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These are the funniest lines I've ever read... If you agree, vote for them.
Steven Wright 
(born1955-12-06 ) is an American actor, writer, and comedian.
One-liners from his stand-up routine"Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.""So, do you live around here often?"A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" Isaid, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you pushdown on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.And see this thing? This steers it."A fool and his money are soon partying.A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planetEarth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and anIUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designssynthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob adepartment store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money inthe vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasingthem by watering them with ice cubes.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he just pulledout a quarter?Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a realbrick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'mgonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in thesame room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...nowmy room's all shiny.George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hearhim talk.I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Comehere, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He's much smarter now... Now when I call himhe just ignores me and keeps on typing.
 
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there,but I can't leave.I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went tosleep; the record had a skip. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrapdepartment and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would knowwhen to stop unwrapping.I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, butmy lawyer thinks he can get me five.I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.I can levitate birds. No one cares.I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time togo to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just godown to the end of tired and hang a right." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a left. My mother was there, and shesaid "I thought I told you to go to sleep."I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. Youcouldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noisego by.I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fishtank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this<<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another tenguppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one—it wasn't doing what Iwas doing.I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I getpulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see itclearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. Shesaid, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They'rebehind the couch." And they were!I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to thefuneral in one car.I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly theprescription ran out.I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's goingto be up all night.I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave amessage and I'll call when I'm out."
 
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking hiskeys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beatingup a child.I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas,people behind me stop, and I'm gone.I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me arefurious!I invented the cordless extension cord.I just lost a buttonhole.
[while looking at stage floor] 
I know a man who is a midget dwarf, he's this tall.
[holding his thumb and  forefinger three inches apart] 
He poses for trophies.I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire.I like to reminisce with people I don't know.I like to skate on the other side of the ice.I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright; I was still inside.I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was puttingSlinkies on the escalator.I mix my water myself—two parts H and one part O.I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coathanger.I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going reallyfast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot totake the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonicasounds *amazing*.I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. Theywent "Aaaaahhhh..."I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them.Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman onTV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."I recently got a new camera. It's really new, I mean Really new.. you don'teven need it.I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm theonly one moving.I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.I saw a friend recently. He asked why I hadn't called him. I told him I can'tcall everyone I want because my new phone has no 5 on it. He asked me howlong I had had the phone, but I couldn't tell him because my calendar has nosevens on it.I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
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chocoguy

nice one-liners..most of them are nice..the other's just suck..

reply12 / 18 / 2007
curiousgeorge

LOL:-) hilarious...must rent his DVD.

reply07 / 15 / 2007
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