Scavengers in the Mother of Chaos

A Descent into Meta-theater By Jaime Zamora Cruz

2009 Jaime Cruz jaime@jaimecruz.net www.jaimecruz.net

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Scavengers in the Mother of Chaos

CAST SEAN NEIL STINKY/MR. BLAKE TOMMY JENNY LUKE KELLY OFFICER JOHN LAW KATE ELLINGTON *The principal roles are the first four. The supporting roles have been double cast as noted in the script. TIME AND PLACE A liquor store in the Rockies. In the afternoon. Feels like a Sunday. It would be best if drinking takes place throughout.

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Scavengers in the Mother of Chaos

AT RISE: A liquor store. There is a checkout counter with a cash register. Adjacent is an exit to the office. Mumbling offstage: A homeless man named Stinky sneaks in. He looks like a walking dumpster. He takes a moment to adjust his wig. It itches. He keeps quiet and looks all about. Hes not supposed to be there. He picks up a forty of cheap beer. Conceals it. Neil and Sean enter with liquor boxes. Stinky hides behind a display, he loses his wig. Throughout the monologue, Stinky tries to get his wig without being seen. SEAN This wine tasting is bullshit. You think theyre fooling anyone with this travesty? Its all bullshit. And everyone will see it tomorrow: Mr. Blake loves the idea of giving his liquor store class, but he does not know two shits about class. A wine tasting in this town is only bound to draw the regulars, the scragglers, the assholes, the scavengers I guess its easier to pretend to be, than to actually be? Isnt that right? Did you see her? NEIL

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2 SEAN Yeah. I did. What about her? NEIL I dont know what it is man, but I just love checking out a good-looking older woman. No response. Stinky crawls out the door victoriously. NEIL (CONTD) I cant help it. That woman Picks up receipt with her name. NEIL (CONTD) Kate Ellington. Bought a bottle of Francis Coppola merlot, some cheap chardonnay and a pack of smokes, probably for her intellectual husband. Chardonnay for her, merlot for him. She was just flat-out attractive. I found myself wanting to ask for her phone number. She still in the parking lot? SEAN I wanted to buy a bottle of that. I wonder if his wine is as good as The Godfather. Yeah but did you see her? Yeah, I saw her. What did you think? SEAN I dunno. I dont like old chicks. NEIL Youre obviously confusing her with someone else: Shes not a grandma. Shes not indignantly crawling into her coffin. SEAN Thats disgusting. NEIL What? I attract older women. Sometimes Q-tips. Maybe its my slick hair, maybe my smiling face when I greet them or tell them to have a good day, I dont know. But at least once a day an experienced gal has to come up to me with her liquor and tell me Im rather handsome. NEIL SEAN NEIL

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3 SEAN You want to ask for an old womans phone number. NEIL We are not talking about the same age bracket! That woman looked sixty. NEIL Kate Ellington is probably in her early to mid forties. Shes got those perfectly aged features, and a body carefully sculpted with time. And here you are comparing her to the fucking Queen of England. SEAN So you have the hots for an older woman. You said the same thing yesterday. And the day before that. NEIL She gave me like a heart flutter. SEAN Do you think Martin Scorsese will ever make his own brand of wine? Like, Raging Moscato? Its freaking me out. SEAN Did you see Dan Aykroyds new vodka? NEIL No. All I know I have to make a damn display for it. SEAN The bottle is shaped like a skull. NEIL Sounds epic. Ill have to buy one. SEAN You got sixty bucks to spare? Sixty? SEAN Youre paying for the package. You think the vodkas any good? Thats a days pay. NEIL NEIL NEIL SEAN

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4 SEAN More like two. An odorous, homeless old man weve seen before walks up to the check-out counter and sets a beer can to buy. How you doing today? Stinky doesnt say much. Mumbles maybe. Two thirty five. Stinky sets change on the counter. Have a good one. Want a bag. Oh a bag? Sure. Neil puts the beer in a bag. Stinky takes it and exits. That guy sucks. NEIL If he does, he hasnt swallowed in a while. Too far. NEIL How about: He smells like he shat himself? SEAN Give it a half hour and hell come back to remind you what he smells like. His money smells too. NEIL SEAN SEAN NEIL STINKY NEIL (CONTD) NEIL (CONTD) NEIL

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5 SEAN Like a bowel movement. Thats exactly it! SEAN Just put the cash away. I can smell it all the way over here. NEIL Why does he do that? Cant he come in once and buy a twelve pack and be set for the day? Itd be cheaper. SEAN Did you ever get one of his checks? He has a checking account? SEAN So get this, just to give you a taste of what that musty piece of shit and his friends are capable of: A while back this old woman let them live in her house out of her elderly kindness. And I kid you not, the day after she let them in their house, was the day they stole her checkbook and came to buy booze with it. Youre kidding. SEAN Ask Luke. She saw Stinky and company load up three shopping carts worth of liquor. Jesus. I know right? NEIL I hadnt seen this Kate Ellington around these parts before. Maybe she usually goes to the Wagon Wheel. SEAN Come on, lets get this crystal skull display over and done with. Vodkas in the office. Out of his pocket, Sean reveals a small jewelry box and sets it on the counter. SEAN NEIL NEIL NEIL NEIL

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6 NEIL Whats that? SEAN Nothing man, just shit in my pockets. Oh yeah? SEAN Gets in the way when we move boxes. Whats it to you? Neil picks up the box and opens it. NEIL Whatare you wearing earrings now? Little dolphin ones? A beat of realization: You hooked up with Kelly. SEAN You love your conclusions, dont you? NEIL Aha! So thats who you run to in the middle of the night. SEAN Yes, but maybe we dont see each other, like you think. NEIL Youve been courting Kelly since she started working here. And you want me to believe that you wouldnt fuck her if opportunity came knocking? Neil, not cool. Were you safe? What if we didnt? But you did. We did. SEAN NEIL SEAN NEIL SEAN NEIL (CONTD) NEIL

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7 NEIL Good luck man. Dont start with this. NEIL Weve gone over it and now that penetration has occurred, I need to remind you of your safety. SEAN You dont give two shits about my safety. NEIL Its a friend thing to do. I know youll give me the same schpeal when Kate Ellington and I develop a relationship. SEAN You are not going to hook up! NEIL You should go to the doctor. SEAN What the fuck are you talking about? NEIL Im talking about the likely probability that she has a sexually transmitted disease. SEAN Kellys a good person you ass NEIL But at one point she could have been bad. Very bad. You dont know her. Shes got a past. What have you heard? Neil claps rhythmically. The clap. Not joking. NEIL SEAN (CONTD) SEAN NEIL SEAN SEAN

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8 SEAN She has the clap? NEIL See, thats the cool thing about older women: They dont fuck around like us young people. Theyre smart about it, theyre really selective of the guys they go to bed with. The clap?! Tommy enters with a heavy coat on. TOMMY Theres twelve cases of beer missing. NEIL You might want to give him a minute. Hows the cooler coming? TOMMY I just finished stocking the domestics. But I dont think we have enough Bud Light. We never do. SEAN (TO NEIL) Maybe I should check it out. Just in case. Yeah. You should. TOMMY I know were out of Bud light for sure but I cant find some other stuff, like the Keystone and the Miller lite. Maybe I can check online. Dont worry about it. SEAN (TO NEIL) But its gonna make my pecker fall off! Theyll show up. You think? TOMMY NEIL (TO TOMMY) NEIL (TO TOMMY) SEAN (TO NEIL) NEIL (TO TOMMY) NEIL SEAN

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9 SEAN (TO NEIL) Whats gonna show up? NEIL (TO TOMMY) I promise you from the bottom of my heart, after all is said and done: the goods will be intact. Sean scrams to the office to investigate his dick. Is he alright? NEIL Hes just looking after his dick. How are you? TOMMY Im doing. Does anyone else do the cooler during a shift? NEIL No, you get to play cooler bitch this entire shift! Im just cold. NEIL You gonna cry? Dont cry. We all gotta handle the hand weve been dealt. Im cool. NEIL Let me cut you a break: You can work on the bulk aisle for a while. Its a mess. Tommy nods and Neil plays with the earrings. A pause. Can I ask you a question? These earrings arent mine. That wasnt my question. NEIL I have a question for you: Do you know a Kate Ellington? TOMMY I dont think so. Do you sleep here at night? TOMMY NEIL TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY

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10 NEIL No. TOMMY I just. I got here early this morning and, I saw you back here, folding some blankets and stuff. NEIL Scratch the break: Go back to the cooler. And when you finish, start facing the rest of the bulk aisle. TOMMY Did you need help with the vodka display? NEIL Well take care of the vodka. So you dont sleep here? NEIL Its none of your fucking business where I sleep. Tommy returns to the task. NEIL (CONTD) Hey Sean! While youre in there, could you check the schedule to see whos coming in at seven? Busy! NEIL Look to your left. Schedules on the wall to your left. You hear me? SEAN (OS) Im on WebMD, but this computers taking forever with the damn antivirus software. NEIL Computers gotta be safe too. You dont know what disease itll find on the internet. Neil looks out the window. SEAN (OS) Its just you and me tonight. Luke said we could call him if we need help. NEIL Aw shit, back already. Hey Tommy, they teach you to use the register? SEAN (OS) TOMMY

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11 TOMMY No, not yet. NEIL Come on, quick. Ill teach you. Do I need my password? NEIL No fuck that. Just use mine. But didnt Luke say NEIL See that crusty looking piece of shit walking over the hill? Yeah? NEIL Hes going to come in, and buy a cheap and refreshing Side Pocket. Cheapest forty we got. All you have to do is push this button here, and take his rancid-ass change, got it? TOMMY I dont know if I can do this NEIL Youll be fine. Just call Sean and hell come help you. I gotta take a leak or something Neil exits to the back just as Stinky appears. He takes a beer from the display and approaches a nervous Tommy. How are you sir? No response. Tommy pushes the button. One fifty one please. Stinky sets change on the counter. Stinky mutters: A bag. STINKY TOMMY (CONTD) TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY

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12 TOMMY Excuse me? A bag. TOMMY Okay, let me get you your receipt sir Want a bag! TOMMY Sean. Sean, some help please? Sean enters and puts the damn beer in a bag as he talks: SEAN I dont have any discoloration, so I think Ill be cool tonight. There you go man, enjoy. Stinky takes the bag. Sees the earrings. SEAN (CONTD) I should have known Lil Tommy. Should have known better. Dont get involved with a co-worker. You dont know where shes been outside of work. Stinky chuckles at the earrings. Whats funny? STINKY Good device. Thats a good device brother. Visual. SEAN Im sorry, your ramblings are really getting out of hand. What was that? Pause. STINKY No babble. No rambling brother. Just appropriate exposition. Stinky flees out the door. Sean puts his earrings in his pocket. TOMMY I should have been supervised man. SEAN (CONTD) STINKY STINKY

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13 SEAN Wheres Neil? Taking a leak or something. SEAN Nothing to worry about. Its just a job. TOMMY I better just keep to the cooler, okay? SEAN You do that. Stay in the back, its safer back there when the drunks invade. You want a drink? Tommy exits. Neil returns, with a beer. That was cold dude. What? SEAN Leaving the newbie to face Old Dirty Bastard on his own. NEIL Gotta learn sometime. Hows your dick? Looks okay. NEIL If you fucked last night, its gonna be a couple of days before the plague hits. Neil reads through a customer binder. You dick. Just forewarning your dick. What are you doing? NEIL Just checking if Kate Ellington has an account. SEAN NEIL SEAN SEAN NEIL SEAN (CONTD) TOMMY

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14 SEAN Youre trying to turn me against Kelly and its starting to piss me off. Im doing the friend thing SEAN What comes out of your mouth hardly constitutes friendly. Youd do the same for me. SEAN Wait a minute: Are you stalking this woman? Im being resourceful. Pause. Thats messed up. NEIL Im sorry I cant help it! I am drawn to her, get off my sack! Pause. Neil picks up the phone. Dont call her. NEIL Im not. We need to call that kid about the cases of PBR. SEAN Did you tell him about the fee? NEIL He knows what hes getting into. SEAN We should be more incognito next time. NEIL Sean: The clap making you paranoid? Fuck you. SEAN SEAN SEAN NEIL NEIL NEIL

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15 NEIL Hold your profanity: I understand you fear for your safety. I fear for mine too. But theres a strong demand from underage drinkers in this town and I plan to maintain the supply. Were little cogs in the machine, you know? And we have to fulfill our duties to the underage drinking community. SEAN Dude, some of these kids we dont know anything about. They could be spies or something. What? SEAN You know. Like mystery shoppers. Whats a mystery shopper? SEAN Like people pretending to be underage and having guys like us buy their liquor to set us up and get us arrested! Do you want the revered Officer John Law to catch us with our pants down again? Figuratively speaking. NEIL First of all, he had no proof I pissed on that building and most importantly, he could not trace the booze back to us SEAN But he will next time. He knows us now. NEIL Its a treacherous world we roam, but I dont have the luxury to pick and choose my opportunities. I take what I can get. I know. NEIL Answer me this: what can a man do earning a part time salary of seven bucks an hour at this shit hole? In the eye of the storm that is the recession? SEAN Forget it. How much are we getting? One fifty. SEAN One hundred and fifty dollars. And we give them three cases. NEIL SEAN NEIL NEIL

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16 NEIL Dont forget this time: Update the count from the inventory. Gotcha. NEIL People are getting suspicious. God forbid they find us squeezing a few dollars out of Mr. Blakes millions. SEAN Dont get me started on Larry Blake. NEIL I know what you need. Liquid courage? Neil, from under the counter, reveals a bottle of tequila and shot glasses. They take a shot. NEIL Just eases the burden doesnt it? SEAN Youre the worst shift supervisor on the planet. NEIL Oh come on, you think its easy being the guy in charge? All eyes are on me! Sean exits and Neil makes the phone call. NEIL (CONTD) Yeah, is this the minor with a drinking problem? Hey man, this is Eddie from the liquor store. Listen, just checking up on what you guys were asking for, Seans gonna drop it off sometime soon. Where do you want to meet? A public place? Can I say something? This isnt a goddamn drug deal, no ones gonna get shot. Im just the enabler looking to make some cash. How about that dark and seedy alley behind the movie theater? Im joking, its not seedy, its far from it. Alright, Sean will be there in a bit. Neil hangs up. Then he searches for Kates info in the customer binder. Tommy returns. TOMMY Heard youre stalking an old chick. SEAN

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17 NEIL That was mighty quick. You done back-stocking? TOMMY Do we take phone orders too? Im doing a friend a favor. Im done stocking. Youre shitting me. No. Can I go home now? NEIL Well, we still need to vacuum the wine room for tomorrow. You want to stick around for a while, get some more hours? Ill see you later. You sure? Tommy exits. Neil opens the binder once more, finds Kates info and picks up the phone. Dials. Hello? Hi this is Tommy returns. Neil hangs up. WHAT? What do you want? Forgot my check. NEIL Impeccable timing, you prick. I just need my check. TOMMY TOMMY NEIL (CONTD) NEIL (CONTD) NEIL TOMMY TOMMY NEIL TOMMY NEIL

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18 NEIL You kids and your sense of entitlement. Have you worked long enough to get a check? Ive been here a week. NEIL A week and already you cant stand the place. Youre fitting right in Neil exits to the office. NEIL (OS) You know youre lucky. You came in after they raised minimum wage. That was a while ago. NEIL (OS) Whats your last name again? Anderson. Neil returns with the check. NEIL Tom Anderson. Like the myspace guy? TOMMY No, like myself. Here you go. Thanks. Later. NEIL Hey Tommy? This is kind of off the record but, do you know of any kids, underage kids TOMMY You need more minors to sell alcohol to? NEIL You little fucker, you read my mind. TOMMY Youre not exactly discreet. Its a character flaw. TOMMY NEIL TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY

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19 NEIL A what? Beat. TOMMY Nothing. Im just talking crazy Stinky enters, wanders a little. Comes up to Neil. You got a shitter? No Im afraid we dont. I gotta shit brother. I cant let you do that. Brother please. Listen. Sir. You let me in last time. NEIL Sir. Last time you used that restroom you smeared shit all over the wall. Do you know who cleans the restrooms? Points to Tommy. NEIL (CONTD) This guy. Do you think he deserves to wipe your excrement off the walls and ceiling? I dont deserve that. STINKY I really gotta shit brother. NEIL Sir. Stinky. Are you listening to me at all? Im sorry brother. STINKY TOMMY STINKY NEIL STINKY NEIL STINKY NEIL STINKY

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20 NEIL No, sorry doesnt cut it. Youre a fucking grown man. My superiors have authorized me to remove you from the premises if you pull a stunt like that again. STINKY I promise to shit the right way brother. NEIL Im not asking for a pinky promise. I really gotta. NEIL Im being kind. You understand? Yeah brother, I got ya. NEIL If you shit anywhere outside the bowl so help me I will make you clean it up with your mouth. Got it?! Aha. NEIL Do you, Stinky, swear you will not abuse or misuse the restroom? Pause. Stinky raises his hand as if taking office. I do swear. NEIL This is me cutting you a break, funkmaster. Wheres the shitter? NEIL In the back. Where you always go. Stinky runs to the back. SEAN (OS) No hell no! Get him the hell out of here! Have fun with that. TOMMY STINKY STINKY STINKY STINKY STINKY

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21 NEIL Wait Tommy dont go. Its okay Sean! Hes cool. Sean enters with the beer cases. SEAN Are you drunk? We cant have him here! I made him promise. SEAN Im not cleaning that shit up. NEIL Eyes on the prize man. Will you drop it off? Where to? NEIL Back alley of the movie theater. Remember: be stealthy. SEAN Im starting to wonder if youll ever deliver one of these yourself. Ill get the next one. Sean exits. So you got any peeps? TOMMY Yeah, theres a few off the top of my head I can muster. Whats your number? 307. 500. 2324. Tommy puts it in his cell phone. TOMMY Ill give them your number then. Tell them my names Eddie. Eddie? TOMMY NEIL NEIL NEIL (CONTD)0 NEIL SEAN NEIL

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22 NEIL For secrecy. Thats my incognito name. Sweet. Later. NEIL You sure you dont want to stay? Ive been here since ten. Tommys on his way out NEIL Somebodys gotta vacuum. I say its you. TOMMY Im done, have someone else do it. NEIL You were on the floor today, and vacuuming the wine room was your responsibility. You gotta vacuum man. TOMMY Youre messing with me right? NEIL You didnt even clock out did you? TOMMY Why do you want me here? Im just gonna be in the goddamn background while you two soak up all the action! NEIL You think being a cashier is more exciting than stocking and vacuuming? TOMMY You get to pursue something! Id rather waste my time offstage and jerk it. NEIL Tommy. Dont get all mad, I was just trying to be a pal, get you some hours. Youre an awful lead. NEIL I try to lead the best I can as shift supervisor. TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY

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23 TOMMY And youre an asshole too. NEIL This asshole is your superior, so you better keep it down. And just FYI, the asshole part comes with the job. It suits you. NEIL Release all your menstrual anger as you vacuum. Go. And put the vacuum back where its supposed to be. It has a home. Tommy exits to the back, shoots Neil the death glare. Neil picks up the phone and dials. A pause. NEIL (CONTD) Hello, is this the Ellington residence? Hi, my names Neil from Snowy Range Liquors, is this Kate? Hey! I actually helped you just a short while ago, if you recall Well the reason Im calling is were having a wine tasting tomorrow afternoon from five to eight and we just wanted to call a few of our preferred customers personally and offer a friendly reminder Then a forced laugh. Tommy returns with disgust all over his face. TOMMY Its starting to smell real bad back there. Neil covers the phone NEIL Im gonna make him clean it with his mouth, its okay. Then back to Kate NEIL Yeah, itll be a fun time, so we hope to see you here Okay alright then. Have a good one. Kate. Hangs up. Still unfulfilled. TOMMY

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24 TOMMY I dont want to vomit. NEIL Dont be a pussy, Thomas. The sooner you get it done the sooner youll be out of here. Tommy exits. Neil, from under the counter, takes out the tequila and takes another shot. Sean returns. That was fast. SEAN Dude, it was just a French scene. What was that? What did I say? Whats a French scene? Fuck if I know. Why would you say that? SEAN I dont know. I say random shit all the time. Is Tommy still here? NEIL I told him to vacuum. Could you do me a favor and get me a fifth of the Raspberry vodka? SEAN We already have the tequila shots going. Dont add to the mix. Its not for me. For who? SEAN NEIL NEIL SEAN NEIL SEAN NEIL NEIL (CONTD)

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25 NEIL Vodka, what the fifth am I thinking? It should be something classier What are you thinking? NEIL No lets do wine, like a red Zin or a Sauvignon Blanc or some shit. Shes better than vodka SEAN Are you still going on about this old chick? NEIL I found all her information in the preferred members list! I was such an idiot! SEAN Youre still being an idiot. Shes nothing to rave home about NEIL Oh to Hell with you, youre still hung up on the q-tip hairdos and stereotypes! Im talking about a real, sophisticated woman. She drinks wine for fucks sake! That makes her a wino. NEIL Do you know where Kearney Street is? SEAN Its by the park with the swimming pool. NEIL But wines bullshit. I need to take something appealing to the eye. You know wines, help me pick one. SEAN You dont need to get her anything. Shes married and probably doesnt give two shits about you NEIL The crystal skull! Thats it! My first move: Im gonna give her the crystal skull as a gift, for being a great customer. On behalf of the store! SEAN You got sixty bucks to spare? NEIL I need a crystal skull. Its out of the ordinary! Its exotic! SEAN SEAN

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26 SEAN We still have to account for three cases of PBR plus the four of Fat Tire, three of Miller Lite and two of Keystone! NEIL Keystone, we didnt sell any Keystone! I drank the Keystone. You drink that horse piss? SEAN Focus! They only have two cases of crystal skull in the store, and they are safely accounted for in the office. If you take one, they will notice. They challenge each other in a brutal stare. A pause. They race to the office and from offstage, vicious sounds of a fight ensue over an empty stage as we hear the office being destroyed over the skull. And Tommy vacuums offstage, in the back. Let it go Sean! SEAN (OS) You fucking let it go, I dont want to get fired! Maybe I want to get fired! SEAN (OS) You want to be homeless! Where are we gonna live? I found a home! Dont give me that shit! NEIL (OS) Im fucking giving it to you, I found Kate! SEAN (OS) NEIL (OS) NEIL (OS) NEIL (OS) NEIL SEAN

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27 THE SOUND OF GLASS SHATTERING. Tommy stops vacuuming. Then a pause. Did you see that? What? SEAN (OS) Did you see that, that flash? No. What the fuck was that? NEIL (OS) I hope you have sixty bucks to spare, cause I sure dont. SEAN (OS) Youre telling me you didnt see that?! Tommy enters from the back, dry heaving. NEIL (OS) Now what am I going to get her? What just happened? TOMMY This storys bullshit. Im out. Tommy exits, forgets to clock out again. NEIL (OS) You broke the crystal skull. Thats Dan Akroyds vodka. He makes it. And you broke it you dumbfuck! SEAN (OS) I saw this light Neil, when the glass shattered. It was weird. NEIL (OS) Sean, you just put me in a predicament. SEAN (OS) SEAN (OS) NEIL (OS) NEIL (OS) SEAN (OS)

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28 SEAN (OS) Fuck your predicament, I saw something! NEIL (OS) Tommy? You want to get a broom in here? Neil enters the stage. Sean follows. SEAN Do you think its a side effect of the clap? Seeing things? NEIL Yes, blurry vision, freak outs and stuffTommy? Stinky enters from the back. NEIL Why do you look like youre going to piss me off? The shitter What about the shitter? Dont flush brother. What? STINKY Dont flush. It dont flush. NEIL Well you better make it flush cause if your droppings smell half as bad as you do, were going to need febreeze. Or hazmat suits. STINKY It dont flush. You said that. STINKY Its a complication brother. NEIL SEAN NEIL STINKY NEIL STINKY

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29 Neil and Sean approach the entrance to the back. They leap at the stench. Oh my God! NEIL What did you pass, a dead body? They gag a little. Im calling Luke. Dont. Hell get pissed. NEIL Its his managerial duty to get pissed and Im not going in there! SEAN Stinkys been barred from the premises. Hes not even supposed to be here. This is serious shit. Shit smell. SEAN And may I remind you, while you were dreaming of Methuselahs counterpart, we were to get the store ready for a wine tasting tomorrow! Her name is Kate Ellington. Thank you brother No you sit down. Stinky sits down. Neil picks up the phone and dials. Beat. NEIL STINKY NEIL STINKY NEIL SEAN NEIL SEAN

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30 SEAN I read on the back of the crystal skull box, that the skulls have supernatural powers. Maybe this is karma. NEIL If thats the case, this abomination to the nostrils is a punishment for not having a worthy gift for Kate! SEAN Well if you hadnt broken the crystal skull and you hadnt let that musty piece of shit use the shitter and if we hadnt sold those cases of beer to the middle schoolers, maybe karma would be on our side! They were middle schoolers? Yeah. NEIL Huh. They sure start young these days. Luke answers NEIL (CONTD) Hey Luke, Lucas! How are you? Yeah, were working on that, but itll be ready for tomorrows shindig The reason Im calling, we, had a problem with the shitter and, we were wondering if you could take a look at it Well, youre not a plumber but you know your shit, I just It smells like throwup after a Chinese buffet, its not good man. Could you help me out? Luke enters, played by the same actor who plays Tommy. This better be good. Tommy? LUKE (TOMMY) Whats wrong with the shitter? Neil, Sean and Stinky look at each other. NEIL I thought you didnt want the hours Tommy. NEIL LUKE (TOMMY) SEAN NEIL

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31 LUKE (TOMMY) Is Tommy still around? Hes only part time, whats he doing here still? Are you okay Tommy? LUKE (TOMMY) Why are you calling me Tommy? Im Luke. Youre Tommy. Tom Anderson. The newbie? LUKE (TOMMY) Whats this? Whats the joke? Beat. NEIL Why dont you go home Tommy? Lay off the drugs. LUKE (TOMMY) You guys and your weird games. Luke approaches the back, smells Good Lord! Who did that? Luke notices Stinky. LUKE (TOMMY) It was you wasnt it? How many times have I told you not to shit in my store! He said it was okay. Points to Neil. NEIL I was being a good Samaritan, Tommy. LUKE (TOMMY) Stop calling me Tommy! You, swamp thing: Get out of here. Stinky exits. Then to Neil: STINKY LUKE (TOMMY) NEIL SEAN SEAN

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32 LUKE (TOMMY) And you, Neil. Come help me. Luke exits to the back. So Youre Luke? LUKE (TOMMY) (OS) Yes, Im Luke. Your manager. Im a supporting character furthering the story along. Im double cast. Im sorry. What about cast? SEAN Did you just say youre double cast? LUKE (TOMMY) (OS) No, I said I got X-box time with my kids and this better not last. Now get in here, Neil. Sean and Neil stare at each other. Sean pushes a frightened Neil to exit after Luke. SEAN So, how are the wife and kids, Luke? LUKE (TOMMY) (OS) Theyre alright. Jenny lost her job at the Loaf and Jug yesterday. Whod have thought a gas station would have to lay people off? Sorry to hear that man. LUKE (TOMMY) (OS) No worries bud. Im still here. Long as my ass doesnt get fired we should be okay. Neil, get me the plunger. SEAN Yeah, Im sure shell bounce back. Didnt she go to school for something useful like, nursing or something Botany. SEAN Yeah man. You can get all sorts of jobs with that. LUKE (TOMMY) (OS) SEAN NEIL SEAN

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33 LUKE (TOMMY) (OS) Cut the small talk Sean. You should start rearranging the imports in the wine room. Unless you plan to be here all night. SEAN For sure. Let me get going on that. Neil, could I talk to you for a second? Yeah absolutely Neil returns with a grin NEIL (CONTD) What the fuck is wrong with him? He thinks hes Luke! He is Luke. Was someone vacuuming? NEIL Is this a prank? Cause that man is not Luke, I know Lucas and that is Tommy. LUKE (TOMMY) (OS) Stinky used too much toilet paper, thats what it is Lets go along with it LUKE (TOMMY) (OS) Just have to shut off the main water line NEIL No, lets call the hospital and tell them Tommys got some issues. LUKE (TOMMY) (OS) Neil, get this vacuum out of the way. Its starting to flood back here. SEAN Just keep him busy while I fix up the office Ill do that. LUKE (TOMMY) (OS) Neil, get your ass over here and move that vacuum! NEIL SEAN LUKE (TOMMY) (OS) SEAN NEIL (OS)

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34 SEAN Go! Neil! THE SOUND OF ELECTROCUTION, THEN BLACKOUT. The following action is in darkness. A Panic. Ah God! Shit! Luke?! What the fuck happened Luke! You okay? NEIL The powers out. Should we go back there? SEAN I dont know. We need flashlights. NEIL Luke?! I dont want to go back there, man. Flashlights in the office? I dont fucking know! SEAN Stop your crying and go look! Hurried footsteps. NEIL Sean, were gonna die. I have a gut feeling about this. SEAN Just get the fucking flashlights! Silence. NEIL SEAN SEAN NEIL SEAN NEIL LUKE (TOMMY) (OS)

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35 NEIL I cant see anything. Man the fuck up. Footsteps continue and the sound of him going into the office. Luke? Luke NEIL I got one! No wait, thats not right. OW! What is it? Found the thumbtacks! SEAN Luke? Tommy? I dont want to go in there without some light Neil. Back me up dude. Got it! Hurried footsteps return, a flashlight clumsily leads the path to Sean. Alright, give it. Neil hands the flashlight over and all is dark as Sean leads into the back exit and Neil follows. Tommy? Luke? Whatever your name is? They spot him. NEIL (OS) SEAN (OS) NEIL (OS) SEAN NEIL NEIL SEAN SEAN (CONTD) SEAN

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36 SEAN (OS) Oh fuck me! Jesus hes down. What happened? NEIL (OS) Luke-slash-Tommy buddy, are you okay SEAN (OS) Is he dead? Check his pulse! Why me? SEAN (OS) That time I thought I was having a panic attack? I couldnt find it Alright fine. Luke? Come on, help me What are you doing? Lift him up a bit. Is he dead? Goddammit Tommy!!! What? NEIL (OS) Get out of here! Lets get the fuck out of here! Why what why Get out! NEIL (OS) SEAN (OS) SEAN (OS) NEIL (OS) SEAN (OS) NEIL (OS) SEAN (OS) NEIL (OS) SEAN (OS) NEIL (OS) NEIL (OS) SEAN (OS) NEIL (OS)

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37 We see the flashlight return to the stage. NEIL (CONTD) Fucking Tommy. He did his job. He put the vacuum exactly where its supposed to be SEAN Right by the restroom with the brooms. NEIL But the dumbfuck left it plugged in! SEAN Tommy electrocuted Luke. This Tommy-slash-Luke character killed himself. I dont get it. Hes a Luke impersonator. NEIL Im sorry, but this is just too fucking weird: Why would he waltz in here pretending to be Luke? He said he was double cast. NEIL And what is that? That doesnt make sense to me. Those are just words man! Double cast What do we do with him? SEAN Something fishy here. I think it has something to do with the crystal skull NEIL Will you knock it off with the fucking skull? Think reality here, is it a prank? SEAN No. Hes dead. You touched him. NEIL Yeah. Limp like an old mans dick. NEIL SEAN SEAN SEAN NEIL

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38 Pause. NEIL (CONTD) Aw! Why did I make that little prick vacuum?! So what do we do with him? NEIL I just fucking asked you: what do we do with him?! SEAN Hes dead. Call the cops. We have nothing to hide. NEIL Yeah, so step one: calm the fuck down. SEAN Okay. Step two: bring the power back. NEIL No, unplug the vacuum before we bring the power back. SEAN I unplug the vacuum so no one gets fried again and you reset the breaker, okay? What time is it? What does it matter? NEIL Will it be too late to visit Kate at 232 Kearney Street? SEAN Will you drop it for a minute?! Okay. Footsteps as they exit to the back. A pause. SEAN (OS) Vacuum unplugged and out of the puddle. NEIL (OS) Excellent. Now on to the breakers LIGHTS RETURN. NEIL SEAN NEIL SEAN

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39 Mr. Blake stands center-stage in the liquor store, well dressed and cleaned up, played by the actor playing Stinky. Dialogue from the back of the store underscores: OH SHIT! What?! NEIL (OS) Theres a dead guy in a puddle of toilet water, what do you mean what? SEAN (OS) I need a bottle from aisle 4. Rum? I mean Patron. Oh. Neil and Sean return, startled at Stinky in the store. Ahh! Stinky! Stinky? NEIL It was you! You killed Tommy/Luke!! You and your stinky toilet-corking shit!!! Sean restrains Neil. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Perhaps you shouldnt have allowed Stinky to use the facilities after all. Neil. SEAN NEIL NEIL/SEAN NEIL SEAN NEIL SEAN (OS) NEIL (OS)

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40 A pause. Neil and Sean are shocked at his eloquence. Im not drunk yet. SEAN And I may have gonorrhea, so I could be hallucinating. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) I wont say it twice. But by golly, you boys better clean up this mess. NEIL Whats going on here Stinky? SEAN Do you know whats going on here? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) All I know is a man who was double cast electrocuted himself because of your silly actions, Neil. Neil didnt do anything. NEIL Yeah. And why are you speaking so eloquently? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Lord knows how long its been since I have engaged in conversation. I suppose I missed it. SEAN But youre a homeless alcoholic. Oh I have a home. NEIL And theres a dead body in the back. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Boys, your attention please: I am merely a man. And this surprising transformation in nothing more than a small slice of a more monumental pie. What? Theres a plan here. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) NEIL MR. BLAKE (STINKY) SEAN NEIL

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41 SEAN/NEIL Oh. Whats happening? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Or better yet, why is this happening? SEAN Does this involve a certain broken crystal skull? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Perhaps, perhaps not. You should begin to discover your respective parts. And the scene wherein we play in. NEIL Oh yeah, well stop this prologue bullshit and tell us what happens in the scene! MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Id like to try a fine wine. A pause. NEIL Try the Kendall-Jackson. Thats the one Kate bought. Neil exits to the office. Where are you going? NEIL I need to get out of here. Im making my move. SEAN Are you ill? We have a character-defining situation here, you cant have objective over plot! Neil returns with his coat and a crystal skull vodka box. Objective over plot? Did I say that? NEIL Yeah you did, whatever that was. Call the cops. I have to do this. SEAN NEIL SEAN SEAN

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42 SEAN Dude come back! Neil exits Why did I say that? Because youre catching on. SEAN To what? What the fuck kind of mess have I gotten myself into? Am I being punkd? Jesus, is this a bust? cause Im ready to go to jail. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) I think I will go with a chardonnay. Something cheap perhaps. SEAN Stinky. Whats going on here? Whyd he leave like that? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) To pursue something he doesnt understand. SEAN Why am I talking about objective and plot? You want in on a secret? Yes. Yes please. Look out the window. Sean looks out the window that faces the audience. SEAN Its really dark out. What time is it? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Irrelevant. That window is dark enough to see ones reflection. Isnt it? Yeah. SEAN MR. BLAKE (STINKY) SEAN MR. BLAKE (STINKY) MR. BLAKE (STINKY) SEAN (CONTD)

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43 MR. BLAKE (STINKY) See yourself? The image of you, super-imposed to that backdrop of darkness outside. As if youre floating about in the vastness of the black. Yeah. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) We are accustomed to looking at the world like so. Dark all around us, with only the light in our eyes to guide us. Now turn around. Sean does so, turns his back to the audience and sees the store. His world. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) We might as well parade around with eyes closed. SEAN So let me get this straight: the crystal skull shattered and we were transported to another dimension where everything is topsy-turvy? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Sean. Forget about the fucking skull. It was a red-herring. I dont get it. Beat as Stinky sighs. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) I suppose the only way I can articulate this is through expositional monologue, so bear with me: We all need substance. Like drugs? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) I said bear with me. In this realm, it doesnt matter how the hierarchy appears to be, if you have nothing inside you, then you have no significance. Substance determines your place. The structure however, breaks down when those at the top are plagued with a lack of drive. SEAN Like a shift supervisor with no raise? SEAN SEAN SEAN

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44 MR. BLAKE (STINKY) As you two continue to ramble senselessly about nothing, you forget that you have a great power within you. You can stop admiring the reflection in the mirror by turning around and perceiving the entirety of the world. The minute you wake up, none of us have to meander. By heaven we can act if we choose to! We can truly play our part! But until either one of you gets the hint, I suppose I will make ends meet the best I can. SEAN I want to know who you really are, Stinky. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Irrelevant. Im merely a trace of background noise. SEAN Is this a story? Is that it? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Allow me to ask you this: Why did you waste your time listening to my conceited expositional rant? You know something I dont. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Because you and Neil are weak protagonists! SEAN Watch what you say Stinky. The attire may proclaim the man, but the smell is still there. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) You really believe you have what it takes to be a protagonist? You bet your stink ass. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Do you recall Kelly? And that splendid set up with the earrings as a visual representation of your romance? Yeah. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Do you care about her? Even though she gave you the clap? Yeah, I do. I love her. Thats marvelous. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) SEAN SEAN SEAN SEAN

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45 SEAN Ive been in love with her from the first moment I saw her seven months ago. On her first day. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Does she care about you? We havent seen her around. SEAN Thats cause she only works on Thirsty Thursdays. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Or she doesnt care enough to be in the story. She doesnt care about you. If she was relevant to your quest at all, this tale could have easily taken place on a Thirsty Thursday. And youre obviously not pursuing your objective SEAN Well maybe I didnt want to objectify her, asshole. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Nice wordplay, but the question remains: what have you done? At least Tommy-slash-Luke tried. He double cast himself thinking he could get more stage time and control the story, but he was greedy. He ineptly took on more roles than he could handle and killed himself through a plot device he himself set up. Suicide. But he tried. Neil thinks hes trying, but he still cant see. Have you tried? SEAN Im trying. Im gonna call the cops and get everything straightened out and then Im going to find Kelly! Youre not a protagonist. I am too goddammit! MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Settle down now. Heightened emotions are reserved for those who act! I need a drink. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) And while you intoxicate yourself Neil is catching on. He may be a weak protagonist, but a damn good antagonist to your future efforts. Hes my best friend. SEAN SEAN SEAN MR. BLAKE (STINKY)

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46 MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Hes having you call the cops, deal with the law, while he impulsively chases a married woman? Same way he has you risk your neck to deliver alcohol to the middle schoolers? You do all this as a selfless friend: And now I hear he took the liberty of firing your girlfriend. Youre full of shit. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) He needed to get rid of her: He means to frame you. He can too, hes the shift supervisor SEAN So the cops show up, see the dead guy, assume my testimony is shit and they arrest me for murder? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) That was a tragic accident. But selling stolen liquor to minors? That will get you quite some time in jail. Hes my friend! MR. BLAKE (STINKY) And you are expendable to him! SEAN You slimy piece of shit, you steal from old ladies! MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Stinky steals from old ladies, I do not. SEAN Whoever the fuck you think you are! Stop feeding me your lies! Kellys coming to work next Thursday and Neil would never backstab me! MR. BLAKE (STINKY) As you wish, Im taking the Kendall Jackson by the way. SEAN Why dont you drink your wine elsewhere, you fucking snake. I have a phone call to make. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Trust me, to be the heart of the story for just a moment, is that one event that will truly fulfill you. And everyone is starting to sober up to the idea. Stinky exits with his wine. SEAN SEAN

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47 SEAN And thats ten eighty one! Please. Sean picks up the phone. Ready to call the cops. He hangs up. Doubts. Neil enters from the front door, sullen and empty handed. SEAN (CONTD) That was fast. Did you get what you were fighting for? NEIL She opened the door. I said Hello Mrs. Ellington. I know its late, but I just needed to drop off this complimentary Crystal Skull Vodka from us at Snowy Range Liquors, for being such a loyal customer through all these years. I handed her the wine. She responded, Wow, this is wonderful, thank you. Well, have a good night. And I thought it was over. But as she smiled at me, just as she shut me out I pulled her face close to mine and kissed her. And she did not recede. She relished the moment and for a few seconds I felt at home. I had I found what I was looking for all along. From under the counter, Neil takes out the tequila and shot glasses. SEAN Thats great to hear. But we need to talk. NEIL Our lips finally parted and she stared at me for an eternity, it seemed. Her eyes, clouded with chaos and thoughts and possibilities. Hell, at one point I couldnt tell if it was yes? No? I do, I dont. Do not. Please do. I swear to you, it felt like I spent minutes trying to decipher the disorder and confusion in her eyes. Pause. NEIL (CONTD) Then she gently closed the door on me. Moments later, her husband chased after me with a shotgun. Talk about fine exposition. SEAN

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48 Neil takes a shot. Hands one to Sean. They take a few throughout. SEAN (CONTD) You need to call the cops and tell them what happened. This Luke-slash-Tommy character is going to start smelling soon. I told you to do it. SEAN Its your responsibility, as shift supervisor. NEIL Come on man, you know thats a worthless title. SEAN Do it. Youre the one in charge, youre the engine of this piece of shit so do it. NEIL You know I suck at explaining things, especially over the phone. SEAN Why am I the one who delivers the booze to minors? Youre good at it. SEAN I must be good at taking the rap. Sean, youre my pal SEAN As soon you got this Kate Ellington bullshit out of your system, you planned to leave me here with this cluster-fuck to deal with! Never! SEAN You put me on the line Neil! Every fucking time! NEIL Im here arent I? You dick NEIL NEIL NEIL NEIL

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49 SEAN Yeah, but youre still dicking me man! Ever since high school and should I mention the apartment?! I didnt do shit SEAN Oh you shat plenty! Did you fire Kelly? Kellywhat? Did you fire her?! Beat. Yeah. I did. SEAN Im losing my mind Neil. I have a foul-smelling alcoholic pretending to be a hippie yoda, a dead body in the back of this dilapidating shithole and I think Im seeing shit and you had to fire Kelly?! Im sorry I had to do it! SEAN Why Neil? You knew the only reason she knew I existed was because we had to work together! NEIL Maybe Im sexist. I dont know. SEAN Why couldnt you let that exist! Why did you have to fuck this up for me?! Of all things Neil, of all things NEIL It was a solid plan at the time. SEAN Just like its a solid plan to get me thrown in jail. Were partners in this SEAN Im your patsy sidekick. You ballsack. NEIL NEIL NEIL SEAN NEIL NEIL

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50 Tommy suddenly enters TOMMY Hey guys, I started thinking about it and, I really think I need those hours NEIL Tommy, youre dead. Stop interrupting and stay dead. TOMMY Youre mistaken bud: Luke is dead, Tommy just went home. SEAN Were having a dark moment of confrontation here, will you please get the fuck out until something rational leads us to your entrance?! TOMMY You guys are assholes you know that? Yes. TOMMY Ever since I started working here, you two fuck-holes hang around, selling alcohol to middle schoolers and pretending to be relevant while I spend my day doing inventory, being cooler bitch! And thats bullshit! I will not be a pawn. SEAN If only you werent so greedy, your part would naturally blossom. Cool. Thanks Aristotle. Who? SEAN Now Im Aristotle. Thanks for clearing up who I really am! TOMMY This isnt a goddamn Greek tragedy. Anything goes here. NEIL You sure about that? Were tragic people. TOMMY Unity of place? Time? Action? I dont see that here. NEIL TOMMY NEIL/SEAN

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51 SEAN Tommy, youre obviously an idiot: Our unities are fine! Well, actions kind of murky at the moment but were getting there. TOMMY You fuck-heads. If that were the case, Id be a better protagonist than the two of you put together: I got hubris. SEAN Take one honest look at us: bottom feeding, scum sucking, low class. You think were fit for tragedy? Were a goddamn laughing stock. NEIL I have class. I know classy when I see it. TOMMY Classy doesnt mean old chicks, you idiot. And you have the clap. SEAN Okay, now youre being condescending. Officer John Law enters, played by the actor playing Stinky. JOHN LAW (STINKY) Evening Gentlemen. I received word there was a disturbance in the area. Thought Id investigate, scope out. What are you doing? Changing tactics. SEAN You little snake! You said Tommy was getting greedy and now youre following his footsteps? JOHN LAW (STINKY) Someone has to play the John Law who was mentioned early on in the story, who was a serious threat to your schemes. Hey that was my next move! JOHN LAW (STINKY) Pipe down, you avaricious child. You pipe the fuck down! TOMMY TOMMY JOHN LAW (STINKY) TOMMY

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52 NEIL We havent called the cops yet! Get out of here Officer Stinky! Pause. Ill come back. John Law exits. Neil then addresses Tommy: NEIL And you: You should have stayed when you had the chance. SEAN You cant just barge in the middle of exposition like that. NEIL Crazy shits gone down. Its not your place right now. Beat. Tommy enraged. TOMMY You cant hog the story. Its not right. He exits, pouting menacingly. I shouldnt have fired her. Call the cop. NEIL I thought I had my reasons but I made a mistake. Okay? SEAN Stinkys dying to get back in. Neil picks up the phone. Hello? Is this the police? Officer Stinky promptly enters. Evening Gentlemen. JOHN LAW (STINKY) NEIL SEAN NEIL JOHN LAW (STINKY)

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53 SEAN You guys are good. JOHN LAW (STINKY) I received word there was a disturbance in the area. Thought Id investigate. Yes, Officer Stinky JOHN LAW (STINKY) Its John Law. Dont fuck with me, son. I know you pissed illegally behind the movie theater. SEAN Im afraid we had a fatal accident, officer. One of our managers, Lucas, was electrocuted a short while ago. It was a freak accident. JOHN LAW (STINKY) Ill determine the cause of death and freakiness level. Wheres the body? In the back, officer. JOHN LAW (STINKY) You folks been drinking tonight? A knock at the entrance: Jenny appears, played by the actor playing Tommy, complete with wig and skirt. JENNY (TOMMY) Hey guys. Its me Jenny! I just came to check up on my hubby, cause hes taking soooo long to come to his wife and kids. SEAN My goodness, youre persistent. JOHN LAW (STINKY) At least its logical this time. JENNY (TOMMY) Officer, is there a problem here? Wheres Luke? Youre kidding me. NEIL NEIL NEIL NEIL

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54 JOHN LAW (STINKY) Maam. Im afraid I have some bad news. Wheres my Luke? SEAN Hes actually committing to his performance. NEIL You know what your negligence resulted in, Tommy. JENNY (TOMMY) What happened to Luke? Honey? Luke?! Shes all yours, officer. Maam. Your husbands dead. A pause. Then an agonizing scream from Jenny. Jesus. Its like an exorcism. She clutches onto the officer and grips him tight as she indulges in the moment. JENNY (TOMMY) Where is he?! I need to see him! Please!!! Writhes in agony and grief. JOHN LAW (STINKY) Im afraid I cant do that maam. Jenny breaks from the cops aid, her bawling spectacle builds and becomes extravagant. A caricature. Then a joke. A pause as Jenny recovers and realizes they all stare at her with pity and fear. SEAN NEIL JOHN LAW (STINKY) SEAN JENNY (TOMMY)

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55 JENNY (TOMMY) I did it. I did it! Im the protagonist!! AHA!! You cocksuckers! Neil and Sean drink once more. JENNY (TOMMY) I got you now, dont I?! You should see the look on your faces. Your stares all fixed on me. The center of attention. That wasnt Tommy was it? NEIL Im pretty sure that was Jenny. The cop scouts for clues. JENNY (TOMMY) Im the protagonist now. Now you follow me. NEIL No, I dont give a shit about Tommy. SEAN I feel Tommys kind of an expendable character. NEIL Absolutely. I feel much more attached to Lukes wife, that Jenny. SEAN Yeah, shes something else. Dont you think so officer? Shes a fine young woman. Fine young married woman. NEIL Who has to go home and tend to her children now that their daddys gone Dont do this to me. NEIL You gotta go, man. I mean maam. SEAN Yes, officer why dont you make sure she gets home, since that is your duty, after all? JENNY (TOMMY) SEAN JOHN LAW (STINKY) SEAN

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56 Stinky catches on. JOHN LAW (STINKY) I better stay right here, I have some investigating to do in the back SEAN But whos going to take the dead mans emotionally unstable wife back home? JOHN LAW (STINKY) (OS)_ My duties are here. She arrived on her own, she can make her way home just fine. NEIL You heard the law, miss. Out you go. You guys are assholes. You mentioned that. Jenny leaps up to Neil and smacks an aggressive, passionate kiss on his lips. NEIL What the hell is wrong with you Tommy?! JENNY (TOMMY) Lukes dead. What if Im ready to move on? How about fuck off? Jenny clings onto Sean. JENNY (TOMMY) What if your pal Jenny makes you forget about Kelly? Sean pushes him away. SEAN Sorry, got the clap! You dont want that! Jenny makes more physical attempts. Throws herself onto them in frenzy. Come on! Come on!! JENNY (TOMMY) NEIL SEAN JENNY (TOMMY)

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57 She desperately grunts and forces embraces to remain in the story and they push her away. She grows frustrated FUCK YOU BOTH THEN!!! Jenny exits to the back. JOHN LAW (STINKY) Miss, youre not allowed back here, this is a crime scene The sound of glass shattering. SEAN Tommy? What are you doing? Crashing and screaming offstage TOMMY! Fuck! Silence. Jenny? Officer Stinky? From the back entrance jumps out Jenny. Holds a broken bottle in her bloody hand. What have you done? JENNY (TOMMY) Eliminating authority. Im taking the narrative. I am taking it and anyone who disagrees will answer to me, got it!!! You got it Jenny. NEIL SEAN (CONTD) SEAN NEIL SEAN NEIL JOHN LAW (STINKY) JENNY (TOMMY)

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58 JENNY (TOMMY) What did you call me? NEIL Jenny. Thats who you are, correct? Not Tommy. Yes yes. Im Jenny. NEIL So youre taking over as shift supervisor? Yes. SEAN And youll be the driving force of the play and youll have the monologues and soliloquies and the entire protagonist package Yes. SEAN Thats wonderful. What are you going to talk about? My life. And my conflicts. And what are those? JENNY (TOMMY) You know, that theres more to me than meets the eye. That Im just a guy shaped by his problematic upbringing and chronicling my familys life SEAN Okay, hold up. Youre not Tommy, youre Jenny. And now that this is Jennys story, we need to see what shes all about. NEIL We need to see what shes made of. SEAN So go on. Whats troubling you, Jenny? Your husbands death? JENNY (TOMMY) I dont want to talk about that. NEIL JENNY (TOMMY) JENNY (TOMMY) JENNY (TOMMY) JENNY (TOMMY) SEAN

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59 NEIL You dont? I wouldnt either. JENNY (TOMMY) No I dont want to talk about Jenny, I want to talk about me! SEAN But Jenny is you Hey Neil, have you figured out how youre going to get a second chance with Kate? NEIL Oh have I ever? I started thinking of that just after I dodged her husbands attack. So whats cooking? NEIL Get this: Im going to serenade her. Bullshit. NEIL The bull is not shitting. Im serious. SEAN So you have to play something thats up her alley, right? Precisely. SEAN Buddy Holly or some old shit. NEIL Fuck you. I like Buddy Holly. Jenny watches as she is upstaged. NEIL (CONTD) I need back up though. Can you play guitar? SEAN No. But I can play with myself pretty well. NEIL If I dont do this now Im going to lose her. I know it. Tommy has a guitar. SEAN NEIL SEAN SEAN

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60 NEIL Tommy? Can he play? SEAN I assume he can if he owns the goddamn instrument. JENNY (TOMMY) Hey thats me. I can play the guitar. NEIL Hey Jenny, how are the kids? Do you have Tommys number? JENNY (TOMMY) You dont have to call, Im right here. Calling him right now Neil makes the call. JENNY (TOMMY) Ill play the guitar for you, Im right here. SEAN Jenny please, Tommys really important to us right now. Hello? Tommy enters with a guitar, played by the actor playing Stinky. Hey guys! Hey Tommy! That was fast. TOMMY (STINKY) You know I just realized, I forgot to clock out! And besides, I got to thinking, I really need more hours now that my parents are getting divorced and plus, I need to get out of the house, do something. SEAN And you brought your guitar! Awesome. NEIL SEAN/NEIL TOMMY (STINKY) NEIL NEIL SEAN

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61 JENNY (TOMMY) Thats my guitar TOMMY (STINKY) Hey Neil, so I think my neighbors kid is going to be calling you soon. He wants to get hooked up. Excellent man. Thanks. So whats the plan? NEIL So here it goes: Do you know any tunes, ballads from the late seventies, early eighties? TOMMY (STINKY) I know Womanizer by Britney Spears. SEAN Thats not really Kates alley is it? NEIL That will suffice at this point: Im desperate to win Kate over, and I think this may be the only way to do it. SEAN And to think we originally pegged you as the snot-nosed brat with an ipod and a chip on his adolescent shoulder. TOMMY (STINKY) So Im a pivotal part of your plan to win her over? NEIL Youre probably the only man who can help me right now. Jenny withholds her rage. TOMMY Awesome. For a while I thought I was just a useless supporting character. NEIL Are you kidding me? Youre a cornerstone. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah! NEIL SEAN TOMMY (STINKY) NEIL

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62 They laugh. Jenny cant stand this anymore. TOMMY (STINKY) I guess it all makes sense now. How so? TOMMY (STINKY) Even in the most turbulent of disorders, there is architecture to be found. Isnt that right? NEIL Couldnt have phrased it better myself. TOMMY (STINKY) Well, let me check my schedule for next week and well start serenading, shall we? Tommy hands the guitar to Neil. NEIL You got it. I think its all starting to make sense Tommy walks into the office and Jenny swiftly follows with her glass bottle. Hey Jenny You piece of shit!!! Disorder ensues. Screaming and more crashing as Jenny stabs Tommy continuously JENNY (TOMMY) (OS) You piece of shit thats my guitar and I know how to play it cause this is my story and I deserve it you piece of shit cause I am the real one I am the right one Im Tommy you piece of shit!!! I dont want to be a botanist with kids!! IM TOMMY!!! Neil and Sean wait it out. They drink. Jenny walks out, bloodied. JENNY (TOMMY) TOMMY (STINKY) SEAN

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63 JENNY (TOMMY) Im ready to play the guitar now. Did you kill Tommy? Im Tommy. You chose to be Jenny. NEIL And the character of Tommys dead, so you cant be Tommy anymore. You killed yourself. You fucking idiot. SEAN I hope you like skirts, cause youre Jenny til the end of this piece of shit. JENNY (TOMMY) No no no no no no no no no no no: I can be Kelly! You talked about Kelly! I can be Kellys character. Kelly enters, played by the actor playing Stinky. KELLY (STINKY) Not anymore sweetie. Kellys taken. Thats not right. JENNY (TOMMY) What about the kids you sold booze to? Huh? What about them? Never mentioned by name. What about Jennys kids? SEAN You never know who they are and thus they are insignificant to the narrative. SEAN JENNY (TOMMY) SEAN NEIL SEAN SEAN JENNY (TOMMY) NEIL

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64 JENNY (TOMMY) What about Stinky? I can be stinky?! NEIL Do you really want the role? KELLY (STINKY) You can have it. I feel more at home as Kelly anyway. SEAN Dont get comfortable, Stinky. NEIL (TO KELLY) You are one atrocious woman. SEAN Theres only two possible characters for you to play because you killed off the rest of them: You can be Jenny, a widow. Or a smelly piece of shit by the name of Stinky. The absolute bottom of the food-chain. Either way you have no substance. No significance. No real relevance. Painful silence. Jenny finally cries, then bawls. Im sorry. You should be. JENNY (TOMMY) Im sorry. Im sorry for what I did. Your kids need you. Yeah. You chose this. She mutters and sniffles. SEAN Its alright. Go tend to your children Jenny. They need you right now. Yeah. JENNY (TOMMY) NEIL JENNY (TOMMY) SEAN NEIL JENNY (TOMMY)

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65 NEIL Their father just died. Yeah. NEIL Im sure youll re-emerge eventually if youre patient enough. SEAN Or you could also kill yourself if you dont want to wait. NEIL Thats true. Having kids is not a good reason to keep on living. Rule of three. What? KELLY (STINKY) Rule of three. Theres only been two murders so far. SEAN Yeah Jenny. Finish what you started. You killed me twice. SEAN And a third murder would perfectly conclude the thread and strengthen our overall structure. NEIL How many vote for Jenny to kill herself over the death of her husband? They all raise their hands. Aye. A silence. Yeah. JENNY NEIL/SEAN/KELLY KELLY (STINKY) SEAN KELLY (STINKY) JENNY (TOMMY)

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66 Jenny makes her way out the door. Defeated, aware of her place. And shes gone. They can breathe again. Neil sets the tequila on the counter and readies the shots. Jesus Christ, shes gone. For good? I think so. KELLY (STINKY) Wow, I cant believe she cried. NEIL I cant believe we got away with that. Now that was quality. Great tactics. Thanks Kelly. He is not Kelly. KELLY (STINKY) Of course Im Kelly. Im wearing a dress. NEIL Now, time for victory shots! Not yet. A moment. Then Jenny screams as she kills herself offstage. SEAN (CONTD) Thats one loose end tied up nicely. Theres still more conflict to resolve, though. SEAN SEAN NEIL KELLY (STINKY) SEAN SEAN NEIL SEAN

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67 KELLY (STINKY) What is it hon? Dont call me that. NEIL What conflict are you talking about? SEAN I walked out the door to drop off that liquor and all I remember is walking right back in for my next scene. Why is that? KELLY (STINKY) Because theres only certain scenes SEAN Wherein we play in? What the fuck is that all about? Does that mean we cant live out chunks of our lives because theyre inapplicable to what happens here? Kelly exits. But Stinky returns, trying to not to act like Kelly. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Sean, Neil, Id like you to put the alcohol down once and for all and listen closely. SEAN Neil: You went to 232 Kearney Street. Tell me what happened. NEIL She opened the door. I said Hello Mrs. Ellington. I know its late, but I just needed to drop off this complimentary crystal skull vodka SEAN You said that during the rising action or some shit. I heard that before, I want the juicy details! Oh. SEAN What does the script leave out? What the fuck happened? Do you remember her face? Stinky intercedes, takes off his wig. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Sean, do not ruin the illusion for him. NEIL SEAN

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68 SEAN Im asking him a goddamn question. What does Kate Ellington look like? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Sean, youre drunk. Do not speak. She, she looks MR. BLAKE (STINKY) She is a classy lady who bought the chardonnay and merlot and a pack of smokes for her intellectual husband. SEAN I know that from the receipt she left behind! Give me the receipt. Where is it? NEIL Its in the office, I think. SEAN Neil, could you make a favorable exit at this time and go look for that receipt? Neil exits to the office. Sean approaches Stinky. SEAN (CONTD) You claim this is chaos? You claim this to be disorder? Fuck you Stinky. You said it yourself: Even in the most turbulent of disorders, there is architecture to be found. Isnt that right? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Were still in chaos! For the storys sake, please start acting like a protagonist! Then well have our structure back! SEAN The story. Here we are floating around in a pretend-chaos for the story? You pretend to be Kelly and a police officer because you must. Not because you want to. NEIL (OS) I thought I left it in here! MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Im escaping the real chaos. The one out there. SEAN So you crawl back to into the belly of safety? NEIL

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69 MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Some of us prefer it that way. SEAN Youre so hungry for stage time, you can have it. Take it all! Im not strong enough. Pause. Oh? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Im Larry Blake. Larry Blake, the owner of half the town. Larry Blake, though filthy rich and reeking of high society, is only a supporting role. Im Larry Blake. And Stinky. They are the same. I, Larry Blake pretend to be homeless because that is the only way I can be part of the world I cant excel in. People like me cant rise. Theres not enough substance. People like me end up like Tommy if we venture outside our own framework. NEIL (OS) We should probably clean up the shattered skull glass and the blood in here. Looks like the Tazmanian Devil from Hell came through here. Use Neil. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Hes just looking for Kate. Thats not enough thrust! Shes a mother figure. Come again? SEAN Hes afraid of chaos. Like you. You seek safety. Youre looking for Mommy to keep the unpredictable away. So theres more. SEAN Neils Oedipus complex is enough to drive better stories than this one. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) MR. BLAKE (STINKY) SEAN SEAN SEAN MR. BLAKE (STINKY)

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70 MR. BLAKE (STINKY) See this realm of contrivances and plot devices? This is home to us. This is where you belong. Learn to belong, Sean. Sean looks out the window, faces the audience. SEAN I have a monologue. Its a good one too. In this monologue Im recollecting a childhood memory. I am petrified of the dark, and late at night I am tossing and turning in my bed and I refuse to peek out my blanket. That darkness feels infinite and impenetrable. So I keep my eyes closed, with my hands and feet under the blanket at all times. So the mysteries of the dark wont get me. But according to the anecdote, one night I build up the courage to stick my hand out of my blanket and into the thick of black. And when I do it, the sensation is that of horror and pleasure and triumph all at the same time. There, with my tiny hand venturing into the air, surrounded by that uncertainty, that possibility, by that chaos, I found a beautiful moment. Sean takes out Kellys earrings from his pocket. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Sean. This is a nights worth of liquor talking. SEAN I know what Kelly looks like. And Im going to find her. Neil enters with his receipt. NEIL I found it! For a sec I thought I lost it. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) You cant be serious. What about the ending? The denouement? SEAN You have structure. Figure it out. Heres the receipt. SEAN You should keep it Neil. Its going to tie a loose end rather quickly. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) But we need a protagonist Sean! Neil doesnt do shit and Im a background sketch! NEIL

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71 NEIL I do all kinds of shit! Neil, I have to go. NEIL No wait, I know were fighting right now, and I know youre pissed, but I need to tell you why I fired Kelly SEAN You had no say in it! If you hadnt fired her, I wouldnt have to go looking for her. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) But she gave you a venereal disease! SEAN And what of it?! Shes flawed and so am I! NEIL Sean Im sorry! Theres no way to fix it now after all these years, Im just For losing our place, and for Kelly and for using you. Im sorry. SEAN Dont be. Be glad. Cause Im sobering up! Because out there, there is beauty to be found, amidst all the possible permutations. Sean walks out. Walks through the audience and out the auditorium doors. Sean? Whered he go? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Youll find out when you learn how to see. Is he coming back? MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Perhaps. When he loses his mind without pattern or motif. NEIL But he disappeared. Maybe this is all about that mystical skull. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Maybe that fucking bottle is just a bottle. And maybe we have to wrap this up. NEIL NEIL SEAN

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72 NEIL This sucks dick. I wish Kate was here. Pause. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) What if Kate offered you a second chance? NEIL I blew it that last time. No chance. MR. BLAKE (STINKY) Im just going to step outside for a moment. Why dont you tell me about her? Stinky steps out. NEIL Shes gorgeous, in a very sophisticated way, because of her age. Shes so warm. And so were her lips. I think of myself in her arms and I dont feel as vulnerable anymore. Shes my home. Kate enters, played by the actor playing Stinky. KATE (STINKY) Thats very sweet of you to say. What are you doing? Im Kate now. No, youre Stinky. KATE (STINKY) The play needs a Kate. Im giving it a Kate. No, dont you do that. KATE (STINKY) Neil Neil, listen closely. Do you love Kate? Yes. With all my heart. KATE (STINKY) Then let this be the heart of this mess. NEIL NEIL NEIL KATE (STINKY) NEIL

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73 NEIL I cant. STINKY Neil please, I need this. Without this, I might as well be a prop. And you need this too. Please believe in this notion. Please believe Im Kate. Pause. Neil eases into it. NEIL Kate. What are you doing here? KATE (STINKY) I thought Id come and listen to you play your guitar. NEIL The wine tasting isnt until tomorrow. KATE (STINKY) I forgot my receipt. Came to get it. Neil pulls it out of his pocket. Hands it to her. Kate? Yes? Is this a happy ending? KATE (STINKY) Ive always thought life is a comedy, so Yes. Why am I so sad then? Neil quietly weeps. Kate embraces him. So its over. Yeah. Its over. Neil bawls desperately in her embrace. KATE (STINKY) NEIL (CONTD) NEIL NEIL KATE (STINKY) NEIL

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74 NEIL But I want the real thing. I want the real thing She grips him tight and sways him about. Like a baby. KATE (STINKY) Its okay. Its okay sweetheart. Youre home. BLACK OUT. END OF PLAY.

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