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Destructive Intervention

Destructive Intervention

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Published by Ronnie Bray
A Consideration of the Pain Caused by Critical and Hostile Children When a Surviving Step Parent Remarries
A Consideration of the Pain Caused by Critical and Hostile Children When a Surviving Step Parent Remarries

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Published by: Ronnie Bray on Oct 13, 2012
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07/12/2014

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Destructive Intervention
By Ronnie BrayThe history of humanity is liberally sprinkled with stories andlegends of Divine Intervention where a kind God has taken note of a particular human condition and dispensed his favour to ameliorateand bless the recipient.Examples of this include the infant Moses rescued from the watersof the Nile by Pharaoh’s daughter; Elijah raising of a widow's deadson; Elisha’s miracle of continuously replenishing the poor widow's jar of oil; and the raising of the four-days dead Lazarus. Theseexamples of Divine Intervention are grand themes of God’s reachingout of heaven to do things for people that they could not do for themselves, and are among the grand themes that inspire andmotivate the faithful.Equally grand, but less notable, are instances of where a parent’s prayer has kept a sick child alive against all odds; restored love to broken families thought to be beyond repair by human experts; andthe restoration of joy and love to one whose heart has been sunk intothe depths of despair by the tragic loss of a loved one, by the divine provision of a loving person with power to bind up and heal. In eachof these examples, the principle element is either the saving of a lifethat seemed doomed to be snuffed out, or the restoration of vitalityin someone whose life lay in ruins before them. The motive behindthem all is love, which is God’s primary motive in all he does andlongs for for his human children in order that they can fulfil their divine destiny.There is a much less worthy kind of motive at work in cases of Destructive Interference that marks it as the direct polar opposite of that which God seeks to introduce into the lives of his children. Try
 
as we might, we cannot find anything honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report; virtuous, or praiseworthy in it. As God’s motive for Divine Intervention is unparalleled love, so those engaged inDestructive Interference are moved by ungodly and fundamentalhatred. This hatred does not care what it costs as long as it gets itsown way, nor who it hurts, as long as its fundamental aims areaccomplished.Human happiness is fragile, at best. It takes very little to disturb theequilibrium of a balanced life, but practitioners of DestructiveInterference are shielded from, understanding what effect it has onothers, even on the innocent, because they shelter behind a solidwall of selfishness. At worst, it is crass unkindness, and at worst, itis significant pathological evidence of a diseased, unsocialised mind.The most often noted instances of Destructive Intervention are thosearising after the death of a spouse, when the surviving partner findscomfort, perhaps love, in another person in a similar position, andthe children of one or the other objects to the new friendship.Often these occurrences are met with such hostility from childrenthat the friendship is forced to end, leaving two people that havealready suffered from the death of a loved one have little recourseleft to them in order to keep the peace with their unruly andthoughtless children other than to withdraw their friendship,affection, and support from the newly found friend, following whichwithdrawal they are left to descend into another cycle of despair ashope is snatched from them and all that is left to them is an eventthat closely resembles bereavement.It has been suggested that a reason for the children’s DestructiveInterference is the fear of losing inherited property or cash benefits.Others have excused their behaviour by claiming to be loyal to their deceased parent. Yet those that claim the latter are often found tohave themselves remarried after their partner’s death, or else to have
 
divorced and remarried without any regard for their own loyalty totheir previous partners. It is sad to note that in almost every casewhere objections have been raised to surviving parents finding newlove and joy, the objectors do not employ the same level of sensitivity when it comes to their own lives in similar circumstances.Discourteous efforts to adjust to a bereaved parent’s remarriageoften induce or exacerbate what is called Surviving ParentAlienation Syndrome. Underlying dynamics include hostility, fear of losing property or wealth, narcissistic outrage, desire for revenge,children's unskilled attempts to resolve their own conflict, and parent-child boundary violations. In some cases these and similar feelings are aroused because children, of whatever age, have notlearned to regard the feelings of the bereaved parent as either significant or important.The simplest method of learning to cope with irrational feelings atthe potential remarriage of a surviving parent is to put oneself intheir place. This permits a clearer and more reasonableunderstanding of the awful plight in which survivors of a loving andhappy marriage find themselves. Perhaps only those that have stoodin their shoes can fully understand the dreadful emptiness andmisery they experience. No amount of explanation will enableanother to know exactly how it feels.Even their own sorrow at the loss of their parent seems unable to betransferred to their surviving parent, so that no fellow feeling existsfor their grief: only the cold certainty of their own loss, and, perhaps, the impression that their own grief can never be assuaged.Where this is present to a pathological degree, the prevailing notion becomes that the if the parent shows interest in another, then thegrief expressed by that parent at the death of his or her spouse wascounterfeit, and so betrayal extends beyond the dead parent to thechildren. This conclusion, however, is patently false. Yet it has

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