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Cancer. She could have cancer. The thought came unbidden into her mind. Shetried to keep it out, not think of it, but there it was. Always in the background, creepingforward at odd times. Tomorrow they would take it out and examine it. For the last twoweeks, she had tried to keep herself busy and focus on her work, her family, anything butthe thing that could be growing slowing inside her, conspiring to kill her. She just had toget through today, and tomorrow it would be over, or the beginning of the fight for her life.Tonight she was going out with her two sisters. She took special care gettingready, paying careful attention to her hair and makeup. She looked at her bare fingernails,for the first time in twenty years they were without polish. She had to leave them like thatfor the lumpectomy tomorrow. Shaking away the thought, she returned to her reflectionin the mirror and put the diamond earrings in, making sure the backings were tightenough to pinch.As she walked into the restaurant, the smell of cilantro laced salsa and grilled fishmet her at the door. Her heels clicked on the hardwood floor as she made her way to her sisters table. She pasted a smile she didn’t feel on her face and swore to herself that for the next few hours, she would enjoy herself and not think about tomorrow.Her alarm went off at five a.m., and instead of hitting snooze, she turned it off andsat up. She had laid her clothes out last night when she got home, drawstring pants and a button up shirt, they told her not to wear anything she’d have to pull on since she would be sore for a couple of days. She wasn’t wearing a bra either, for the same reason. Shetook a shower last night, so the only thing left to do was get dressed and brush her teeth.She couldn’t even have a cup of coffee, at least, not until after. She rubbed her wrist, itfelt naked without the weight of her watch. They asked her not to wear any jewelry sinceshe would have to take it off before the surgery. She had to go in without any armor.Her sister, Ella, arrived at 5:15 to take her. Ella wouldn’t hear of her going byherself, besides, she needed someone to drive her home afterwards. Ella fussed over her,asking if she had everything, do you need any help? No, she was prepared. They walkedout into the cold morning, frost covering the grass, their breath visible on the air. The car was still warm inside as Ella put it in reverse, then forward towards the hospital.Ella left her to her thoughts, but they held hands tightly the whole ride. That wasenough, talking was unnecessary, it had already all been said. Too soon, they pulled intothe hospital parking lot. She waved off Ella’s offer to drop her at the door, she wasn’t aninvalid yet. Maybe after six weeks of radiation she might take her up on it.They walked in together and began the process of getting her signed in. Most of the paperwork had been done already, so she was almost immediately shown into adressing room to change into the hospital gown. It was tied in front this time, the materialrough against her skin. The plastic bracelet felt tight around her wrist where her loosewatch normally hung. None of this felt real, there was a dreamlike quality to her smallmovements. It was as if she was detached from her body and cataloging her movementsso she could remember them later, after she knew for sure. Taking a deep breath, she
 
opened the curtain and smiled hesitantly at the nurse who had been waiting to show her toher room. She would start and end there, and they let Ella wait there for her. Ellaapproached the bed as the nurse pulled up the guardrails which clicked into place,reminding her of prison doors being shut. She grasped Ella’s hand and brought down her guard, the fear slipping to the forefront and visible in her eyes.“It’s time Carolyn,” the nurse said softly. Ella let go of her hand saying, you’ll befine, you’ll see, I’ll be right here when you wake up.She was lying on the bed as it rolled down the hall, the florescent lights castingmean shadows on the walls. Another nurse opened a door and she was pushed into theoperating room. She had seen this before, last week when her appointment wasscheduled. They gave her a tour and she thought how different the room looked now thatshe was flat on her back. Had it been this bright before? The tray with the operatingequipment hadn’t been there, nor had the huge needle. A different nurse hooked her up tothe iv and told her to sleep. She watched the liquid going from the needle into the iv, andrealized she hadn’t thought to ask what they were giving her. She hoped it wasn’tmorphine – that made her itch something fierce.She woke up to the murmuring of people outside her range of vision. She was stillflat on a bed, but in a curtained, semi-dark room that smelled of antiseptic, but it wasn’t aclean smell. Recovery, that’s where I am. She coughed and tried to lever herself up usingher left arm, since she wasn’t sure if she should use her right. A nurse flung the curtain back to say her doctor would be coming to talk to her shortly, and try not to move toomuch just yet. Just relax.She must have fallen back asleep, for a little while later the doctor pulled thecurtain back, waking her up.“Everything looks good. We’ll know for sure in a week and I’ll call you with theresults. Once we get you back into your room, the nurse will go over everything withyou.” The doctor patted her arm as he went to give empty reassurances to someone else.She was finally wheeled back into her room where Ella sat, holding a used tissue.She was still out of it, so the nurse and Ella had to help her get dressed and she onlycaught a third of what the nurse said. Soon, she was in a wheelchair being pushed theopposite way down the same hall. Ella led the way, chattering either to her or the nurse,she wasn’t sure. She and the nurse waited for Ella to get the car and then they both helpedher into the car, Ella buckling her seat belt, careful to put the shoulder harness behind her so it wouldn’t rub.The next few days passed in a haze. Ella stayed with her, cooking, cleaning andfeeding her painkillers when needed. The third day she decided she was done taking the pain meds and finally started to feel like herself again. Well, her new self anyway.
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