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RECIPES FOR ROMANCE 10 BY PASTOR GLENN PEASELESSON 10HUMOROUS INTRODUCTIONS1. SEX A woman said to her doctor our sex life has really improved since myhusbands head injury. Really said the doctor, how can that be? She responded-He just doesn't bother me so often now.Women need to realize that often a man is sex oriented and instead of resistingthis she is wiser to use it. Help your husband develop a pattern that is pleasing toyou and which meets your needs and make it pay off for him and you have a win-win situation.Men want sex as easy as they can get it. But they will also go the long way if theyare assured of the prize.Studies show that "men tend to sexualize intimacy and women tend toaffectionalize sex." This leads to a lot of hurt feelings when the wife screams all youcare about is sex and he screams back well you never care about it. She accuses himof being a sex maniac and he accuses her of being frigid.The solution is to simply guarantee both will have their need met by the wifesaying here is what I need, the husband meeting that need and then the wife meetinghis need. Mutual partners benefiting one another-rather than opponents denyingone another.If God's recipe for romance is one year of living so as to cheer up a wife andmake life exciting and enjoyable for her then we can assume that there are a lot of ways to do this. They had no TV or theatre, no zoo's or amusement parks or evenplaces to eat out. Yet for one year it was a husband's job to entertain his wife.All to often a man thinks sex is all the fun a wife needs and this leads toresentment. One wife said- "Once a man gets what he wants out of marriage,meaning sex, he is not as much interested in the needs of a woman in other areas,"one frustrated wife confessed. "He loses his courteousness, his protectiveness, hissense of primal value of me that we had in courtship. I find myself becoming thenprimarily a sex partner to assuage his urges and not much more. Sex holds usshakily together, but for how long?"It is not that women do not enjoy sex but they see it just as part of a largerpicture and not the whole picture as men often do. When men make sex the onlyfun in life together it leads to stories like this:All psychologist agree on one thing: People need excitement. God made us toenjoy life and gave us a world full of things to enjoy and to get excited about. It isan obligation as well as an opportunity to add quality to your life by making lifemore exciting for your mate.Why is a friend a friend? Because they add some measure of excitement to yourlife. People who bore you tend not to become your friends-they stay relatives ormere acquaintances. Friends are fun.Mates are to become best friends in this sense-that they have fun together andexcite each other.
 
But there is a problem to solve here. Mates have different ideas about what isfun and what is loving. Marital therapists often give couples the assignment of giving their mate a day of caring. Listen to one husband’s response to his wife’s day.She began the day by bringing me breakfast in bed. Then she ran a hot bath for me,and while I was in the tub she brought me a paperback novel she had boughtbecause she thought I'd enjoy reading it. Then, as her big surprise, she produced apair of tickets to an afternoon concert.""And how did you feel about all that?" the therapist asked.The man hesitated, then blurted out: "I didn't like it! I felt like a completeingrate, of course, but I hated it. I do not like to have breakfast in bed; it makes methink I'm in a hospital. I much prefer a shower to a tub bath, and I certainly wantto choose my own reading matter. As for the concert-well, I do enjoy music but it sohappened there was a play-off football game on television that afternoon that Iwould rather have watched.""So the experiment was a complete failure?" Inquired the counselor."Not really," the man replied. "Halfway through the day I realized somethingimportant. All the things my wife did for me were things she would have wanted meto do for her, I suddenly understood what would make her feel loved. For the firsttime I started to know the difference between what she really wanted from me andwhat I thought she wanted."In this instance the "caring" experiment, artificial though it was, producedimportant insights. In most relationships, however, partners remain unaware thattheir ways of demonstrating and accepting love are incompatible. The emotionalscript is obvious, and self-defeating:1, like every man and woman, want to be loved. But, like every man andwoman, I have my own idea, grounded in my personality and temperamentand experience, of what loving and being loved means. Moreover, locked inthe prison of my own ways of thinking and feeling, I assume that mydefinition of love is the only correct one. As a result, I want and expectto be loved in the same way that I love others, with the same responses thatI interpret as the evidence of lovingness.But I am not loved that way. Instead (and quite logically, if one couldbe logical about this), I am loved the way my partner thinks and feels aboutlove, the way he or she understands and expresses it. In my owndistress, I do not recognize that my partner is experiencing the same.GROUP ACTIVITYHave you ever fantasized about being the opposite sex and how you could make aperson like you happy if you were your mate?If I were my wife I would cook my favorite foods more often and I would be moresexually playful. Food and sex are the two areas of pleasure that are basic to a man.He thinks if he were a woman he could easily do a superior job of the role.Likewise a wife could easily be more affectionate and intimate and thoughtful if she were a husband. we know what we want and need and so it seems so easy.Why isn't it so easy being who we are? Because we only feel our own needs andnot those of our mates.
 
The game of role reversal can help us identify with our mate. Each of you playthe game briefly by saying if I were you and you were me here is what I would dofor me.Husband being the wife.1.2.Wife being the husband.1.2.But before we get with our mates lets get in groups of 5. Men and women andshare with each other what we would do to improve our marriage if we were theopposite sex. List the things to report to the whole group.Husbands if they were wivesWives if they were husbands."What is that old proverb about the moss and the rolling stone? Queried thecountry girl."A revolving fragment of the Paleozoic Age collects no crypto" amours vegetation,"replied her cousin from Girton.--Selected.The key to romance is discovering which key opens the door of romance in yourmate. I have several keys, which slip into the lock on the church door. But only onewill turn and actually open the door. So there are many keys to romance but youhave to find the key or keys that fit your mate’s heart.One of our goals in this series of seminars is to hope you become aware of different love-styles and different love-languages. So you can better define whatlove is to your mate and thus be more effective in finding the right key that opensthem up to romance. Different keys work for different people and if we think onekey fits all we get into trouble. For we can't make the wrong key work.The major curse of marital communication is we may know which key will openour romantic door. But we do not tell our mate and we become frustrated withthem because we assume they should know.Martial therapist Carl Fred Broderick often tells his clients of an incidentthat occurred in the early days of his own marriage. Having come down with theflu, Broderick took to his bed and waited to be cared for by his bride. Specifically,he waited for her to bring him large glasses of orange juice--something that hismother had always done whenever he had been sick as a child. Now, thoughBroderick's wife paid attention to his needs in every other way, no juice wasforthcoming. Eventually the therapist said, with what he thought was great tact,"Honey, I didn't realize there wasn't any orange juice in the house." Taking thehint, his wife brought him one small glass of juice. When hours passed without arefill, Broderick asked for more. Another small glassful appeared.The same sequence of events continued for two more days until finally thetherapist's wife said with some annoyance, "What is this with you and orange juice?Even when I get some for you it doesn't seem to satisfy you!" Having grown up
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