I THE BACK PAGE BY PAUL RUDNICK
QUEER EYE FOR THE WHOLE WORLD
I a ueer Eye for the Straight Guy,"
the television show in which a
quippy platoon of gay tastemakers (the
Fab Five) assists clueless heterosexual
dudes in matters of fashion, decor, and
grooming, has become the biggest hit
on cable. The show has been such a
smash, why not try broadening the
scope?A few spinoff possibilities:
1. Queer Eye for Iraq: "Yes, we
know you're fundamentalist Muslims,
but what's with the untamed eyebrows?
Tweeze and shape, and then maybe
you'll start promoting education for
women. But we love the classic head-
wraps, the knee-skimming Bea Arthur
vests, and those jihad-ready harem
pants-it isn't about hating the West,
it's about drape. Let's face it, wasn't
Saddam just a tad Sonny Bono by
way of Tony Orlando with a Yosemite
Sam/Village People leatherman mus-
tache? Didn't the droopy facial hair
and the Connie Francis dye job scream,
'Even if I'm not hiding plutonium I still
look like a midtown doorman'? As for
Uday and Qusay, well, let's just say i t
they weren't exactly the Hilton sisters.
Here's our fashion fatwa: no more straf-
ing embassies, spitting at U.S soldiers,
or wearing sandals with tube socks in
the mosque, 'kay?"
2. Queer Eye for Arnold Scbwarz-
enegger: "You work out obsessively,
you're rumored to have a wild sex life,
and you love Arnold Schwarzenegger
movies-you're practically gay already!
But here's a tip: ditch the cadre of heavy-
artillery advisers, forget about taking
a serious position on the economy, and
bring back Conan the Barbarian. The
crafts-project jockstrap, the studded
rawhide bicep bracelets, the macho-
Cher headband with the just-for-fun
noseguard-to the queer eye it says, 'I
am California.' If you want to win, dress
like a car.''
206 THE NEW YORKER, SEPTEMBER 22, 2003
-
Very Hilfiger. Very askewrep tie, rumpled
khakis, and I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-
with-an-ambitious-commoner hair. "
for'
6. Queer'Eye Hillary Rodham CZin-
ton: "Darling. Girlfriend. Sir. Yes, we
know that black pants suits always work:
they're slimming, they travel, and you
can just toss a pastel sweater over your
shoulders for the 'Today' show, as if
you're saying, 'You see, Katie, I'm not
just an Orthodox rabbi with highlights.'
But let's branch out-why not a black
* pants suit with a fuchsia superhero cape?
3. Queer Eye for Israel and the Pal- O r add jumbo 24k. gold I d Arnin-style
estinians:"Ladies. Cuddlekins. Can we epaulets. Or a flash of lacy purple bra
retract the press-on nails, put down that tells us, 'Fine, I'm a future Presi-
the teasing combs, and leave the lav- dent, but sometimes I enjoy wearing
atory? Think of yourselves as Barbra women's clothing.' "
Streisand versus Katharine Hepburn-
duelling divas, yet they shared an Oscar. 7. Queer'Eyefor George IT Bush: "The
Israel, you're proud, you're undaunted, Marlboro stiff jeans. The 1978 San Fran-
you're kibbutz-chic, but remember: all cisco leather bomber jacket. The huge,
of those extra pockets on your cargo state-fair-prize-heifer Republican rodeo ;
pants don't really need to be filled with belt buckles. It's all too G.I. Joe on fur-
grenades. And Palestine-you're be- lough, Ken in Alaska, the plaid-flannel- *
leaguered, you're feisty, you're looking and-canvas-work-gloves-for-Father's-
for love, but strapping dynamite around Day section of the Sears catalogue. It
your midsection doesn't just kill inno- cries, 'I'm responsible, I've stopped drink-
cent people; it ruins the line of your ing, and Laura thinks that my penis is just "
safari-casual top. Our idea of a suicide the right size, thank you.' So let's loosen
bomber is whoever's been styling Brit- up, let's tell all those other countries that
ney Spears-is that what we want the the leader of the free world is lemon-
world to look like?" cashmere confident.When you'rejogging
around the Washington Monument, let's
4. Queer Eye for the Blackout: try a Bruce Weber wifebeater-T-and-
"Wouldn't it have been heavenly if, when surfer-Jams combo, with all of those
the lights came back on, everyone had hunky Secret Service guys in plaid boxers
moisturized?" and sweat. And why not deliveryour next
State of the Union address in an open
5. Queer Eye for the Royal Family: collar, a Gucci-narrow peacoat, and a ,
"Queen Elizabeth, don't touch a thing, who-needs-France baseball cap worn
because sometimes everything should backward?You could be the first unstop-
match. Prince Charles and Camilla, we pable freedom fascist to say 'I love me in
love the navy blazers, the muddy hiking a mink-lined vintage acid-washed Levi's
c^
boots, and all of that scratchy tweed on jacket.' The planet is looking to you, so
both of you; we think it's an out-there work the tan, bleach the teeth, and always
statement on lesbian marriage. And as and forever, after your 'May God bless us 5
for those little Princes:yum. Double yum. all' finale, blow a big fat kiss. Mwah!"+ 2