• Embed Doc
  • Copy Link
  • Readcast
  • Collections
  • 1
    CommentGo Back
 
i was at the car wash just finishing up and about to vacuum up my car when theultimate hustler's head popped out of the hose and said "aw shit nigga look at yocar, the only grain you grippin is nutri-grains" and i tried to ignore him but hewas like "and ya head too big" i was like damn.i was at the pharmacy with my gf we were buying condoms and i took a box off theshelf and the ultimate hustlers head was behind it and he said "shit son i saw yoshoes hangin off a powerline" i just kind of smiled and then he said "and yo girlstitties look like bisquick" i was like damn.I was in the library getting some sex manuals with my gf and the ultimate hustlerpushes some books through from the other side of the shelf and shouts "them booksbeen fingered less times than yo' bitch have" and we tried to ignore him and leavebut he popped out of the book return box and shouted "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.I have some social issues"i was in the desert once walking thousands of miles to find an ancient prophet andall of the sudden the ultimate hustler comes out behind a cactus and is like"nigga yo sandals look like three strips of bacon strapped to a beef patty" and ifell to my knees and then he says "and i heard that ancient prophet's girl beenfuckin wit a crackhead behind the super 10" and i heard the ancient prophet screamfrom 1300 miles awayone day i was in the bank standing in line when a bank robber came in and startedto rob the bank and when the teller opened the drawer the ultimate hustler poppedout and said to the robber "damn yo ski mask look like it got fake dreds and achin strap" and the bank robber shot himself and everyone applauded the ultimatehustler until he turned around and said "yall checks is so small you cant afford ajumbo potato wedges at KFC" and everyone was like damnthe other day me and my crew were at biggie's grave leavin some flowers when allof a sudden the ultimate hustler busted up out the ground and said "this is astrange place for yall to be holdin a scrubs anonymous meeting" and we played itoff but then he said "i just busted up out the ground and i still be cleaner thanyou bustas" and me and my crew were like damn.i was sitting in the left field stands watching the baseball game and somebody hita homerun right to me and just about when i was gonna catch the ball the ultimatehustler appeared on the ball and said "nigga the only thing you could catch is vdfrom that stanky ass ho of yours" and the ball bounced off my head and landed tworows in front of me and i was like damna long long time ago in a galaxy far away i was chillin on the bridge of the deathstar when to my surprise the ultimate hustler pops up out an x-wing and yells "yoface be so black and plasticky i could play madden on it" and i was stunned butthen he said "i am your father.... psyche nobody knows who yo daddy is" as idropped to my kneeslast month i was at the zoo with my gf and we were in the primate house when allof a sudden the ultimate hustler swoops in and turns on a smoke machine and says"yo check it out, gorillas in the mist" and i was like damn. but then he was like"no but seriously though you better lock ya girl up or tonight i'm gonna be gibbonher the business" and before i could tell him to stop his hurtful wordplay, hegrabbed onto a vine and swung awayi was on my flight from dulles to jfk this past week with my gal and i was justsittin back enjoyin some peanuts (what the deal???) when i hear the familiar voiceof the ultimate hustler come over the intercom and he says "attention passengers
 
y'all betta have your barf bags on hand because, you see my man in seat 7E there?well his woman just went to the bathroom and when that ho walk back down the aisleya might feel some turbulence in ya guts" and i checked my seat number and waslike damn.i was down at the dealership the other day lookin for a new whip and i decided onthis nice red candy-paint mustang so i'm lookin at it and all of a sudden theultimate hustler pops up out the trunk and shouts "nigga i seen yo gal and if youlookin to buy this ride you best have a good shovel to scoop her ass out thebucket seat." i was like "damn i'll take an f-150" and then the ultimate hustlersaid "better make it 2"i was prancin around my playhouse when i decided to ask jambi a question, but wheni opened up the box the ultimate hustler was in there instead. "you'd bettermecca-lecca hide that ho you was with outside the safeway. even cowboy curtiswouldnt wanna tie that hog!" i was like damn, and everyone screamed because "damn"was the secret word.i was at 7-11 with my gf and the ultimate hustler comes out of the cashier'sturban and is like "yo homie yo girl about to get her third big gulp today, ceptthis time she be paying for it." I started choking on my pizza taqito andcollapsed into the dorito shelves. then he was like "also yo face look like thecomplimentary chili got left in the sun" and i was like damn.Me and my gf were browsing the latest Home theater sets in Best BUy when suddenlythe ultimate hustler flies out from a nearby speaker and shouts 'nigga youre sopoor your tv dinner tray is your good china' and i fell back aghast then he lookedright at me and said 'plus yo mouth so enormous you speak in Dolby Surround Sound'and i was like ddddddaaaaaammmmmmmnnnnnnnonce at the county fair i was eatin a corndog and playing some ring toss when TheUltimate Hustler's head popped out of one of the bottles and said "the only ringsyou be tossin is onion rings" i was flustered but tried focusing on the game buthe said "and yo face so ugly you put the freakshow out of business" and i was like"damn"i walked into the bank the other day and the ultimate hustler popped out frombehind a plant and said "boy you so ugly the security done turned off thesurveillence cameras" and i was like fukkkkkki was enjoying a quiet meal by myself when the ultimate hustler kicked down thedoor, walked up to my table and stared me in the eye and said "you so lonely, yousee less action than a blind man at an IMAX" and i started feeling pretty dizzy.he then said "and yo' mailman knows about them condom product samples and that youaint seein' no girl" and i just threw up on the floor and blacked outi took my girlfriend to a nice restaurant the other day and the ultimate hustlerpopped out from under the table and said "boy you so ugly the waiter gonna giveYOU a tip if you tie your napkin over your face" and i kinda clenched my fist butsaid nothing and then he said "and your woman's crotch smell like last week'sseafood platter" and i was like damn.well i was at the post office the other day minding my own business and theultimate hustler popped out of a mail cart and said "hey boy you so ugly you pushyo face into dough to make gorilla cookies" and of course i just tried walkingaway but the cart followed me and the huster said "you so ugly yo momma had to becrunck as fuck to breast feed yo ass" and i just hit the door embarrassed as hell,not able to look at myself the same way ever again
 
i was contributing to the collection plate at church when the ultimate hustlerpopped out from behind a pew and said "god don't want your old baby ruth wrappers,you poor ass chocoholic" and i just sat there with my mouth open, then he turnedto the reverend and said "and yo' monsignor look more like a monsenorita" and istarted cryingI was sitting in Philosophy class and the ultimate hustler popped out of acollection of Camus' fiction and said "bitch the only stranger you know is whenyou be sittin on yo hand before jerkin off at night" and i tried to keep mycomposure, but then he appeared out of the aether and said "you breath so badbitches be callin you the plauge" and i was like damn.after philosophy i went to my next class psychology, glad to have escaped theultimate hustler. but as soon as i sat down he amassed in the collectiveunconscious and said "freud be sayin e'eyone wants to fuck they mother, but mostof em just fuck yours instead" and i blacked out but he popped into my dream as anarchetype and said "you so repulsive to girls even yo anima want nothin to do wityou" and i was like goddamni was browsing the folklore section of the bookstore the other day when theultimate hustler pops out of a copy of struwwelpeter and says "damn son there astory in here bout you called 'the sucka who couldn't get it up never, talkin hisdick floppin round like a stank-ass fish all the damn time'" and i was about toconsole myself with a copy of joseph campbell when he threw the brothers grimm atme and said "plus yo face look like baba yaga's taint" and i was like "damn"i was sittin down at the double arches, gettin my mack and my mac on, when theultimate hustler came out from behind the counter an sayed "you lookin for a jobapplication cause you got enough grease to keep this joint rollin 24 7" so inonchalantly reach for a napkin and stares me down and says "tell yo girl i heardthey puttin slimfast on the dollar menu" and she stumbled into the bathroomvisibly shaken while i rushed out the door with the napkin dispenserI was leading my army of 300 foot soldiers into battle against the Persian armywhen the ultimate hustler pops out from behidn a rock and yells 'nigga when yogirl's around you always be fighting in the shade' and as i fell back defeated Iheard 'Better bring her too because she always be preparing to dine somewhere' asi threw myself into the city welli was catching up on some canterbury tales during a break in my basketball gameand the ultimate hustler rappelled down from the ceiling and said "yo they callyou 'middling english' because when you try to put english on the ball you goddamnmediocre at it" and i didn't respond because i was still trying to figure out theinsult and then he took the book from me and made a slam dunk with it and said"you eat more ass than in the miller's tale, son" and said "damn? i guess?"i was sailing to the new world when the ultimate hustler popped out from behindthe tiller and said "shit man yo mamma so fat you should dump the boat and throw amizzenmast on her" and i sputtered a little bit but then he whispered in my ear"and i just got damn cleanin yo girl's poop deck" and i blacked out and enslavedhalf of africa.i was perusing the deli aisle at the grocery store when out of the corner of myeye i thought i saw a purple cape leaping from shelf to shelf. my last encounterwith the ultimate hustler was fresh in my memory so i turned and ran towards theautomatic exit doors, prepared to push in case of emergency. but the ultimatehustler was too quick, he caught me as i was rounding the corner: "yo too bad
of 00

Leave a Comment

You must be to leave a comment.
Submit
Characters: ...
Josh Mitchell

Damn! That is some funny hustling hoochie!

reply04 / 09 / 2010
You must be to leave a comment.
Submit
Characters: ...