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WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT - a subsidiary of BLAMMO!, L.L.C. - a division of THE BIG LETDOWN INCORPORATED You can find this issue and past issues at scribd.com/whatwhiteelephant or even email us at WHATWHITEELEPHANT@gmail.com & well send you a pdf (unless were too drunk with power). Were also on THE INTERNET, and on Twitter @what_elephant (if youre into those sorts of things). Physical copies are on a the next time we get a printer, because the last one gifted to us was recently taken away basis. Sorry. If you really, really, really, really, really want a physical copy, I will excruciatingly handcarve & hand print your very own copy for the low low low price of 1000 pesos. Order now, and well promise an amazing complimentary gift, but then forget to send it with your zine. We accept cash, money order, bounceable checks, credits, paypal, goats and your first born. Operators are standing by so call now!

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THIS MAGAZINE CONTAINS HIGHLY SATIRICAL JOKES & AMAZING WRITERS; A FANTASTIC VOYAGE ON THE DEEP SEA OF FICTIONAL NARRATIVE. OH, AND THERES HOROSCOPES TOO. WE LIKE PRETTY PICTURES, AND WE LIKE PSYCHOLOGICAL SIMILAIRITIES. WE OFTEN USE POOR GRAMMER

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disappointment noun \dis--point-mnt\ Definition of DISAPPOINTMENT 1 the act or an instance of disappointing : the state or emotion of being disappointed 2 a: to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of: His gross ingratitude disappointed us b: to defeat the fulfillment of (hopes, plans, etc.); thwart; frustrate: to be disappointed in love. 3 one that disappoints <hes a disappointment to his parents> Origin: 140050; late Middle English < Middle French desappointer. > Synonyms: dismay, dissatisfaction, disillusion, dishearten, frustration, letdown Antonyms: content, contentedness, contentment, gratification, satisfaction

WHAT
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WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT THENOVEMBERISSUE

CONTENTS
...1 .THIS PAGE/YOU ARE NOW HERE 1. ...4 .YETI DETECTIVE IS AN AMAZING ...4 HUMAN BEING 4.

FOREGROUND
THE SEA IS SALTY ...7
Isnt drowning & drinking just the same? You let water creep its way back inside you, touching the sensitive tissues

MOVERS & SHAKERS

...8

Americans, irrespective of their political leanings, love sex & the depictions thereof but shame those bound with abandon

13

PERSONAL ADVERT

...10

I love you & wish I didnt feel alone saying those words. I have no idea if you feel them I wish I had the guts to tell you

I WANT YOU TO KNOW ...11

I happened. I evolved. Not into something that I enjoy. I do what I have to to survive. And thats okay.

...17

MOLECULAR HUNGER ...13

Converging into a vibrant spectrum, it reaches out through every gateway, heaps of optic nerves chase your direction

...15

SCREEN SEX

...14

Sensory overload. Oh shit, what am I supposed to look at? Me. You can look at anything, and you can touch. Adam.

SIGNIFICANTLY LESS ...15 WHITE SPACE POETRY & PROSE ...16

FAILED HOPES & DISENCHANTMENT FAILED HOPES & DISENCHANTMENT

CONFESSIONAL THINGS OVERHEARD THE GUEST LIST ...18 ...19 ...20

SPONSORED BY DISAPPOINTMENT

FUCK YOU ZINE EDITORS

Yeti Detective
Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectation or hopes to manifest, according to wikipedia. Im sure the editors of this zine are very familiar with that feeling as I begin typing this article 5 hours from the deadline. By, the deadline, I mean midnight of the day the article is due. I have a long relationship with disappointment. I remember the day I made power ranger morphers out of legos, left them face down on my bible, and went to church to pray my 10 year old heart out to beg Jesus to let me be a power ranger. I was told that if you just had faith God would give you your hearts desire. When I got home, raised my lego morpher to the sky and shouted, TYRANOSAURUS! I felt terribly alone in the universe. And, lets be honest, the 10 year old who builds lego morphers, goes to church to try to imbue them with holy powers, and then actually takes one out in his back yard to attempt to transform into a power ranger really is terribly alone in the universe. My only friends at the time were the retarded kid from up the block, my babysitters son (himself home schooled), and the racist offspring of one of my dads cop friends. So, that was a pretty bleak situation to begin with, but it would mark the beginning of a pattern I still havent fully broken out of: the reliance on one big outside event to break me out of the horrible monotony of daily existence. Speaking of disappointment, hows being a grown up working out for you? Not the non-stop party life you imagined as a kid, is it? Hang on, Ill come to that later. In thinking back through my life

its hard to parse the disappointments from the regrets, but Im trying so bear with me. By trying, I mean drinking, obviously. Im like youre gross drunk aunt who makes you sit and listen to her stories and get her another cosmo, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD try not to drown it. Next big disappointment: High school graduation. Im not going to be one of those dick holes who says that high school is the best years of your life. In fact, I heard a kid actually say that while we were IN high school, and entertaining the notion for even the 5 seconds to took me to tell my brain, No, brain. That guys just an idiot, was almost enough to cause me to kill myself with a protractor. Thank god it was English and not geometry. No, my disappointment following high school stemmed from a few factors. Factor 1: my grandpa was unable to attend my graduation ceremony. Now, I know my grandpa was a grouchy old homophobic racist. Ive come to terms with that. But he was also the only adult in my life who ever both gave a shit about me and had some vague idea of what the hell was going on ever. I mean, my mom and step dad had a child rearing philosophy of, theres peanut butter in the cabinet, I think, and they once thought Jesus wanted them to buy a sheep farm, and they CONTINUE to be grouchy homophobic racists, where my grandpa no longer has those hangups. Because hes dead. But still, there are no dead racists. Gin and amphetamine is my new favorite cocktail. I digress. Factor 2: was the fact that I didnt know what the fuck to do after graduation. Nobody in my family has ever been to college, and when my guidance counselor asked me what I want to be when I grow up I told her, Shaolin monk, and she was like, Ok, were done here.

Dont get me wrong, I wasnt trolling my guidance counsellor, I really did want to be a Shaolin monk. I just didnt know how the fuck I was going to get to China. I also didnt know that you have to apply to colleges and universities. On TV they always just get an acceptance letter in the mail. I did get acceptance letters from the schools I sent my ACT scores to (Thats like the SAT but different for some reason I have never bothered to research,) but they were in South Carolina and Hawaii and shit, and I didnt know how the fuck to get there either. So I ended up at community college, and even that was only because I had a friend with a rich grandpa who was like, Youre not going to college because you dont have any money? What the fuck, son? Ive got enough money in my sock drawer to pay for your first semester of community college. Heres a big fat wad of bills. Now march your ass up the street and enroll. Todays the last day. That isnt an exact quote, but that is literally what happened. So I ended up enrolled in community college, but I was a 19 year old who had been raised in a doomsday cult that keeps moving its doomsday, and that college did not have any classes to teach you how to be a Shaolin monk. So I did what any teenage Buddhism/martial arts enthusiast would do and just took a whole shit ton of drugs and played hacky-sack a lot. Is hacky sack still a thing? Moving on to further disappointments. This is a really depressing article to write. Fuck you, editors of What White Elephant. I guess my last Big Disappointment was when I discovered skepticism and the scientific method. I was 25, and that should tell you a lot about the state of education in the midwestern United States. A coworker who mistook my familiarity with biblical scripture for piety lent me a copy of Lee Strobels The Case for a

Creator. If youve never read it, good. I was a wizard at the time, so the idea of a giant invisible man creating the universe by speaking magic words was not far-fetched to me. But then I went, I wonder if there are any critiques of the claims made in this book on the internet. I found out there are. I found out they arent very favorable. That, in itself, was not disappointing, but the realization that science comes to its conclusions by first forming hypotheses and then testing the predictions of those hypotheses was fairly sobering. Here Id been jacking off to magic sigils for years with mixed results, and it turns out I can just TEST to see if they work? And then if I test them it turns out that they work at the exact same rate as random coincidence? So Ive been putting all of this time and energy and spunk into some stupid bullshit that just gives me the illusion of having control over my life? That was a pretty hard hit. What made it worse was that my entire circle of friends were occult people, and now I couldnt even listen to them talk without hearing, Im the biggest goddamn idiot there ever was, just like you were last month. Most of my subsequent disappointments feel too horrible to share with you, reader. Like it would be irresponsible. Akin to telling a child youre unacquainted with that (spoiler alert) Santa Clause isnt real. But I can tell you that the greatest disappointment of modern life is waking up every day to find you havent asphyxiated in your own vomit.

SUBMIT
YOUR STUFF-- WHATEVER, WE ALL KNOW YOURE NOT GONNA SUBMIT NADA. ASSHOLES. WHATWHITEELEPHANT@ GMAIL.COM, BUT DONT. PLEASE?

Their custard is disgusting.... Aw theres a hobo. He had a bag and a green hat. How come every hobo I see is fat? Nostrodamus was a mortal man. Good work there, History Channel. Glad you pointed that out to me. A raisin is a pretty fucked up thing to do to a grape. I may not be a real lady... but I still know how to cut one.

You view life through rose-colored glasses because you have astigmatism and pink eye. Im sophicated and classy as fuck.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and forgot to take it off when I did the laundry. Youre my knight in shining tin-foil.

What have you been doing... dating eunuchs?

Dont worry, if its a legitimate hurricane, you wont be damaged. Just sit back & relax, because this is something God intended to happen. Shell be nice to you, one day, then the next she draws like, a wicked penis and hates you. Uh... your bacon is touching the table.

12

OVERHEARD

THINGS

THINGSOVERHEARD

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THEDISAPPOINTINGISSUE WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT

Oh illustrious skin peddler! Will you thrust thine horse all the way home to your haus & put thine pequeno headlights away?

GUEST LIST
EDITORIAL STAFF
Sergeant Heartstomp - THE GARDENER Madame Super Duper - MISSING IN ACTION Peanut Scholar - COLLEGIATE ACTIVIST

Step 1; set time. Step 2; watch & listen [pop!]; Step 3; Remove top.

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