Hansel and Rico Written by Peter Kimball-Evans

Act I - The Failed Mission

(Two young adult men, Hansel and Rico, are sitting close together on a small battered boat in the middle of the ocean. Neither one looks particularly happy, especially Hansel) Hansel: I'm sorry, but it wasn't exactly the best execution we could have hoped for... Rico: The execution wouldn't have been such a disaster had the plan itself not been such a badly thought piece ofHansel: Well you didn't seem to have any good ideas. Rico: Maybe I did, but you were so firm on the point that your idea would get us the money thatHansel: If you're always going to take a back seat, then this partnership will never work. Rico: I think we worked well together jumping port. Hansel: Yes, well this is a rather sorry excuse for a sea-worthy vessel. Rico: Thankfully we're running out of sea. Hansel: You'd better be right about that rock over there. Rico: It's not a rock, it's an island, I'm sure of it. Hansel: Like you were so sure about paying that swindling merchant. Rico: He had an honest face. Hansel: He had no teeth! Rico: Nobody in that port had teeth Hansel: He was an obvious con artist! Rico: You're an obvious con artist Hansel: Well at least I have most of my teeth! Rico: Does it matter anyway? Hansel: What? Rico: Soon we will reclaim that money, tenfold! Hansel: What? Rico: Hahahaa! Hansel: (Questioning to himself) Does it... matter? Wait wait wait. There's something you're not telling me, isn't there?

Rico: Mmmmmmaybe Hansel: You knew where we were going all along, didn't you? Rico: (beaming up at Hansel) ... Hansel: What is on that rock, Rico. What is it? Treasure? Gold? Women? It's women, isn't it. No! Gold. It has to be? What is it? How do you know about it? Rico: Our toothless friend had more to give than he let on. Hansel: What? What did he give you? Rico: Nothing. (reaching into his sleeve) He GAVE me nothing. (slowly pulls out a roll of paper) Hansel: What's that? You stole it. You must have. Haha! Well, Show me what it is! A map, isn't it. There is treasure on this rock, isn't there? Oh I love you, you know I've always had faith in you. Rico: Alright alright, can you just calm down? Hansel: Right. Right, well help me steer us onto that beach over there. Rico: Hey look, coconuts! (tucks the roll of paper back into his sleeve) Hansel: Good, I'm starving. (The two paddle the small boat off-stage)

Act II - Unusually Satisfied

(Hansel strides out of the boat from off-stage and across the sand to a palm tree. Rico Flops out of the boat, lying on the floor after obviously having hurt his leg) Hansel: You were right, these are coconuts. Finally, something to eat. It seems as if, all at once, everything is getting better for us! (picks up a coconut as if it had saved his life) Rico: Speak for yourself. Ooh Oooow. Hansel: You bloody fool, how did you fall out of the boat? (Hansel begins trying to crack the coconut on a rock). Rico: Agh, haven't used my legs in about 27 hours! Hansel: Ah yes, that'll do it. (Coconut breaks open) Haha! (Hansel triumphantly drinks from the coconut, then tears at it and stuffs his face). Mmmf, Fif if fo good! Won't you have some? Rico: Ah! Er, yes. But just give me a minute for my leg to heal up a bit. I think it's just a sprain.

Hansel: Alright, your loss! Don't blame me if I eat them all by the time you come over! Rico: I'll be fine. Hansel: MMf, rmf (slurp slurp) sooo good (belch. Rico takes out the scroll and reads it, looking concerned). Well? What does it say? Rico: What? Hansel: (Halfway through a bite) The map, the map! The the the treasure map! Rico: (Looks down at the scroll) Oh yeah. Well, it says here that we're quite far off. But we can cut through the vegetation that way to reach the, er, treasure. Hansel: Good (belch), well we'd better get going, we'll run out of sun soon. And God knows what lives on this island, unless your map tells us anything useful. Rico: Ha, no. Hansel: Right then. (leaps up and pats his stomach) How's that leg doing? Rico: Oh yeah, it's fine. (stands) Hansel: Right let's go. We're heading toward that rockface, right? Rico: I guess so. Oh! (checks the scroll) Yes, yes we are. Definitely. Hansel: Onwards my fellows! (strolls off towards stage left) Rico: (Rico looks nervous) Hansel, wait! Hansel: What? Rico: We should leave a trail behind us. To guide us back to the boat, in case we'd like to make a hasty retreat. Hansel: Haha! You see? That's why I love you. Where would we be without your clever ideas. Here, it's not quite breadcrumbs, but coconut should suffice (throws coconut at the ground). Come on then! Rico: Right (the two exit, Hansel leading).

Act III - The Treasure

(Hansel and Rico trudge on wearily) Hansel: Let me see the map. Rico: I'm telling you, it's around here somewhere. Hansel: That's what you said an hour ago. Rico: Yes, and we've been keeping such a slow pace that we're taking so

long to get anywhere! Hansel: Well. That's the last of the coconut. Of the food. We haven't passed a single edible thing since the beach. I say we turn back, follow the trail to the coconuts and try again in the morning. Rico: No! The map says we're close! It's- it's just behind that boulder there! Hansel: I don't believe you. Rico: (in surprise) What? Hansel: Let me see this 'map' of yours (goes to snatch the scroll) Rico: NO! (dives past Hansel, leaping over the rock) Oof. Hansel: Come on, you little crook (follows him), let me see! (They are then both staring at a cave full of gold) Rico: Hansel. Hansel tell me I'm seeing things! Hansel: Rico, I think it may just be the exhaustion. But no. This looks like... Hansel & Rico: Gold! Hansel: You were right! You beautiful thing, you were right all along! Rico: But the map... Hansel: Yes! Your marvellous map! It led us to this cave, this wonderful cave lined with gold! Look at this! (Runs ahead, into the cave) Rico: That's amazing. I don't believe it. Hansel: You'd better believe it! Look at all of this! With all this gold, we could live like kings! We'll have our own fleet of ships, our own islands in the Caribbean! We'll have it all Rico! People will love us! Girls will love us! Voice: Heeeelp. Hansel: Not now Rico, we have to haul this back to the boat! Voice: A boat! Oh thank the heavens, a boat! Hansel: Rico? Rico: That wasn't me... Hansel: Then whoVoice: Please help, oh please help. (An old Hag drags herself on stage. Hansel and Rico withdraw in surprise). Hag: Oh bless you sirs for finding me! Rico: Who are you? Hansel: Stay there. Don't you touch our gold, I'm warning you!

Rico: Hansel. Hansel: What? Hag: I lost my expedition team to wild beasts finding this cave years ago. I am the only survivor, but I have a broken leg! Oh heavens be praised, I hear you have a ship! Together we can leave this accurs'd island! Help me to my feet kind sirs. Rico: Of course! Hansel: (Stopping Rico. Quietly) Have you lost your mind? This treasure is ours! Who cares if this old crone dies? You heard her, her entire expedition died- they were probably all of her friends and loved ones. Nobody else has seemed to come back for her, heck she didn't seem to be expecting anyone; who's going to miss her? Rico: Come on Hansel, you don't know that for sure. And besides- she can be our cook on our journey back to the mainland. Hansel: There won't be enough room on the boat! Rico: You know that we only need a handful of this stuff to keep us wealthy for life. She will easily fit! And besides, as soon as we find civilisation, we drop her off with a coin or two and never have to see her again! Hansel: Well... Damn it you were right about the treasure, I guess I would be a terrible friend if I didn't trust you now. Rico: Good. Thank you. Hag: Thank you boys (Hansel and Rico approach the Hag. As they get close, she leaps up, forcing them down to the ground. She cackles in triumph). Hahahahahaaaaa! Foolish young souls! You were better off leaving me alone! Rico: I'm stuck! Hansel: Me too. It's Damned voodoo! Hag: Yes, you two look delicious! Hansel: Oh no, no no no no no no no... Rico: She's going to eat us! Hag: Don't you two go anywhere (cackles again as she creeps off-stage) Hahahahaha! (Lights down)

Act IV - Out of Thyme

(Lights up, Hansel and Rico are standing in a cage) Rico: Well, it looks like we'll have to take each day as it comes. Hansel: What's that supposed to mean? You do realise that that smell is a roaring fireplace with a boiling pot of deliciously seasoned water over it? We don't have days! I don't think we even have minutes left! Rico: Hansel, I'm sorry. Hansel: No, don't be. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I trusted you. Rico: No Hansel. As we're about to die I may as well admit to it. Hansel: Admit to what? what else have you been hiding from me, traitor? Rico: I had a secret deposit of bread rolls on the ship, I was sat on them and didn't want you to see for fear of you eating them too quickly. You know how you get with food. It's all gone as soonHansel: YOU, YOU- YOU YOU. GAH! There's no word for what you are! Rico: I only told you that there was treasure on the island to stop concerning you about starvation! Hansel: Twenty-seven hours you were sat there. Twenty-seven hours stuffing your face whenever my back was turned. I could have died from starvation, but no- you thought telling me that there was treasure on this rock- wait, what do you mean? Rico: What? Hansel: You mean you weren't going to tell me about the treasure? Wait, you never knew there was any treasure, right?! Rico: Well, not exactly. Hansel: Give me that map! (Grabs and quickly unrolls the map) What... is... Rico: I know, I know. It's a recipe for a spicy chicken soup. Hansel: OH WELL THAT'S BLOODY CONVENIENT. WHY DON'T WE JUST HAND THIS OVER TO THE VOODOO WITCH. I'M SURE YOU'LL TASTE GREAT WITH A LITTLE (Reads the recipe) LEMON, AND PEPPER, AND THYME. Hag: (Walking back in brandishing a knife) Well I've boiled a nice big pot today. Who's going first? Rico: (Whimpers like a little girl, then throws himself at the bars furthest from the Hag) Hag: Hahahahahahaaaa. It's pointless child. (The Hag and Hansel Have a

stare off through the bars. To Hansel) Well it looks like your friend has volunteered you. (To Rico, in amusement) You'll never get out of there! There is no hope for you now! Hahahahahah- (As she cackles, Hansel throws his fist through the bars and hit the hag square in the face. She falls, dropping the knife near the cage) Rico: Hansel! The knife, THE KNIFE! Hansel: I KNOW, Hush up, we don't want to wake her up! Rico: I don't think that'll be a problem after a punch like that! Hansel: (Takes the knife and stands) Right! Rico: Here, wedge it in this bar here! (Hansel does so and the bar falls. The two squeeze out of the gap and run off-stage)

Act V - Best laid plans of Gulls and Men

(Hansel and Rico run on stage, tired. It is dark and they are apparently lost) Rico: I knew it. Hansel: What? Rico: Gulls. The seagulls were eating the coconut scraps we left behind. Hansel: Don't be daft. Seagulls don't eat coconut. Rico: Yeah, and people aren't meant to eat other people. It's this island. It has an odd diet. Hansel: Shut up. That's not helping. We're seriously lost, probably being chased by that witch, and I don't know about you but I've been hearing some strange noises from the undergrowth. Rico: You think we should check that out? Hansel: Do you not have any good ideas left? How are we supposed to see what's making that noise, when we can't see two metres in front of us. Rico: Yes, it did get rather dark while we were waiting to die. Hansel: Well let's not wait to die any longer. I say we press on. There has to be a break in this jungle at some time. Rico: (Thinking very deeply) A break in this jungle... A break in this... (Has a breakthrough) That's it! Hansel: What?

Rico: That's it! A break in this jungle! Don't you see? Hansel: No, what is it? Rico: How was it that we managed to escape from the port a few days ago? Hansel: Well this is barely an open harbour. Rico: No, the guard! Remember? With the netting and Chicken Pulley! Hansel: (Also realising the plan) YES! Oh my God yes! Rico: And then theHansel: -sea turtles! Good! Rico, I know I've said this before, but this time I mean it, I love you! I don't care that we forgot to snag any gold on our way out of the cave, when we get off of this island I am going to worship the ground you stand on, you beautiful man! Where do we start. Rico: Right, if you peel the bark off of that tree, then I take my shoelace and- (The Hag sneaks up behind the two men, bludgeon them sharply over the back of their heads, then drag the lifeless bodies off stage).

End