Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drinkbeer all day.Give me ambiguity or give me something else.Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.He who laughs last thinks slowest.Honk if you love peace and quiet.Honk if you want to see my finger.How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?How does Teflon stick to the pan?How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.I took an IQ test and the results were negative.I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!If you can't convince them, confuse them.If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.If you haven't much education you must use your brain.If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's thetime to do it.It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.Keep honking. I'm reloading.Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.