Egg Timing.

Written By: WeedGanger

www.reddit.com/user/WeedGanger/

FADE IN: INT. TEENAGE BEDROOM DAY Two high school boys sit on a leather couch. While the T.V.s on, the two are obviously only focused on smoking from their BONG. On the left side sits HAMPTON: a tall, well kempt athletic teenager. HAMPTON All Im saying is theres a time and a place for meaningful lyrics; but its not all the time, and its not everywhere we fucking go, so quit whining. KNOX sits to his right, with a face harboring creeping acne, and a head with a shagged-out fro. He shakes his head enthusiastically and hands Hampton the bong. KNOX No, I'm not whining, I'm just pointing out that hip hops shit filter isnt doing shit. Hampton contemplates Knoxs retort and takes a hit from the bong. KNOX CONT. I mean, all this garbage just blows. Theres always gonna be shit music, I know, but theres SO MUCH of it right now that legitimate artists cant get heard. (beat) Its uncool, man. Hampton bursts into a coughing fit and just barely manages to set the bong on the makeshift coffee table beside him. He takes a minute to recover.

HAMPTON ...Yeah, true. But you dont have to launch into a rant EVERY TIME you hear a song that wasnt written with tears or on a fucking...rose pedal, or something. KNOX I dont! HAMPTON Yeah, you do, man. KNOX No, I DONT, man. HAMPTON Dude. You DO do it. KNOX No. (beat) I see what this is. Knox leans back and smiles smugly. HAMPTON What? KNOX What? HAMPTON What do you think THIS is? KNOX I see right through all this, you know. HAMPTON What? KNOX I know what this is REALLY about.

HAMPTON No, because this really isnt really about anything. KNOX Right. Okay. HAMPTON Shut the fuck up and spill! KNOX Okay. You think that when I talk about how I hate new music I kill the mood. HAMPTON What mood? KNOX Whatever good mood is present. HAMPTON Alright, yeah. You do. I do think that. KNOX Okay, like when? HAMPTON Like all the time! KNOX Like at Stacys party last Friday? HAMPTON As a matter of fact, yes, you did. I distinctly remember it. KNOX Yep. HAMPTON What? KNOX I knew it. HAMPTON Knew what?!

KNOX I knew you had convinced yourself that girl you were talking too, Dixie-HAMPTON Danielle. KNOX Sorry, Danielle. You convinced yourself that Danielle wasnt coming on to you because of me. Because I killed the mood. HAMPTON I didnt convince myself that happened. I saw it happen, and my brain figured it out on its own. Dumbass. KNOX She wasnt into you, man! Theres nothing there! HAMPTON Dude. We listened to an entire four minute song together. We basically eyefucked each other the ENTIRE song. KNOX ...You literally stood in front of her - in the midst of a party - in silence, until she walked off. HAMPTON Yeah! Listening...to the song! KNOX You pussed out and youre trying to blame it on me! HAMPTON Like hell I did! I was eye-fucking! KNOX Actually, I remember her agreeing with me when I brought up how shitty the music was that night. We had a good conversation.

HAMPTON Oh, please. All in your head. KNOX I'm serious. HAMPTON Nope, its all in your sick little creative mind. KNOX She liked hearing my complaints. HAMPTON Even if you did actually talk to her, she didnt LIKE hearing your complaints. Thats not possible. She was just being POLITE. KNOX Maybe Ill text her sometime... HAMPTON Get out of my sight! I want pizza rolls and youre cooking them because youve upset me! KNOX Im going to, but not because of you. Theyre not for you! Knox gets off the couch and leaves the room. Hampton takes a breath and exhales audibly. HAMPTON Haters gonna hate. Live free and masturbate. Thats MY life motto. Yeah. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN CONTINUOUS

Knox sets the oven to 400 degrees and prepares the pizza rolls. Once aligned on the tray, he turns on the T.V. KNOX How about some...Nickelodeon. Yeah. The T.V. channel flicks to CARTOONS. Knoxs eyes are ridiculously red, and after what seems like just a moment of absolute concentration on the T.V., the oven beeps. KNOX Whoa. He slides the tray into the oven and fetches a large chrome egg timer from a nearby drawer. KNOX Ten minutes says the package, ten minutes says the chef! He sets the timer, places it on the counter, and leaves the kitchen. CUT TO: BEDROOM CONTINUOUS Hampton is completely enthralled in a video game, yelling and gesticulating at the T.V. violently. HAMPTON Oh you little bastard! (beat) If I knew thered be this much camping I wouldve brought my TENT! KNOX ENTERS THE ROOM and plops down on the couch. Hampton gives him a quick glance. KNOX Yes?

HAMPTON Are you just planning on using your Jedi super powers to sense when theyre ready? KNOX A Jedi would use the force to sense when theyre ready. They dont have super powers. HAMPTON Whatever, are you planning on using the force then?! KNOX No, I set a timer. Its downstairs. HAMPTON What good is that?-The sound of gunshots are booming out of the T.V.; Hampton throws his arms up in protest, and then gives the T.V. the finger. HAMPTON CONT. --Were all the way up here. KNOX Oh, well hear it. My mom got it online from some obscure Asian website. Its like industrial. HAMPTON Really? Thats weird. KNOX Yeah but trust me, if it went off in here, youd shit your pants. Its loud. Hampton laughs. HAMPTON Thats pretty cool, man. We could wreak havoc with that thing! KNOX Yeah, I know!

HAMPTON Why would your mom buy something like that though? KNOX I dont know. Im more curious about why she was on some random Asian website, cause it probably wasnt her intention to purchase an industrial egg timer. HAMPTON Thats a good point. She probably got lost. KNOX Yeah, probably. Let me try this. Hampton hands him the Xbox controller. CUT TO: EXT. MCDONALDS PARKING LOT DAY DAVE, an extremely tall, slim, twenty-something is hunched over in the drivers seat of A RUSTY OLD CAR. SULLIVAN sits in the passenger seat. Hes a fat, cumbersome, untidy man, about the same age as Dave. The two are both gorging on fast food, with wrappers and crumbs piled on their laps. DAVE Its a hard industry to break into. Well, every industry is nowadays. SULLIVAN True. DAVE Theres just no jobs. Not a single one. Thats the bottom line, Sully. And its killing our once great community here.

SULLIVAN I know. (beat) I saw that Wal-Mart was hiring... DAVE WAL-MART?! What, do you WANT to get minimum wage in exchange for being some white trashs personal shopping bitch? Sullivan unwraps a burger. SULLIVAN God no. DAVE No. No, me neither. Id rather die. SULLIVAN But its hard times all around. DAVE Especially for people like us. You know, GUYS, like you and me. SULLIVAN Yeah, I know. DAVE Were supposed to be in charge. Supposed to command respect, you know? SULLIVAN Sure, yeah. DAVE Were pushed to desperation! To use our intuition selfishly, just to put food on the table! SULLIVAN That McDonalds worker certainly didnt look like she was starving. I think theyre hiring, too.

DAVE Oh, fucking hell, I know. She had bigger tits than you for Christs sake! SULLIVAN Hey, remember who bought you this food. DAVE Relax, Sully! I'm just fucking around. But thats what I dont get though. SULLIVAN Whats that? DAVE That that whale is living on seven fifty an hour! And shes not one of a kind. Every time I go to a drive through its some lard-ass working. SULLIVAN Hmm, discounts? DAVE Bullshit; thats what my book says. Its just bullshit. SULLIVAN Youre writing a book? DAVE Just an expression, Sully. SULLIVAN Oh. (beat) Ive been thinking about writing a book. DAVE Well fuck me, Sullivan! A book on what? Weight distribution?

SULLIVAN No. A novel, about the hardships and adventures of a single dad desperately clinging to a vanishing middle class. DAVE Yeah, sounds like dribble. SULLIVAN You wouldnt know a good book if it smacked you in the face. DAVE Whats that supposed to mean? SULLIVAN Nothing. DAVE Yeah, okay. (beat) You college boys never change. Sullivan unwraps another burger. SULLIVAN So, what were you saying about this being a tough industry to break into? DAVE I was saying its tough, but for different reasons than all the other industries. SULLIVAN How so? DAVE Well, all the other industries have tons of people trying to get jobs, with their diplomas and resumes and shit. Dave takes a long sip from his Coke.

DAVE CONT. But THIS one is opposite. There arent enough people! Smart, capable people, that is. SULLIVAN Okay, but if so many people are poor and unemployed, why is there a shortage of people working? DAVE Because poor, unemployed people are stupid! Useless! Thats why they are where they are! SULLIVAN But me and you are unemployed and poor right now... DAVE No, see, were TEMPORARILY unemployed, and poor as a result of that. SULLIVAN Oh. I see. Dave tosses his trash out the window and starts the car. He pulls out of the McDonalds parking lot. DAVE The only hard part about breaking into this industry, though, is the nerves. SULLIVAN Yeah, I am pretty nervous. (beat) Youre SURE no ones home? DAVE Ive staked out this house for two whole weeks, Sully. The man of the house is gone till six in the afternoon every weekday, and every Thursday his wife leaves from nine till three.

SULLIVAN Any kids? DAVE One teenager. Hes in school, obviously. SULLIVAN Right. So how much time will we have? DAVE My calculations give us a four and a half hour window, assuming we get in there at nine thirty. Sullivan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. SULLIVAN Okay. DAVE Thats more than enough time to clear the house of all the goodies, possibly taking two trips, and to take a shit. Without flushing. SULLIVAN Youre not really doing that are you? DAVE Uh, yeah? Ive been looking forward to it for a while. CUT TO: EXT. SUBURBAN STREET CONTINUOUS Daves car travels down the road and parks a few yards away from the only house in sight. The cars clock reads 9:20 SULLIVAN So, if this chick leaves at nine every Thursday, why are we sitting here until nine thirty?

DAVE Because theres no harm in being on the safe side. Its ten minutes. SULLIVAN Oh! Thats what were doing here, while robbing this house... In the middle of the day. Were keeping on the safe side. DAVE Shut up. SULLIVAN Sorry. I get really agitated when I'm nervous. And I ramble on, kind of. Am I rambling now? Ill stop. DAVE Please do. Youre making me nervous. SULLIVAN Sorry. DAVE Its fine, just keep your cool in the house! Dont break shit! SULLIVAN Why not? Isnt that what criminals do? DAVE WE ARE NOT CRIMINALS! Were professional thieves in training. And professional thieves dont break shit. Cause the shit could be valuable. CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM DAY Knox and Hampton are fully engulfed in their video game. Their bong and other weed paraphernalia is scattered about in plain sight. A loud and unusual sound alerts Hampton.

HAMPTON Dude, did you hear that? KNOX What? HAMPTON That sound! KNOX No. What sound? HAMPTON I heard something. I think the pizza rolls are ready. KNOX No dude, I told you, that timer is mind bogglingly loud. HAMPTON Bogglingly. (beat) ...bogglingly. KNOX Bogglingly! The two laugh at how the word sounds after repetition. HAMPTON This is awesome man. No school, smoking weed, playing Xbox. And pizza rolls on the way! KNOX Hell yeah, dude. Nothing better than a teacher training day. HAMPTON ...Please go check out what the sound was, man! And the bong water needs to be replaced anyway. Knox peers into the bong.

KNOX Ew, yeah, youre right. Ugh. Knox forces himself up from the couch, grabs the bong, and exits the room. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN-TO-2ND-FLOOR STAIRS CONTINUOUS Knox is walking down the stairs, cautiously, as not to drop the bong. He stops and turns to face the way he came. KNOX What do you want to drink? HAMPTON (O.S.) Uh, ice! Tons of ice! With water! CUT TO: EXT. A HOUSES BASEMENT WINDOW - DAY Dave and Sullivan are dressed in all black, complete with balaclavas and spotless gloves. Theyre kneeling next to a large window. DAVE I brought my Marine Corps knife, check it out. Dave brandishes his matt black SWISS ARMY KNIFE. SULLIVAN Oh, good thinking. We might need a weapon if someones in there. DAVE Sully, theres no one in there. This isnt for protection. SULLIVAN Whats it for, then?

DAVE Its got a glass breaker on it! SULLIVAN Oh, terrific! Very professional. DAVE Thank you. Dave bashes the window with the glass breaker, but it doesnt even make a crack. DAVE What the hell?! He hits the window several more times, but to no avail. SULLIVAN Oh, get out of the way. Dave shuffles away. Sullivan aligns himself with the window. He takes a deep breath and then delivers a powerful kick to the center of the window. It shatters instantaneously. DAVE Wow. Well this fucking thing was a waste of money. Dave turns and throws his knife at a faraway tree. He misses. DAVE CONT. Nice kicking, though, Sully! Where did that come from? SULLIVAN I took a few years of karate. My body is a weapon.

DAVE Very cool. Im sure your technique will hold up well in a real fight. SULLIVAN I assure you, it will. You first. Dave hesitates. SULLIVAN CONT. I kicked the window in. Youre going in first. DAVE Fine. INT. BASEMENT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Dave crawls through the window. He looks around cautiously. The room is walled with shelves of knick knacks and photos. Approving of his surroundings, he motions for Sullivan to climb in. Sullivan squeezes through the window and tumbles onto the floor. DAVE Fucking hell, Sully. SULLIVAN It was a tight squeeze! DAVE No, get over here! Look at this! Sullivan joins Dave in admiring a framed collection of MARINE CORPS MEDALS AND CERTIFICATES. SULLIVAN Christ. This guys like Jason Bournes daddy.

DAVE Tell me about it. But dont psych yourself out, hes gone for at least four and a half hours, remember? SULLIVAN Yeah. DAVE Okay, you search the rest of this basement for valuables, while I go check out the giant living room television. SULLIVAN Good plan! CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN CONTINUOUS Dave strolls into the kitchen from the basement stairs. He pauses in front of the fridge and casually opens the door, reviewing its contents. He notices the CARTOONS PLAYING ON THE T.V. KNOX(O.S.) What do you want to drink? Dave whips around, leaving the fridge door open. He spots Knox on the stairs, still ignorant of his presence. Daves face turns ghostly white. KNOX (to himself) Ice water. That does sound delicious. Knox turns around and MEETS EYE-TO-EYE WITH DAVE standing in front of the fridge, about fifty feet away. A tense beat. Knox glances over at the DECORATIVE TABLE near the base of the stairs.

Another tense beat... DAVE SULLY! GET THE FUCK UP HERE! Knox MAKES A BREAK FOR THE TABLE Dave sees Knox make his move and CHARGES THROUGH THE KITCHEN TOWARDS HIM. DAVE AHHHH!!!! Knox sets the bong down on the table and braces himself for Daves impact. As Dave is just a few feet away from Knox, the EGG TIMER RINGS OUT WITH AN ABSURDLY LOUD PIERCING SCREETCH! Dave and Knox are both STUNNED BY THE NOISE. Knox RECOVERS FIRST and realizes Daves vulnerability. Knox PUNCHES DAVE SQUARE IN THE NOSE, sending him sprawling backwards. TOP OF KITCHEN-TO-2ND-FLOOR STAIRS HAMPTON HAMPTON Pizza rolls!! ANGLE ON: KNOX KNOX GRAB THE BASEBALL BAT! Hampton, confused, looks to Knox and sees DAVE in his ALL BLACK OUTFIT. He then REALIZES WHATS HAPPENING below him. INT. BEDROOM HAMPTON Hampton bursts into the room and drops to the floor. From under the bed he grabs a WOODEN BASEBALL BAT.

HAMPTON Oh, god, oh god, oh god! INT. BASEMENT STAIRS SULLIVAN Sullivan is barreling up the stairs, taking them two at a time. SULLIVAN Im coming Dave! AS Sullivan is in mid step, the EGG TIMER RINGS OUT WITH AN ABSURDLY LOUD PIERCING SCREETCH! Sullivan TRIPS OVER THE STEP. He SMACKS HIS FOREHEAD on the handrail and TUMBLES DOWN THE STAIRCASE. INT. KITCHEN KNOX AND DAVE - CONTINUOUS The two are interlocked, PUNCHING AND KICKING each other, both in a frenzy. Dave lands a SOLID PUNCH TO KNOXS GUT. He grabs Knox by the shoulders and SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE WALL. ANGLE ON: HAMPTON Hampton, baseball bat in hand, is TEARING DOWN THE STAIRS, coming to Knoxs aid. ANGLE ON: SULLIVAN Sullivan untangles himself and jumps to his feet. He STARTS BACK UP THE STAIRS, FASTER THAN BEFORE. ANGLE ON: KNOX Knox manages to PUSH DAVE AWAY and delivers a solid KICK TO DAVES NUTS. KNOX Theres A SECOND ONE! HES COMING! SULLIVAN(O.S.) Dave! Dave, what the fucks going on?!

Hampton dashes over to the wall closest to the sound of Sullivans voice. He READIES HIS BASEBALL BAT. Sullivan comes REELING ROUND THE CORNER. Hampton swings the bat wildly, STRIKING SULLIVAN DIRECTLY IN THE FACE. Sullivan is CLOTHES-LINED, landing FLAT ON HIS BACK, next to Dave, who is still recovering from his crotch injury. The force of the impact sends Hampton STUMBLING BACKWARDS into Knox. Dave and Sullivan scramble to their feet. They stand opposite Hampton and Knox in the kitchen. The four stare at each other, no one willing to break the tense silence. The silence IS SHATTERED by the sound of a cars engine. Through the kitchen window, Knox, Hampton, Dave, and Sullivan see A CAR DRIVING DOWN THE DRIVEWAY. HAMPTON Youre dads home! The four exchange stunned glances. DAVE ...RUN!!! Dave and Sullivan BOLT FOR THE BASEMENT STAIRS. KNOX Hide the bong! Im gonna go clean up the weed! HAMPTON Yes! Go! Fuck! BASEMENT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

DAVE and SULLIVAN SCRAMBLE OUT THE WINDOW clumsily. EXT. OUTSIDE KNOXS BASEMENT CONTINUOUS Sullivan squeezes through the window first, and LIMPS TO THE CAR. Dave follows, but spots his SWISS ARMY KNIFE in the grass. DAVE You little fucking bastard. He GRABS THE KNIFE and sprints to the car. INT. BEDROOM CONTINUOUS Knox throws the bag of weed, grinder, lighters, and rolling papers into a BLACK BAG and tosses it under his bed. He glances out the window and sees DAVES CAR SPEEDING AWAY. HAMPTON ENTERS THE ROOM and quickly rolls the BLOODIED BASEBALL BAT under the bed. The two take their spots on the couch, SWEATY AND OUT OF BREATH. A tense beat. KNOXS DAD(O.S.) Knox, I'm home! KNOX Oh, cool, hey! Why are you out so early?! KNOXS DAD(O.S) Layoffs! They laid some of us off and sent the rest of us, like me, home with paid vacation for a few days!

KNOX Whoa, no kidding! KNOXS DAD(O.S.) Yeah! Hey, your pizza rolls are burning! Hampton and Knox turn to each other and laugh in disbelief. KNOX Not a word, Hampton. Hampton nods. KNOX Well never hear the end of it. HAMPTON I know. KNOX ...Okay, lets go eat them pizza rolls. Knox and Hampton FIST-BUMP. THE END