bad sex emily post-
Dear Beej,Shopping period’s over, and I have a great set o classes with some bangin’ proessors—literally in more ways than one. I totally have the hots or this one teacher, and let’s ace it, he’s why I’m tak-ing this class. He’s brilliant, a great lecturer, and he’s got that silver ox thing going or him (I’d be more specic, but I’d hate to say anything to tar-nish his reputation). Since this is my senior year,I’m thinking it might be time to check “monkey business with pro” o my bucket list. Have any suggestions on where to begin my seduction? It’s kind o a large class.Sincerely,Pro I’d Like to F*ck
Dear PILF,I’m pleased to hear that at least one o my readers is so excited by academics. So oten, itis easy to become caught up in student lie, a rivolous social scene that rarely bothers withthe deeper concerns o higher learning. I’mimpressed that you have the maturity to seek knowledge greater than that o your peers, inthe mind and bed o an older gentleman andscholar.I have a system or seducing proessors, with a 73% success rate in the humanities andan 86% success rate in the sciences. First, at-tend oce hours. Not all the time, not all atonce, but pose as i you have an interest inhis subject beyond just the paper topics. Startgarnering details about his personal lie, drop-ping in questions during your meetings. Be-gin at the academic, “How did you come toknow partial dierentials so intimately?” andprogress to the more amiliar, “Where did youmeet your current wie?” Ten, when youcan’t make his oce hours, propose an out-side meeting, preerably over lunch or coee. At your meeting, look as hot as possible. Wear perume. Use the word “mentor” at leastthree times, and “extra guidance” at least our.Propose some greater project: an URA, a thesis, oer to A a class in the uture. Pick up the tab. Finally, oer your phone num-ber—i he reciprocates, you’re in. Grab thosespectacles, shove those papers o his desk, andlearn your lesson, you naughty girl.Remember, change your grading option toS/NC beore the closing date. A botched se-duction attempt might lower you rom an A to a B—but he denitely won’t ail you.Good luck with the all semester!BeejP.S. I can only presume you are talking about Arnold Weinstein (
silver ox). Getin line.
Dear Emily,I’m standing by the computers in Faunce with six minutes to class and a hastily writ-ten essay to print out. O course it’s the rst assignment o the semester, so what’s run-ning through my mind is that I’m going tobe labeled as the Lazy Kid Who’s Always Late … again. Tere’s an intense-looking dude wearing headphones and typing uriously— not going to bother him. But then there’s this asshole next to him tooling around onFacebook. I’ve already done the whole clear- your-throat, shufe-your-eet routine: no one home. I tap him on the shoulder, say, “Excuse me? I need to print out an essay?” He glances back, rolls his eyes, and then URNS BACK O FACEBOOK CHA! What the hell?!? Sincerely,Relinquish Ur Desktop or Else!
Dear RUDE!,Emily has some scathing words or thiscretin … ater she pours hersel anothergin and tonic. Ahhh, that’s better.Tere are two lessons Emily would likeyou to take away rom this column. First,a G&, much like a classic black dress ora tasteully carried Pomeranian, is alwaysappropriate. Second, etiquette—con-trary to what you may have heard—is notabout the correct placement o cutlery. Itis about codiying proper social behaviorin a weighty book, so that said book may be used to orcibly chastise the impolite.Go out and buy yoursel a copy o
Emily Post-’s Etiquette.
(All proceeds go to Em-ily’s Save the urbans und.) Te next timeyou encounter a similar jerk, you have my blessing to drop the volume on his rapidly-moving ngers.Failing this, Emily suggests that you re-sort to a much-beloved British import andclassic WASP weapon: the disapproving tut. o produce this eect, tilt your chinslightly upwards and gaze superciliously down your nose. Ten, when you havethe object o your opprobrium xed inyour sights, begin to shake your head in a pained manner and release the occasional“tut.” Advance slowly as you do this. Teinevitable product o the disapproving tutis a vague sense o shame, ollowed short-ly by the desire to hide in a corner. Tatought to ree up the computer nicely, no?For those o you who have begun to earthat this weapon will be used against you,know that it can be avoided by ollowing one very simple dictate: Be a decent hu-man. Emily implores you.
shenanigans in the republic of gangnam
riding an asian tiger
Listen, I’m not much o a vocalist. Butthere I was, in a tackily lit room on a or-eign continent, voluntarily (and soberly)belting the lyrics to the Cardigans’ “Love-ool” to hal a dozen o my Brown encing teammates …. How did this happen?First, some context. My teammates andI were on a sponsored weeklong Augustsojourn in South Korea or a U.S.–Korea intercollegiate tournament. Embracing theauthentic Korean experience, we masteredthe use o at metal chopsticks, cookedchoice barbecue, weathered monsoonrains, spent thousands o won, and sub- jected ourselves to imbibing soju beoreembarking on a rigorous anthropologicalstudy o local nightlie—culminating inour great discovery o Gangnam style.Soju (literally, “burned liquor”) is a pop-ular, very inexpensive alcohol in Korea thatis drunk neat and tastes like watery vodka inused with creeping disappointment.But in soju veritas (or something). So with withered taste buds and humidity-wiltedhair, we set o Seoul-searching in Hong-dae, an area in the capital known or itsurban underground clubs. It was at thene establishment Ho Bar where we rstheard PSY’s Korean-pop hit “GangnamStyle.” (We later realized we had initially misheard its chorus: “Oppan GangnamStyle,” not “Open Condom Style.”)PSY, as in “Psycho,” is a controversialKorean rapper à la Das Racist, appropri-ately nicknamed “Bizarre Singer.” Deying K-pop’s conventional image o attractivemales who dance as well as they croon,PSY is a decidedly gooy, middle-ageddude. His rank, tongue-in-cheek lyricsand humorous stage perormances havegarnered attention in the K-pop andom.But it wasn’t until “Gangnam Style,”now a viral meme, that PSY unexpectedly broke into the international scene. Sincethe summer, the Internet has exploded with parodies and witter endorsementsrom well-known acts such as -Pain, Katy Perry, and Britney Spears. PSY even ap-peared on Te Ellen DeGeneres Show toteach the latter his iconic invisible-horse-riding jig. I you somehow haven’t seenthe peculiar music video, watch it imme-diately. You’ll be treated to not only theaorementioned equestrian rolicking butalso nonsensical sequences o tomoolery,colorul bastardizations o Korean liestyle,and an explosion. From the Youube de-scription: “Te song is characterized by itsstrongly addictive beats and lyrics, and isthus certain to penetrate the oundationso modern philosophy.” Yet through the strange chaos, the song provides a nuanced insight into Koreansociety that’s not readily apparent to out-siders. South Korea’s advanced economy isan “Asian iger,” having experienced rapidindustrialization and high growth anddevelopment rom the ‘60s to the ‘90s.Gangnam, a Seoul neighborhood withsurging real estate values, is the country’srichest district, home o the nation’s onepercent. Such extreme wealth and con-sequent ostentatious consumption haveengendered a materialistic #YOLO swag attitude o Gangnam lie, i.e., Gangnamstyle. For many diligent and aspirationalSouth Koreans—who work the world’s longest hours—this nouveaux riche opu-lence epitomizes success,and they get carried away with conspicuous spend-ing to appear afuentand Gangnamese.Te music videocombines the catchi-ness o “Call MeMaybe” with theridiculous antics o LMFAO in por-traying a carica-ture o a Gang-nam man whosestatus symbolsare revealed as aux-glam shams. Playing a vain dandy, PSY is not merely being absurd. He’s also sub-tly mocking this hollow, shallow worshipo the haves. His beach turns out to be a sandy playground; his nightclub, a bus o dancing tourists (a cultural allusion); histhrone, a toilet. Instead o being coveredin conetti on a red carpet, he is showered with trash and snow in a parking garage.He meets his “sexy lady,” a classy woman who also knows how to party, in the sub- way.One o the song’s reerences was evidentin quotidian lie. On our day tour o Seoul, we noticed a sureit o caes populated by polite young proessionals. In “GangnamStyle,” PSY brags about one-shotting nothis soju but his scalding coee, reerring tothe beverage’s signication o wealth as a luxury good. Some Korean women evensubsist on cheap ramen to aord Star-bucks—kind o like college students, butor dierent reasons. I America runs onDunkin’, South Korea pins its dreams o ying on it.One balmy night, we visited Gangnamitsel and witnessed rsthand the homog-enous queues o impeccably coied privi-leged kids trying too hard to seem like they weren’t trying at all. Wading through thedesigner skinny jeans, we eventually oundkaraoke. Lack o inebriation notwith-standing, I heartily participated—hencemy uncharacteristic serenading. And why not? As Josh Groban tweeted: “It’s a Gang-nam Style world, we’re just living in it.”
KATHY NGUYENfeatures editorbeej