TH E

LE E K
IF IT BLEED S,IT LEAD S
IF IT BURNS,IT EARNS
IF YO U EXPERIENCE BO TH - CO NSULT YO UR D O CTO R
 Is s ue # 1 11/15/07

Som e one
actu al ly re ads
th is ju nk !
se e TH E LEEK

Th e Pol
ice M inu te s
se e Localpage 10

Rolling Stone s
A nnou nce Final
Tou r
se e ENTERTAINM ENT page 7

10 Tips to Re du ce
you r Carb on
Footprint
se e ENVIR O NM ENT PAGE 4

contiune s page 2
"A fte r th e k ids s h e
gotfatand bl ue
and gre e n"
 "Fl
am e broil
e d and s e as one d w ith
th re e fl
avors : Barbe q ue ,Nach o
Ch e e s e or Cinnam on"

Continue s on Page 4
Continue s page 7

Continue s Page 7
In Ne xt M onth 's
Ente rtainm e nt Se ction of
Th e Le e k :
W e re vie w ne w H arry
Potte r b ook & Rh inogas t's
ne w al bum

" h is [K e ith Rich ards ]m ind h as

m ove d to a ne w pl
ane ofe xis tance
h e re fe rs to as Purpl
e Pops icl
e Land"

Ente rtainm e nt
Re porte r Ch ad
Slagge nbaum
 Al
e tte r from th e
e ditor
W h e re
is
my
stool
softe ne r
?
H el lo fe l low com pad re s. I am Pe l te r F.K oofs, th e ch ie f e d itor h e re at Th e Le e k . I k now
th at th e se past m onth s h ave b e e n ve ry troub l ing for al lof us b ut I w oul d l ik e to sh are
our ful lcom m itm e nt at Th e Le e k to b ringing you, th e re ad e r, th e m ost accurate and
inte l lige nt re porting no m atte r h ow m uch fe ar it m ay instil lin your b one s. Th at b e ing
said , I re al ly l ik e to scare pe opl e ;in fact se nsational ist re porting w as m y m ajor at
Farb e r U nive rsity. Al th ough m any l ook d ow n upon fe ar m onge ring as vil e or ind e ce nt
I se e it as a w ay to provid e Am e ricans w ith th e ir re com m e nd e d d ail y am ount of card io
e xe rcise . W h at ge ts one 's h e art b e ating faste r: a 30 m inute jog or th e k now l e d ge th at
h is/h e r b re ak fast ce re alcoul d b e fil le d w ith poison, or th at one 's ne igh b or is m ost
lik e ly a se rialk il le r?Am e rica is facing an ob e sity e pid e m ic th at th re ate ns to d e stroy
th e fab ric of our ve ry nation and our w ay of l ife . Scare d ye t?In fact b y re ad ing th at
se nte nce you b urne d te n cal orie s. Just one of th e m any w ays w h ich w e h e re at Th e
Le e k are h e l ping to b attl e th e unstoppab l e k illing m ach ine th at is th e m al icious and
d e viant ob e sity e pid e m ic in Am e rica. But e nough ab out fatne ss. Le t's tal k ab out
attractive pe opl e ! Ange l ina Jol ie , h e r lips are re al ly b ig. I m e an se riousl y th ose th ings
are ob sce ne l y l arge . Sh e sh oul d d onate th e m to a m use um or som e th ing. Is it e ve n l e gal
to h ave facialfe ature s th at l arge ?I am se riousl y consid e ring e ar augm e ntation. Th is is
not a rh e toricalq ue stion! W e l lanyw ays I've gotte n off topic. I re al ly lik e b re ad . Its
fluffy and d e l icious b ut I h ave one prob l e m w ith b re ad , crust. W h o puts th e crust on
th e b re ad ?W h oe ve r th e pe rson is th at puts crust on b re ad or th e crustifie r as I cal lh im
or h e r sh oul d be l ock e d up w ith pe opl e lik e H annib alLe ctor and force d to e at al lth e
crust in th e w orl d … e ve r! I h ate prison. It re al ly w asn't as fun as I w as prom ise d b y
m y attorne y and I norm al ly trust prom ise s th at pe opl e m ak e . I am sorry I h ave gotte n
off topic again. Spe ak ing of b e ing off topic, H ippos. D id you k now th at h ippos are
d ying at an irrational ly statisticalrate of 5 b il lion h ippos an h our th at m e ans th at
forty se cond s ago al lth e h ippos just d ie d . Al th ough th is re sol ve s th e im pe nd ing h ippo
crisis it b rings up anoth e r issue , w h at sh al lth e h ippos b e re pl ace d b y?I vote th at w e
train w il d foxe s to act l ik e h ippos and pl ace th e m in th e M inne sota and Ne w Engl and
and w h e re ve r e l se h ippos use d to l ive . O h sh oot just l ook at th e tim e and I forgot to
tak e m y m e d icine . W e l l, I gue ss anoth e r h e art attack w on't k il lm e . It h as b e e n gre at
b e ing re ad b y you and I am off to se e k out portab e l la m ush room s for tom orrow 's
b arb e q ue .