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Greg Rowland - My First Critical Theory ABC

Greg Rowland - My First Critical Theory ABC

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Published by: isotic on Sep 24, 2012
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09.08.2012My First Critical Theory ABC
By: Greg Rowland
| Categories: Browbeating, Haw-Haw, Poetryhttp://hilobrow.com/tag/abc-theory/ 
 Back to school! This coming week, HiLobrow will publish a series — written by our friend and contributor Greg Rowland, and illustrated by our friend and contributor Joe Alterio — of alphabeticalrhymes, for kiddies, about capital-T Theory. Rowland has been threatening to write an ABCs of Theory for years… so we told him to put up or shut up. Thankfully, he put up. Here is his introduction.
* * * *Walk into any Kindergarten and you will bear witness to a sand box, a swing, a toy car, a battered dolly, awet play area and a panoply of reactionary picture books, groaning under the weight of their hegemonicspite.So we must surely take heed of Lenin’s words when he asked “What is to be done”? (I strongly disputerecent research that claims Lenin asked this question of a waitress at a St. Petersburg cafe when his Beef Stroganoff included an excess of boiled beetroot slices.)Hence I have constructed a radical counter-blast to the pervasive neo-fascism of the play group. Thiscoming week, comrades, we are launching a seven-day induction into critical theory, thus leaving childrenequipped to challenge the dehumanising practices of the Kindergarten Konvention.Read these poems to your children. Ensure that your comrades and acquaintances do the same, or if not,denounce them as Fellow Travellers. Above all campaign, by any means necessary, for the printpublication of this opus along with a monetary advance that adequately reflects the agonies of my geniusin forging these poems of radicalism, hope and complete pointlessness.
* * * *
‘A’ is for
, and taking and makingAnd walking the dog and birthday cake baking,And how it joined up to big money and power,To the rich and the poor, and the poo and the flower.‘B’ is for
who liked to do
Walt’s own special combo of thinking and walking.He saw magic glow-stuff, the art of the night,So sometimes, in moonshine, he was covered in Light.
, our ‘C’, says girls and boys all equal each otherAnd that kisses should land between one and another.But Helene has a warning for all of your brothers:Don’t write with your willy, or you’ll upset your Mothers.
(‘D’) confused lots of folksWhen once he gave talking a bit of a poke:Words are just silly — they don’t make much sense,Like a cup that’s a lion but is really a fence.
(‘E’), King Reader respected,Said stories could lead to things quite unexpected,Like bad bully-thinking that should be rejectedAnd ideas that are nice, but often neglected.
 ‘F’ is
of ‘Knowledge is Power’.So remember that phrase when told to ‘Go Shower’’Cos if you provide some good enough reasonsYou can stay dirty for up to three seasons.‘G’ is for
, he’s Mr Hegemony,So ruling by guns is only a memory,Replaced by some films, some adverts ‘n’ ceremony,So all will behave — every Tom, Dick and Jeremy.‘H’ is for
, made chewy ideas and stretched them like goo,Took one side of a thought and the other side tooAnd boiled them together to make Good Idea Stew,The ideas were delicious, though not always quite true.‘I’,
— it’s too much of mine,A lonely small dinner where only one dines.But I is much better when given a plusSo its good-bye to I and hello to Us.

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