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quiet, subtle, and hidden. That\u2019s because they keep a lot of what they\u2019re feeling to themselves. One reason is that they\u2019re unfamiliar with expressing their feelings. They haven\u2019t had the practice so they don\u2019t know how. They\u2019ve never developed the language to do so. The other is that they aren\u2019t comfortable with that kind of thing. Think about it. If you\u2019d been taught since you were little that it\u2019s not okay to cry, not okay to show fear, not okay to get mushy about love, basically, not okay to express your emotions, do you think you would be very expressive? If you\u2019re honest, you\u2019ll answer no. (Men Made Easy explains why this is in great depth.)
There are a lot of emotions that can be fairly well ignored but love is not one of them. Love is such a huge, all-encompassing emotion that when a man feels it, it seems like an earth-shaking event. Men are cautious about letting themselves feel too much. It feels to them like they\u2019re losing control. From your perspective it appears that he\u2019s not showing his love. But it could very well be that he\u2019s scared because he\u2019s feeling so much. When a man finally gives in to love he lets it fill him up, warming him completely. And all those feelings are because of what you do to him, how you make him feel. He feels alive for maybe the first time in his life. He\u2019s grateful and at the same time he\u2019s scared.
One of the primary differences between men and women is that men are generally less expressive. This is nothing new to you. Since men often have difficulty even feeling their emotions, they certainly can\u2019t tell you or anyone else about them. Don\u2019t get me wrong, they feel deeply but they just don\u2019t know what to do with those feelings. Because they have been taught since they were little boys not to do anything that could be construed as sissy, most men pushed down, ignored, and never learned to acknowledge their emotions. So your husband is not likely to get too mushy, even though mushy is probably what you want. He\u2019s more inclined, and certainly more comfortable, expressing his love through action. He prefers todo something: buy something, slay dragons, impress you with his strength, smarts, lovemaking skills, or fast cars. Vroom, vroom! We don\u2019t see this as very tender, and certainly not mushy. But it\u2019s important that you know this about him because it will help you be less critical and less disappointed by expectations. It might not feel very good at the moment, but you need to raise your level
When you were first falling in love he was probably very attentive, doing and saying enough to cause you to swoon with delight. But when the fireworks died down, which they inevitably do, what\u2019s left is probably a lot less romance than you would like. To him, going to work to provide a home and financial security for you and the kids (even if you both work) is a daily gift of love. This is the kind of action I\u2019m talking about. Kind of like the hunter who goes out onto the plains and comes back, proud as can be, \u201cHoney, here\u2019s dinner,\u201d as he throws a dead animal at her feet. You can see the problem this creates when what you want is flowers and poetry. When a man marries, the primary issue he needs to wrestle with is whether or not he is ready to take on the responsibility of a wife and family. Once he makes this decision, then that becomes his primary focus. And because he\u2019s doing it for you, in his mind, he\u2019s showing his love in a gigantic way, each and every day.
I say this not to get you to stop wanting the show of affection that you crave but to help you understand that he does love you, and will need a little patience as he incorporatesLPT into his way of interacting with you. He likes to know specifically what he needs to do to make you happy. That\u2019s why he doesn\u2019t like the hints and guessing. For one thing, which is really scary to him, he doesn\u2019t want to get it wrong. He could look bad and/or you could get angry or hurt. That\u2019s one reason he just might like this book, because he\u2019ll have clear directions. He\u2019ll come around if you nudge him along in a loving, patient way. No badgering though because that will only backfire on you.
I need to explain how he receives love, but first let\u2019s talk generalities. Something that most people don\u2019t think about is the fact that people give and receive love in a myriad of ways. Most often, but not always, it has to do with how people learned about love in their families. If the family does a lot of touching, like hugging, sitting on the parent\u2019s laps, kissing, stroking, and hand holding, the children will often be touchers. They will need to be touched to feel loved. That also means that they will offer touch as their way to express their love.
Other families might give gifts. Those children grow up feeling loved when someone gives them something. And, again, when they want to show their truest, deepest love, they will give a gift.
Sometimes it has more to do with what a person longed for but never got. Maybe they saw what their best friend got from their parents and wished they could have that kind of love. No matter where it comes from or how it starts, most everyone has a preferred way of feeling loved and they offer that as their greatest gift. But if the types of love don\u2019t match up, there can be some pretty serious miscommunication. You can see one of the problems that many couples have, can\u2019t you?
If you are someone who feels loved via words, but he feels loved by touching, he\u2019s going to touch and you\u2019re going to want more words. You say to him, \u201cYou never tell me you love me,\u201d and he\u2019s thinking, \u2018I tell you all the time. Didn\u2019t we just have sex last night, don\u2019t I kiss you every night when I get home, every morning when I leave?\u2019 If you aren\u2019t aware of these differences, there is always going to be a conflict. He\u2019s not going to feel as loved when you tell him, and you\u2019re not going to feel as loved when he touches you.
That\u2019s a basic and extremely important difference between people that everyone should be made aware of. Knowing this will allow you to find out from each other how you like to receive love. Then you can be sure to incorporate those kinds of expressions of love into your relationship. I would suspect that most people don\u2019t know how their partner best receives love. Actually, I suspect that most people don\u2019t know how they themselves receive love. It takes some soul-searching to figure that out. But it is one of the most important things a couple can learn about each other. So I would advise that you and your husband have an intimate discussion on this topic and find out what each of your styles of loving is.
The great thing about discovering this is that when he shows his love, sometimes it will be offered in his favorite, natural style. Other times, he\u2019ll remember what your style is and express his love so you receive it at a deeper, more visceral level. The important thing is that you become aware of this so you can better give and receive all types of love.
The reason this wasn\u2019t a problem when you were falling in love and even in the first few years of your relationship is that in that stage, you were both doing a wide variety of things to express your love to each other so all the bases were being covered all the time. It\u2019s when things slowed down that the old habits of childhood expressions of love fell into a routine. And that\u2019s probably about when you started questioning your partner\u2019s love. Isn\u2019t it ironic that this is so seldom talked about?
Now let\u2019s get more specific about how men are taught to experience love. Even though they grew up with a favored style of expressing and receiving love, the social pressures that cause little boys to avoid anything sissy cause most boys to avoid pretty much all
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