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The Guardian G2 31.08.2012

The Guardian G2 31.08.2012

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The Guardian G2 31.08.2012
The Guardian G2 31.08.2012

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Published by: pardost on Oct 16, 2012
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’Shroom service?
 Harry in Vegas update 
 A close shave with fame 
Pontefract poltergeist
 Film of a family haunting 
Peter Bradshaw
 Berberian Sound System
The Vaccines
 Alexis Petridis’s verdict 
Stevie Wonderon an extraordinarylife in music
The Guardian 31.08.12
Lost in Showbiz
After Harrys Naked Romp, offers for thewayward prince are flooding in. Will he opt forporno stardom or join the Chippendales?
his week, like the ruminantmammal enjoying a bolusof regurgitated food, Lostin Showbiz fears it mustretrace the footsteps taken by Hadley Freeman in this column lastweek and lead you back to Room 2401of Las Vegas’s Wynn Encore resort.You are doubtless familiar with itstwo-storey, 5,829 sq f t, three-master- bedroom interior – the 72in flat-screentelevision, the walls padded withmohair to absorb sound, somethingmysteriously described as “privacycontrols”, which, under thecircumstances, they might want tosend someone from maintenance up tohave a look at – but news of what tookplace in its opulent surroundingsduring Prince Harry’s recent NakedRomp just keeps on coming.First, let us examine the report –from our old friend An AnonymousSource on showbiz website RadarOnline – that the spirit of the lateHunter S Thompson was unexpectedlyabroad once more in Sin City thatfateful evening. Apparently, amongthe prince’s new-found Americanfriends were some people on drugs.Thus far, the papers seem to haveconcentrated on the angle that “somewere doing cocaine”.Lost in Showbiz, however, is farmore intrigued by the suggestion thatothers had ingested psilocybin, or, asAA Source put it, were “rolling on’shrooms”. Lost in Showbiz wonders if it was one of them who was operatingthe cameraphone that US media claimwas filming His Naked Romp, and if thereason footage has yet to surface is thatit consists entirely of another ’shroom-user delightedly making the suite’stouch-screen-operated curtains openand close for 45 minutes.It also likes the idea that somemembers of the party may havespent the Naked Romp trying tocommandeer the stereo in order toturn off Essential R&B 2012 and puton Ozric Tentacles’ Fetch Me thePongmaster, suggesting they all stopplaying strip billiards and watch TheWizard of Oz with the sound turned
SharonOsbourneinformedTV viewersthat Harrypossesseda rare wit
Harry’s dream job? Fronting theChippendales …trousers optional
 By Alexis Petridis
scream they let out whenever theyhear Ozric Tentacles’ Fetch Me thePongmaster – it can only salute theirsheer mental fortitude. Here, surely,are what Allen Ginsberg would havecalled the best minds of our generation:people with brains of purest titanium,capable of withstanding the worst theworld can throw at them.But let us move from the event itself to the aftermath. Lost in Showbiz isdelighted to note that for every voicecarping about royal duty, there aremany who not merely support theNaked Romp, but feel it is the keythat unlocks a glittering future forthe wayward prince: when lifehands you lemons, you go to the fullystocked wet bar in your two-storey,5,829 sq f t, three-bedroom suite andmake lemonade.It applauds the optimism of LasVegas’s self-styled “Diamonds inthe Buff”, the Chippendales, whodown and Dark Side of the Moonplaying, or – as was the case with asimilarly fuelled acquaintance of Lostin Showbiz during a stag weekend inAmsterdam – continually interruptedproceedings by alternately bellowing“I’M CLINGING ON TO SANITY BYMY FINGERNAILS” and howling likea wolf.Furthermore, Lost in Showbiz isimpressed to the point of awe by thenotion that there were people present,tripping on powerful psychedelics, atthe exact moment the third in line tothe British throne decided to show hispenis to everybody. It can’t think of circumstances more likely to delivera catastrophic blow to a psycheundergoing an intense hallucinogenicexperience. If they are not currently being attended to in a psychiatric unitas a result – their faces locked into ahorrified grimace, their voices mutesave for the terrible, bloodcurdling
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31.08.12 The Guardian
A lone voice of sanity in a world of madness, Lost in Showbiz professesitself disappointed with Britain thissummer. What a let-down this countryhas proved: capriciously disregardingthe activities of the nation’s celebritiesin order to gawp like mindless idiots atOlympians and Paralympians just because they are performing almostsuperhuman feats of skill, enduranceand bravery. Are the British really thatflighty? Is that all it takes to distractattention from the latest importantupdates about Alex “The Reidinator”Reid’s engagement to former CelebrityBig Brother star Chantelle Houghton? Itis apparently “strained” thanks to herinability to come to terms with hiscross-dressing alter ego “Roxanne”, yetthe country seems more interested inwatching Oscar Pistorius, a man who,as far as LiS can tell, doesn’t have anycross-dressing alter ego to speak of .Do we really believe theseOlympians are superior to, say,fiance of Kym Marsh and formerHollyoaks star Jamie Lomas,who spent his stag night hand-cuffed to a dwarf dressed as Mr T?Let’s see how many gold medals JessicaEnnis wins while handcuffed to adwarf dressed as Mr T before we starttalking about where the real talent lies.And does no one have any interest inOK! magazine’s brilliant scoop aboutKerry Katona’s relationship with JonnyLaidler? KERRY AND JONNY TALKWEDDINGS AND BABIES screams theheadline, which turns out to refer totwo sentences in her column reading:“We’re totally just friends – I bet theheadlines will be that I’m gettingmarried or I want a baby, you knowwhat people are like.” This, my friends,is the real gold: are we so stupefied by
Shame! We’ve letOlympic glory eclipseour neglected celebs
Bi Brotis appareinabilitycross-drthe counwatcinas far ascross-Oly fiaHwhcuffeLet’s seeEnnis widwarf drtalking aAnd doeOK! magKerry KaLaider?WEDDINeadlinetwo sent“We’re teadlinemarriedwhat peis the rea
Kerry Katona: nogold medal forher disclosures
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Participate in theseimportant debates
the interminable parade of remarkablehuman achievement on our screensthat we’ve forgotten what quality journalism is?Priorities, people! The ratings for thenew series of The X Factor are the lowestin the show’s six-year history, allowingBradley Wiggins to crow “the Olympics,everywhere you went the country wason a high … then you see The X Factorand it’s like: ‘Oh God, everybody hasgot to put up with that all winter now’.”A few weeks ago, even this columnturned quisling in the hands of PeterRobinson, spouting some guff about howathletes represented “a whole newcelebrity stratum”. LiS can only apolo-gise and assure you that normal serviceis resumed: it is meaningless storiesabout bizarre hollow orange carapaces, baffl ingly elevated to stardom for nodiscernible reason, from here on in.Thank God the fightback finallyseems to have begun in earnest. Thescripted reality show stars and formerX Factor finalists are massing, the spiritof D-day in their hearts, a rousingchorus of We Shall Not Be Moved ontheir lips, their spirits bolstered by thefront cover of yesterday’s Sun, whichrightly chose to ignore the Paralympicsopening ceremony in favour of the realheadline news that Cheryl Cole hadsustained a nosebleed in Los Angeles.And what resources this hastilyformed army has at its disposal! LiS can barely type, so thrilled is it to disclosewhat’s coming up. A new televisionseries in which Jedward not only“show funny YouTube clips fromaround the world” but also, theyproudly announce, wear “clothes thatno one has seen us wear before”! MyFair Kerry, a “scripted comedy realityshow” featuring “crazy antics” asDavid Gest attempts to teach theformer Atomic Kitten star etiquette!The scintillating rumour that formerThe Only Way is Essex star LaurenGoodger is to star in the next seriesof Dancing on Ice! LiS gazes awestruckat this array of glittering jewels: whatprice the trivial diversions of theOlympic Park now?have apparently invited PrinceHarry to join them onstage in theircustom-designed theatre complexwith adjacent boutique “hosting avariety of items that appeal to women”(neon vibrating crotchless panties,$19.95). Its applause turns to a veritablestanding ovation when it thinks of Steven Hirsch, founder and co-chairmanof a company called Vivid Entertain-ment, who swiftly dispatched a letterto Clarence House, offering Harry notmerely $10m, but “the opportunity totruly become the coolest prince of alltime, by starring in a fun, sexy, big- budget adult film called The Troublewith Harry”.“We assure you the sex will be well-scripted,” he added, as if Harry mightexpect anything other than auteurfilm-making and high quality mise-en-scene from the company behind BigTit Jack Off, The Anal Intern and theeducational Penny Flame’s ExpertGuide to Hand Jobs. There are voiceswho will doubtless suggest that anysituation that commences with youtaking all your clothes off in a room fullof people on drugs and ends with anoffer to make a celebrity porno must, by default, involve some loss of dignity. Lost in Showbiz prefers toview said situation as an unexpectedplatform on which the protagonist’smanifold qualities can come to light.For proof, let us finally turn to SharonOsbourne, who used a discussion onAmerican television to inform viewersthat Harry was in possession of a rarewit, which she encountered duringa visit to Buckingham Palace: “I saidto him, would you watch my bagwhile I go to the loo. And he said: ‘Fuckoff.’ How fabulous. What a fabulousanswer in jest.”What a week: hallucinogenicdrugs, porn, neon vibrating crotchlesspanties, the kind of repartee unheardsince The Vicious Circle drifted apart.Exhausted, but wide-eyed withwonder, Lost in Showbiz plaintivelyasks: where will it all end? Who amongus can dare to predict where the NakedRomp will lead us next?

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