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P. 1
Based on Toronto Open Mic by Patton Oswalt

Based on Toronto Open Mic by Patton Oswalt

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Published by David Rader

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Published by: David Rader on Nov 15, 2012
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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12/04/2012

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We’re All Creative
 
Inspired by Patton Oswalt’s
 
“Toronto Open Mic”
 
Claire held onto Donny tight. Her hands met around his torso and embraced one another, as asteady rain continued to fall. At that moment, they both felt invincible. Love as powerful as theirs
couldn’t be squelched
; their love was forged of the strongest steel. Nothing could stop them: the rain
that continued to pour down onto them, Claire’s disapproving father, a universe that seemingly could
not respect the pure, unadulterated passion that encompassed I should probably close those blindsencompassed encompassing them their with wth w.
Alright, I’m getting up and closing those blinds. This is a thing I’m doing. A
m I supposed to pullon the front or the back of this? Living here 6 months and I still have to think about my blinds. This is mystudy. Desk. Aristotle. Old-
timey globe. I’m gonna spin you.
Boop.Alright, alright, center. Find your center. Get back into this. Love. Lovelovelovelovelovelovelove.Claire.
…could not respect the p
ure, unadulterated passion that encompassed their singular form. They
were only one person now. Souls merging in a bleak wasteland of a universe that wasn’t ready toembrace their devotion. Claire nuzzled her head into Donny’s breastbone. Donny tightened h
is embrace.
“You mean everything to me.”
 Claire raised her head. Even with the rain, Donny could tell there were hot tears of passion inher eyes. Ugh, stom
“I don’t want to be with anyone growl Jesus ever again.”
 
The rain. The rain cont The rain was…was…
 
Alright, fuck this, I’m hungry. Sandwich? Sandwich no.Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m da da da da da
da dum dahhhhhh
Pepperoni. Cheese. Shredded cheese. Quesa no tortillas fuck all. I’m grocery shoppi
ng. Once mymuse leaves. I got a muse. Knights of Cydonia.Bawwwww, baw baw bawwww, baw baw bawwwwww, baw food.Triscuits! Box opening. You know what? I need a plate. Paper plates. Unstick, goddamn you. I
don’t need twelve.
 Walking walking walking, walking walking walking, walking walking walking KEEP walkingwalking walking, walking walking walking, keep those legs a-walking, keep those legs a-walking, keep
 
those legs a-walking, Rawhiiiiiiiiiide!!!! Dah dah dum dum dah dah dum, dah dum dum dah dum, dahdah dum dum dah dah dum, Rawhide.Focus. Focus focus focus.
Let’s see…
Shit,
they’re still in the rain?
 
“Let’s get out of the rain, my love,” Donny mused.
 
They walked hand in hand, Claire resting her delicate facial features onto Donny’s firm bicep.Who wouldn’t feel safe with Donny? But he’
s mine, Claire mused as they walked, all mine. They found
shelter in a veranda…
 Fuck.Claire held on to Donny tight, as they stood in the middle of a public park.Ha HA!They found shelter in a veranda that was located in the center of the park. They were the focalpoint of the world now. They were the North Star, their love shone that bright. Radiated with the glowof genuine, young passion. Donny faced Claire and looked into her eyes.
“I will never let you go.”
 
“Oh, Donny.”
And they kissed. Their lips gently touched one another, moist from the rain. Theirkiss was tender, hesitant. They were still both so unsure about their love. Still amazed that they couldfeel so intensely, when before they met there was nothing. Everything seemed like nothing compared totheir love. Love so true.
Donny delicately placed his hand on the side of Claire’s neck. Claire responded by gingerlyplacing her arm around the back of Donny’s neck, the bend in her elbow resting against him, pulling
them closer. There was a warm feeling at their core; not butterflies, something both intense yetcomforting. It was the physical manifestation of passion. Finally, their lips separated.
“Claire, only one thing matters to me in this world.” This time it was
Donny whose eyes welledwith tears. Claire could see his eyes grow deeper, more reflective. She could barely stand the beauty of 
the moment. “You are all I piss.”
 How long have I been not important have to go to bathroom. M
an, I probably shouldn’t stand.
I
’m just gonna wheel the chair over to the bathroom. Big ‘ol office chair. Made of leather. Christ, howam I gonna pull myself along with my legs while keeping them crossed? It’s cool. I can do this. I. Can. DOTHIS! Gentle gentle gentle I’m writing a maste
rpiece gentle gentle gentle gentle what did I even drink?Lemonade? No. Coke? No. Maybe my mouth still has the aftertaste and I can go from there. Triscuits,
alright, I remember that. Uhh…umumumum…ba dum ba dum. Fuck it.
You know what I need? Febreeze. Yeahhhhh buddy.

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