Introduction

Everyone has experienced a moment when they realise the right lesson reached them in the right way at the right time. Reading and studying Fascinating Womanhood was such event in my life. I am convinced that many women who read the book fail to understand it or dont practise it with an open heart and mind; sadly they miss out. The purpose of this guide is to help women gain the most from Fascinating Womanhood. This guide has been written so the reader can work through it in their own time. Every woman is already implementing some of Fascinating Womanhood so you will probably find some exercises easy. Others may prove a real challenge, but I urge you to try them regardless. If you feel discouraged then take comfort from the fact that many have dismissed aspects of Fascinating Womanhood when first reading it, assuming that they wouldnt work their marriage. In reality, these were the very lessons from which they gain the most. Authoress Mrs Helen Andelin analysed what qualities make a woman respected, loved and adored. She didnt demand they suppress their personalities, opinions, desires, feelings and rights. Rather we must learn to express ourselves through a healthy filter of femininity. The lessons should be implemented slowly and gently so ones true nature can emerge and shine as layers of historical grime are dusted away. I have heard many people say Fascinating Womanhood is hard; but it should be gentle and kind on you and your family. If you do have issues concerning a specific concept then: 1) Re-read the offending chapter, each chapter contains a lot of information and some can be missed on the first reading. 2) Reflect on why you feel this way. 3) Consider the long term results of your current behaviours, are these results making you and your family truly happy? 4) Suspend your disbelief and give all of Fascinating Womanhood an honest try, even if it feels strange. To gain the most benefit possible from this study guide it is useful to have a special exercise book in which to make notes, complete written exercises and to record any positive results or feelings you have after doing the practical assignments. As you acquire more of fascinating qualities you may find your husband becomes more loving and you feel happier. It is wonderful to keep a note of any changes in a journal or blog as focussing on your blessings by writing them down helps keep one motivated. Above all remember you are personally responsible for yourself and that following the advice given in this, or any other book or programme, is your choice and you will have to deal with any consequences. Before doing any exercise remember it is your decision what you do, I am not responsible in any way for you or your life.

Chapter 1
Read Chapter 1 of Fascinating Womanhood then copy the following pages and write down whether you strongly agree or strongly disagree with each statement at this moment. I feel loved and adored by my husband. My husband values and considers my ideas and opinions. My husband is affectionate towards me. We rarely have serious arguments. I love my husband and am in love with him. I am fulfilled by my marriage. I am happy in my marriage. Finally, write any other significant feelings you have about your marriage and write down your intentions for studying Fascinating Womanhood. Some wives say they want to please God by improving their character, others want to rekindle the initial attraction they felt for their husbands, or improve their marriages. Do you want to appreciate your husband more, understand him and yourself better, become more attractive or learn when and how to express your feelings in a feminine way? There are no right or wrong answers, but if you have clear goals in mind it will help you achieve them.

Chapter 2
Read Chapter 2 of Fascinating Womanhood. Take a loving, kind look at yourself. Write down at least four things you accept and like about yourself in each of the following areas: Your appearance How you care for other people (this includes your husband, family, friends and community) Your personality Your achievements Anything else Helen Andelin turned to classic literature and historical figures to discover the qualities traditionally associated with femaleness. She placed the positive characteristics of all the heroines she studied into one of two categories angelic or human. Angelic characteristics include the nurturing, caring, maternal, understanding, sympathetic, empathic, supportive, religious and capable aspects of women. These bring happiness and contentment into marriage. In his book David Copperfield, Charles Dickens invented the Angelic heroine Agnes to act as Davids soul mate. Human characteristics include the feminine, flirtatious, childlike, giddy, vulnerable, trusting and dependent characteristics of the women who inspire romantic love. Charles Dickens gave these qualities to Dora, David Copperfields first wife. These help keep the sparkle and passion alive in your marriage. Consider the following statements and write down which ones apply best to you at the moment: 1. I have both human and angelic qualities in abundance! 2. I am more like Agnes than Dora. 3. I am more like Dora than Agnes. 4. I have lost a lot of my human characteristics over the course of my marriage. 5. I recognise I need to acquire some of the angelic characteristics for the long term success of my marriage. Write down three angelic and three human qualities found in each of the following women: Dora, Agnes, Mumtaz, Deruchette and Amelia.

Exercises

Think of a fascinating woman they may be a someone you know personally, a celebrity, a film or TV character, someone from history or a character from a book (either fact or fiction). Write down what makes them fascinating. Circle their angelic qualities in red and the human ones in green. Compare yourself with the women described in Chapter 2, take one quality you would like to improve on or acquire and practise it three times before moving on to the next chapter. Update your journal or blog. Read 20 and still counting by Michelle and Jim-Bob Duggar. What fascinating qualities do you think Michelle Duggar has? Do you think these qualities are helping her in life or hindering her?

Chapter 3
Read chapter 3 of Fascinating Womanhood. Unless you are still in the first heady days of romantic infatuation it is probable that you will be tempted to add more clauses to the statement accept your husband at face value, converting it to the phrase I would accept my husband as he is but I cant because .............. Accepting other people at face value becomes easier if it is understood that accepting does not entail unconditionally approving of everything about them. Rather it is a process of emotionally handing them responsibility for their own life; it means you allow them to make their own decisions and choices without trying to control or manipulate them. You accept who they are, as they are, here and now. Many wives dwell in the unhappy realm of he should do/be different if only he would.... Ill be happy if he does/is/becomes/gives me..... All this is futile as you are making your happiness conditional on another person changing. It is much healthier to take responsibility for your own life than to infringe on another persons even if you are married. Any effort to improve, or change, another person is like saying I know better than you about your life to them. Fascinating wives express themselves but recognise they cannot to force change on another. At the start of chapter 3 Helen Andelin identifies nine categories in which a wife should respect her husbands autonomy (in the What Faults do men have that women try to change? section). Write them down. Think deeply about the things in your husband that you want to change and write them down too. Now assess how you have tried to change your husband in the past; have you pulled faces, given him the cold shoulder, sulked, shouted, given ultimatums, logically told him how hes wrong, pointed out how better other people are, made demands, nagged, complained how hes disappointed you, been violent or revealed your ugly temper, called him names or something else? Are you trying to change him for his own good, for yours or for both? Helen Andelin identifies four reasons why trying to you should not try to change a man, what are they? Make a note of any you have experienced in your marriage after trying to change your husband. You have now looked at your past behaviours and identified some of the poor results they may have produced which is a great motivator for change. Most wives find it hard to accept their husbands at face value and find it helps to focus on his good sides while remembering they are not flawless.

Think about your husbands virtues what attracted you into a marriage with him? When times are good how does he treat you? What positive qualities do you take for granted after all your time together? What positive treatment does he show to other people he loves or has responsibility to? There are three ways you can help him to change which will not damage your relationship what are they? Now re-read the paragraphs at the end of chapter 3 Should I ever try to change him? and Some special problems. Do any of the issues you have identified coincide with those Helen Andelin wrote about in these sections? If so then I recommend seeking advice from a qualified, wise person about those issues specifically. Write down when a wife should try to change her husband. Write down when a wife should consider leaving her marriage. We all know there are some things that are not acceptable, such as physical abuse. Accepting a physically abusive husband does not mean you suffer silently; rather you accept who he is and leave. Dont judge or condemn him, it isnt your place, your place is to take responsibility for yourself if you are staying in a dangerously dysfunctional relationship then you are not being responsible to yourself, your children or your husband. If you have been working and contributing to the finances of the family do not stop overnight because you have read Fascinating Womanhood. If you want to quit work then talk to your husband nicely, explaining you want to stop or reduce your work load. Think carefully about the consequences of becoming a housewife and make sure you can bear them in a fascinating way otherwise such a drastic move could backfire on both of you.

Exercises:
Copy out the list of your husbands virtues and read them daily for the next week, allow him the space to be himself and remember to give him the same allowances and excuses you give for your faults. Read chapter 3 of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman, reflect on how the four horsemen of the apocalypse (contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling) may have entered your marriage if you have tried to change your husband.

Chapter 4
Read Chapter 4 of Fascinating Womanhood. Newlyweds usually appreciate their spouses and marriage more than marriage veterans. Logically our level of appreciation should increase with time. Why does it feel so good to have bills paid in the first year but not in the tenth year? Why do women relish having a dependable man in the beginning, but grow bored later? Why do we find our spouse attractive on our honeymoon but hardly notice them after children are born? Just as polishing tarnished silver makes it bright so appreciation brings shine to marriage. Write down what you should appreciate about your husbands character, but have a tendency to forget. Write down what you should appreciate about your husbands intelligence, but are inclined to overlook. Write down what you should appreciate about the ways your husband helps you, but which you ignore. If you are unable to think of anything to appreciate in him today, cast your mind back to happier days and make notes from those. If there havent been any happy times in your entire marriage then remember why you married him in the first place, what attracted you to him? Consider for a moment what faults your husband has, then look deeper to find any asset which explains the fault. For example, an untidy husband may be occupied with weightier matters than aligning his shoes on the shelf. A critical man may have high standards for himself as well as others, high standards are not a fault they are a virtue. An excessively anxious man may be concerned with protecting his family and caring for them, virtuous feelings expressed in the wrong way. A visionary may become moody and discouraged when his dreams are not realised, the moodiness is a fault but being a visionary is not. Write down two faults your husband has. Now write down any virtues that may be at their root. Be wary of allowing a few flaws in your husband to overshadow all the good in him.

Exercises:
Copy out this quote from The Little Minister by J.M.Barrie, hang it on the wall as a reminder to look at your husbands best side. Remember that when the book was written the word lover meant someone who loves, it did not have the adulterous connotations it has today.

Love, it is said, is blind, but love is not blind. It is an extra eye, which shows us what is the most worthy of regard. To see the best is to see most clearly, and it is the lovers privilege. Next look at the qualities in your husband you wrote as ones you should appreciate. Choose one point from each list and let your husband know that you appreciate him for it. You may find it hard, but dont give up you can text him, write him notes, email him, draw pictures, write cards with your children. This is not for him, but for you once the third eye of love is open, you both benefit.

Chapter 5
Read chapter 5 of Fascinating Womanhood. I have heard it said that women want love and men want respect. If love and respect are replaced with more intense words it would read that women want to be adored and men admired. Many women feel shy to admire their husbands masculinity yet they expected men to love and adore their own femininity. Write down your husbands masculine physical features. Write down how your husbands skills and abilities are masculine. Write down your husbands masculine achievements. Write down your husbands masculine goals and dreams. Write down how your husbands character is masculine. Write down how your husband fulfils the masculine roles in your home. Look at each list you have written and circle which masculine qualities in your husband you sincerely admire. This is a very personal exercise, you are not comparing your husband to other men or some fictitious ideal man, but thinking about what you find attractive and masculine about him. You will let him know you have seen his assets and admire them, that you know him, respect him and are proud of him. You cannot do any of this until you accept your husband at face value and appreciate his best side.

Exercise
It is not enough to write and think about how you admire your husband you need to let him know. Over the next week express admiration for your husband. Helen Andelin suggests you write a list for him and read it out. Other ideas include making a scrap book showing proof of his admirable qualities and showing him, making posters or certificates and hanging them up (certificate for the tall muscle bound man who mowed the lawn youre the best), decorating cakes with your admiration drawn on them. Text him to say thanks when he does something he used his masculine gifts for (thanks for fixing the fence handsome, you did a great job!). Or you could just tell him I admire your determination to ...... No one else could manage/has the ability to ...... I have every faith in your knowledge/skill/vision...... I am so proud of you for..... You have a real talent for..... I really respect the way you.... Whatever you think, youre the expert....

Thanks for being such a hands on dad, I cant show the kids how a real man behaves, thats your job I have known fascinating women who dont use words but will squeeze their husbands muscles and give a cheeky wink. This does not come easily to many women, we are afraid of exposing ourselves to ridicule or being seen as too forward. Use your sense and find a way of expressing your admiration in a way that pleases your husband and enhances your marriage. Do not worry if saying these things doesnt come spontaneously to you, plan what you are going to say and do and rehearse in private. The alternative is to make your husband live out his days without your admiration, is that what you want? Please note that you must be sincere and specific in your admiration. If your husband challenges you by saying these muscles arent big, you should see the guys at work then you need to let him know that YOU think his muscles are big and that YOU love the way his body looks.

Chapter 6
Read chapter 6 of Fascinating Womanhood. Write down six things that women commonly put before their husbands. Underline any that you have put before your husband. Think carefully and asses if he could feel that you have put any of the above before him. Underline these as well.

Exercise
Find a way of giving your husband the gift of your time, effort and attention wholeheartedly once in the next week. Perhaps you could give him a massage, prepare his favourite meal and eat it together or ask him on a date hell enjoy. If you are a housewife then choose one evening this week to help your husband feel he is your priority. If your circumstances make this an impossible task then think of a different time/place/way of making your husband feel number one. Could you do this exercise on his day off? Would he like breakfast in bed one morning? Whatever you decide the following rules are good to follow: Prepare the house; it should be clean, tidy and peaceful (run the washing machine another time). Have a nice meal ready for him the smell of home cooked food is a treat in itself. Prepare yourself; you should convey a sense of calm and happiness. Make sure your clothes look pretty, your hair is in a feminine style, put makeup and perfume on. Make sure all your chores have been done in advance and that you are relaxed. Prepare your children; they and their clothes are clean should be clean. It is a good idea to feed very small children beforehand so they are in a good temper and you can eat in peace. If it is late then make sure they are ready for bed (or even in it) so you can spend time with him not on them. When he walks in go to greet him with a smile, while giving him space to relax. Ask how he is, offer him a drink, say the food is ready and offer him the option of eating now or later. Its nice for the kids to show their pleasure at having him home and he may want to be with them, but if he indicates he needs a break then give them something to do elsewhere. Be understanding; if he wants to relax by watching TV for a while or if he needs some peace and quiet then cheerfully give him space. When he is ready, sit with him and ask how his day was, show an interest in his work and other things going on in his life. Listen to him, encouraging him to tell you about his life. There is a time for you to talk about your concerns, but it is for later after he has unwound and knows you are interested in him.

Understanding your husband

Chapters 3-6 of Fascinating Womanhood are concerned with understanding ones husband and teaching the best ways to express that understanding (acceptance, appreciation, admiration and making him your number 1). You do not need to start surrendering your brains, living a defeated life, faking your feelings, breaking yourself to accept the unacceptable, lying to yourself or pretending he is perfect. It is about finding the best in the man you are tied to by marriage, it is letting him know you see the good in him and are impressed. At this point it may be helpful for you to reflect on the following story. Once I asked my husband to take our family to a local beauty spot in summer, there is a river with a little beach which our children enjoy playing on and when we arrived I wanted to go there. My husband pulled a face and refused. Why? Because bikini clad women were playing in the water. I was irritated I wanted to take the kids to play, it was hot and so unfair to make us walk around when there was a cool river. I put my own desire to make our children happy before my husband. We did go for the walk as he wanted, but I did it with a reluctant, resentful spirit. Without a doubt my husband and children picked up on that. Now I would make him my number one. Firstly I would accept him at face value rather than trying to change him he didnt want to go to the beach, he wanted to go for a walk. Fair enough. Secondly I would look for something to appreciate he had taken us all out for a family trip. Thirdly I would look for something to admire he didnt feel comfortable on the beach because he has high moral character. If we ever find ourselves in a similar scenario I would say Gosh, I didnt even think! Men are so different from women! Im so glad to be married to a decent man with strong morals. A walk would be lovely, Im so happy you brought us today. How differently my husband and children would feel about the trip and each other if I had looked at the good and put him first. Reflect on a past event in your marriage and think how differently you would have behaved if you had understood your husband better. What could you have said that conveyed acceptance, appreciation and admiration? How could you have made him your number one? Do you think your husband would have more positive feelings for you in the first or second scenario? Do you think you would have more positive feelings for yourself and your husband in the first or second scenario?

Chapters 7-13 of Fascinating Womanhood continue the Understanding Men section of the book by Helen Andelin. Chapters 3-6 were concerned the wifes attitude towards her husbands qualities, while chapters 7-13 are more concerned with her attitude towards their marriage and respecting his role. In most happy marriages the husband has to feel needed and appreciated as the family leader, protector and provider. The wife meanwhile is needed to be the wife, mother and homemaker. This does not exclude her from the world of work or education. It is possible for a career woman to make her husband feel needed and appreciated as the man in her life and to keep her priority their marriage and home.

Chapter 7
Read Chapter 7 of Fascinating Womanhood and answer these questions: What are the three roles identified in this chapter as ones a man needs to fulfil to be satisfied? How can you and your family help your husband function in these roles? How can you and your family help him feel needed in these roles? How can you and your family help him excel in these roles?

Exercises
Learn the womans roles identified in Chapter 7 and work at excelling in all three roles over the next week. Express gratitude when your husband acts as the leader, protector or provider of the family over the next week. The following sentences are good examples of what you could say: Thank-you so much I dont know how Id manage without you I couldnt have done that alone! Its such a comfort to have you here to help me I am glad I followed your advice I have a problem, will you help me? We need you so much! Try sending your husband a text telling him how you appreciate the things he provides you with, advice he has given you or protection he has offered you. Try writing a love note for him and leave it in his wallet. Highlight one example where he has fulfilled one of the masculine roles and say you are impressed.

Update your blog or journal.

Chapter 8
There are four possible ways a family can be ruled. 1) With the husband as the leader of the family. 2) With the wife as the leader of the family. 3) With both leading the family. 4) With neither leading the family. Most people can see straight out that options 3 and 4 will result in chaos. Any problem where the couple disagree will remain unsolved until one of them agrees to surrender to the other or a compromise can be agreed. Is it realistic to hammer each and every problem out or will it create friction whenever decision has to be made? One person must be the driving force and head of the family. Why should this fall on the mans shoulders and not the womans? Write three reasons down. If a man feels that he is respected as the leader of the family he will normally seek the advice of his wife and give her control over many decisions. Just as the captain of a ship will delegate to his officers when he trusts them, while he is unlikely to delegate if living in fear of mutiny and rebellion. Helen Andelin identifies five common mistakes women make which indicate they do not respect their husbands ability as the leader what are they? Think carefully and underline any of these mistakes that you are prone to making. What eight traits does a wife need if she is going to be a perfect follower? Please note that while Fascinating Womanhood does prescribe families follow a patriarchal model, allowances are made in this chapter for exceptions. Where a husband is leading his family into corruption, or if the wife has a keen feeling about an important issue she should make a stand. We all have responsibility towards ourselves, family and community which cannot be shirked by hiding behind the banner of blind obedience at all costs. The act of obedience doesnt negate the possibility of a wife expressing her wishes or feelings. It is still possible to discuss issues while being respectful to his masculine roles. What should be avoided is demanding your husband constantly give you your way, regardless of his feelings. How does one give feminine advice?

Exercises
Work on obeying your husband, especially over small matters for the next week. Let him decide how you spend your leisure time for example. If you are in the habit of letting your husband lead already then great! Well done!

Make an effort to listen to your husband and only advise him in a feminine way. If this practise is new to you then implement it gradually, master each point in turn until it becomes second nature. Read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle, which describes in detail the negative consequences of the wife running the family and controlling the marriage.

Chapter 9
Read chapter 9 of Fascinating Womanhood. Masculine men want to feel they are protecting their families from dangers, strenuous work and difficulties, they want to feel needed and superior in these roles. When men feel unneeded or unwanted by their wives in these roles they will often run to the aid of other distressed individuals. It may seem ridiculous to modern women, but men have a very real instinct to protect. Do you give invincible vibes? The following statements are examples of thinking that prevents women turning to their husbands for protection. 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8) 9) 10) 11) 12) 13) 14) 15) 16) 17) 18) I know how to do a lot of masculine jobs and I can do them well, so I do. I dont need protecting from any dangers. My husband wont do his jobs so I must. I will feel ridiculous playing the helpless woman. Why should I ask for his help when I dont really need it? I can lift and carry just fine. I have always stood up for myself in the past, why change? I can assert myself just fine without any assistance! I can handle difficulties better than he can. I will just get on with it by myself. When the going gets tough, watch me get going! I dont want to be a nuisance, I am able to manage. My husband doesnt want a dependent, helpless damsel he wants a strong capable wife. This doesnt come naturally for me, I just cant ask for help It feels like Im being manipulative. Ive always hated that kind of useless woman. Its easier to just get on with things straight away. I am NOT playing the victim to be rescued by him, its unhealthy.

Are there any of the above that you relate to? Write any invincible thoughts of your own. If you struggle to inspire your husbands protective instincts, the solution may lie in being more feminine. This is a gradual process, it will take time to shed strong traits and replace them with vulnerable ones and still more time for your husband to really step in as your protector. It is no use saying the rat terrified me as I beat it to death with the rolling pin or seeking your husbands help once and giving up on vulnerability when he doesnt instantly rush to your aid. Dont handle 90% of your problems alone and wonder why he doesnt jump up to help you with the remaining 10%. Stay vulnerable until there is no doubt in his mind you need his protection. At the same time remove doubt from your own mind, it is a huge relief having a man to lean on and turn to and he will enjoy the honour. The person most worthy of a mans protective instincts is his wife.

Exercises
Over the next week seek your husbands protection from something you would have previously handled independently. For example, ask him to do a manual chore because it is hard for you, express your fears when facing a difficulty or seek his advice when dealing with a problem. Then express admiration and gratitude for his assistance. If you find it hard to picture a vulnerable (yet capable) woman, read The Little Minister by J M Barrie. While Babbie is independent, intelligent and wild she also shows vulnerability. At one time when her elderly friend Nanny insults her gypsy blood, the minister offers his support after seeing her tears. At other times she calls for his help saying she is afraid, to which he responds by protecting her and later risking his life and livelihood to save her. While the minister loves Babbie for her charm and personality, she inspires his protective instincts as well.

Chapter 10
Read chapter 10 of Fascinating Womanhood then write down the answers to the following questions. What does a man have to provide for his wife? What is it unreasonable for a wife to demand her husband provide? How can a wife help her husband provide for the family, without going to work herself? How can you encourage and support your husband in his efforts to provide for your family? In modern times women frequently are the main or highest earners in the family. This does not mean a husband has to feel emasculated or unfulfilled as the provider for the family, it does mean that the wife will have to approach the family finances with diplomacy. Helen Andelin mentions in chapter 3 that the wife can support the family if the arrangement is temporary her husband is looking for work, sick, unable to work, re-training, cant earn enough to pay for their living expenses or is setting up a new business etc. What is not fine is an able bodied man permanently refusing to contribute anything to the family finances. If the wife is the higher earner it is still acceptable for her to expect her husband to pay for the accommodation and running costs of the household. If this is the route she plans to follow then she must be totally content with the standard of living he can afford. It does mean that he is excelling at providing because his money is paying for the essentials. Many women prefer to have a higher standard of living than their husband can afford alone. If this is the case then her income is used to supplement his. She must still treat him with the honour and respect due to the family provider and make it clear that his money is essential, she cannot resent her contribution because its her choice to contribute. If the wife prefers not to contribute anything to the family finances, then I suggest she devises a long term plan for her money. She shouldnt walk through the house in a fur coat while her husband sobs over the latest electricity bill! Instead it would seem sensible to say the money is being invested for future needs in a way that makes it inaccessible for the time being. If a man is to excel at providing for his family, his career has to come first. If a man has a specialised career or is offered a job which demands he lives in a certain location, the whole family should move there even at the expense of the wifes career or desire to remain with her family and friends.

Exercises
If you have been demanding your husband provide you with luxuries he can only afford with great effort and by working extra hours stop. Accept the standard of living he can give you by working reasonable hours, those typical for a man of his age, qualifications and experience. Express your appreciation for the things your husband does provide you with, including the time he spends with you. Ask yourself honestly if you are helping your husband to provide for you, it is a huge task to support a family and he deserves your help even if you have to make some sacrifices. Give him the help he needs to be the provider. If you are working for money and are unhappy or stressed, see if there is a way you can reduce your hours, change jobs or even quit. Tell your husband honestly if you are finding the burden of work too great and ask him to find a way of easing things for you.

Chapter 11
Read Chapter 11 of Fascinating Womanhood. I have to admit that there are some cases I have known where the man is unable to manage the family finances. If your husband, for whatever reason, has repeatedly proven himself irresponsible and you cannot endure the hardship of relying on him to manage the family finances (and such a decision would seem foolish to a neutral, intelligent, trustworthy person) then do not risk losing everything. On the other hand there are many men who are reliable, trustworthy and fully able to manage the family finances independently yet they dont. This may be due to habit, because the wife wants to run the money or because the husband doesnt. If you are struggling with the burden of handling the finances or you argue because of his spending or your budgeting (or vice versa) then it is time to let your husband know you cant handle the family finances anymore and to turn your back on them. He may make mistakes or do things differently from you, but do not rush in to rescue him.

Exercises
Read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle, she describes how she calculates a monthly budget for her living expenses and for running the house. She also discusses the advantages she witnessed after putting her husband in charge of the finances. If you are willing and able to hand over the finances, keep a record of all the money you spend on yourself and running the household over the next month. Use this as a basis for the budget you ask your husband to give you be generous with yourself and reasonable with your money at the same time. This is neither an exercise in stinginess nor in extravagance.

Chapter 12
Read chapter 12 of Fascinating Womanhood. Deep down all men want to feel they are respected as men. To be truly treasured as a wife it is important to understand that boosting his confidence in his masculinity will protect him from self doubt and hurt, generally improving your relationship immeasurably. If it seems that there is some repetition between this chapter and the previous ones then you are correct. Once you are accepting, admiring and appreciating your husband and making him feel needed and competent at fulfilling the masculine roles you will not be wounding his sensitive masculine pride. Understanding masculine pride is a step towards understanding men. Write down the answers to the following questions: What six masculine qualities do men tend to take pride in? What masculine traits do you think your husband takes pride in? How can you build his confidence in his masculinity? Sometimes a man will feel so wounded because of his masculine pride being insulted that he will withdraw emotionally from his wife. Helen Andelin calls this reserve and lists six behaviours a wife can exhibit to break down the wall of reserve. What are the behaviours?

Exercises
Honestly assess if you have been guilty of injuring your husbands self esteem in the areas he is most vulnerable in the ones relating to masculine pride. If you have always respected his masculinity consider other influences in his life where his esteem may have been battered through his family, through your family, through friends, in work or in the community. Could this have affected his behaviour in the past or is it affecting it now? Change your behaviour if you can see you have damaged his self esteem and contributed to any reserve he has. If your husband has a reserve because of outside influences, you can help him build his self esteem with positive comments, physical demonstrations of admiration (squeeze his muscles, look admiringly at him etc.) or through gifts which express your admiration (notes in his work bag saying you appreciate how hard he works to support you, messages saying you respect his determination, ambition or other masculine traits etc.). If he comes home to a supportive and admiring woman he will be more able to withstand the hardships of the world, think of different ways to show your support and admiration for him. Men who have been severely hurt will benefit from their wifes support, but making him happy or solving his problems are not your responsibility, they are his. Give him space and make sure you take

good care of yourself, if necessary you should seek expert advice on how you can help yourself and your marriage.

Chapter 13
Read chapter 13 of Fascinating Womanhood. When I first read this chapter I thought a fascinating woman was a sort of doormat who sweetly allowed her husband to abandon and neglect her. I needed to view sympathetic understanding in the context of the rest of the book which says a fascinating woman will assert herself when it is wise, will disagree with her husband if it is pertinent and can express her feelings and expectations in a feminine manner. Having sympathetic understanding will give a softer edge to your communication and enables a wife to overlook many of her husbands faults and blunders, it is a great asset. Once you really understand the world your husband has come from and is living in you will be able to find excuses for him, you will be better able to forgive him, less inclined to make unreasonable demands on him and you will be one step closer to becoming his soul mate and succour. It will make falling in love with him easier. Here are some examples of behaviours which typically irritate women, but which become less irksome if viewed with sympathetic understanding: 1) Coming home late from work. 2) Applying for promotion or extra qualifications at the expense of family time. 3) Forgetting things that you want, even after being reminded. 4) Being grumpy or critical when he is home. 5) Spending too much time watching the TV when you want to talk. 6) Not taking you out when you want. 7) Not doing the chores you expect. Possible excuses for the above could be: 1) He is working hard to make you happy or give you security in the future. 2) He is working hard to improve the society you live in or to realise a project he believes in. 3) He has different priorities to you, not better or worse just different. 4) He is tired or stressed, this is not the time to demand charm or that he does chores. 5) He is facing pressures which you do not know about. 6) You are grumpy and critical when he is home and he wants time out! 7) You have been sending vibes that you are more interested in your children/family/career/house/friends than you are in him. If you can think of any areas of your husbands behaviour which upset you, write them down. Can you think of any excuses for the behaviour you have written about? Make a note of them. Name three specific times that your husband will need your sympathetic understanding. How do you give true sympathy?

Exercise
Look for excuses for your husband over the next week. Read how to be a sympathetic wife and play the part actively listen to your husband and express nothing but sympathy and support, DO NOT PROBLEM SOLVE FOR HIM!

Chapter 14
Read chapter 14 of Fascinating Womanhood and the chapters concerning bait in The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. Write down the answers to the following questions. What is Pandoras Box? Why do men keep their feelings to themselves if they are being hurt? How should a wife behave if her husband if her husband starts to empty his Pandoras Box? Bait is very different from Pandoras Box, but I have included it here as it is a common phenomena women encounter when they start to change. Essentially, there will be some aspects of the old marriage which your husband may be unwilling to release, even though he should be happier once he assumes traditional male roles. In order to push you back into the old patterns, he may refuse to accept responsibilities as you relinquish them, he may do a terrible job, or he may suggest such wild solutions to problems that you feel pressured to pick up the pieces. Supposing a wife has been doing manual chores such as mowing the lawn but she decides to stop and use the time differently, she tells her husband directly that the mower is too heavy and she is trying to be more feminine - the garden is now his job. Her husband may just accept this, or he may bait her by refusing to mow the lawn. As she watches the garden turn into a meadow the temptation to rev up the mower and sort it all out gets stronger and stronger, so does the temptation to order her husband to cut the grass. When she says she wants the garden to be tidier he suggests they buy a goat to do the job. Its all bait he is saying I cant/wont do the garden so you have to! The best solution for bait is to wash your hands of the whole affair and eventually your husband should realise you are serious and he has to take responsibility for being the man. Clearly long grass isnt especially strong bait and sometimes the bait is very strong having your electricity cut off as your husband refuses to pay bills for example. In such a case I advise you seek qualified advice tailored to your individual circumstances.

Chapter 14 marks the end of the Understanding Men section of Fascinating Womanhood. It is the largest section of the first part of the book. Many other marriage books (especially faith based ones) are devoted to explaining the differences between men and women and they consistently agree with Helen Andelins conclusions; men want to feel accepted, respected, understood and admired. A good man will thrive if he is able to excel in the traditional masculine roles and he will love the woman who allows him to do so. Men rarely want their wives to solve their problems, point out their failings or control them rather they respond to advice given in a feminine way with sympathetic understanding. Husbands do not want to be treated as another friend in their wifes life, they want to feel needed as men; that their leadership, protection and support are essential rather than taken for granted, tolerated or scorned. It is not enough to keep these understandings in your heart, you have to communicate them. An excellent book to read on the subject of communicating to your spouse is The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman. He explains that there are five main ways love is given or received acts of service, the spoken word, physical touch, gifts or quality time. If your husband is a physical touch person then saying you are impressed with his strength while you massage his muscles is going to work wonders. On the other hand, if he is a gift man then leaving a note in his lunch box with a message of admiration on it will hit the target. This is not to say a note will leave a physical touch person totally cold and it is certainly an idea to send messages of admiration in all manners, but some will be more effective in your marriage than others. I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

Chapter 15
Read chapter 15 of Fascinating Womanhood. Happiness is defined in the Concise Penguin Dictionary as 1a enjoying or expressing pleasure and contentment. 1b glad; pleased. 2 favoured by luck or fortune; fortunate. 3 well adapted or fitting; felicitous. In the book Its the Thought that Counts by Dr David Hamilton he compares the fact a room full of pendulums will all swing at the same rate if left for a length of time with the phenomena of one persons mood affecting the moods of those around them. I know that when I am happy my whole family and house feels happy, when I am stressed there are more rows and more tension everyone seems to follow my mood. Is it any surprise that an internally happy person will attract the love of others, including their spouse? An internally happy person is normally happy, regardless of external conditions. That is not to say they will never feel irritated, stressed, angry, depressed, anxious or upset these are normal and human feelings. But faced with the routine ups and downs of life an internally happy person will look on the bright side, find the good in things and make the most of their situation. If your happiness depends on the behaviour of others or material possessions, then you are burdening others with the responsibility of making you happy which often leads to mutual resentment and disappointment. Helen Andelin lists seven ways she believed inner happiness could be attained, write them down in your exercise book. If you know you are not internally happy and you realise it is because any of the points listed above, read the following list and highlight what you think may be contributing to your unhappiness: Your housework is neglected. You rarely cook good food, relying on processed food or take-away. You consistently fail to meet the basic needs of your children and have a poor relationship with them. You are overly focussed on the faults of others. You are overly focussed on things you are lacking. You are overly focussed on the difficulties in your life. You are a doormat. You are overly sensitive to criticism and hold grudges or resent other people. You concentrate only on your own problems. You are selfish or self centred. You have no self control or will power. You are unkind in thought or deed. You are addicted to anything. You are too critical of oneself and unforgiving of ones mistakes. You are too critical of others and unforgiving of their mistakes. You habitually gossip, back-bite, slander or worsen relations between others. You are stuck in a rut, never doing anything creative or broadening your horizons.

You are unappreciative of the blessings you have. You are slothful in religious duties or your spiritual development. I firmly believe that inner happiness depends on more than the areas described in this chapter. Emotional and mental health are greatly affected by lifestyle (including diet, exercise, social life and work) personal history and present circumstances. If you are unhappy because of recent and exceptional circumstances then do not try to suppress your negative feelings; allow yourself the space and time to release them and heal seek help from friends, family or a professional if necessary. If you are chronically unhappy then it is possible to change (either your life or yourself). Investigate the many techniques available to develop an upbeat and happy attitude and find what works for you.

Exercises
If you can recognise the source of your unhappiness in chapter 15 of Fascinating Womanhood then take one baby step to change one area of your life this week. You know yourself and your life, so probably know already what you can do to help yourself improve. If your issues are more deep or complex than those mentioned by Helen Andelin, then seek help; ask other people who have overcome similar problems how they did so, or get help from a qualified (preferably recommended) therapist. For some people the best person to see is a doctor.

Chapter 16
Read chapter 16 of Fascinating Womanhood. The high character described in this chapter, which should inspire a mixture of love and admiration in a decent man, is the ideal woman described by all the main religions of the world. We should want to emulate these women, not just to win the respect and adoration of our husbands, but because they are the examples given for women to follow. Working at attaining a noble character is a worthy goal for every human on the planet, the rewards of which extend well beyond the feelings your husband may have for you. Helen Andelin lists ten character traits a woman must have if her husband is to have a high regard for her. Write them down. What strengths do you have and where are your weaknesses? What are the seven flaws Helen Andelin identifies as ones morally decent women are commonly afflicted by? To overcome any of the negative habits named in the above box it is essential to honestly admit you are at fault and take steps to change.

Exercises
Honestly assess your character, look at your strengths and weaknesses. Choose one weakness and work consistently on converting it to a strength. This may take time but the rewards are great and are worth the effort. Study the life of a female role model from a major world religion. Write down as many of her character traits that you can and what you can learn from her life and behaviour. Consider how you can emulate her. You are looking for signs of her character and nature rather than specific mannerisms was she loyal, morally upright, chaste, honest, learned, sympathetic or charitable for example? Did she have noble traits for the sake of her husband or did she have them regardless of him? If she was put under pressure to forgo her good character how did she react?

Chapter 17
Read chapter 17 of Fascinating Womanhood and also the book Sink Reflections by Marla Cilley. Housework may be a major source of discord in a marriage. There are two circumstances which commonly leads to tension over housework. 1) When the wife supervises her husbands contribution to the housework. 2) When he supervises her housekeeping. A solution is for the wife to assume ownership of the housekeeping, to be committed to running the house and to be organised. If her husband voluntarily helps in the house then accept his assistance gratefully (provided he is helping not supervising). Do not ask him for help (unless you are unable to do something) and do not order him to help. Be happy to run the household, take pride in it and find satisfaction in the fruits of your labour. As a wise friend of mine once said housework is not difficult, its just constant! The aim of a fascinating woman is to run a pleasant household she shouldnt be obsessively tidying and cleaning, nor should she be filthy and slovenly. A well organised and structured method, such as the one outlined in the book Sink Reflections is an ideal basis for a happy household. It is acceptable, even recommended, to hire help if and when it is needed or to invest in conveniences such as tumble dryers and dish washers. Answer the following questions about yourself: Are the floors in your house clean? Are the cupboards neat and tidy? Does the bathroom sparkle or is it dirty? Are the kitchen worktops clear and clean or dirty? Are the bins emptied when necessary? Are the bed sheets clean and do they smell fresh? Do your windows and mirrors sparkle or are they dirty? Do you clear cobwebs and dust regularly? Cooking Do you pre-plan healthy meals or heat ready meals at the last minute? Do you cook from scratch normally? Do you make meals look attractive? Are you a good or poor cook? Laundry Is your laundry organised or chaotic? Do you put clean clothes away asap? Are your familys clothes in good or poor condition? Feminine Touches

Do you have feminine touches in your home? Is your house cluttered or pretty? Are your ornaments dusted regularly? Do you hoard things? Is your house run efficiently? Mothering Do you take good care of babies? Do you enjoy the company of your children? Do you consistently enforce fair rules? Do your children have space and time to relax and play? Do your children have a good routine? Are your children clean and do they understand hygiene? Do you understand your childs world? I have let my adult children grow up and untie the apron strings. Focus. Are your family and home your main priority? Are you easily distracted by the phone or computer? Is your family happy in your home? What six qualities does a domestic goddess possess? How does one find happiness in homemaking? What character flaws make a woman a poor housekeeper?

Exercises.
Look at your assessment of your skills as a homemaker. Work on improving the weakest points over the next week. A good start is reading good books on the subjects you are weakest in and taking the steps recommended in the books to improve (provided you agree with the author of course!).

The Human Qualities of a Fascinating Woman.

The angelic qualities of a fascinating woman bring peace and happiness into a mans heart and a sense of companionship into the marriage. The human qualities enchant and amuse him, inspiring him with the desire to protect and add a vital spark to the marriage. Write the four human qualities identified in Fascinating Womanhood. Read the Introduction to Femininity and write down four areas of life women should aim to be feminine in. Femininity is the art of expressing and accentuating the differences between yourself and men in a way that is neither degrading nor ridiculous. You do not need to appear useless or stupid or be the eternal victim; rather the aim is to thrive and make the most of your feminine energy.

Exercise
Think of a feminine woman you know. Write down below what it is about her appearance and manner that makes her feminine. How does she approach her feminine roles and how does she express her feminine nature? Remember that a truly feminine woman is neither manipulative nor fake; rather her femininity is a self-respecting expression of inner beauty and sweetness.

Chapter 18
Read chapter 18 of Fascinating Womanhood. A woman who appears feminine has effectively accentuated the differences between herself and men. She has her own style of flattering and feminine clothes, she wears make-up that enhances her looks, hairstyles that compliment her features, scents that are pleasing and accessories that increase her charm. Be warned though - there are some common myths about dressing in a feminine way that need to be avoided! Myth number 1; dress like a femme fatale in tight, revealing clothes. Immodest clothes reveal the unsightly bulges and the imperfections we all acquire with time. Looser, flowing clothes conceal while flattering and increase the wearers nobility. Even if you are blessed with perfect and youthful looks then it is unfair to dress in a sexualised way before all and sundry, besides which your husband will grow immune to your allure. Myth number 2; dress totally impractically. Women who choose to wear thin fabrics in the middle of winter or uncomfortable shoes that leave them with blisters are living this myth. It is possible to find clothes that are both feminine and let you be comfortable. Different fabrics and styles that suit all circumstances are suggested by Helen Andelin in chapter 18. Myth number 3; dress in an attractive way all the time. In many environments a very feminine appearance may place you at a disadvantage and there is no benefit in doing this. Reserve your femininity for the home and adopt a business-like persona in the world of work to be taken seriously. It is superior to reserve your beauty for your husband, as advised in the Christian book Every Mans Battle. Having a feminine appearance and good beauty routine in place serves more than one purpose. On the one hand you are accentuating your femininity which should improve your marriage and self esteem. At the same time you are pampering yourself which serves as self care. Taking time for grooming and beautifying oneself is a good way to relax and refresh physically and emotionally.

Write down which of the following apply to you. I wash regularly and keep my body clean and free of bad odours. I keep my hair clean and brushed. My nails are clean and trimmed. My clothes are clean and in good condition. I ensure my teeth are clean and my breath isnt unpleasant. I keep my skin smooth by removing unsightly body and facial hair. I keep my skin soft by exfoliating and moisturising. I condition my hair and keep it looking healthy. I wear perfume to please myself and my husband. I wear make-up to please myself and my husband. I wear my hair in flattering ways (not just a ponytail!). I wear feminine accessories in my hair. My hair style and colour suit my features and are feminine. I wear a variety of bright, pastel and flattering colours. I avoid wearing drab colours (brown, navy blue, khaki, grey etc) around my husband. I choose clothes with pretty prints and feminine touches (sequins, beads, embroidery etc.) My clothes are made of soft or flowing fabrics which feel comfortable and are attractive. I select clothes with a flattering cut and style, avoiding a masculine appearance. My outfits are tasteful and coordinated. I coordinate my accessories with my clothes. I wear jewellery and accessories that accentuate my femininity. For each point you have written award yourself one sparkly heart and then add up your score. If you scored 15-21sparkly hearts then congratulations! You are like and exotic and beautiful diamond, attractive and dazzling your husband with a unique beauty that exudes femininity in all lights. If you scored 1015 sparkly hearts then well done! You are a gem, a crystal of femininity in a sea of denim jeans and unflattering sweaters. Over the next few weeks start to add extra feminine touches to your appearance and tick off the boxes as you do so until you have all the boxes ticked. If you scored 5-10 sparkly hearts then well it could be worse. You are like an uncut diamond or unpolished gem waiting for some TLC. Take baby steps to acquire a feminine appearance: Throw away one drab item from your wardrobe and replace it with something pretty. Wear your hair in a feminine style at least once, apply perfume/makeup or wear different jewellery. If you scored 1-5 sparkly hearts then you are probably stuck in a style rut of unisex (but oh so practical) clothes, explore the world of feminine appearance and have fun finding the new and fascinating you! Work through the above list until you are a diamond!

If you scored 0 sparkly hearts then have a long hot scented bath and clean every inch of your neglected self. Make a sustainable plan of self care and find the beautiful, fascinating woman you have been hiding from the world.

Chapter 19
Read chapter 19 of Fascinating Womanhood. Feminine body language serves to highlight the contrast between men and women. It conveys softness, tenderness, kindness, caring and gentleness without any loss in the competence or nobility of the lady. Feminine body language should suggest a relaxed, positive inner attitude and high self worth the opposite to being frazzled, aggressive, arrogant or depressed. To acquire feminine body language observe different women and analyse what their body language is saying become aware of your own movements and consciously be feminine when you are with your family. There are times when it is superior to adopt an authoritative manner (at work, when doing business, dealing with professionals and when outside the house for example). The aim is to fascinate your husband by displaying your feminine side around him, not to charm or seduce the entire world. Helen Andelin highlights the qualities of feminine conversation in this chapter, copy the following questions and answer them. What should you talk about and what should you not talk about in feminine conversation? A fascinating woman has a noble character, a generosity of spirit and a kind heart she behaves with refinement. Use the advice from this chapter to answer the following question. How does a refined person behave and what behaviours does she avoid?

Exercises
Make an extra effort to adopt body language that implies you are interested and focussed on your husband when you are together. Face him when you are conversing, smile when he says something amusing and use gestures such as nodding to show you are listening when he talks. Add feminine touches to your posture, such as tilting your head and making eye contace. Practice different ways of using your hands that accentuate your femininity. Experiment with different intonations in your voice to find feminine ways of conveying your feelings. When you are confident in using them, start bringing them into your conversations. Watch you most commonly used facial expressions in a mirror and assess which are feminine and which are not. Work on using the feminine ones only and also develop a few new feminine expressions and mannerisms for the benefit of your husband. Notice how you sit, walk and stand normally, consider if they convey femininity. Make a conscious effort to do all three of these movements in a feminine way over the next week.

Chapter 20
Read chapter 20 of Fascinating Womanhood. I used to be astounded at how vulnerable and demanding wives seemed to be adored by their husbands, while I (self sufficient and undemanding) felt unappreciated. It took me a long time and a lot of reflection to realise that my independence acted as a barrier to intimacy in my marriage. By hiding my vulnerable side I was presenting a false image of myself. I covered up my softer and weaker side, projecting a false image of the strong woman I thought I should be rather than the flawed soul I am. It was impossible for my husband to support me when I felt weak, protect me when I felt hurt or guide me when I felt lost I was depriving him of the chance to understand and love the real me. He was often unaware when I was hurt, upset, sad or jealous. No relationship is whole if the people in it are suppressing huge portions of themselves. This chapter is concerned with bringing your feminine nature to the fore of your personality, the characteristics generally discouraged in school, college, work and (sometimes) socially. A lot of modern women have difficulty finding and expressing their feminine nature. Answer the following questions. What five characteristics of the feminine nature are identified in this chapter? How do you acquire a feminine attitude? What masculine work are you doing that you want to eliminate from your life? If you are stuck with a masculine job, how can you prompt your husband to help you with it? What characterises a submissive wife? What characterises a stubborn wife? What areas do you subdue your fearfulness in? What different ways can you use to express your fearfulness? Do you subdue your tender emotions? Why? What masculine areas do you excel your husband in? List some ways you can invite your husbands care and protection. While a feminine woman may be frail, she is not helpless in the face of serious difficulties. What constitutes this core of strength?

Exercises
Assess how well you express your feminine nature and take baby steps towards revealing it. Ask your husband for help which requires his physical strength, seek his advice on business matters or ask for his perspective on one problem you are facing at least once this week.

Chapter 21
Read chapter 21 of Fascinating Womanhood. For me this chapter gives women (those who take fantastic care of their homes and families, who dedicate themselves to raising decent and educated children and who learn the art of being brilliant and feminine wives) the credit they deserve. All of the above constitute a full time job when done to a high standard, easily requiring the intellectual ability and skills of the most demanding of careers but without any of the prestige! Many women successfully manage to balance their life in the home with work/education outside the home, there are many noble reasons for staying in work or seeking education, but it is hard. The difficulties for married and employed women include being able to fulfil their wifely duties as well as meeting the demands of employment and making the transition between being businesslike at work while feminine in the home. On top of all else, married employed women must be able to take time out to relax to keep their energy high and ensure they still find pleasure in life. This is a tall order and I hope the following snippets of advice may help you find a work/home balance which includes being a fascinating woman. Change your clothes when you come home and take time to relax. Avoid talking about work all the time. Dont bring work home. Give yourself time out to get in touch with your femininity and relax. Be different at home to the way you are at work. Dont bring work stresses into your marriage or take them out on your husband. Spend some time talking about work so you remain in touch with each others lives. Set limits to make sure you arent overwhelmed with your job.

Exercise
Write down all the responsibilities you have as a wife, mother and homemaker. Give yourself credit for your work in these fields, for your good intentions behind your efforts and think about the skills that you use to meet the demands of these roles (such as time keeping, organisation, self control, optimism and consideration). No one else can do for your family what you do. Honour and respect the work women have always done and honour and respect yourself for doing it now.

Chapter 22
Read chapter 22 of Fascinating Womanhood. Internal happiness and radiant happiness are connected but separate gifts. Happiness is often the result of a great deal of work youve done on yourself to see the silver lining of every dark cloud. Radiant happiness is the visible happiness that emanates from someone who is enjoying themselves and is having fun (or at least pretending to be!). Consider for a moment Princess Diana, who would smile and radiate happiness even when she was internally in turmoil she was considered one of the most attractive women in the world for many years. As with all aspects of Fascinating Womanhood, it is easy to take this aspect of being a good wife and blow it out of proportion. Giggling in the face of real tragedy, suppressing your genuine unhappiness with a veil of smiles and or joking while you are being degraded you will make you look silly. The fascinating women I know do radiate happiness which brings joy to the moments I spend with them, but they do this in a way that doesnt make them appear foolish or superficial. For each of the following, consider the statement that best applies to you: Do you smile a) A lot b) Occasionally c) Rarely Is your facial expression usually a) Cheerful and happy b) Thoughtful c) Unhappy and stressed Do you laugh and giggle a) Easily and often b) Occasionally c) Under duress Do you tease your husband a) In a way that makes him laugh b) In a way that mildly amuses him c) Never or in a way that irritates him Do you see the funny side a) Genuinely and frequently b) Genuinely and occasionally c) In a forced way or very rarely

Can you and your husband share a joke a) Frequently b) Occasionally c) Rarely Do you sing, hum or dance a) Frequently b) Occasionally c) Rarely If you circled mainly as then you frequently radiate happiness. If you circled mainly bs then you occasionally radiate happiness. If you circled mainly cs then you rarely radiate happiness.

Exercises
Practise smiling in the mirror until you feel your smile does make you look happy, dont worry if your wrinkles show or your teeth are yellow a genuine smile is more beautiful than a smooth, blank face. If your default expression is glum then make an effort to smile more throughout the day. If you normally take life seriously then take three small events over the next week and choose to find them amusing. Take time to read, listen to or watch some comedy that appeals to your sense of humour, a good belly laugh once in a while really does cheer you up. If you do feel negative most of the time be aware of triggers, such as the news, which focus on bad events and trends rather than the good. Being immersed in the news or current events can cause you to feel down or aggressive if not balanced by positive influences.

Childlikeness
Women who say that men dont want a wife who stands up for herself, one without her own opinions who has low self worth, have a very low opinion of men indeed. It is true that men do not want to spend their time arguing with a stubborn woman, or frequently battling with an opinionated wife but the placid doormat at the other end of the spectrum isnt an attractive or fascinating option either. Rational and logical discussion does have its place in marriage, but this can become dry and dull if your differences are always resolved this way. A balance is needed so you speak up at the right time and in the right way. Childlikeness is a summary of different techniques that enables you to stand up to your husband or ask for things in a way that endears you to him. It is important to recognise the limits of childlikeness, the reasons for using it, the benefits of doing so and when not to use it. It is not a power tool; a way of getting exactly what you want or having your own way all the time these are all controlling, manipulative and ultimately selfish and childish. Childlikeness is not degrading and will not harm your marriage, childishness is and will. Childlikeness is a way of expressing your feelings and desires in a direct way without being threatening, cold, passive or aggressive. It is chosen when it is the most effective and least damaging or manipulative way of speaking up. There are no hidden catches or ulterior motives with childlikeness, neither are there veiled threats (If I dont get my way Ill sulk/cry/shout). It is easy to get confused with the idea of using childlike communication and the earlier chapters about accepting your husband and making him the leader. Accepting your husband as he is does not mean you bottle all your emotions and thoughts up. There is a world of difference between a person crying because they feel sad and upset, and the same person using their tears to emotionally blackmail someone else into changing. It is possible to follow a person after expressing yourself (often this is the starting point of negotiating a compromise and will increase the respect you have for each other) but it is childish to demand you be placed in control because youve expressed yourself.

Chapter 24 how to handle your anger

Read chapter 24 of Fascinating Womanhood. I was once with a group of women criticising the concept of childlikeness, when one of them stood up and stomped her foot, pouted and tossed her head in an utterly adorable and cute way, then said I mean, if I did that at home my husband would think I am mad!. I saw the flaw in her argument, her husband would most likely be amused while realising hed upset her. By refusing to use childlike ways she was missing out. Childlikeness includes asking for things directly, being in touch with ones emotions and expressing them openly and fearlessly. Answer the following questions. 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) Is your husband ever harsh or critical towards you? Does he hurt your feelings with insults? Does your husband take you for granted or impose on you unduly? Does your husband neglect you? Does your husband ignore you? Does your husband tease you in an upsetting way?

What is your usual response? 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) Showing anger with a temper tantrum. Shrinking back as if wounded. Stonewalling. Staying quiet while your blood boils. Talking to him.

How does your husband usually react to your response? Are there more or less problems between you once the moment has passed? Even if you havent argued, is one of you still resentful or holding a grudge? Are satisfied with the results of these interactions? Would you like to try an alternative? Childlike anger does not come naturally to many women. The first step to mastering it is deciding what techniques you are comfortable using: Write down childlike mannerisms you are happy to use (pouting, sticking your tongue out, covering your ears with your hands, stamping your foot are all examples).

Write any adjectives are you happy to use to describe your husband (such as mean, cruel, brutal or heartless) and what names are you happy to call him (monster, beast, dictator or oppressor for example). DO NOT CAUSE REAL OFFENSE! Write how are you prepared to exaggerate your feelings (devastated, heart-broken, abused or neglected etc.). DO NOT BELITTLE GENUINE FEELINGS THAT ARE CAUSING YOU SERIOUS PAIN OR ANGER THERE ARE BETTER WAYS TO EXPRESS THEM. Bring it all together.... You cruel dictator, breaking my tender heart in a thousand pieces! Now Ill go to the kitchen to drown my sorrows in chocolate *pout, flounce out of room, poke head around the door 3 seconds later and ask if he wants a hazelnut swirl* Having decided what childlike mannerisms you are prepared to use think back to a recent medium offense you could have handled better. Use the following template to brainstorm alternative ways you could have handled something. 1) What happened 2) How did you feel and respond 3) What were the consequences 4) What result would you have preferred 5) How could you have achieved this result For example: What happened? My husband saw me vacuuming the floor and said youve missed a bit, take more care next time What I did and how I felt. I felt unappreciated. I shouted you do it next time! and sulked. What were the consequences? He said he was sorry, but there was tension between us for the rest of the evening. What result would have been superior? I would have expressed my hurt without shouting or sulking, there wouldnt have been any tension between us. How could I have achieved this result? I could have said What do you expect? Im too beautiful for this kind of work! then tossed my head. Or Im going to complain to the marriage police that you dont appreciate me and theyll arrest you so there! then stuck my tongue out at him. Or I could have put my hands over my ears and asked have you stopped saying nasty things about my carpet yet? Or I could have said I left that bit there on purpose so you didnt feel intimidated by having a totally perfect wife! and given him a kiss.

Remember: 1) You cannot make your husband change, accept him at face value while expressing your feelings in a straightforward way. 2) You must not try to use childlike anger when you are seething with deep, ugly emotions or are likely to explode with anger or resentment. 3) Childlike anger works best for medium offenses ignore minor events and deal with major ones differently. 4) Childlike anger can only be used at the moment offense is caused. 5) Childlike expression is from the heart, it is pure and easy to understand, there are no hidden agendas or veiled criticisms behind it. 6) Childlike anger is not a method of you getting your own way, dont use it with that intention or it will be no more than childish manipulation. 7) Be inventive and with time you should enjoy this aspect of FW have fun being flirtatious and teasing your husband (as long as he isnt offended!).

Chapter 25 how to deal with his anger

Read chapter 25 of Fascinating Womanhood and The Little Minister by J.M Barrie. What 5 childlike ways of dealing with your husbands anger are suggested in Fascinating Womanhood? How do you normally handle your husbands anger (for example do you: Get angry back, cry, talk to him calmly and point out the error of his ways, shrink into your shell)? What is his normal response? Read the passage quoted from The Little Minister in chapter 25 to identify when Babbie uses childlike responses when Gavin is annoyed with her. Complete the following sentences. Babbie exaggerates her word and manner when she..... Babbie distracts Gavins attention when she...... Babbie changes the subject when she...... Babbie shows childlike submissiveness when she...... Babbie is teasingly playful when she......

Use the following template to brainstorm alternative ways you could react to your husbands bad moods. 1) What happened 2) How I responded and how I felt 3) What were the consequences 4) What result would I have preferred 5) How could I have achieved this result For example: What happened? My husband came home in a bad mood after work and snapped at me. What I did and how I felt. I snapped back good manners dont cost anything you know! What were the consequences? We had a fight. What result would have been superior? I would have reacted in a way that encouraged him to be gentler with me. How could I have achieved this result? I could have used childlike submissiveness by saying why are you being so horrible to me? in a little girl voice while looking up at him and straightening his tie. I could have used teasing playfulness by saying now you owe me a lolly pop for being mean and given him a hug. I could have directly said ouch that hurt. I could have exaggerated my feelings by saying You have offended all my finer feelings and I cannot bear to talk to you right now!

Exercises
Think of times you could have used childlike responses in the past but didnt, was there a better way? Use childlike responses to your husbands bad mood at least once this week

Chapter 26
Read chapter 26 of Fascinating Womanhood. If you are living all of Fascinating Womanhood then you have taken responsibility for yourself (including your own happiness) and are fulfilling the duties traditionally expected of a wife, you are honouring his boundaries and accepting him at face value while showing him love in the way men understand that of appreciation, respect and admiration. You empathise with his feelings and sympathise with his tribulations, you are attracting him with your femininity and good all round health and positive mental attitude. You are standing up for yourself in a pleasant and amusing way. It may come as a surprise to learn that there is still more to being a fascinating woman you can expect your husband to work at your relationship, he has to do this in order to fully appreciate you and acknowledge you as the woman worthy of his utmost respect and adoration. You know your husband is working at your relationship when he provides things you ask for or helps when you need help. Helen Andelin Identifies several categories of things you should not ask for, what are they? When small children ask for something they usually ask very directly and very simply. There is no mind reading involved no subtle hints or ultimatums (ultimatums are childish not childlike). Children wear their hearts on their sleeves, their emotions are easily understood they do not downplay important feelings (as a doormat would) nor do they play mind games. For example: I want a cuddle rather than I read the other day that couples who show physical affection are more likely to live longer. My shoes look old, will you give me money for some new ones? rather than Maybe we could go to the mall this weekend? We could buy some new shoes for me? Perhaps? Maybe? Or even look for some shirts for you? Will you take me to visit my parents, I miss them rather than will you take me to see my parents, it isnt that far and it does me good to see them, they really like you and I feel it is important we involve them in our lives. You arent doing anything this weekend so it shouldnt be hard for you. Please take me out for a meal one evening next week, Im fed up at the moment and need a boost! rather than take me out for dinner next week, Im sick to the back teeth with having to tell you it isnt acceptable to take me for granted and do your work all evening, every evening! Very often when people do not ask directly for things it is because of a deeper issue they are worried about appearing selfish, they are in the habit of dismissing their feelings and desires, they were raised feeling ignored or discounted, they are worried about the other persons reaction or of losing their affection. If you dont ask directly for things think why this is, what are you afraid of or how do you expect your expectations to be treated?

Once you are aware of what may be preventing you from owning your feelings and expressing your desires you can choose what you ask for, rather than unthinkingly following your instincts. *A word of caution* Do not interpret this chapter as a seal of approval for childishly demanding your own way until you exhaust the good feelings your husband has for you. His feelings for you will improve if he serves you up to a point, after which he will feel drained by your incessant demands and controlling behaviour. Childlike behaviour, as with all aspects of Fascinating Womanhood, needs to be applied in a commonsense and balanced way. Outspoken honesty is another aspect of childlikeness which Helen Andelin touches on, again this is good in principle and in moderation. It is sometimes far superior to honestly, simply and politely voice your opinion or to explain where your limits lie. It is important not to criticise, belittle, complain about the past or justify yourself you are entitled to voice your feelings in a calm and inoffensive manner. For example: I dont want your brothers family to visit next week, I am still too ill is better than making yourself really sick and then collapsing from exhaustion. Thats my least favourite sofa in the whole store, please choose something else is better than Yuk! What a nasty colour and that fabric is ghastly you arent serious right? If you start to swear Im leaving the room is better than Oh I see, youre starting to swear at me again as usual! I dont think its a good idea is better than making a joke of your husband and his ideas. Remember that a fascinating woman has a refined character and the line between honesty and brutality must not be crossed. Your opinion may not always be welcome or helpful, but on the other hand it may be both wisdom is essential in deciding when to assert yourself and speak up.

Exercises
Read Assert yourself by Gael Lindenfield. Learn how and when to assert yourself and practise these techniques until you feel confident in your ability to be assertive. Work hard at forgiving your husband and also analyse your own communication skills over the next week, what are your strengths, where do you think you should improve and how? Be honest with yourself and seek advice where necessary.

Life is never static and neither is marriage, you need to strive constantly to behave well towards your husband, to understand him and to have the best and most loving opinions of him, all the while taking good care of yourself and fulfilling your duties. Many women testify to the benefits of applying Fascinating Womanhood in their lives, but it needs to be practised consistently for a long time before you really enjoy all the benefits. Finding a community of like minded women and keeping a journal of your thoughts and successes is both helpful and easy now the internet is available. Courses are available on-line and its recommended to take at least one. This book is a summary of the way Ive learnt to apply Fascinating Womanhood in a way which has improved my life and marriage, however I do not presume every woman has the same situation as myself so respectfully remind readers to accept they are fully responsible for the decision to follow any advice Ive given and the consequences of their actions are theirs to bear. If you need to consult a professional for guidance, medication, therapy or any other help then I urge you to do so. If you are sure Fascinating Womanhood is not suitable for your situation then look for alternatives you believe are.