those wordstogether. But worse than the show is the “people” who watch it religiously. And inreality I think the “people” who thought of it were geniuses, evil geniuses, but stillgeniuses. I mean they found a product that the American idiot (pun slightly intended)would eat up. And one that would torture the rest of us., Now, I have to hit on the religious nuts. I’m talking to you Jesus Freaks, anyonewho thinks a Jihad is a good idea, and pretty much any other radical religious nut outthere. Though I must not leave out the “people” that pick up a religion because they wantto get under someone’s skin, or to live out some fantasy, these “people” are a drain onthat religion and the world in general. Plus they are the one’s that are more likely to become the radical nuts. Before anyone goes into religious rant of wrath and hate, I muststate that yes I believe that Jesus is my savior but that I do not go well with any church or religion. Maybe it’s all the “people”, but I don’t do well. I will not force my faith onanyone else and will be the first to laugh at a good Jesus joke. You know how the rest of this spiel goes, yada, yada I respect all religions…blah. Anyway, I actually think anyonewho will force their beliefs on someone else is in all regards nuts and stupid. That prettymuch wraps up the Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses. If you want to bring “people” toyour religion, try a pancake breakfast, not door to door marketing. If religion comes upin the conversation, say because Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” was in someone’sDVD collection fine, not bringing the movie to a friends house along with the “Left
of 00

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