15.11.12 The Guardian
Between 600 and 700 years old. As a group.Not individually. That would be crazy. They’renot giant redwoods.
Ukrainian and Russian.
How dare you!
Cossacks! You’re going to tell me about Cossacks.
Oh, yes, I see. Sorry, my hearing’s a bit … Anyway,yes, the ﬁercest ﬁghting force Russia has everknown, the maverick cavalry who helped tothwart Napoleon’s invasion of Russia in 1812, themysterious loners who carve lives for themselvesin the bleak and unforgiving steppes – and tell theRussian winter to come and have a go, if it thinksit’s hard enough – are in the news.
Cor! Why? Is Putin planning to invade Poland?Or are they just going to have some kind of bare-knuckle ﬁght to entertain the peasants?Or a wolf-killing contest – a lupus-oﬀ?
None of the above.
600 Cossacks are going to start patrolling thestreets of Moscow …
On horseback, ﬁlling the air with the crack of their rawhide whips, slashing with their sabres,thrusting with their lances at any members of the populace with rebellion in their hearts. Howgloriously retro.
Actually, they will be helpingthe police deal with the gobby teenagers,instances of bad parking and the illegal streetvendors of mobiles, crayﬁsh and sunglasses thatare cluttering the capital’s thoroughfares.
And they will be doing it on foot ortravelling by bus with free passes.
It’s a bit of a comedown from advancing MotherRussia from the steppes of central Asia to thehighest peaks of the Caucuses and harrying theGrande Armée to kicking unsightly seafood cartsoﬀ the streets, isn’t it? I wonder they stand for it.
Well, they will also get the chance to do a bitof harrying. Mostly, many fear, of the variousethnic groups – especially Muslims – who livein Russia and whose presence is an aﬀront to thenationalistic beliefs of the Cossacks.
Watch this leather-booted, fur-hatted, scarlet- blazoned-trousered space then.
(Like Napoleon) “Cossacks are the bestlight troops among all that exist. If I had themin my army, I would go through all the worldwith them.”
“But for now, could you just ticket thatSkoda? It’s double-parked.”
You can rent DVDs,handbags, booksand now ... posh nailpolish (at lacquerous.com). Picturingcongealed lids andgrotty brushes.David Cameronsays he is“completely fedup” that AbuQatada has beenfreed. Bit like losingthe remote control?
David Petraeus allegedly hadan aﬀair with Paula Broadwell,the woman who wrote his biography. What part of thatsentence is inaccurate?
“Wrote his biography.” Some-one else wrote it, even thoughBroadwell’s name is prominentlyon the cover. She did the research.The undercover research, fnarfnar … Oh, do stop it.
“Broadwell” – give me a break,what kind of phoney name is thatfor a mistress? What is this, aDashiell Hammett screenplay?
How did Jon Stewart, whointerviewed Broadwell earlier thisyear, sum up her attitude towardsPetraeus?
“He’s great in the sack.”
“He’s fabulously indiscreet.You should hear the things hesays about the president –whoa, baby!”
“He’s covered in athick coat of awesomesauce.”
How did oneDenver news showaccidentally retitleBroadwell’s biography of Petraeus, All In? a) All in Bed Together b) All Up in My Snatch c) Yes, I am Totally Shagging Him
Which computer game, whichwent on sale this week, featuresPetraeus? a) Call of Duty: Black Ops II b) Call of Libido: Big Oops III c) Self-Destruct General: MaleCliche IV
What insider information didPetraeus possibly pass on to
Quiz: how welldo you know thePetraeus aﬀair?
Omnishambles (as perThe Thick of It), omniscandals,Corbyshambles. Starting toget a bit fed up with this.Soon “Omni” is going to eatitself (omniverously)
On the nailOmnieverythingNo go